Regretting school start

[Charlierosered]

My DS is June born and due to start school this September. He is just turned 4 and I'm starting to feel very nervous for him as he'll be one of the youngest. We were recently at a party with some of his friends who'll be in his class and he seems younger than a lot of them, he is very clingy to one of the boys and only wants to play with him. He is excited to start school and academically I think he is ready but worry about him emotionally, he will be quick to cry if he falls etc. I don't know if it's too late to defer or if this would even be in his best interests. Anyone been in this position and how did it work out? Did DC settle in school or did you defer?

My DS2 has turned 5 today, so about 2 months younger in the year than OPs child. He started Reception in September and apart from nodding off in assemblies and being the smallest in all the sports day races he's absolutely thrived at school. He couldn't read or write anything when he left nursery a year ago but he's now doing all those things, is insanely good at maths and has made a lovely group of friends. One of his friends at nursery was an October baby but physically much larger than mine and every time I think of him still having been at nursery for the last year I think how glad I am mine started when he did. He was also 4 weeks prem so should've been a September baby and probably the oldest in this year's cohort but I have absolutely zero regrets about him starting, rather relief that he didn't have to do another year at nursery!

Happy Birthday to your son! Prior to his starting reception did you consider deferral? I had made up my mind a long time ago but just recently starting to worry about him starting and if I'm making the right decision. While being the youngest he would be around the middle of the group size wise so by next year could be the tallest if deferred

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Thank you! He's so pleased it's finally 'his turn' having seen the rest of the class have their birthdays.

No we never really considered deferring him, DH and I had a conversation about it and I looked at the guidance from our local authority but we didn't see a reason to keep him back, especially as he is our second so we had a vague idea what starting school was like!

My due date was 14th September and I was due to be induced at 38 weeks for medical reasons - the consultant asked if I wanted to be booked in for 31st August or 1st September so we'd been through the thought process already in 2018 and I eventually opted for 31st August as wanted him out ASAP to avoid complications I had with DS1. Anecdotally the consultant said her son was an August born and off to Oxbridge and fully supportive of the August date. In the end the decision was out of my hands and he had to arrive even earlier, so I'm quite relieved it wasn't actually my call in the end, but still no regrets with him starting school at 4 + 10 days!

My son is teeny tiny, wearing mainly 2-3 trousers still but there are a couple of other boys and girls in his class who are similarly sized so whilst I'm pretty sure he was the smallest (cutest) one in the school this year it wasn't by a long way. One of his classmates is about the same height as my 7 year old but has a July birthday and his mum said that was really hard as people assumed he was older than he was when he was behaving like a younger child would in public, but starting school has been great for him being amongst children his own age, plus or minus a few months.

We have already had party invitations for 6th birthdays in September though which always jars a bit, but just reminds me how well my son is doing 😊

Unless you have a good, solid reason to defer him rather than just statistics, I'd have faith in him and his teachers and see how he gets on. You can always pull him out if he is really struggling, but once you defer I don't think you can then get him back into the system until next year.

Haha luckily we live in a really nice part of London and have a far nicer house than our son will likely be able to afford for a good while so I think he’ll cope 😂

Ds was a June baby, had no problems at all starting school, he was better than some of the older ones so his teacher said. Don’t worry, he’ll follow other children, and will be absolutely fine. Don’t let your anxiety rub off on him. It’s new and exciting for him!

I'm June born and was definitely not emotionally ready to start at 4. My first school report states that I was very immature and I did find primary school hard. Nonetheless, I now have a degree so I don't think it held me back too much. On the other hand, I now live in Scotland and children born after March don't start until the next school year so my also June born DS started when he was 5. He is now 8 though and still cries easily at things and clings to one friend a lot so ultimately another year doesn't necessarily prevent these things.

The thing is that study after study has shown that, even accounting for other factors, age in Reception does make a statistical difference to outcomes at cohort level. It's great if it doesn't to you (it didn't to me and I'm hoping it won't to my late August boy!) but the evidence does suggest that being an older child in the year confers long term benefits in terms of attainment and perceived SEN status. Whatever you do is a gamble and you just have to hope that you gamble right!

Yes this is a disadvantage - although the counter argument is that only a few need a level resits and those who start age 5 are arguably less likely to fall into that category if they've had the extra year to mature at the beginning.

And many schools have a ‘no resits’ policy regardless; so it wasn’t an option at my state school for instance. It was one bite of the cherry and you were out, and if you wanted to resit you’d have to pay privately. As you say - you’d hope less likely to need to rest if given a fairer start and not missing out on a year of education/development. But you still couldn’t let the small chance of something happening in 14/15 years time Be the determinative reason for not delaying start now if it otherwise felt right: You’ve got to make the decision based on the child in front of you with the information you have - and then hope for the best knowing you made the choice with their best interest in mind and without the power of a crystal ball, that’s all anyone can do!

comments on the size of children are problematic; humans come in all shapes and sizes. If you can get an adult 30 year old woman who is 6ft and another who is 4’9” then the same applies to kids. Stop expecting behaviour and ability to relate to physical size. Stop talking about kids physical shape and size. It’s mindless. How big or small you are should not be what decides your child’s needs or interestS. Come on!

If you feel he's not ready emotionally go with your gut. I felt my dd wasn't socially emotionally ready. Preschool told me she was so I sent her. 5 years later I still regret it. I still feel she's more immature than her peers and wish she was in the year below.

She's very behind and has been diagnosed with other adhd and part of me is certain that she just needed more time to play and be free before starting in that institutional environment. SENCO told us that summer born children are more likely to be diagnosed with behavioural and social issues and I think part of that is forcing them to grow up.
My daughter is away with the fairies most of the time and has zero chance of sitting still for 15 minutes at a time or concentrating on work. If I had deferred she would have been going into year 1 now, instead of year 2 and much better suited 😔

Anyone here deferred and regretted it (not those who know of others in this situation but those who regret it for their own children)?

I was born in summer, and my school had a nursery and reception class. When everyone else in my year in nursery moved up to reception in the September, I stayed in the nursery for at least another term. When I joined the rest of the class it was like I'd been away for ages, so I had to re make friends socially but it was ok.

I was much better off for having started later and not been rushed emotionally, in my opinion. It just meant I missed the first half a year or so of reception class. I still was in the same year group, just didn't start as early as the others. It didn't make any difference to my schooling academically. Or arguably it did: I was very good, and who knows, maybe partly because I'd been allowed to start later.

Says something that it’s hard to find anyone who did give their child the opportunity to start reception at csa and regretted it…..

Makes the ‘I had a friend whose monkey’s uncle delayed reception start and their child is now in jail’ type comments seem rather suss and self motivated 😂

You’d think it would be an even spread of birthdays but interestingly it’s not; The unfair thing for summer borns is that there are also fewer kids born in summer overall than autumn and winter birthdays, look at the stats - it suggests many parents deliberately avoid summer birthdays, although I can’t tell you I had any awareness of the issue myself until it applied to us and certainly wouldn’t have let it affect when we tried to conceive but clearly many do. So, not only would an august born be youngest, they’d be one of the only very young ones as the majority will be older, further compounding the issue.

@Muthaofcats - where does one find those stats for UK by month? I've tried to find via google, but I can't find search terms specific enough

I have one dc who is august born and has autism , we are just going to do part time for the whole reception her instead of deferring as she needs to be in a setting but just not full time. Schools can’t refuse it either as under 5 you can decided if they are full or part time

if you want stats and evidence I recommend listening to the calendar conspiracy on bbc sounds. It came out when I was pregnant with my first, who we deferred!

the evidence also does suggest that starting later in reception year (eg January) or schooling part time is detrimental, as they miss a lot of the social side of it - which is normally where the struggles are anyway.

I was advised my teachers to keep my now 17yo DD in nursery for an extra year and defer her reception place (nursery attached to main school) and I didn't as I was worried she would be bullied for being held back etc. Biggest regret of my life. She left after gcses at 15 and was so obviously emotionally younger than the winter and autumn borns. If I could go back and give her that extra year again I would, I really think it would have changed her school life both socially and academically instead of the constant struggle. However as many have said every child is different and some do absolutely fine

Sorry I'm being lazy and picking your brain - but all things being equal would you defer a May born?

Honestly…I don’t know. My daughter is snd of aug so there was no question for us from before she was even born! And we were lucky to be in a supportive area with great schools who had done it before. But some of our nct cohort went to school and were fine, some went and struggled (and I personally would have deferred them!), others deferred and those of us who deferred are hugely relieved with our choice!.

@Sarahi1234 thanks!