Page 4 | How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

Tryingmybestadhd · 2023-10-03T10:07:38+00:00

My daughter is 6 and in a small class ( 13 and only 4 girls ) She is the only girl not invited to another girls party in her class . She came home in tears and it’s honestly heartbreaking. They’re where both girls and boys invited so I don’t think it was a numbers issue . To make it worse this girl is one of those that never shuts up and spend all day speaking about her coming party . How do you deal with this ? She is so upset . There m no know issues with this girl either . As an adult I obviously understand the parents are not obligated to to invite everyone but I feel pretty upset as we previously had this girl in 2 of my daughters parties . Altough I don’t think I will invite her anymore for future ones

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caban · 03/10/2023 15:13

JonjoMonjo21 · 03/10/2023 14:54

We are going through this exact situation, except the boy whose party is has invited the whole class apart from my daughter. He’s very unpopular and has has a slight obsession wit my daughter… his mum keeps talking about sandwiches and party food right in front of us knowing fine well what she’s doing. Also she’s hired a church hall. So what would one more child of been. I think for her birthday il invite the whole school bar him 😁 no advice just the human race are awful at times.

Are you sure your DD didn't get an invite, rather than the invite got lost or is still in her bag or something?
Why would the mum talk about the party in front of you and invite every child but yours?

caban · 03/10/2023 15:14

I'd handle this situation by tellling my DD that not all parties are whole class, some are smaller and not every parent can afford to invite everyone. Sometimes you will get invited to parties and sometimes not.

Finteq · 03/10/2023 15:15

I asked my 5 year old who she wanted to invite to her party.

She could only remember the name of 3 girls in her class.

Anyway.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Just take her out on a nice day for the two of you.

BeTheBiggerPerson · 03/10/2023 15:16

This has just happened to my Y6 DD - only 5 girls in the class and she was the only one not invited (to an all girl party). She was really brave about it, and I haven’t said anything to the mum, but I am still raging about it on my DDs behalf. I’ve let it go but I won’t forget!

Finteq · 03/10/2023 15:18

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 12:00

If the mother replies that there is a limit to numbers then you will know it was a deliberate decision - check it is all the girls and then taker this matter to the school. Bullying by exclusion is not acceptable at any age, and definitely not at six. Do not invite said child to any future events.

If it was a genuine mistake it is easily solved with this message.

If the mother has any sense and deliberately didn’t invite your dd, the msg reminds you are aware of her unkind actions and it gives her the chance to reflect.

It is also possible that it is not only a few girls and not the whole class, which again is fine and you can reassure your child.

It is important to not play games and communicate clearly.

Wow this is over the top.

As was another one that gave a totally inappropriate message to send the mum- please don't.

She wasn't invited. It's part of life. Onwards and upwards.

CherryBlossom321 · 03/10/2023 15:20

Agree with being pragmatic and working on acceptance and managing disappointment. Could you arrange to take her somewhere when the party is on? Cinema, swimming, ice cream?

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 16:04

I am amazed none of the parents speak to each other. We must have had a lovely experience at school or something as were all very open with each other 🤷🏼‍♀️

JonjoMonjo21 · 03/10/2023 16:36

Yes I’m sure. Totally sure. The mum has purposely in front of us asked other parents what sandwiches they would prefer. It’s a bit petty if u ask me. But she’s actually not that bothered. She doesn’t particularly like the boy or even play with him. It’s just the point everyone is invited bar her. To be fair she gets invited to loads of parties. He doesn’t. There’s got to be something underlying a bit of jealousy or something

Finteq · 03/10/2023 17:16

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 16:04

I am amazed none of the parents speak to each other. We must have had a lovely experience at school or something as were all very open with each other 🤷🏼‍♀️

I dont do drop offs or pickups,so don't know the parents.Maybe one a week.

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 17:28

Finteq · 03/10/2023 17:16

I dont do drop offs or pickups,so don't know the parents.Maybe one a week.

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That would explain the difference I saw most twice a day, some parents I saw three times every day if we both had nursery children for years and years talking etc. All of the parents were close, any problems would be raised, or we would call each other.
I guess if I didn’t know the other parents well or at all, I wouldn’t bring it up either. So I suppose it does depend on the relationship of any op has with the girls parents. We live in a small village, and that type of behaviour is unthinkable, dc are raised to be well mannered and inclusive.

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/10/2023 17:51

SprogTakesAQuarry · 03/10/2023 14:50

Oft - this is hard.

My approach would be to organise a really nice outing on the day of the party. You don’t have to link the outing to the party, just something to help distract your dd with.

Be super mindful and aware of her feelings the week before and after. She may get upset about other things, seemingly unconnected, just give her love and attention.

This is a great opportunity to discuss the way these huge feelings can make us feel. Learning how to manage being left out is a hugely important social skill. I know lots of grown ups who’ve never mastered it. It depends on your dd - personally, I wouldn’t bring up these big conversations myself but wait til she starts the conversations. Then it’s really important to name the feelings, talk about the physical sensations. You can talk about how you can have two feelings at the same time “I really like X but I’m angry at her because she’s invited”

Listen a lot to her. Don’t talk or give too much advice. Explain this is something that happens a lot in life - it always hurts a bit but the hurt feeling doesn’t last forever. It happens to everyone, even grown ups, even you! Then distraction, love and fun.

edited for typo

Edited

My daughter literally burst into tears as soon as she came in the car and kept telling me she is not cool enough as she is not invited and how sad she felt to be left out and that the girl kept talking about all the things she is going to do . Then she said how unfair it was and even asked me if maybe her invite was coming later . … she is very good at expressing her feelings , it was very hard to watch so I tried to explain to her that as we grow up not all of our colleagues will be our friends and that it’s ok and doesn’t mean others don’t like her . I’m honestly dreading the rest of the week now .

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/10/2023 17:54

Finteq · 03/10/2023 15:15

I asked my 5 year old who she wanted to invite to her party.

She could only remember the name of 3 girls in her class.

Anyway.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Just take her out on a nice day for the two of you.

It’s a small village school , we have a what’s up parents group . I don’t think this was the issue

OP posts:

wp65 · 03/10/2023 17:59

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. It's very painful, at any age.

More context would be helpful: Do you know how many other children have been left out?
And who does your daughter play with most at school - is the girl having the party one of her main friends, and are the girls, including your daughter, a little group together or are the friendships all mixed between the boys and girls?

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/10/2023 17:59

BeTheBiggerPerson · 03/10/2023 15:16

This has just happened to my Y6 DD - only 5 girls in the class and she was the only one not invited (to an all girl party). She was really brave about it, and I haven’t said anything to the mum, but I am still raging about it on my DDs behalf. I’ve let it go but I won’t forget!

You must be feeling the exact same way as me . I’m so so sorry . I honestly do not understand what is the parents head . I honestly do not think I can invite this girl for future parties , even if my daughter wanted .

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/10/2023 18:00

caban · 03/10/2023 15:14

I'd handle this situation by tellling my DD that not all parties are whole class, some are smaller and not every parent can afford to invite everyone. Sometimes you will get invited to parties and sometimes not.

That’s what I told her .

OP posts:

JonjoMonjo21 · 03/10/2023 18:00

@caban Yes I’m sure. Totally sure. The mum has purposely in front of us asked other parents what sandwiches they would prefer. It’s a bit petty if u ask me. But she’s actually not that bothered. She doesn’t particularly like the boy or even play with him. It’s just the point everyone is invited bar her. To be fair she gets invited to loads of parties. He doesn’t. There’s got to be something underlying a bit of jealousy or something

Jibo · 03/10/2023 18:02

It is quite reasonable (at least in KS1, and certainly with a class this size) for the school to have a policy that parties which don't include the whole class are not to be discussed at school. Good opportunity for children to practise kindness. Talk to teacher.

partypant · 03/10/2023 18:03

@Lastchancechica Bullying by exclusion is not acceptable at any age, and definitely not at six. Do not invite said child to any future events

Errrr. Do you not see the irony of what you said? .

bellsandwhistles333 · 03/10/2023 18:03

I would be heartbroken 💔 my son has been to 3/4 parties now and they are lovely to go too.

It might not be a popular opinion but I would take her out that same day with a friend and spoil them rotten!

JonjoMonjo21 · 03/10/2023 18:04

@HernesEgg he is very much one of the less popular boys. Extremely overweight and if I do say myself annoying. He had a crush obsession with my daughter, and she just chooses to ignore him, I’m not sure what is going on, I often talk to his mum in the yard, we have even met at the park and played in the holidays. I have no idea. That’s why I posted to say we were going through the same thing. Nowt as queer as folk

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 18:05

partypant · 03/10/2023 18:03

@Lastchancechica Bullying by exclusion is not acceptable at any age, and definitely not at six. Do not invite said child to any future events

Errrr. Do you not see the irony of what you said? .

I think if my child was left out of a party of 4 girls I wouldn’t be doing any further school related parties. We would stick to home friends, and reconsider keeping our child in a class so light on girls.

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/10/2023 18:05

Juliet55 · 03/10/2023 12:42

I can understand not having all the girls if there's quite a few in the class, but when there's only four, come on, you know they are bound to excitedly discuss the party at school and one poor girl will be completely left out. Especially, as OP states, the birthday girl has been invited to her daughter's parties in the past. How much are parties these days? If I was so hard up that I was leaving one poor child out, I'd get my child one less present and let that be a life lesson to her, that you consider other people's feelings.

I think the same way as you , but I guess others don’t . I think it will just be a way for my child to learn the hard way that not everyone is nice . All I can do is try and divert attention until the subject dies down and hopefully she will have more parties and forget about this .
But it really broke my heart seeing her this way today , she is a wonderful girl who always thinks about others and did not deserve this at all

OP posts:

larlypops · 03/10/2023 18:07

Parties will always upset someone unless you do the whole class, if there were more than 4 girls in the class more most likely would not be invited.
Parents will say chose x amount of friends to invite and at that age it could be who they’ve seen today.
I don’t think it’s spiteful and wouldn’t make a big deal of it, explain to your daughter that numbers were probably limited and plan something for her to look forward to.

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 18:08

Are all the girls going or a mixed party?
how is it going generally with so few girls?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/10/2023 18:09

Lastchancechica · 03/10/2023 18:05

I think if my child was left out of a party of 4 girls I wouldn’t be doing any further school related parties. We would stick to home friends, and reconsider keeping our child in a class so light on girls.

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But the party doesn't just consist of those girls, it also includes some boys. Maybe the birthday girl considers one of the boys a closer friend? Should the birthday girl leave out a friend just because OP's DD is a girl?

How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

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