Identity crisis: How long does it take to get used to being a 'parent'?

[dragonbutter]

Yesterday on Radio 4 they were talking about the causes of post-natal depression. Along with hormonal changes, predisposition to depression and other psychosocial causes they discussed the effect of identity crisis, and it got me thinking.
Five years ago I was single, living alone, had a good job with plenty enough salary for one, a social life, a gym membership and hobbies. I've travelled and been fairly adventurous and lived abroad for a while.
Now i'm married with 2 LO's aged 3.5 and 9 months. We have a house, I've chosen to be a SAHM so money's tight so not much social life outside of the usual mother and toddler meet ups and holiday's are scarce. Our marriage is happy although the kids seem to take up all our time, money and energy and while I'm happy and grateful to have everything we have and don't regret my decisions I've found it hard to figure out who I am anymore.
I wondered if anybody else has found the transition difficult and want to know the best way to deal with this.
Should I just buy a sportscar and get a boob job?

THis is a wonderful wonderful thread. It should be published somewhere.

I know. I keep wanting to tell RL people about it but can't because then i'll lose my anonymity and will have to change my name.

Hi, have just seen this thread (am new to mumsnet - bored at work today) and wanted to add my 2 pennorth! Hang on in there - it really does get better. I struggled when my kids were young and only survived due to a fantastic neighbour who literally dragged me out of the house to meet people. Lucky also in that I did meet like minded mums altho' the M&T groups spent discussing which powder washed whiter did my head in.

Anyway - don't lose sight of who you were/are, keep the climbing gear (or whatever else you love) and take it up again with the kids. They see you in a different light, you get to feel better about yourself and you enjoy fun time with them. There's a real danger that we fall into being "just mummy" and it's not good for us or our kids. Mine our now 13 & 15 and I've taken up skiing and trampolining with the kids -yes they are better than me but it's fun As well as restricting our lives for a while they do really open up new horizons - can take a while to see it through the haze of nappies and washing I admit

Yes, I second Dragonbutter. I am enjoying the baby period with my second more than my first - it's definitely easier. Apart from it means that I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for coming up to 3 years! (this big thick got pregnant while breastfeeding). That's a long time to be feasted upon.
Welcome essjayo - know what you mean about talking about which whites wash best - boooooring!
Herbgarden - I do exactly what you do and live life vicariously through my non-baby friends. I have a glam single friend who lives in Monaco and charters out yachts for $hundreds and thousands and has wild nights out, hops over the border to Italy to go skiing, goes on disasterous dates...
flertygerty - do you think it's harder when you're an 'old mum' (how old's old?) because you've had longer to build up a life before children? Or do you feel other mums are much younger and thus harder to relate to? I'm a young mum by today's standards (28yo - was 25 when first preggers) and while I have the whole 'should I have lived life more fully?' question going round in my head, I didn't have time to get used to having a double income, go on expensive holidays, live abroad etc so I had less to give up. (Maybe?) I also see my own parents (young mid-fifties) and see how fully they're enjoying life now, so kind of feel like there's still plenty of time. I still feel like a bit of a freak for being so young - other mums are very quick to say things like 'well you're still a spring chicken... blah blah blah...' I met my dh a couple of weeks after my 18th
Reading all your posts makes me realise how lucky I've been with friends. In fact, I 'fessed up to all this to a RL friend from my NCT group (who I totally heart) and guess what? She feels the same.

Ok, so maybe it's normal to miss our old lives and to find all the baby talk a bit mind numbing.
Why then, when i tried to talk about how much I enjoyed a book i'd just finished (The Poisonwood Bible) to a couple of other mum's was I shot down in a blaze of horridness and evil looks with 'How have you got time to read?'. They practically hissed. What's that about?

Well I loved The Poisonwood Bible

I do find that parenthood has polarised our gender roles as man and wifey. It's as though we're in a role-playing game where I do the laundry and he takes care of the car .

I think that the polarisation of gender roles is what we call teamwork in our house. It's a matter of 'here are the jobs we need to do how can we share them out fairly?'.
DH and I find it all really funny. We can't believe anybody is allowing us to have all this responsibility. We feel like we've been cloning people and nobody seems to think this is far too important a job for us. We do.
We were students together and call our children our new flatmates. It hangs on to our old identities somehow. These new flatmates are definitely not pulling their weight.
It's not quite the same, I don't remember waking up to find all my flatmates in my bed at 6am.

My reading's slowed down but I still manage to read 3-5 books a month. It actually slowed down soon after I got pregnant as I was so tired all the time.

I've just gone back to work full time (!) and while it feels very strange and my job's nothing very exciting, it is quite nice having more than one bit of my life again, and feelign that the weekends will be distinct from weekdays (and not just because there's no groups on to go out to).

3-5 books is good. I've been on the same book for months now.

What book is that? Are you enjoying it when you do get the chance to read it?

I'm reading Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I enjoy it when i'm reading it. What usually happens is I read very slowly in the beginning just a chapter at a time until something hooks me and I go mad and need to know what happens and read it til it;s done.
Anyone else feel a bit sad at the end of a book? If the characters are good I kind of miss them.

I loved Purple Hibiscus by the author of Half of a Yellow Sun, still have that one to read. And I really wanted to know what happened to the characters after the end of the book.

I was thinking about this thread last night. I have started reading 'Can some mother help me' (just come out in paperback, 1/2 price at Waterstones if your interested).

Its been mentioned on MN before I think. Its a book about the real life mothers who had a correspondence club going in the 30,s (well it lasted for 50 yrs). A post war MN. LOL.

The book is made up of the letters the women wrote. They are all housewives and mothers. Most have good education (some uni educated), most regretted having to quit interesting jobs to have kids (one woman cycled 12 miles with her baby in her bike basket to try and keep a PT teaching job going!). They write about the tedium of daily life (while stressing how much they love their kids), the boredome of housework and cooking. They also talk about sex, politics, current theories in childcare etc. Just like us. They use nicknames and take the piss out of each other (and fall out). One is known for her outragous comments about her sexlife, one is known for her bad typing! (They really are us)

Its absolutely fascinating. The thing that really comes across is that mothers all feel like this at times. I tend to think that previous generations of mothers were domestic goddesses who were totally fulfilled in their roles as wives and mothers. What a relief to find that this was not so.

That sounds interesting. I can't find it on amazon though. Can you give us some more info?

Sorry dragonbutter. Its called Can Any Mother Help Me. Author Jenna Bailey. Just come out in paperback.

Found it. And bought it.
Some spontaneity, how lovely.

I hope you enjoy it. Report back.

hellao agin . Don't get much access to a computer. Phlossie Ithink 'older' is probaly very subjectve but I had both of mine after 40 so definitely had a 'life' beforehand - & more to the point 1 that I was in control of. The hardest thing now is that my days are spent basically dealing with the temperamental whims of 2 tiny people - what makes 1 happy today will not necessarily do so tomorrow - that's the extent of the excitement in my life - will carrots still be aour favourite vegetabale tomorrow.

I too read a lot rather than watch tv - or do housework if I'm honest. When the oldest is watching tv at lunchtime I read then I feel only DH will see the dust & he won't notice it really.what doesn't get sone suring teh day doesn't get done fullstop as the evenings are my time - I feel its the least I deserve after a 12 hour shift of mummying if not more. loved half a yellow sun btw. aslo just read engleby (Faulks) which was interesting. feel now though that I need to read Heat or Hello for a bit.

PeterDuck said:

'you can request to have it put with the MN Classisc threads...'

That's a great idea ! How do I do this?

I'm not sure. Try clicking on the little red exclamation mark. You can send HQ a message from there.
I picked DS1 up from nursery this morning armed with his skateboard and helmet and took him to the skatepark. Out of curiosity I attempted to get on it, nearly broke my neck and nearly hit DS as it flew in his direction. I haven't been on a skateboard since I was about 11 so it shouldn't really have been a surprise how stiff and uncoordinated i've become. Thankfully my midlife crisis was a private one as there was noone else around.
Secretly a bit pleased with myself for giving it a go.
FlirtyGerty, It's difficult to tell whether age affects the identity crisis. Me and my husband suffered equally and we have a 13 year age gap. Maybe if you've been successful in your career it can be more of a blow to the ego when you find yourself just an unprepared for parenting as a school leaver. I had never changed a nappy before I had my 1st child. And I think unless you've actually got a Masters in Child Psychology/Nursing/Surviving SAS Interrogation tactics you'll never be prepared.

Yeay - go DB with your skateboarding antics!
Reading is fantastic. I'm reading brain candy at the moment - Marian Keyes' Angels - totally trashy and escapist. I have just read Secret River by Kate Greenway and The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, the latter being one of my favourites ever. I read while I'm breastfeeding my daughter before bed. I'm just like you, DB, start slowly then want to consume the entire book at once.
I started a book club once for other mums. But when we met up, we'd only talk about our babies. It was useless.
Dragonbutter, me and my dh lived together at uni too - come to think about it, our flatmate did wakes us up at 2am, though it was usually because she had locked herself out or needed to talk through the drunken argument she'd just had with her boyfriend! But I don't ever remember singing 'Mornin' Town Ride' to her!

My Goodness! As stay at home Dad I thought you ladies were coping better than I! I always thought the mums who gossiped together at kindergarten somehow coped better than I did. I've been doing the SAHD thing a few years now - mine are 4 and 2. I think the worst phase was just when oldest started kindergarten last year and was getting colds almost every week and giving it to my younger son. I was wiping noses so much all day that there accumulated this pile of tissues under the sofa!

I also live in southern Germany as an expat. About last December I was feeling so isolated culturally and almost on the verge of alcoholism but turned a corner when I made a great new British friend in a similar position to mine. There's also my female neighbour who has a new baby and I invite for coffee now and again. So people to talk to have made a difference.

The task of cookery I got into with relish. I am really into food and it made me feel proud to cook unique food out of Jamie Oliver's new book or Delia's books. So much that we are buying a new kitchen. However today I was a real kitchen criminal when out of sympathy for my hippy roots I tried some lentil type meals. All ended up as mashed up stodge so will never even make the auditions for Masterchef!

My hobbies help - when the sky is clear I go out with my telescope and do astronomy. I am also a keen gardener into growing my own veg - but a beginner at all these things.

You mention fitness - mine is also just a memory. I bought a cross trainer years ago which sits idle in my cellar. My wife is always moaning at how fat I am now. My intention is to start a bit of running in spring.

Funnily enough I was about to indulge in ten minutes meditation but that was buggered by my daughter waking up from her afternoon nap! Will never reach kundalini now!