Identity crisis: How long does it take to get used to being a 'parent'?

[dragonbutter]

Yesterday on Radio 4 they were talking about the causes of post-natal depression. Along with hormonal changes, predisposition to depression and other psychosocial causes they discussed the effect of identity crisis, and it got me thinking.
Five years ago I was single, living alone, had a good job with plenty enough salary for one, a social life, a gym membership and hobbies. I've travelled and been fairly adventurous and lived abroad for a while.
Now i'm married with 2 LO's aged 3.5 and 9 months. We have a house, I've chosen to be a SAHM so money's tight so not much social life outside of the usual mother and toddler meet ups and holiday's are scarce. Our marriage is happy although the kids seem to take up all our time, money and energy and while I'm happy and grateful to have everything we have and don't regret my decisions I've found it hard to figure out who I am anymore.
I wondered if anybody else has found the transition difficult and want to know the best way to deal with this.
Should I just buy a sportscar and get a boob job?

I went to a crime fiction reading group for a while years ago but it fizzled out after the shop where it had started closed.

There is a mumsnet reading group - I haven't really looked at what the discussions were like as a lot of them are on books I'd love to have a chance to read first!

Another great place for book discussions though is on yahoogroups. There are book discussion groups for all tastes - and I haven't been very active in mine for a while, even before I got pregnant, but I've made some good friends all over the world with people who I would have been unlikely to meet other than online. I particularly like 4 Mystery Addicts and britshmysteries for crime fiction talk, and there are some people who always sound fascinating on 19thCenturyFiction and BookerPrize.

My book arrived this morning. Have decided to make some time to read this evening.
Other than that I am in a foul mood after DH deleted everything from my Itunes.
Grrrrrrrrr. Looks like he'll be very busy this evening uploading my CD collection again.

Ooh, that's wicked of him dragonbutter! Was your itunes stuff just on the computer? I never did finish putting my CDs back after the computer hard drive crashed in June 2006 - I got back to artists beginning with M and some newer ones later in the alphabet and then I discovered I was pregnant in September. Though I was able to restore some of my stuff using software which would take stuff from the ipod on to the computer. Then the ipod crashed irretrievably in October.

We found the files still on the computer thankfully and with a fair amount of confusion managed to transfer them back into the right file (I made him do each album individually). He insists it was an accident but what a coincidence that this should happen this morning, when just last night he was saying how much memory my itunes was taking up!!
I am still in a bad mood though. Is it possible that being in a bad mood about something all day can alter you chemically so even if the problem is solved you can't snap out of it for much longer?

Hi, I just wanted to let you know how helpful the book that scattyspice recommended is. Can some mother help me? by Jenna Bailey.
I am absolutely hooked. It's really helped to realise that being a mum is an identity in itself. I love reading about these woman who lived in a completely different time also have the same issues and worries and i do in this time.
It's also helped me feel less guilty about my interest in mumsnet. We need this communication, we're lucky we live in a time where the internet is available to us at home.
If this thread has struck a chord with you then you absolutely have to read this book too.
Thanks Scattyspice!

Haven't read the whole thread yet but I'm at home with 8 week old dd and I hate it. I hate being on my own every day. Even today, Sunday, I was sat in by myself because DH, my parents etc were all off somewhere not suitable for babies. And oh goody tomorrow is Monday so I get to be stuck here by myself for another 5 days. I miss my job, independence and my life. Please someone tell me it gets better.

Just go back and read page`1 Sarah and take some reassurance from some of the comments there.

Your 8 week old will soon be an 8 month old and before you can catch breath - an 8 year old. It really does pass so very quickly and does get a lot easier and a lot more fun.

I'm a good place at the moment (mine are 5mo and 2yo). The littlest one can sit now, and she's turning into a very good natured little person. The last couple of weekends have even been, dare I say it, fun. And for the first time since she was born, I haven't got that Sunday evening dread about the week ahead! Yeay for me!
DB - something I've been meaning to say for the duration of this thread and you've just reminded me about is that I worked out early on with my first child that I was never going to get my 'old' life back. Rather than depress me, it made me stop yearning for the way things were (apart from still wanting lie-ins and my 25yo size 12 body - especially the boobs).
We refer to our family as 'the team'. Only they're not team players...

Another good book for those with small babies is 'The Best Friends Guide to the First Year' by Vicki Iovine. V funny.

And hi to Jeremy in Germany My friend's partner will be a SAHD from September. I'm planning on taking him under my wing! I'm glad you've managed to find friends - I can't imagine how difficult it is in another country...

I think everyone feels like this when children are small. My boys are nearly 8 and nearly 4 and it took me (and more so my DH) years to get used to being a parent.

My tips, for what they're worth:

• Try not to lose all of your identity. It will be a real effort to get it together for a night out but make sure you do it every so often. Slap on make up, get dressed up and forget you have kids for two or three hours.

• Keep on working if you can and you enjoy it. Part time is great if you can swing it - it's stressful (usually find you're doing the same amount of work for half the pay) but gives you that 'other' identity where you're not X or Y's mum.

-If other mums make you feel inadequate, deliberately or otherwise, then just cast yourself adrift from them. I had a post-natal friend was always waxing lyrical about how we should all breast feed for ever, not go back to work, be completely organic, be completely pollyanna.... and how fantastic motherhood was and who could ask for more (and if we did we were just being selfish) - but she had a husband who'd just sold his business and they had enough money to last them the rest of their lives without trying too hard. There was no way anyone else could compete and she was completely patronising to assume that we could and would want to. The day I decided not to consciously make an effort to visit her again was the day I felt a weight drop from my shoulders (it did help that she moved 50 miles away!)

• Throw away any parenting manual you have

• Don't go to mum and toddler groups if you hate them (I did, but convinced myself it was best for my kids. They hated them too)

• If you find a likeminded mum friend, nurture her

• Try and have occasional weekends away as a couple, or girly weekends with old friends whenever the opportunity presents itself.

• Don't play childrens' tapes/CDs on the car stereo. They're just as happy with Amy Winehouse or the Rolling Stones or whoever, and don't normally understand the lyrics till they're 5 or 6.

Sarahjct, I've just seen your post from Sunday and felt terrible for you. I've just gone back to work after 11 months off, 10 months since ds was born. I haven't hated it, it's the best thing I've done but there have been lots of times where it felt very very hard.

I was terribly upset by failing to breastfeed and by ds being taken back into hospital for 8 days, I stayed with him and was made to feel really lacking in the ability to parent, it took days to get out even when he was clearly medically recovered - and actually did improve much faster once we all finally got home together.

What helped was getting out to lots of parent and baby groups and other activities, and also doing some things I did in my old life, though not all - we did take him on a very expensive US holiday involving a crime fiction convention, multiple destinations and flights etc. The best bits was seeing him with friends who were obviously thrilled to meet him, and a music festival.

Actually, that's a thought - outdoor music festivals of whatever sort of music you enjoy are a great place to go with a baby. It will be different from life before but there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to enjoy the music.

I'm going to break this post here and continue in a further one.

If there's something you would enjoy without dd, perhaps you need to insist that dh takes a turn at looking after her so you can go out. Or someone else.

One thing is, that at your dd's age, you can probably take her to more places more easily than you can when she's 10 months. We took ds out for a couple of meals where when he needed to he could just sleep in the pram. Can't really do that now - he does have a more regular bedtime but someone needs to be in with him.

Bump
How's everybody doing?
I've spent most of the week craving some 'me' time and my old life but had a lovely day in the woods with the kids today and thought 'this is great!'

i had a moment in the car last week where i just that 'can I really go on living this life?' It's not the parenting but the changes we have made to accommodate. It's hard to believe I walked willingly into this middle-class suburban life. I would never have believed it. Just that odd flash where I wonder 'are we doing this all wrong?'. I guess I'll only be able to answer that in about 20 years - and maybe not even then.

I know exactly what you mean. I feel really burdened by all this 'stuff' that is filling our house and even the house itself. I wish we could just get rid of it all and live a much simpler life.
I'm not sure if resigning to this life and not torturing myself of what life could have been like is giving up, or just sensible for the time being.

Hi there, just to say that, while this is a wonderful, informative thread, it doesn't really fulfill our Mumsnet Classic criteria... essentially, nominated threads have to either have us laughing in the aisles or be particularly poignant. If you take a look at the current Classic residents, you'll see what I mean.