If I can’t leave my baby to cry then what am I supposed to do here???!

[parpsb]

Everything I read online says you cannot leave your baby to cry. I obviously have always tried to avoid this. He’s now 10 months and goes absolutely crazy if I am not with him. He does sleep at night but in the day it is non stop. I can’t cook or eat or shower. My partner works away in the week and this can’t be changed. No family nearby and nobody local to help unless we paid.

What am I supposed to do? Even if he’s in his high chair and I start cooking he will lose it, wants to get out, then I take him to the playpen and go back to cook and again he’s screaming, howling. I just want to disappear.

IMO there is a big difference between “leaving a baby to cry” and leaving a crying baby in a safe place for less than ten minutes while you wash for have a slice of toast.

People with easy babies make nonsense rules

Breathe, this phase will pass. It is really difficult and this experience will push you to your limits but actually your limits are far beyond this. You're doing GREAT!
Bit of tv, ipad when you're cooking is fine, circulate toys to keep dc interested.
Keep going duck x

You can leave your baby to cry. If you are coping, just leave them for a bit. It won’t harm them.

I also had a ‘Velcro baby’ (six months older now but still prefers to be carried), and I just wore them in a carrier most
of the time…!

Can you afford a couple of hours with a childminder a week or something, to give you a break?

Aw love ❤️

Where does he want to be, on you? Mine is 21 months now and wouldn't tolerate a playpen; ever. He hated being left trapped! He has always loved cooking with me, and now has a step so he can stand at the surface and help me chop/break eggs/whatever. He hates reins, too. He's an independent soul!

At 10 months, I was still making brilliant use of his carrier, so if he wanted to be with me and I needed to do something, I put him in there. He showered with me, and still does. Basically I figured out how to involve him in everything I did. It got easier with practice! That worked for me. We are in the same position; no family and no childcare, so there was a lot of just getting on with it.

That said; "don't let your baby cry" is well meant advice, but it's not always possible, and it's much better that he cries for a couple of minutes while you eat some toast or jump in the shower than that you break down. Honestly.

They mean you shouldn't leave them to cry for a long time, not that they should never cry. Put him down where he can see you, is safe, and has toys and have your shower, cook, etc. He'll cry, but he'll be fine.

For some activities you could also try a carrier on your back, and do get help in to give you a break if you can afford it at all. He'll grow out of this clingy phase but it's not natural for babies or parents to be stuck at home alone Monday to Friday just the two of them. You need breaks and he needs to see that he's ok when he's not stuck to you. It'll take him a while to get used to someone else taking care of him but he'll get there.

This. My son was NOT an easy baby, and I realised that half the rules were not doable with a baby like mine. There had to be a balance of my own sanity as well, I was sacrificing enough of myself becoming a mum, I wasn't prepared to give away my sanity too.

Will he watch YouTube? Try super simple songs. Jumperoo? One of the only things my son loved was the jumperoo - but if I listened to the "rules" that he shouldn't be in it for longer than 10 mins at a time, I would have gone mad. I left him in it to allow me to do jobs and a break from the whining and crying... and what do you know, he is now 2.5 and zero issues with his legs and feet. In fact he is much more physically able than a lot of other kids at nursery his age.

All I can say is, feel free to read the advice, but do what works for you. And make sure you prioritise your own sanity in and amongst your child's needs too - happy mum happy baby and all that, its not just about them.

You can leave him to cry for short periods of time to do what needs to be done. I had a cling on and she just had to deal with nursery/grandparents from 9 months while I was at work. Luckily DH was home in the evenings but it was always me she wanted. She is 13 now and growing in independence but still loves to hug me.

You absolutely, 100% can leave him in a safe place whilst you have a wee or a quick shower. Or you prepare meals or wash up.

Im not one of those parents who picked up the baby immediately everytime because sometimes you just can’t!

It’s really hard when you need to shower, cook etc.

When I was cooking I would put my DD in the sling on my back and get on with it, whether she stopped crying or not. She is 15 months now and has learned that her options are putting around and playing by herself while I cook, or wailing and hanging onto my legs - and getting put in the carrier. She chooses the former!

If he can see you then it’s fine. I bought one of those seats that you can sit them in - on the worktop, on the shower floor, I forget their name but they’re very lightweight.

give him a plastic bottle with pasta shells to shake or play music too

Honestly those that say they never left their baby to cry at all are insane or had the best baby every. I think anyone with a formula fed baby has had to leave them to cry for a bit at least. I certainly didn't want to hold my baby whilst i went downstairs at 2am with blerry eyes and used boiling water to make bottles.

No baby has ever died from crying for a few minutes. they have died from frustrated parents who can't cope anymore, they have died from falling down the stairs with their sleepy parent. As long as your baby is in a safe place you can leave him for a few minutes to take care of yourself.

Letting them empty the lower kitchen cupboards of saucepans bought some time. Or a bag of kitchen implements to bash about with.

This is perfect 👍🏻

I'm a single parent, seriously would have lived in a hovel/starved/died of sleep deprivation/never washed if I'd never let my dd cry at some point!

If they're safe, warm, not unwell, not hungry etc it's absolutely fine to leave them to cry so you can do all the other essential things that need doing including self care!!

You do whatever works best for you. A few minutes crying because you’re making some food or taking a shower will not damage him long term. It really won’t. But it’s horrible to listen to so anything you can do to avoid it might make your life a bit calmer at the moment.
You can take him in the shower with you. Let him play on the floor. Or put him in a playpen in the bathroom and leave the shower door/curtain open so he can see you.
Prep food when he naps so you can just pull it out/heat it up when it’s time to eat. Things like portions of spaghetti bolonaise can be frozen and heated up for lunches or dinners when you’re having a difficult day. It’s also fine to use some convenience foods.
This is a phase. He will figure out that he’s not being abandoned every time you’re out of sight and he will learn to keep playing or just sit and watch you. It will get better.
And again, he is not being damaged if he cries while you make yourself tea and toast. Of course you need to eat and shower, even if it makes him grummy. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Who says you "can't"?
When my kids were babies letting them cry for a little while, seeing if they self soothe, wait and see approach was encouraged.

I do meal prep and batch cooking at night while baby sleeps (or while DH tends to baby if she wakes). Shower and wash hair at night. Eat while she is eating, or have her in sling (usually a cold sandwich, prepped the night before, so no risk of burning).

I had velcro babies I couldn't put down and wore them. I couldn't cope with hearing them cry (just how I am, not saying I'm better, before someone says it). Front carrier when small, back when a bit bigger. I assure you OP, this will not last. Once your baby is walking he will be off. Mine are much older now and understand 'wait'. Do you have any friends or family members who can give you a short break?

One of ours was like this. Stick the TV on, co sleep if able to safely (breastfeeding, no blanket etc) get out some kitchen things (eg pots, spoons, tuppawear) and let him play with them in the kitchen while you cook, keep them purely for playing with when cooking to keep them interesting. Shower when he's asleep, for naps try getting him to sleep in the pushchair so you're not stuck holding him for the nap and can get things done.

That’s really tough, love. Mine was like this and it drove me nuts!

Not leaving them to cry means not abandoning them for ages to cry themselves to sleep. It’s also more dangerous under 6 months.

Sitting him where he can see you, giving him some toys and gently telling him ‘mummy has to cook now I’ll pick you up as soon as I can’ is fine. Obvs you have to put up with the screaming tho!

Or get a sling. I’ve just ordered a toddler one for my two year old as he just HAS to be carried around come 6pm 🤷🏻‍♀️

Childrearing philosophies, in English speaking countries anyway, have been constantly progressing further and further into attachment parenting, 'gentle parenting' etc. That's where this is coming from.

Ohhh this takes me back. DD used to cry whenever she was put down. I used to have to put her in a bouncy chair in the bathroom while I showered! Later she was diagnosed with reflux, she hated being flat..hence why she wanted to be held. She was much better when she started on medication for that and why she was able to sit up and stand.
I got slings which helped - I could do a lot with her strapped to my chest or my back. But yes, sometimes I simply had to put her down and let her cry for a bit.
agree with pp there’s a big difference between letting a baby cry for a few minutes because you can’t hold them in that moment and letting them ‘cry it out’ where they cry until they fall asleep.

My youngest was worst, oldest was easy. With my youngest the oldest hated her crying so I would pick her up which made her a velcro baby and we had to resort to a baby carrier round the house.....but it will pass.

Let him whinge and wine. Keep talking to him, go back to him every 2 minutes or so and interact a bit, give him some food to play with or a spoon to mix with. You don't need to pick him up just let him know you haven't forgotten him.

You CAN leave a baby to cry, sometimes its just unavoidable. One of the most useful things anyone ever told me was to remember that a baby crying doesnt always mean they're really distressed they just have no other form of communication, so a baby crying isnt the same as an older child or an adult crying and some cries (you'll know the difference) can be left for a little while, no harm done.

Ah I am out of the loop, that's ridiculous.