Identity crisis: How long does it take to get used to being a 'parent'?

[dragonbutter]

Yesterday on Radio 4 they were talking about the causes of post-natal depression. Along with hormonal changes, predisposition to depression and other psychosocial causes they discussed the effect of identity crisis, and it got me thinking.
Five years ago I was single, living alone, had a good job with plenty enough salary for one, a social life, a gym membership and hobbies. I've travelled and been fairly adventurous and lived abroad for a while.
Now i'm married with 2 LO's aged 3.5 and 9 months. We have a house, I've chosen to be a SAHM so money's tight so not much social life outside of the usual mother and toddler meet ups and holiday's are scarce. Our marriage is happy although the kids seem to take up all our time, money and energy and while I'm happy and grateful to have everything we have and don't regret my decisions I've found it hard to figure out who I am anymore.
I wondered if anybody else has found the transition difficult and want to know the best way to deal with this.
Should I just buy a sportscar and get a boob job?

I've been trying a new approach. I'm now reminding myself that actually my previously life really wasn't as great as I seem to remember it being.

Examples:
I remember: How lovely and easy it was only having to cook for myself
The reality: I never bothered doing anything exciting just for me and often just had super noodles or some other crap.

I remember: Backpacking in Bolivia
The reality: I got flu, got left behind in a shabby bedsit all alone while everyone else was being adventurous.

That sort of thing. Trying to get some perspective.

yes, i try that dragonbutter, but end up thinking 'dammit, i want potnoodle rather that this shit cauliflower stuff'.

I know, that was actually the only two things i could think of and now i feel a bit worse.

I'm in a very similar position to you, dragonbutter. I also try to remind myself regularly that I wasn't walking around with a great big smile on my face when I was 'young, free and single'. I miss the freedom more than anything else, but isn't that always the conflict in any family person's life- freedom versus security...? I wouldn't want to be single and childless forever, yet motherhood is harder than I thought it would be and I do get bored by it all sometimes....

hi mrsmattie, i just figured out where we've crossed paths before. it was the 'it's not fucking glastonbury' thread. I started it under my old name 'platesmasher'.
bob marley in the wicker blinds eh?

sorry

quick, someone come along and tell us it gets better again.

PMSL!!!!@dragonbutter. You see, single life wasn't all great. There were the hallucinations!

I'm just glad that I didn't listen to that radio programme (was probably too busy cleaning up vomit or something).

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Pruners, I am reaching a stage where it is getting a bit easier (DS is 3 - a bloody handful, but even with the tantrums, I find it easier than the 'baby phase'). The thing is, we have been ttc no.2 for a while, and I am so torn between desperately wanting more than one child - a sibling for DS, a 'proper' family - and loving every extra minute of freedom I get as DS gets older. Tricky, tricky, tricky.

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Feeling your pain Dragonbutter! Ds is 15 months and the Six Nations is just not the same on the telly at home. Luckily ds finds rugby quite entertaining, but with Wales doing so well I SHOULD BE IN THE PUB, IT'S NOT FAIR (sorry for shouting).

I miss...
...crawling back to bed on a Saturday morning
...starting another bottle of wine because we're having such a good time and won't be woken at 5.30am
...not having to cook tea if I don't feel like it.
...using my passport more than once every 3 years.

I don't miss...
...hangovers
...full time work and the assumption that I can work silly hours because I have no responsibilities
...the broodiness

Ahh, 'tis human nature that we yearn for what we don't have.

hi,
I'm SaHM of 3 and it can be tough, no doubt you are suffering from lack of sleep, I know that feeling well. The one thing I did keep was a gym membership, as my DH is away alot and it was my saviour, not that I do much exercise I have been known on many occasion to use the creche and then sit and have a coffee and a chat in peace or have a shower in peace. If I did manage to exercise I did feel much better after! It does get better but you quickly fill your time with other things.best wishes

Hi

Just wanted to say that you have my full sympathies and I just wish I knew the answer. I have two DC's (4 and 20 mths) and I struggle daily with the exhausition and the whole responsibility of being a mum. I would love to go off and do something exciting - what, I dont know but I yearn to escape some days. I have tried being a SAHM for 18 mths but found it very difficult so have returned to work which is better but now I feel guilty and tired. I want 'this stage' to get better but I also don't want this stage to end as I think I will regret not enjoying them! So I can't really win and I wonder if we all put this pressure on ourselves.

I find little things help, like getting out with the DC's as much as possible and booking hte odd treat for myself. I miss though just being in the house by myself being able to potter without the constant demands for food, to wipe bottoms and to sort out squabbles.

Hang on in there! x

Me again. Thanks for all your comments.
I did feel I got 'used to being a parent' when DS1 was about 2. I had gotten fit again and felt like I'd got it all under control with just the one 2 year old to look after. Now that DS2 has come along it kind of feels like i'm back to square one. It was around the 9 months mark that I decided to go back to work for a bit of a break but it was a total disaster (didn't like leaving DS, big commute, long hours) and wound up really really down and feeling like a failure. So i definitely don't want to make the same mistake twice IYSWIM.
But, yes, it did all get better as he got older and of course that means it'll get easier with DS2.
I have a few coping strategies:
*2-3 creche sessions for baby while toddler at nursery so i can exercise
*entered a 10k run so have a goal
*entered an exhibition for my mosaics, another goal
*have booked tickets for some comedy gigs locally
*have exchanged all my tesco vouchers for restaurant vouchers so we can go out and order steak
*have organised a girly childless shopping trip with a friend

So, trying to be very proactive about it.
Doesn't stop me from being so tired though.

MrsMattie - you're right, my worst experience was actually at glastonbury where i saw several of my future husbands face swirling round like a kaleidoscope. So glad that's not a part of life now, but it was fun while I was a youngie with no responsibilities.

you're quite right. you're coping really well. i think it will get easier. definitely when they're both in school!

Hi Dragonbutter - I can't tell you how much I relate to you. My children are 2 (just) and 5 months. This is part of an email I sent my mum yesterday:
Still haven't sent children's Christmas thank-you cards because I am sinking in the quicksand of Things To Do. Have lost my identity in there too. But, don't worry, I am trying to eat my way out... only that's making me heavier, and therefore sink quicker. Today I spreaded (sprad? sprud?) Nutella on my apple.
Lovely babies, though (I keep telling myself wearily).
See? I can't even remember the past tense of spread? AND I am (was) a fucking writer by profession for God's sake! And when I say 'Things To Do' I mean boring boring stuff like cleaning the kitchen floor, decorating entire house (it's getting me down), cleaning bathroom...
My main issue is self image. It's always been a bit shakey, but I was good at clothes - always wearing interesting things that I felt defined me. Now I'm a size 16 (and 6ft tall - think Russian shot-putter with a beer belly). My size 12 clothes clearly don't fit me, and I can't face shopping so I wear utter crap. The baby sick completes the useless-scarecrow-covered in bird droppings look.
Keeping in close contact with old school friends who don't have children keeps me sane.
When I'm having a bad day, I imagine myself sat at my old desk in my last job and that invariably makes me feel better.
Also, I look at my parents. They're in their mid-fifties and having a fantastic time. This intensely exhausting period doesn't last long in the big scheme of things.

Hi Phlossie, This is like a support group for those who don't know who they are anymore. I like it.
I hear you on the clothes thing. I wish I was 6ft but alas no, size 16 and only 5'2". Boo hoo. It's been so long now since i was able to fit in my size 12s that I gave them all away. Good news is that I've lost 3/4 of a stone since christmas. Bad news is that I can't afford a new wardrobe especially as I hope to lose more weight and now I have to keep pulling my jeans up to stop them falling around my ankles.
I bought a cheapish bracelet the other week to treat myself. DH would never be brave enough to chose something for me and doesn't understand that sort of thing. It's nice to have something pretty amongst this house of testosterone.
This is the first week that my toddler hasn't had afternoon sleeps so might be why i've felt so drained. Thankfully today they both slept for a while this afternoon. Guess what I chose to do......filing!!!
FFS!
Have decided to initiate a filing system for this household. so sick of piles and piles of paperwork hanging around.
Pathetically boring isn't it?

Can I dive into the pity party too? My boys are 2 and 4 now. I have long since stopped feeling sorry for the loss of my former self. When Fridays used to roll around, it felt so wrong that we were just sitting at home and not going out anywhere.

These days I have to muster the motivation to go out. And that's what kills me. It's as though I've resigned myself to this groundhog day life instead of trying to find my old self. I feel old. I feel why would I want to go out to a restaurant and have to get dressed up when I could just stay at home and watch TV and wear slobby clothes. How sad is that?

I did manage to hang onto a shread of my mind by running my own business from home for the last 2 years but that hasn't helped my isolation or the need to ever get dressed up.

In the last few weeks I've realised just how dowdy I've become and it's got to change. I've attempted two gym classes and have invited some other mums out for a girls night out. I've arranged for us to go away for the easter weekend. And this weekend I'm shopping for new clothes.

Hang in there ladies. I am going to dig my former self out of this pile of frumpy clothes.

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Yes. I'm in too. This is just a short answer to remind me to come back to this and say something properly, when I don't have a small child hanging round my ankles.

But on the really lousy afternoons (for which you can pick pretty much any this week, as dd is cutting molars and I am so tired I can hardly think) I just try and remember how bored I was in the office sometimes and how long the afternoons were there too. (And this was a good job, in the media, the kind of job other people covet).

Back later. But I think more art (or for me, writing) is the answer, Just not in the evenings, though.

Oh dragonbutter - are you me?

My dd is 8.5 months and I think I am staving off PND only by sheer determination! I am climbing the walls, feeling very creatively understimulated, and while I love my DD dearly I find myself yearning for some time to myself (in fact that includes getting rid of DH for a while too!). I find myself thinking, "if I lived on my own..." I wonder if I could moved out for a while and leave them both to it...? But then I remember just how much I love snuggling up to them in the mornings etc. so I need to find other ways of becoming my own person again.

I am going back to work in a month, part-time, so I think that will make or break me. I will be watching this thread with interest anyway.

Hello everyone, I think I definitely lost it, kind of thought I literally wasn't real afterdd was born. I adores her but hated my life in those first few months.

I used to wonder where's me the nurse gone who used to see her mates, do a late shift then go straight to the pub, city breaks with dh, live in town (instead of in this lovely but very "safe" suburb) go to gigs etc. etc. I remember going to the first ever Manchester v cancer gig when I was 8wks preg and having an orange juice to drink. I didn't want anyone to know but OBVIOUSLY my frinds guessed immediately, I'd never go to a gig and not drink. They all congratulated me, The Smiths and New Order played and I cried my eyes out!!!

Now I work 4 days a week but desperately miss dd, love my one day off with her but if I did it all the time would I love it so much? Has taken me 18m to feel like me again and actually enjoy being a Mum.

Before that I was mourning, in a big way. I tell you what tho, I can live without the hangovers but I miss the cash I used to earn big time, I miss buying jeans from Selridges, going out for meals whereever we want ( rather than the cheapest curry place), buying designer make-up ( now on Boots 17!).

Dragonbutter- I'm interested to know what you have learnt about the social side of being a mum with young kids... I'm finding it quite hard to make real new friendships with other mums (other than baby related chat at singing group etc), as none of my old friends have children yet. What are your tips?

It is hard to adjust. Infact I am just begining to do things for me like go to the gym (when I can scrape the pennies together). My 3 DCs are 8, 6 and 3.5. I found the financial dependancy on DH took years to get used to. Having to ask for money did not come naturally.

I think you just get on with it and the children take all the time and energy. Once they get older it becomes easier to do other things. like meet up with friends that are not friends just because they have children.

I hope you start to feel better and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.