Sending child to live with grandparents abroad

[ukelele38]

Hi all,
I'm a young single parent currently just getting by. I work full time and feel like I barely see my 4yo child (no actual quality time together). My current job isn't where I want to be and I've got an opportunity to move and work somewhere I can progress and earn a lot more however it would be extremely hard to do this around childcare.
If I sent my child to live with their grandparents for a year (ish?) I could get myself on my feet and to a better place financially (and mentally-lone parent for over 4 years now), however they live abroad so I couldn't just nip in and see them- still europe so not a major distance.

Am I insane for even considering this? It's just a thought atm as I'm not sure I would actually be able to live without them but at the same time I want a better life for them and the quality of life where their grandparents live is a lot higher.

Have the grandparents offered or are you assuming they’ll be on board with it? I’d get that bit nailed down first before you make any firm decisions.

Are they school age? Would they be entitled to live in the foreign country, access education and healthcare etc. How well do they know gp and do they share your parenting style? Could they cope?

Yes you are insane to consider this, and the children I know who have been dumped on relatives for the convenience of parents have never recovered from it.

If another language, does your child speak it fluently?

Would there be any opportunity for you to find work where the grandparents are and would they support you with childcare if you were to move there?

I would be reluctant because at 4 they're young enough to maybe struggle to understand why it's happening but old enough to remember it and to know you're missing.

Do they have a good/close relationship with the grandparents? Would they have entitlement in the country the grandparents live in? Is it your parents? Do you know their parenting style?

It's a very difficult thing to do but many women from poorer countries are forced to do it unfortunately. However l would look at every possibility first before resorting to be away from you child. Will you visit one a month or something? What happens if your child gets so attached to your dps they don't want to leave? Will it be another upheaval for them moving to your new country after a year? It's a very tough one.

Yes, you are insane to think of it. Think of it from your child's point of you. A year is such a long time for them.

Women all over the world do this and to them it's a natural thing, they leave children with grandparents and go away to work, seeing the children once a year or less.
Would you be able to visit often? Are your parents OK with this.

I know your intentions are in the right place, but I know a few adults whose parents did this when they were small and they all look back on it as a very scary and confusing time and it's really stuck with them, so for that reason I wouldn't. 4 is old enough to remember, plus they are I assume very bonded to you too, so will be hard (if not impossible) for them to understand that you're doing this 'for them'.

Is there no way your parents would come and live with you for a year to support you getting on your feet?

I think what's missing from your post is an honest assessment of the emotional impact such a choice would have on your child.

It's not a 'natural' thing, it's a necessary thing.

Children and parents want to be near each other.

Sounds like a good idea IF grandparents are up for it. We lived with our grandparents for 2 years due to various work / health issues and it was a lovely calm time with good memories. My parents also looked after one of our babies for 6 months while I finished a vocational course as the nursery fees were too much. It worked out really well.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Is there any possibility the grandparents would have the flexibility to come stay with you for awhile?

I’m sorry you’re in a difficult position.

In many cultures this is fairly normal and that might make it easier for your DS. I think he'd definitely miss you. And the difference in school systems would make things complicated, as the English curriculum is quite formal, language differences, getting a school place when returning etc.

If your parents can afford to keep him/care for him, would they be open to supporting you financially instead to provide the childcare you need, eg nanny or au pair to provide the extra hours you'd need?

I think it would be different - although still very difficult - if your child was staying in your hometown with gp and you were moving temporarily. Going to live in another country as well as being apart from you is a risk I would not consider worth taking.

It’s not insane to consider it, if it’s going to lift you both out a poor situation for good.

If life is better where your parents live, would you be better to move back?
If that’s not an option how well do you think your child would cope?
would your parents do it?
how often could you visit?

It really isn’t impossible - FaceTime exists and at 4 he has some capacity to understand what is happening and why.

It’s obviously far from ideal though.

I’d ignore the posters saying it’s insane. They’re speaking from a position of privilege.

More like neocolonialism than a natural thing!

Terrible idea. The people cited above who do it are doing it out of extreme necessity e.g. not being able to adequately feed all their children.

I worked some women from the Philippines (cruise line) who had done this. They really missed their DC but, as I got to know them better, it transpired they had similarly been brought up by grandparents, agreed they had all had great childhoods and added that, although their parents had only been away within the country, nowadays they were in contact with their DC more.

Don’t do it . Your child will never get over this .

This is a terrible idea. Your child needs you more than anything else.

@Pussygaloregalapagos thanks for sharing that. I have lived all over the world and its really common to do this - lots of kids handle it just fine, especially if they understand why.

They’ll be fine. Honestly the dramatics on this thread!