If I can’t leave my baby to cry then what am I supposed to do here???!

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Everything I read online says you cannot leave your baby to cry. I obviously have always tried to avoid this. He’s now 10 months and goes absolutely crazy if I am not with him. He does sleep at night but in the day it is non stop. I can’t cook or eat or shower. My partner works away in the week and this can’t be changed. No family nearby and nobody local to help unless we paid.

What am I supposed to do? Even if he’s in his high chair and I start cooking he will lose it, wants to get out, then I take him to the playpen and go back to cook and again he’s screaming, howling. I just want to disappear.

Both my kids have been like this tbh. My second is almost 2 and still is. He usually won't even settle with his older sister if I'm e.g. cooking, he still screams for me even though she's fantastic with him and tries to console and entertain him. I don't think there is an answer to this tbh as sometimes things just need to be done. I do the bare minimum I can as I don't want him to be upset (and did the same with my daughter, who tbh at 5 still cant entertain herself for long). But otherwise I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. It gets easier as they get older.

when I showered I left DT’s in their cots - never entered my head to put their baby bouncers in the bathroom with me. They often cried but it didn’t last for long. I also never wanted to use a sling or carrier - I used a playpen from the start - kept the dog and cat safe!
DT’s started full time nursery at six months old - made managing them much easier as they became more comfortable away from DH and I.

He’s 10 months old. Provided he’s in a safe space it is 100% okay to let him cry while you do what needs to be done.

Normal part of their development, separation anxiety child realises you and her are separate individuals.

Buy a baby carrier like ergo omni dream, you can do housework and baby is happy because she goes where you go. For showers i have found baby bjorn bouncer great,babies bounces herself while i shower or stand next to a hot hob. I threw out million bouncers before baby bjorn is worth the £££

If the separation anxiety troubler your child at night-cosleeping,you both get a good sleep. Make sure you cosleep safely tho,check out Lullaby trust

I am so so glad I had DS2 second. If he had been my first I might have been one of those parents who genuinely can’t believe a baby wouldn’t be anything but gloriously content being parked in front of a washing machine or a blowing curtain for an hour or some of the other stuff you read on here 🙄

OP I could have written this exact post 2 years ago. In fact mine wouldn’t even sleep unless she was in my arms! Nothing I did helped. And the second she touched a bassinet or a playpen or whatever she would start to cry. Every task I did was accompanied by her crying in the background because she needed to constantly be touching someone in order to be okay. Reading all the comments on mumsnet saying to never leave the baby to cry gave me an IMMENSE amount of guilt because I left her to cry to you know GO TO THE BATHROOM. Or to make myself a sandwich so I don’t starve and so my milk simply doesn’t dry up.

You have not done anything wrong. You aren’t a horrible mother. You are doing just fine.

I will even admit that I am in fact a terrible mom in mumsnet terms because I could not nicely teach my child to sleep in her crib. By nicely I mean not internet approved. After spending so much money and time trying to teach her to sleep in her crib in all the nice ways. Reading all the parenting books, hiring a sleep specialist and talking with the doctor several times. I gave up and did the cry it out method when she turned 12 months. So there you go. If you’re a bad mom then I’m the WORST mom.

I’m just not the kind of person who is okay being constantly attached to my child 24/7. I needed the nighttime back. Just because some other mom is okay being stuck to her baby like glue doesn’t mean I am. The worst part was I was still in the room during the cry it out method. I started with 10 minutes the first week. And then 15 the next week. And gradually turned it up as time went by. She obviously did not appreciate this. But now she is two and she is a very happy snuggly child and she has given no signs that she is traumatized by the event.

Honestly, a door bouncer is a God-send at this age. Your baby is getting ready to be up on his feet and once they are more active they tend to be happier. My dd would bounce happily for 30 minutes at a time 😂and if you get a door one it's easily moved from room to room.

Honestly take no notice to this. It’s all these bloody Instagram influencer mums pushing this nonsense. None of them have got a children based qualification between them but spout all this self righteous stuff like they’re the be all and end all. It’s always prefaced with “you got this mama” 🤮.

If you need to do something as long as the babies in a safe place and can’t hurt themselves then do what you need to do. I wouldn’t leave my little one for ages and ages but a few minutes is fine.
Can you take the high chair into the kitchen with you while you cook and talk to them as your making stuff or give them snacks 😂.
I also got a cheap bouncer for upstairs in the bathroom while I showered or got ready. A bit of Ms Rachel or dancing fruits keeps my little one quiet for a good 20 minutes too.

Oh yes so very true! And the natural suggestion was to wear the baby which I would have loved to do but I had a back injury from giving birth so wearing my baby was absolutely hell on earth. I have since recovered with postnatal yoga. But you know the first year you don’t really have the time or energy to do yoga ESPECIALLY with a velcro baby!

@SadDustBunny thank you your post has literally changed my day x

I’m glad I could help. Dark times those were for me. But they do get better. Once mine started cruising at around 10 months she slowly started learning to distract herself with her toys. We got her a walker for her first birthday and she loved that thing to pieces (literally!). And I was happy to put her down and let her have at it because it was nice to see her demonstrate a sense of independence that didn’t require her being latched onto me. 😂

Plus imagine cooking food while wearing the baby, hot ovens and frying pans etc and the baby just sitting there in the firing line.

Honestly I blame a lot of social media for some PND/PNA because they portray this perfect image or make you feel awful for feeling frustrated with a crying baby or sleep deprived and running on fumes. Does my bloody head in.

Oh yes! I quickly realized how impractical wearing a baby is through baby many tasks even without a a back injury! There’s just no space for your arms to do much!

I think how this gets described as "leaving" your baby to cry is so bloody stupid.

Rethink it as "accepting your baby will cry" occasionally, often times you haven't "left" at all. Comfort doesn't only mean immediately holding the baby. You can be talking or singing or shushing a baby in a high chair or bouncy chair while you stir a hot pan, you can be playing peekaboo through the shower door.

There will also be tons of situations where they will cry even if you are holding them etc, because they are ill,or because they wanted to put their fingers in the dogs mouth and weren't allowed, or because a rubbish truck went past and they didnt like the noise, or because they would like to breastfeed continously 24/7 but hate the sling/won't feed in it and mummy needs to buy/eat/cook food.

Some babies hate it too!

I actually have a pretty easy going baby overall but ''wearing'' him = immediate howling.

If this reassures you op ..in the old days women would put their babies in the pram and stick them at the end of the garden while they got on with their housework... remember these women would often have multiple kids, husbands who didn't lift a finger and no labour saving devices. They really didn't have the luxury of holding their babies all day. Anyway, not suggesting you should stick you baby in the garden and ignore them 😂...but it's absolutely fine to leave them crying for a few moments while you brush your teeth, make some food etc.

No they didnt,prams are a modern invention. Dont see mothers in africa rolling prams around do you.

My great grandma and her elders wore babies tied with a cloth on their backs while working on the fields,just like these days still in asian countries.

no one would have left babies on their own- babies cry because their instinct is without a mum they are open to be taken away by a wolf or be injured, their cry is realising they are not safe. Of course we dont have wolves hanging around these days as we dont live in caves but cant mdoernize a baby at birth they follow their instincts and mum=safety and best chance for survival

Prams have been around for centuries.

Women used to leave their babies outside shops in their prams whilst they did their shopping.

When my Eldest DS was a baby he would cry if I left him. At night I even had to put a piece of clothing I'd been wearing in his cot at night so he would sleep and even had to take him in the shower with me. It is so hard when they won't let you even go out of a room. My MIL used to say just leave him cry which is what she did with her children but I found it very difficult, but it really doesn't hurt them to cry which I did eventually have to do. I used to leave the bathroom door open so I could still speak to him when I had a shower or if I was in the kitchen etc. I used to put him in his cot in his own room with toys to play with, when I had a shower. He got used to it in the end and did stop crying. I will say that he still wouldn't stay with anyone over night not even with my mum who lived just up the road from me until he was 5 years old. I do have two other children an older DD and a young DS but I never had the same issue with either of them. I think some of what parents are told these days doesn't help and there is a lot of contradictory information out there. I hope this helps

All the people saying use a baby carrier clearly didn't have a chonk of a child. At 10 months I would have wrecked my back wearing my absolute unit of a DS 🤣

Absolutely

Could never get on with carriers

And agree with people saying sometimes you have to get on with stuff

OP's baby is 10 months old, not a newborn.

Wow! You know so much about africa! I’m amazed. Which part of africa did you visit to figure that out? Naturally they don’t use smart phones either. Why on earth would they? They’re practically living in the stone age over there!

I think screens might work for these times if necessary