If I can’t leave my baby to cry then what am I supposed to do here???!

[parpsb]

Everything I read online says you cannot leave your baby to cry. I obviously have always tried to avoid this. He’s now 10 months and goes absolutely crazy if I am not with him. He does sleep at night but in the day it is non stop. I can’t cook or eat or shower. My partner works away in the week and this can’t be changed. No family nearby and nobody local to help unless we paid.

What am I supposed to do? Even if he’s in his high chair and I start cooking he will lose it, wants to get out, then I take him to the playpen and go back to cook and again he’s screaming, howling. I just want to disappear.

Oops sorry I left that half written for ages and just now finished it, you've said what I said but half an hour ago!

Of course you can leave your baby to cry?! How do you function otherwise. Just talk to them, say ‘mummy’s just making dinner / doing this etc”.they need to get used to self soothing.

And I’m not sure how a sling constantly will help. Babies need to have independent time and learn that you are still around and they are safe, just that they won’t be held constantly

These kind of baby's have to live in carriers. Or you have to sing/entertain them non stop whilst they are in that high chair!

Why didn’t you put them in their cot or playpen whilst you went to the toilet, had a shower or cooked dinner? Mine cried but I had things to do.
At nursery they don’t get carried around everywhere.

Our 16month is like this and I was never a big TV parent before him however, Mr Tumble does wonders while you make food or just have 10 minutes to yourself. Neither of our other two were this bad, he literally screams if in the playpen or high chair if I pop for a pee or make breakfast etc. Mr Tumble hypnotises him….

Put the highchair near you in the kitchen, give him a blunt plastic knife and a pepper or a cucumber or something and let him “help”.

If he is safe then he can cry a little while you have a shower etc. he needs to learn that he will be alright even if he isn’t getting exactly what he wants now.

"Everything I read online says you cannot leave your baby to cry. "

Eh? Where says this? Nowhere I've ever seen. Total rubbish.

No... I mean give up trying to get the attention of their care giver, because their care giver clearly isn't coming back to them.

Leaving a baby to cry is much harder on the mum than the child. Do it. He won't remember it and he'll be perfectly fine.

Er, on Mumsnet for one.

Apparently it damages them.

Apparently you have to ‘wear’ babies like this all the time or you’re a neglectful mother. (See post above).

No stage lasts forever. He sees you as part of him and doesn’t want to be away from you. My daughter was like this for a while, but it didn’t last for long, and when it stopped I really missed it, because she wanted other people instead of me (as sad as that sounds).

He will grow out of this, but for now as long as your baby is in a safe place, it’s ok to have a shower and cook dinner

For balance, when my DD grew out of it I didn't miss it at all

It's fine to leave older babies to cry for short periods. I know it's easier said than done but if you're in the kitchen put him in his highchair and talk to him while you're working. He might not like it but he can see you and he's safe. Give him some finger food or something to play with - though he'll probably throw it down. Put on children's activity songs and sing and act with him whilst working. Try waiting a short time before going to him and talk to him, interact with him before picking him up. Dc1 was like this but I wouldn't have had 4 if I hadn't managed to wean her off me.

I can see this with my gs who is 18 months old. The second he starts crying he's picked up, cuddled etc - he has 200% adult attention at all times (dd and her dh). He's gorgeous but they're definitely not doing him any favours.

Sling, Ergo carrier. It's not forever.

It was pretty normal for babies to get put out for fresh air in pram in garden in the 60s and 70s

This is based on attachment theory if you want to have a look into it. Not letting babies “cry it out” means you are teaching them a fundamental truth about the world- that they are important and their needs will be met, the world is a safe place for them.

however it is fine for them to cry, it’s a normal part of expressing their feelings, have a shower and cook, have baby near you - sing to them, look at them, remind them that you are there,

attachment theory suggest that in order to have a ‘securely attached’ child you should be responding gently to their needs about 50% of the time. Loads of room for missed cues and mistakes your only human.

baby will learn you are doing your best, you’ve totally got this xx

Because she didn't want to? I never left dd to cry(she was clingy ds wasn't), I carried her everywhere with me, she was attached to my hip. I didn't mind though, I knew it would be for a short period of time and it was. She is 14 now and I haven't carried her anywhere in years

What do you think is going to happen to him because he is picked up and cuddled? Maybe she feels that her needs weren't responded to enough so is trying to break the cycle?

Please don’t talk down the mother of your grandchild for responding to him and cuddling him. Cuddling and carrying babies around doesn’t cause harm. You can’t spoil a baby by giving them loving touch. Science supports this. Holding them and reassuring them is a stress reliever and generally thought of as an important part of developing a healthy response to stress as they grow (this is simplified and there’s a lot more too). It releases serotonin and oxytocin, which not only helps with bonding but also helps a baby’s brain develop, their neurological system develop and has several other effects including as an anti inflammatory. There’s really no issue with picking up a baby a lot.

However, equally it’s not a problem if you usually respond to their needs and for a short time you can’t because you’re doing housework or having a shower . It’s also not a problem to sit them in a safe place and soothe them with chatting etc. As the OP was asking about.

My baby is very similar it’s really tough. We have a jumperoo which I drag into the kitchen so she can be right next to me while I cook. Some people will advise against using them as they’re not great for baby’s hips but in short bursts personally I think it’s okay and it’s the only thing I’ve found keeps her happy enough for me to cook. High chair suction toys are also worth trying. I try to eat when baby eats, we’re doing blw so I just make enough of whatever she is having for both of us. For showers I usually wait until DP’s home to be honest but if i really need one and it’s just me and baby I have baby bjorn bouncer with a toy bar that she’ll usually tolerate for 10 mins or so. You could also try a bumbo seat though I’m not sure if 10 months might be a bit close to the weight limit.
It’s really hard and so draining to have an insanely clingy baby, you’re not alone OP as much as it feels like it. One day baby won’t be so clingy, we’ve just got to try and get through it, you got this mama ❤️

Hi op, mine is 10mths also. We had a run of separation anxiety there as well. Things I found helped, having a 'packed lunch' made the night before for yourself so you get lunch, ours is steady on his feet so we got a learning tower for the kitchen so he can stand beside me and watch while I cook, I wear him in a sling on days it's ready bad when I need to get things done, when I need to shower I strip him and put him in the bath seat (our shower is in our bath) at the other end with his toys and he gets a shower too, when dh comes home he takes over and I get an hour or so to myself and will chill nap or clean depending on how the day has been, I find when there's music on its easier to slip out of the room, ds goes in his bath seat in the bath when I need to pee.

Obviously there will be times when you have to leave your baby to cry and as long as its not prolonged this can help baby to build a bit of resilience. I will set ds up in his cot with his toys and music in the background and go into my room to get dressed. If he cries very hard ill go get him.

We've more or less baby proofed the nursery, our bedroom and our living room so he can crawl about the floor in those rooms while I'm doing things and keeping an eye on him. Lots of peekaboo around doors and walls helps them build reassurance that you can leave but you'll still come back.

It's totally normal for his stage of development so I try to take comfort in that he's doing what he should be and actually he has such a lovely bond with you that up to now he thought you were the same person.

Sometimes ds will cry for maybe a minute but then he'll notice his surroundings and get interested in a toy and then he's fine for 10 minutes. I think it's finding the balance between not letting them get completely distraught, but also giving them the opportunity to learn that they are safe and you will return. I sing and talk to ds from other rooms as well so he can hear me if he can't see me which is you responding even if you aren't able to pick them up right at that moment.

You need to survive parenthood as well so if you need a little time in a day to step away for the good of your mental wellbeing or to eat or pee or wash, it won't undermine all the love and attention you've given the rest of the day.