Identity crisis: How long does it take to get used to being a 'parent'?

[dragonbutter]

Yesterday on Radio 4 they were talking about the causes of post-natal depression. Along with hormonal changes, predisposition to depression and other psychosocial causes they discussed the effect of identity crisis, and it got me thinking.
Five years ago I was single, living alone, had a good job with plenty enough salary for one, a social life, a gym membership and hobbies. I've travelled and been fairly adventurous and lived abroad for a while.
Now i'm married with 2 LO's aged 3.5 and 9 months. We have a house, I've chosen to be a SAHM so money's tight so not much social life outside of the usual mother and toddler meet ups and holiday's are scarce. Our marriage is happy although the kids seem to take up all our time, money and energy and while I'm happy and grateful to have everything we have and don't regret my decisions I've found it hard to figure out who I am anymore.
I wondered if anybody else has found the transition difficult and want to know the best way to deal with this.
Should I just buy a sportscar and get a boob job?

Hooray for monkeybird and hooray for mascara!

My history - DS is nearly 4 months old, and I'm still on maternity leave. Planning to return to work part time when he's about 8 months old.
I found it such a shock to the system to be left alone in the house with DS when DP went back to work. Hormones, tiredness, never-ending breastfeeding etc made me a wreck, and I was on the verge of tears a lot of the time. I remember bursting into combined tears & laughter in front of the HV and declaring that she must think I was suffering from PND, and having visions of being carted off to a psychiatric hospital.

I forced myself to go out for a walk with DS in the pram each day, come rain or shine; and then made myself go to a mother-and-baby group. Best thing I did. Found that it's normal to feel like I did; that breastfeeding isn't always like the pictures of happy mothers & babies portrayed on the info leaflets; that it's ok to sometimes wonder 'have I done the right thing?'

It's got easier now that DS is getting older. After about 10 weeks I gradually reduced breastfeeding & introduced formula. I'm sure some people will slate me for that (and I beat myself up over it at the time, too), but I feel it was the right decision at the time, and DS is doing well. He's at an age now where he's fun to be with, we've got a nice little routine going, and I'm enjoying being a mother more now.

We still go out each day - sometimes walking for hours on end, sometimes just short trips to the local shops - and I think that's what's kept me sane. DS isn't keen on napping during the day when we stay at home, and it can make for a very long day. However, he will always doze off in the pushchair when we go out, which gives me a bit of peace & quiet, as well as some fresh air.
I'm kind of dreading returning to work in July now, and dream of winning the lottery so I can give up work altogether

My teaching post was Head of Dept so was full -time. I did request part-time but my head both told me and wrote saying that due to the nature of the post he could not honour my reqest.

I was was offered normal part-time teaching in the classroom which I was thinking about taking, although it would barely have covered my childcare costs. However, I fell pregnant again when my DD was 7 months so decided reluctantly to give up. Plus, I suffered dreadful morning sickness from my first child and was signed off sick twice by my doctor and didn't want to let my school down again. I may go back part-time once all mine are in school.

I make sure that I have an hour off each evening to myself and my husband takes the children on Saturday afternoons so I can go out for break. As I live in London, I sometimes go up to town for a break or just localy for a cofee or light lunch etc. I'm lucky, my DH is very good but I think I deserve some time out. If I didn't get a break , I'd go stark, raving bonkers. We have a agreement that he can out Sat nights and I go out during the afternoon. Sunday is family day. This arrangement works for us.

I agree with Monkeybird's suggestion - start small with achievable goals to make your self happy.
DP has taken DS to see his granny so I can have a few hours to myself. I've just been to the gym for an hour, and had my eyebrows waxed.
Planning on spending the rest of my free afternoon on Mumsnet. Was going to do the ironing, but it can rot!

Also hooray for:

Wine
Spanx pants
push up bras (oh yes, miss my old boobs - I keep my 'going out' boobs in a sock drawer now)
This thread!
Did I mention wine?

Honeydew- I do that thing of looking in the mirror and thinking - who the hell is that? Looks a bit like me, but a much older version of me. When did that happen?

Very therapeutic thread this. Am actually laughing a little ("tethered by the tit"!) rather than feeling as though I have confessed to some awful dark secret and am about to be drummed out of the sisterhood for not being completely in contol and fulfilled!

Things That Don't Exist (apparently):

PND

The Hamster Wheel of Motherhood

Hairy Legs (cos shaving them in the shower is downright dangerous and I have not had time for a bath soak since the stitches were healing...)

So Dragonbutter - if you go for the boob job and Report Back - I'll try out the lipo...

I would second going out for a walk every single day when they're small keeps you sane, and they like it too. dd was born in Sept so we went out in all sorts of conditions. But never once did I stay in all day.

eaglebird really pleased your Mum and baby group was re-assuring and supportive it makes a refreshing change to hear that. Unfortunately my experience and i think for some others on this thread was that it was quite the opposite. You literally got shunned at ours if you were at all flaky or admitted you weren't coping. It makes me quite now to think about how I, and no doubt others were treated by the coven of witches at these groups. Harsh but true I'm afraid.

On a more positive note tho I'm really pleased some do serve the purpose they're supposed to!

Very spooky Dragonbutter I've been walking around last two days thinking the exact same thoughts, even blubbed to my DH on the phone about it an hour ago...can't find any Mums I click with, have nothing left of my old fun self..got no friends to pop in on..bored out of my brains with Mum and Toddlers Groups, can't get a single thing done, feel like I'm wading through treacle trying to get some self employed work done and artwork but too many dull Mummy things sucking up all my time. Ds is 2, DH and I moved to SW London when he was 4 months old so trying to fit into a new place and not loving it one bit. Wonder if you live round here.. I think I'd burst into tears too if I met a Mum I clicked with, feeling so mopey and sad.

I reckon you need a seperate bank account for your nice things. I did have, and had £2K saved up of my own earnings to spend on clothes, make-up etc for me... but I lost my debit card for our joint account, took FOUR months to organise a replacement (because) and ended up spending all my lovely money on weekly shops. My husband says we can pay me back... yeah, right. With what?
Floppytulip - I have made two new mummy friends who I genuinely love, but I see the rest as the equivalent of work colleagues. It's taken a while - we did antenatal classes together before our dss were born (they're now 2). I'd say persist with talking with them, even if you don't feel like it, and you may meet one or two who you hit it off with. Luckily, I live 30 miles from my home town - as do a few of my closest friends from school, my sis and one of my cousins. They are my saviours.
I don't miss big nights out at all, but I do miss meals out, and, most of all, a roast, a pint and a couple of hours playing pool and reading the papers with a bunch of friends in our local pub on a Sunday afternoon.

Yes, hooray for wine, I'll second that.

And hard-drive-digital-TV-box-thingies that let you record telly programmes then watch them later. Best hundred quid I've ever spent.

And hooray for chocolate too.

Going off at a tangent here, but does anyone's fanny look the same as it did before they had kids??
Mine looks like someone else's fanny - not sure whose though. I needed an episiotomy & stitches, so wasn't expecting it to look exactly the same as before, but it looks totally different.
I kept getting the midwife to inspect it each time she visited (poor woman, she must have been sick of the sight of it) as I was convinced it hadn't been stitched back up properly, or that the stitches had come apart, but she assured me it was healing ok & was perfectly normal, and that she'd seen far worse fannies than mine, but not to bother applying for any jobs as a porn star .

I also got my GP to check it at my 6-week post-natal check, and she confirmed it had healed ok.
I suspect I was just being naive in expecting it to look the same as before.

Unfortunately we don't live anywhere near London. I've also come to understand that I would need to live somewhere interesting to meet more interesting people. But...living out in boringland means we can afford for me to be off work.
I'm really pleased to have discovered mumsnet as there's a much broader cross-section here than i'm likely to meet in my local area.
I'm sure the trick is to somehow keep getting out there to meet people. All the interesting people must be out doing something interesting, so we have to somehow find a way to join in.
I joined an evening class a while back and it was lovely to meet other people of all ages, not just new-mum exhausted types.
(sounds silly saying that when that's what I am)

elffriend - you made me laugh so much. I love that you keep your going out boobs in your draw! I LOVE my Spanx (find the open crotch a bit intimidating - haven't tried to pee through it yet. Have you?)
Ah, Peasoup. Hope you find someone where you live to be a kindred spirit.
I have one awful awful confession to make, that even though I'm anonymous I struggle to admit... the last time I had sex was to induce labour! DH says he's too tired and I say that I'm too fat. Now that's sad.

in that case phlossie you also need to embrace the 'hooray for lights off and baby doll nighties' moment (NOW I understand while older ladies used to buy those things...

Eaglebird - that's another reason for the lack of action... mine's like the flipping channel tunnel. First time round, I had labial grazes and it over-healed - I had to have a procedure to open me up - literally my two inner-labs grew together. I also had a bit of over-healing at the bottom of the opening, which made me tighter. (bit too tight). But dd's big old head tore me again, and now... like I said, channel tunnel. I'm a bit worried dh will turn his nose up. (though after 5 months he prob won't care).

Thank God for annonymity.

I've found my world has shruk somewhat and I'm getting involved in little things that would have passed me by before.

the shop accorss the road has been re-painted blue on the exterior, it used to be green, I preferred it green and got annoyed that when I looked out of the window and thought the blue didn't suit!!!!

I have to remind myself to have a word with myself when I start thinking like this....

thank god i had caesarians.
got enough to deal with, with this identity crisis without having somebody elses fanny too!

I don't know where is "interesting"!! round here certainly isn't. My old bit of London was more intersting but maybe it's the grass is always greener. Living in the North of Engand wasn't interesting but was a hell of a lot more friendlier! Living abroad wad interesting but ex pats were a little bit cliquey and not totally frendly. Almost approached what looked like a kindred spirit in Sainsbuys today- same hairstyle as me, same specs as me, singing like a nutter to her ds sat in the shopping trolley...if I wasn't in London I might have said hello, but in London you're not allowed to say hello .

The places these threads get to....not sure I would pick out my fanny in an identity parade - but then I never paid that much close attention to it before either. I have a view that if you need a mirror and flashlight to see parts of yourself then they were probably hidden for a reason...

Yep - I have peed through the Spanx pants- once they're on they're damn well staying on. You do have to manoevre the hole though, so you end up in an intersting squat position. But then I am a veteran of peeing in all sorts of outdoorsy places and whilst avoiding fire ants, roaming hippos and the like so is easy peasy! (see, I did have an interesting life once - who mentioned life skills?!)

Yes, I was avoiding the fanny issue as my DS came out the sun roof so i have no issues with my fanny after the birth

ok, somebody tell me what spanx pants are before i lose track of the conversation. why would you need to be able to pee through your pants?

because they're welded on to hold it all in!

Peasoup, next time bite the bullet and say hello! If you transported yourself 200 miles north to Manchester that could've been me! I walk down the extremely posh road to dds nursery singing my head off to her!

Manchesters not that friendly either, people round here cold and abrupt, well I liked it prior dd but now feel as if I don't fit in. (dd too young to take to live musical events!). Went to Durham for the first time last weekened and was struck by how warm and friendly all the locals were.

i found with hold it in pants that the rolls just got pushed up and gave one big roll sitting above the pants. are spanx better than this and where do you get them?
presumable they're not for everyday and for special nights out?

outrageous slur on EXTREMELY friendly Mancunians... [grin}

or even