If I can’t leave my baby to cry then what am I supposed to do here???!

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Everything I read online says you cannot leave your baby to cry. I obviously have always tried to avoid this. He’s now 10 months and goes absolutely crazy if I am not with him. He does sleep at night but in the day it is non stop. I can’t cook or eat or shower. My partner works away in the week and this can’t be changed. No family nearby and nobody local to help unless we paid.

What am I supposed to do? Even if he’s in his high chair and I start cooking he will lose it, wants to get out, then I take him to the playpen and go back to cook and again he’s screaming, howling. I just want to disappear.

Of course you can leave him to cry. Mine is nearly 10 months and sometimes he just has to wait, especially if it is a want and I have a need such as eating, weeing etc.

I've also never jumped up and rushed to him when he woke up at night to encourage self soothing which he started doing at a very young age.

Qualified nanny of over 25 years here;

You do YOU.

YOU need to be safe, happy and in a good mental state in order to be able to look after your child. If that means leaving him for 10 minutes whilst you get a shower then you do that. It won't kill him.

I'm not an advocate for "put him in a sling while you're cooking" or "take him into the shower with you." You need TIME FOR YOU and sometimes that means your baby will need to cry for a while. Is he learning that you are abandoning him? Course he's bloody not. He's learning that even though you need to leave him for a few minutes, you WILL come back. He is learning that screaming doesn't mean automatically getting the attention that he wants. And I am talking about the times when there is nothing immediately wrong; not hungry, not in pain, not hot, not cold - he just can't see you.

It's healthy to leave him for a few minutes. It's healthy for both of you.

You got this, amazing Mummy.

My youngest cried every time she was put in her car seat and for the whole journey - but eldest dd’s school meant over an hour in the car every day - so youngest cried a lot! It was stressful but she survived and there’s been no damage to her from it (she’s a very happy and well balanced 7 year old). Try to be easy on yourself.

Don't worry. Of course you can leave them to cry for a few minutes while you do something you need to do.

My mum in law used to say they cry tears not blood

Have that shower, that pee, that coffee ... it's ok. You aren't causing harm to your baby in any way.

OP you quickly learn to ignore the crap unrealistic internet advice
I've left all 3 of mine crying while getting things done. They were fed, clean and safe. They just couldn't be carried by me at certain times and we're not happy about it. I mean I love my children but I'm not gonna be holding them while wiping my backside or cooking over a hot cooker which is what some MN-ers seem to advocate. I'd rather they were crying in their bouncer than at risk of burns or other injuries.
Do what you need to to get through this time OP. Short periods of crying doesn't do any harm.
It's funny how a babys cry is the first thing we eagerly listen out for and are relieved when we hear it at delivery, and from then on that same cry is seen as some sort of distress call that must never be heard again.

I had one of these babies.

At this age I would try putting something like Teletubbies on just so you can have a shower

I used to do in the cot (so safe) with an iPad showing CBeebies on a nearby table

Literally no second or subsequent baby ever is picked up immediately every single time they cry. There doesn't seem to be observable damage that this does to younger siblings...

They go through a big leap in separation anxiety around 9/10 months so it's totally normal for baby to want to be with you in sight/reaching distance aaallllllll the time but it is absolutely exhausting!

Have you got a baby carrier? Wear baby on your back so you can get on and cook and do things. Or when on a playmat give them spoons or potatoes or pumpkins to play with, a cake tin and a whisk, anything to distract and keep talking constantly to baby when you're not wearing them so your voice can be heard. Sing loudly and a lot! It does get better eventually.

Also to add that this is such an only child problem
Once there are 2+ babies / toddlers then crying becomes a background noise as one is usually not getting your attention and crying. You learn which cry needs immediate attention and which cry is just a "I've not got what I want" moan x

This is something that I've said to parents on numerous occasions and many of them let me know after they've had a second child that I was absolutely right!

Sarah Ockwell Smith and her 'followers' are certainly loud from my experience but there's definitely other philosophies still out there and some that encourage sleep training from 6 months old.

I went 'retro' and did a mix of Gina Ford and the baby whisperer with my 10 month old.

I was attachment parenting 30 years ago. It's not new.

Wearing babies while loading the dishwasher is useless - you just smack their heads off the top tray when you bend down. I tried. Never mind trying to cook while wearing them. Doing all your domestic chores and showering when the baby is asleep is also unrealistic. Studies about leaving babies to cry have been done in Romanian orphanages, not on babies with devoted mothers who cuddle them all the time.

Attachment parenting is fine but you have to leave some time for you to get on with things. I wish I'd known this when DD was small and not spent 3 hours a day on the sofa with her sleeping on top of me. However, when DS came along I was quickly cured - you have to put the baby down when there's a jealous toddler wanting attention too! DS has slept better from the word go because he had to nap in his cot or Moses basket, and he had to be put in the car to go to DD's activities, and I couldn't hold him while cooking plus deal with DD wanting to be held too.

Just think - what if you'd had twins? You'd never have a hand free if you held them all the time. Twins learn that you can't always get to them immediately, and so will your DC. It's ok for them to wait for a bit.

I think that, like many things, it's become more polarised due to social media. You can end up in an Instagram world where it does feel like absolutely everyone else is gentle parenting in an unrealistically demanding way. You can also end up in a tiktok world where everyone is celebrating 'relaxed' parenting to a degree that also seems pretty extreme. I think when they're older it's easier to look around and see that most people are sort of winging it somewhere in the middle like you but baby groups can be a bit intense in a way that makes that harder.

My second and subsequent babies weren't left to cry anymore than my first was. I was a super young Mum, my friends had no babies, I had no-one to learn from so picking my baby up was the only way I knew. I wore them. Another mother of more older children introduced me to the best back carrier that was used in her culture when I had my second. I used it for all of them. They slept in it and it was possible to do things like there was no baby there. So I did work it out and it did work for me.

What I did need though was someone to tell me that my needs mattered too. I coped but I think a lot would have found it more challenging. Have a shower, make that lunch. Your baby will be okay and you will feel much better.

Whilst special educational needs and mental health issues in children have been increasing.........

It's absolutely fine to leave them to cry for a bit, it's just like ignoring whingey toddlers shouting mummmmmeeeeeeeeeee.

It’s leaving your baby to cry and not responding to them that’s the problem. Putting him in the high chair in the kitchen with some sticks of cucumber and toys and chatting to him while you make dinner isn’t leaving him to cry.

Some Native Americans used to leave their babies hung in their papooses on trees so that they learned that crying was not going to get them anywhere. A crying baby could give away a camp location. Look I most definitely left my DS on occasion and I even did controlled crying. He is in his twenties and on a day off today so is taking me out shopping as I have an issue with my ears so am temporarily very hard of hearing and a bit dizzy as having treatment. What I am saying is he is a nice young bloke who is caring and not messed up because I left him to cry sometimes.

@midgemadgemodge spot on. I wish someone had told me this when I had my first!!

I have to preface this by saying I've NEVER read her books but..

I had a family who went 'Gina Ford' with her baby.

I came in to work one (winter) morning and she had placed her young baby (4 months) on the cold kitchen tiled floor to wake her up so she didn't get out of her routine.

I tried to educate this family that things like this were not only bloody unnecessary but also bloody dangerous. I ended up reporting get to SS as there were lots of things amiss.

Anyway, just mentioned that cos someone mentioned Gina Ford.

I agree.

I lost count of the times I wet myself or didn’t shower for days because I didn’t want to leave my baby for 2mins.
I wish I could go back and stop being so silly.

Nothing bad is going to happen if you leave your baby for a couple of minutes, as long as they are safe.

As the PP said there’s a difference between leaving them safely for a few minutes vs just ignoring them.

I also support people leaving them in a safe place and just having a couple of minutes to themselves if they’re feeling overwhelmed.

Same here. My little one loved his walker and they say no more than 15 mins at a time as it will stunt his walking. He was in it alot more than that and was cruising the furniture at 8 months and walking completely independently at 10 months. Do what you need to do for your sanity because giving yourself a breakdown isn't going to help

Gina Ford doesn't say anything about doing something like that to your baby just to keep them awake. That's all their own doing.

You can't put your entire life on pause while a baby cries.

If they're hungry, thirsty, need a change, or are unwell that's a different scenario.

But a baby crying because it wants to be picked up? Unless it's a very new baby, which a ten month old is not, they are fine to wait for a moment as long as they're secure.

So put them in the cot with a toy or two. Have your shower. Cook your food. Hell, make a cup of tea and go and sit at the other end of the house for ten minutes with all the doors shut.

He'll be fine.

Yes, I came to that conclusion at the time.