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Identity crisis: How long does it take to get used to being a 'parent'?

190 replies

dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 13:09

Yesterday on Radio 4 they were talking about the causes of post-natal depression. Along with hormonal changes, predisposition to depression and other psychosocial causes they discussed the effect of identity crisis, and it got me thinking.
Five years ago I was single, living alone, had a good job with plenty enough salary for one, a social life, a gym membership and hobbies. I've travelled and been fairly adventurous and lived abroad for a while.
Now i'm married with 2 LO's aged 3.5 and 9 months. We have a house, I've chosen to be a SAHM so money's tight so not much social life outside of the usual mother and toddler meet ups and holiday's are scarce. Our marriage is happy although the kids seem to take up all our time, money and energy and while I'm happy and grateful to have everything we have and don't regret my decisions I've found it hard to figure out who I am anymore.
I wondered if anybody else has found the transition difficult and want to know the best way to deal with this.
Should I just buy a sportscar and get a boob job?

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pedilia · 27/02/2008 13:12

why not

I think the key is keeping a piece of your pre-baby/family/marriage self.

I have had horses since a small child and I still keep them, when I am at the yard I am me, not a wife,mother etc

Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 13:13

I've found the change very difficult to cope with, especially the loss of my independance and earnings.

Now DS2 is sleeping a bit more reliably in the evenings (although not overnight) I have been making more of an effort to go out. It really makes a difference - I am starting to feel like a real person again.

Rolf · 27/02/2008 13:26

I have found the transition difficult too, although I love being a SAHM and realise how privileged I am to be able to make that choice.

Hope to read some marvellous advice on this thread although I have none to offer!

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emmatomATO · 27/02/2008 13:34

All I can add is that things just become so much easier as your children grow.

Yours are still so very young dragonbutter and therefore so dependent on you.

In just a few years even, when they are at school say, the ability to easily go back to your hobbies, gym, socialising etc. will make you feel more of a person and not just a mum.

And also, the time between now and when they are so much more independent really will fly by.

This is just another stage in your life - one of the most knackering, hardest stages - the next stage will be lovely - you will still have your lovely children but a lot more 'freedom' to do your own things.

Original poster
dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 13:40

Thanks emmatomato, that's really lovely. Feeling very emotional reading that. It's so nice to hear that it gets better as the children get older.

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Monkeybird · 27/02/2008 13:41

Till you die?! Sorry, gallows humour not much help when you're feeling low...

..So seriously, I found it hard too (are you weaning from BF perhaps - I found at 7-9 months with previous bubs that I got quite low and always wondered if it was hormonal changes...) but even if you've never BF, it's bloody hard work giving up bits of yourself for others and you are quite entitled to wonder who you are.

You defo need some time or activity for yourself - I'm looking forward to a bit more of that when weaning DS3 gets underway. And I know this is a bit gallows-ish also but it might help to remember how short a time they are little and you won't have little pudgy arms coming for a hug or smashing you in the face and demanding biscuits for your whole life. Then you'll be able to go to galleries, the cinema, drink wine till the early hours and afford a sports car, but god, you'll miss the squashy, snotty fingers in your hand... And I'm being kind with this comment, not telling you to pull yourself together

morningpaper · 27/02/2008 13:46

I find part-time working resolves this for me

Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 13:52

No-one will give me a job with the money I need to cover the nursery fees AND that suits the days/times that I would like to work...in fact, so far (I have only applied for a couple of jobs) no-one will even interview me.

Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 13:53

Maybe they can sense from my application that I would rather stay at home after all

morningpaper · 27/02/2008 13:55

hehe well you can stay at home if you are happy doing it

Don't forget that your over-3 will have large subsidies for nursery

Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 14:00

I am happy at home, but do yearn for the adult contact I'd get at work some days...and of course I love to have a lunch break some days.

morningpaper · 27/02/2008 14:05

What about a coffee and a biscuit that you can eat without someone knocking it all over you?

and clean clothes ALL DAY

and SILENCE

and no clearing up

and MEN

It's bliss IMO

Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 14:08

Oh stop it MP! Although I can't recall ever managing to keep my clothes clean for a whole day even before having children

Original poster
dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 14:10

Thanks Monkeybird. I stopped bf when he was 6 months. I am exhausted from the mundanity of the constant biscuit requests and relentless nappy changing and meal after meal after meal. (And admittidly I am having a bad day which i think began overnight when baby decided to scream half the night and sleep the rest in our bed)
And I can see that they will be less dependant as they get older (with any luck).
DS1 began nursery in the mornings after christmas which has really helped and I joined the gym and go 2-3 times a week while DS2 goes to the creche and that's been really great too.
I've also learned alot since my first child about the social side of being a mum to young kids and now am fairly choosy about who i spend my time with and now have a nice few friends i can catch up with.
DH took the kids away for the weekend to see friends a few weeks ago and it was really great too.
I really just miss alot of things like time/money/energy but there doesn't seem to be a solution to that, but you're right they'll be grumpy teenagers, sleeping in and avoiding me at all costs before i know it.

OP posts:
emmatomATO · 27/02/2008 14:12

Sorry that you're feeling so emotional about this dragonbutter. I didn't realise.

Further reassurance (and you can never have enough I reckon!) - that adult company you sometimes crave - that will come from other sources. I have a better social life now than I've ever had as, whilst I was working my friends were all at work and I was never at home enough to know anyone here.

Now, through toddler groups when mine were very young to school gates, I made loads of acquaintances and then narrowed it down to a handful of good, close friends. When the kids are at school we do the coffee, and going out bits and also meet up with the kids during school holidays etc.

There is absolutely nothing about work that I now miss. And on a day when I've got nothing planned and the kids are at school I love to just be a home bird and enjoy this blimmin nice house I live in but knowing that at 3.30 or so it will be filled with some lovely people.

It really, really does get so much better.

foxythesnowman · 27/02/2008 14:21

Dragonbutter, you are doing all the right things I think, but it takes time. For me, I decided to stop fighting it (i.e. any notion of the 'me' before children) and just be the children's mum for now. The advantage I had was that I didn't want to still be that person BC, so perhaps we are different in that respect.

So, I did alot of networking, got to know many other mums, put a good deal of effort into my friendships. I now have a core of really good friends who are my support and sanity. My social life is in the day, when they come for lunch, children play, we can talk. Nice food, good company - just in the day.

I've bought into the whole thing, it includes most of the responsibiity for the house (and DP). But I am in charge of it and by taking control it has helped me.

I've been at it 6 years, and 4DCs later, I still can't quite believe that I'm a Mum, but then I'll probably never quite believe I'm a grown-up either.

Original poster
dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 14:37

Ok, chin up, dig in, hang in there, is that the general concensus?
I generally cope well with it all but today is a bit of a blip i think.
Thanks everyone, i'm off to sit on the naughty step for 30 minutes for being so self-pitying.

OP posts:
Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 14:42

DB - I have days like yours. In fact just last week I was feeling so low it prompted me to call a friend to arrange a night out and I applied for a job (that I'm not sure I'd really want)

It just feels so relentless sometimes doesn't it, especially when you don't even get a good nights sleep.

Original poster
dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 14:44

I'm going to go and do some hoovering, the least I can do is be good at this job even if i'm not always enjoying it.
See you around Washersaurus.

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dontwanttogetoutofbed · 27/02/2008 14:45

any way you can find time to work? if you do something yourself (on a regular basis rather than a one-off boob job) you will see that 'you' are still in there.

Original poster
dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 14:54

I'm working on a arty project for an exhibition and I really enjoy it but it's sat staring at me since the weekend and I haven't been able to work on it in the evenings this week because i've been too busy/tired. It pisses me off that I can't just get on with it. It's creative so I feel it's therapeutic and the real me (the creative and fun) side comes out as opposed to the other me (the totally bored side).
It all feels like hard work though, since christmas I've made an effort to do more 'me' type things like my art and exercising, but it's really tiring me out and now i feel emotional and weepy.
To find time to work feels like even more effort and pressure that i'm scared to put on myself for fear of total exhaustion.

OP posts:
Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 14:57

I have a sewing project (ongoing) that I just haven't had the energy to finish in the evenings as have been so exhausted. It makes me sad as I find sewing really enjoyable and relaxing.#

Tis a catch 22 situation

Original poster
dragonbutter · 27/02/2008 15:09

Exactly.
I have a sewing machine that's never been out of it's box. I had visions of making kids costumes but the kids will be 30 before i've got the time to learn how to sew. aaargh.

OP posts:
Washersaurus · 27/02/2008 15:28

Well I always make clothes for them a size bigger to take into account the time it takes me to make them, but maybe I should consider starting on adult size clothes patterns

warthog · 27/02/2008 15:57

i sooo feel like you, dragonbutter.

i was listening to that programme in the car yesterday with tears rolling down my cheeks.

i have really black days when i just sooo miss my old life.

this thread has cheered me up