How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

[Tryingmybestadhd]

My daughter is 6 and in a small class ( 13 and only 4 girls ) She is the only girl not invited to another girls party in her class . She came home in tears and it’s honestly heartbreaking. They’re where both girls and boys invited so I don’t think it was a numbers issue . To make it worse this girl is one of those that never shuts up and spend all day speaking about her coming party .
How do you deal with this ? She is so upset .
There m no know issues with this girl either .
As an adult I obviously understand the parents are not obligated to to invite everyone but I feel pretty upset as we previously had this girl in 2 of my daughters parties . Altough I don’t think I will invite her anymore for future ones

Please read the op’s post. It says the other girls have been invited.

This does matter.

A dynamic of just three other girls will be challenging even at the best of times.

There's also a life lesson in teaching your daughter not to be a pushover, i.e. If someone leaves you out deliberately then rubs your nose in it everyday, they've made their feelings clear about you and you'll remember that when issuing your birthday party invitations. What goes around comes around! It'll also teach the other girl/her parents to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

100% this

This happened to my DS, and I was shocked as the whole football team was invited and not him. (It wasn't a football related party.) However, I was really good friends with the parents, and my DS with the birthday boy had been to all party since they were 3 years old. They were still really good friends, no fall outs or anything.
First I heard of the party when I was picking my DD from another party she was at and all his friends were turning up for his friends' party! I was frustrated as the parents never said anything to me or my DS, and my DH said ignore it. 😤 I wish I didn't ignore and talk to parents as it was awkward as anything after that.

I would ask the parents if they are aware your DD was the only girl not invited was there a reason? If so, let it drop. However, be wary with this person going forward.
Maybe for DD, find out what they are doing and do it with her BFF before that then. All the chat at school won't bother her as she hasn't missed out doing it. In fact, she will know more of what they may be doing than them.
This may be terrible advice. Sorry if it is.

I did read the post, including the fact that some boys are invited too.

If there was only 1 spot left and it came down to a girl the birthday girl doesn't feel close to or a boy she does then why shouldn't the birthday girl pick the boy?

Numbers are usually limited and it again, it is a good lesson to learn. You can't be invited to every party and there's nothing to make a fuss about.

I used to think like that but now I think you can be a fool too. If you have invited said child twice and no known issues I think it is extremely bad manners not to invite back and that's before you take into account there are only 4 girls
I always reciprocated invites but to to go twice and not issue an invitation is v v poor form. I wouldn't be inviting this child next time around. They are counting on you being the better person so they don't have to be

No way on earth would I pulled into a tit for tat who’s invited to whose party gripe battle. Do something else with dd that day and just ignore the whole thing.

This is the only reasonable response. You keep bright and breezy about it. Don't make it a big deal and she will hopefully get over it quickly.

That’s no indication they only play with or befriend other girls, though — everyone involved is only six. When DS was that age, all the boys and girls very much still played together and once birthday parties stopped being ‘whole class’, he would have had a mix of boys and girls at his parties, the kids he was closest to. Definitely boys and girls drifted apart for a few years, but now he’s 11, they’re absolutely all hanging out again and playing online in mixed-sex groups.

I think people are missing out on the fact that this child has been invited to and attended 2 parties hosted by OP. Do people not have basic manners anymore?

Parties are for children. I wouldn't force my child to invite someone they didn't want to invite, especially if it meant not inviting someone they did want to invite.

Let children invite who they want to invite.

Not really. If the OP has had whole class parties and this kid wants to have a small thing for whatever reason (cost might be a big factor) then she can't invite everyone who has invited her in the past.

This is the age at which parties start to get smaller anyway.

It's a pity there are only 4 girls in your DD class because it would be less noticeable to her if there were more. I suppose with the cost of living crisis the birthday girl might only be allowed to invite a few DC. Just plan to go something really nice with your DD on that same day maybe ice-skating or bowling and hot chocolate and cake afterward. Then when the girls are talking about the girls party your DD can say oh I did X with Mummy that day. Don't whatever you do ring the other parents.

That's really shit based on the number of girls and hard not to take personally.

I do always explain that it's difficult to invite everyone to everything and remind them on occasions where they have done something with just one or two friends rather than all.

One time when DS was particularly upset I told a white lie and said we weren't available that day so he wouldn't have been able to go anyway. I think I made up a very important visit to granny.

Exactly and the ops not said how many kids invited and not answered the question. It’s a key point being omitted, so I’m guessing the truth is it’s a very small party and the op knows if she said the truthful answer the responses would be different.

Oh op your poor DD it's awful isn't it, I've recently had similar to this my DD is 9 and in a friendship group of 7 girls one has recently been away bought everybody a friendship bracelet but my DD. I've told DD not to.worry and not everybody values there friendships in the same way.
We are due to go away in a few week and DD will buy for all the girls in the friendship group...if it was up to me I'd leave said girl out.

Am surprised the school isn’t more proactive at that age - ours is very clear that if you choose not to go the whole class party route it needs to be kept out of school, no invites to book bags etc. And definitely no discussion of it!

With 13 in the class I think it depends how many got invited

If 6/8 and she choose 3girls and 4 boys then it's horrible but not unkind as such

If 11/12 are going ie almost whole class then that is bullying

If she was invited and you didn't reply you would be chased

My dd6 is going to a party in 2w. Mum is new and said she hasn't heard back from a mum so I gave her her details to call as didn't know who she was

Mum did get invite but wasn't sure if could make it so hadn't replied

Slightly diff story but point is if your dd was invited and nothing from you the mum would contact you to check if got invite etx

Or wats app you

Have all 11 other children been invited? if yes, you have a reason to be upset. if not - gender really doesn’t come into the decision making process. the girl’s best friends might be 2 girls and 3 boys… If numbers are a concern telling the birthday child that they can’t invite one if their actual friends because they have to invite a random child based on their gender is not going to be good for anybody

we had something similar but during lockdown, when there were max numbers on get-togethers, and my little one was the one left out of an otherwise whole class invitation...such big tears and sadness but the class teacher carefully asked the mum for me, and the reason behind it was explained.

hard stuff to learn when you're a small thing, and def spk to teacher about the party host being mouthy about it, as that is nasty...

Regardless of the party you are in for a tough time with just four girls in the whole class. It is too much pressure in my experience. I have teens now, but my best advice is to consider moving her where she will make plentiful friends and have many options to play with lots of different children. There comes a point when the boys and girls gradually stop mixing for a while, and it makes it very difficult if she only has boys as friends. This party has highlighted a bigger problem. They don’t sound tightly knit which is what you would need as a minimum for this to work.

Oft - this is hard.

My approach would be to organise a really nice outing on the day of the party. You don’t have to link the outing to the party, just something to help distract your dd with.

Be super mindful and aware of her feelings the week before and after. She may get upset about other things, seemingly unconnected, just give her love and attention.

This is a great opportunity to discuss the way these huge feelings can make us feel. Learning how to manage being left out is a hugely important social skill. I know lots of grown ups who’ve never mastered it. It depends on your dd - personally, I wouldn’t bring up these big conversations myself but wait til she starts the conversations. Then it’s really important to name the feelings, talk about the physical sensations. You can talk about how you can have two feelings at the same time “I really like X but I’m angry at her because she’s invited”

Listen a lot to her. Don’t talk or give too much advice. Explain this is something that happens a lot in life - it always hurts a bit but the hurt feeling doesn’t last forever. It happens to everyone, even grown ups, even you! Then distraction, love and fun.

edited for typo

We are going through this exact situation, except the boy whose party is has invited the whole class apart from my daughter. He’s very unpopular and has has a slight obsession wit my daughter… his mum keeps talking about sandwiches and party food right in front of us knowing fine well what she’s doing. Also she’s hired a church hall. So what would one more child of been. I think for her birthday il invite the whole school bar him 😁 no advice just the human race are awful at times.

Bunch of fucking pricks. Take her out on the day and spoil her.

That doesn’t make sense — if he’s ‘unpopular’, is the whole class, who presumably don’t like him, actually attending the party? Or invited but declined? And if he’s obsessed with your daughter, why didn’t he invite her? And if he did, would you even want her to go?