If I can’t leave my baby to cry then what am I supposed to do here???!

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Everything I read online says you cannot leave your baby to cry. I obviously have always tried to avoid this. He’s now 10 months and goes absolutely crazy if I am not with him. He does sleep at night but in the day it is non stop. I can’t cook or eat or shower. My partner works away in the week and this can’t be changed. No family nearby and nobody local to help unless we paid.

What am I supposed to do? Even if he’s in his high chair and I start cooking he will lose it, wants to get out, then I take him to the playpen and go back to cook and again he’s screaming, howling. I just want to disappear.

I went back to work at 3 months so escaped baby groups and stay far away from Instagram which seems to explain it!

Have you tried a sling
kitchen helper,
what toys does he interact with,

I won't lie I use ms Rachel on you tube to get a shower in if I can't do this before partner leaves
I have a velcro baby on her non nursery days 21m currently on me ATM.
I find it hard, I can't do things that take more than a couple min I don't really eat well, cereal bat, croissant, apple etc
I can get laundry out on airer and put in on patio but can't use line as she cries as it takes to long and I have to leave her in PP

Dinners are to much effort and my partner WFH

Can you start doing slow cooker meals prepped in the evening after bed time and popped on it the am

Is your partner hands on before and after work

Course you can

I'm a single parent of twins - someone has to be left to cry sometimes

If he's in line of sight eg high chair, it's fine to let him cry, not for hours but whilst you prepare food etc. alternatively could you have a playpen/travel cot in the corner of the kitchen? There's a huge difference between authoritarian parenting letting them cry it out and putting your baby in a safe place whilst you pour boiling water, chop veggies, use the bathroom etc. also 10 months is different to 6 weeks. Try to relax a little and just go about what you need to do. I had one screamer though once she could walk she was more content to be put down

Haven’t RTFT but DS1 was like this from about 6 months onwards until he was walking. Wanted to be constantly entertained up in arms. Screamed in any form of containment including the sling/carrier.

I tried to prepare a lot in advance or over nap times and I’d shower in the evening when DH was home (you don’t have this luxury). But for things that had to happen during the day, eg preparing his meals or putting the washing on, I’d give him a cuddle and a kiss, set up some toys then pop him down and let him cry. Only thing I could do really!

The best advice a midwife gave me before leaving postnatal was that you absolutely can leave a baby to cry so you can make a cup of tea.

I have 15 month old that will only sleep on me and cries when I leave him. Play pen is the best creates his own space. I stay with him for a bit but don't get to put dishwasher on and get lunch ready without him screaming for me. It so intense and no easy answers.

My DH worked away 5.5 days a week as well.

DD slept midnight till noon. I used to get up at about 9 and shower and get dressed. Would batch cook at weekends when DH was home. She was walking at 10 months so I set up one of the kitchen cupboards with pans and wooden spoons and she would help herself while I cut veggies or scrambled eggs etc. She would have a whale of a time practicing to be the world’s best drummer. She pretty much ate what I ate and we had lots of floor picnics. She had some safe space to run around and I’d hide some of her toys under chairs or behind cushions for her to find.

if I was showering when she wasn’t asleep I’d just bring her in with me.

Is your baby mobile? Is it the restriction they don’t like?

Is he your only? Because practically all babies have to be left to cry a little if they have older siblings, as your attention is divided. Doesn't do them any harm.

I have a 9 week old DD. She's our fourth, we're knackered and busy, we can't always run to her. Your DS will be fine if you leave him to take a shower or get some food.

What? Of course you can leave them to cry while you do stuff that needs doing.

Pop him somewhere he can see you if you can.

I always found it useful to talk to mine if they cried while I was cooking, if only to drown them out a bit.

“Oh yes, it’s very difficult being you isn’t? I’m just boiling this water to cook some broccoli for you to throw on the floor. What a lovely day!”

I had a velcro baby, to the extreme, probably made worse because of lockdown as it was always just us. Anyway, I really couldnt cope with the crying - the slightest whinge would send me racing to pick her up. And thats fine, but you do also need a break. You need to take care of yourself. What really helped me and stopped me jumping out of the shower with a head full of shampoo, was thinking 'What would i do if i had two children?'

The advice not leaving them to cry is aimed at the parents who literally ignore their child. And sadly, that does happen.

Honestly, I just gave up on having any sort of semblance to my life. My baby would cry if I wasn't with him at all times, I had to stay with him in bed also. I just gave up on trying to change things and stayed with him, albeit with disgusting hair and Un-washed for days at a time (shudder). When he reached 19-20months there was some let up and by 2 I could get on with things. By 2 and a half he is incredibly secure and I can just get on with my day. He skips in to play school, goes to bed on his own and is just generally happy.

Its not ideal and certainly unpleasant to be the parent in this situation but I just thought to myself, hes crying for a reason- even if that was just because he wanted me near him.

Obviously there were times he'd be crying for a couple of minutes but I tried to avoid it if I could and I'm sure that's why he's so easy now. It's bloody hard work OP, it does get easier, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

My DS was a bit like this, and a sleep fighter. We had a jumperoo which was used particularly at meal times to keep him entertained (I can still heat the tune it played in my head now, 10 years later!) Part of the issue I think was he wanted to be mobile and joining in, and was frustrated that he wasn't able to. Is that, or a baby walker an option?

Yikes the sling and trying to cook dinner - that might not go so well - hot hob, chopping with knife junior moving, eh nope.

I would pop them in high chair - put on some music or provide entertainment. I used to re-enact the muppets Swedish chef! interact with them - offer them the spatula and have them feel the food etc.

If you are with them, talking offering comfort it isn't abuse - I would not be leaving them cry in a different room without interaction if they are upset - unless urgent need of the toilet etc.

Sometimes babies cry but if you are sure they are not in pain, hysterical and you are with them and interacting - offering a cuddle etc then you are doing all you can do. They may just be a little frustrated.

Being in the same room isn't leaving them to cry! I wish I hadn't taken that advice so literally either, you're still there and talking to comfort them, not abandoning them to a cot to sob until they pass out from exhaustion.
You need to complete other tasks and it's good for your child to learn about that in an age appropriate way whether that's talking through what you're doing or letting them getting involved once they're capable. He'll soon realise the new routine and the crying will lessen and then stop, and not because you've removed support because you're still right there.

My DC cried constantly. My lovely Health Visitor was quite old-fashioned and said if they're crying, they're alive. If you've checked there's nothing obviously "wrong" that needs urgent attention, you can take a few minutes to shower, do up a few dishes etc.

She also said "Sleep when they sleep, don't use that time to catch up on chores, get into your nightie and into bed".

With my first baby I read everything and followed all of the advice.

A few years later I had a second baby and found that some of the advice had changed.

After a longer gap I had a third baby and by then all of the advice (including from the public health nurse) that I had followed on the previous two was now considered to be completely wrong.

Do what feels right to you.

I think we can all remember being where you are, OP. I really hope that all of the advice and encouragement here is helpful.

When my youngest was born, I had to leave her to cry several times a day, just to be able to use the loo. I thought I might develop such an association, that it would become conditioned into me to “go” whenever a baby cried. Could be really life limiting.

My daughter was like this when she was a baby. It’s hard.

My rationale was that if she was in the car seat in the car and was crying she would have to wait until we finished the journey or it was possible to stop the car. No one would criticise you for that.

If the only way you can have a shower or a sandwich is to let your baby cry for 5 or 10 minutes then sometimes that’s just what you have to do. It’s not the end of the world. It’s also not the same as saying “I am deliberately going to ignore my baby when they cry so that they learn there is no point in crying because I will not come”

Don’t worry about all that. There is a big difference between leaving a baby crying on its own for a long time and getting on with things and being able to function while they cry.

We are farmers so both of ours have had to get on with it, being parked up in a buggy in all weathers (obviously appropriately attired!), being in a playpen or jumperoo and being in the carrier - because the animals won’t suddenly work out how to look after themselves. I just made sure they were warm/cool enough, regular breaks to feed and change and then chatted away to them while I worked. Sometimes they howled, sometimes they were ok - it got better. Have a break and let someone take them where possible 💐

Get a jumparoo and put them in front of a mirror to look at themselves jumping around for 10 mins. It’s not relaxing for you if you have to leave them to cry so it’s worth trying to find something that will distract them.

I remember a health visitor giving me advice on this. Say calmly to the baby - mummys just getting a cup of tea / going to the toilet - and go and do it. stay calm.

You are actually teaching your baby that it's safe for you to walk away! it's important

This.

Ds was an easy baby, dd was not. She would scream for hours whether you cuddled her, lifted her, patted her, sang to her, etc. she just screamed constantly.

Bedtime was hell.

10 minutes is fine.

You can leave a baby to cry if you need to. Google ICON Cope. It is official advice for infant crying. The third thing listed is that it is ok to leave baby in a safe space and walk away! Obviously not for hours. But if you need a few minutes then you need a few minutes. They will be OK.

I know people say it's bad for walking development etc - but at that age my two loved being in one of those car style walkers, (where they make it go with their feet like the flintstones)
It meant I could potter about and they would just follow me.

Also loved the jumperoo or being put in front of the tv for a very short period.

Obviously all of these things are "frowned upon" by child development experts, but at the end of the day you are probably going to do more harm being a frazzled mum who can't get any food prepped/clean/put washing on. You need some time to be able to breathe a bit. You sound like a great mum who wants to do the best for her child.