Page 6 | Swimming pool changing rooms dilemma

Canyoumakemeporridge · 2023-07-31T15:47:39+00:00

Recently signed up for pool and gym membership. Got DS10 swim membership too. Changing rooms are seperate sexes. Reception said I could take him into ladies with me. There's 2 cubicles in ladies change but most ladies just get dressed at the benches/lockers. I've taken him alone twice so far and taken him into ladies changing. I go in first and make sure nobody naked, I post him into a cubicle and get him out when it's safe. Last time we went I saw a sign that said no boys over 7 allowed in ladies changing. He won't go in men's changing on his own and I don't want him to either. There's toilets he can change in near reception but he'd still have to go through one of the changing rooms to reach the pool. What would you do? Does anyone have any thoughts about how we can do this? His dad came once so that was fine as he was with him, but it's going to be me and DS alone mostly at pool. The men's changing have no cubicles. He's an awkward age where he's still wee but too big to be in ladies...

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Original poster

Canyoumakemeporridge · 31/07/2023 18:25

greenspaces4peace · 31/07/2023 18:15

What is there to be confused at @Canyoumakemeporridge , as parents he really should have glimpsed side eyed or outright seen his dad naked to be introduced slowly to what normal male genitalia looks like. To be introduced in an age appropriate way as to his own upcoming bodily changes.
as soon as my boys could pull up their own track bottoms they started going in appropriate male facilities (ones that were quiet, like coffee shops, restaurants etc) and yes by 5 in the boys change room as part of swim lessons and club. Airports where everyone is in a rush are fine for boys as well.
I suggest the male in his life steps up to the parenting plate.

He goes in men's toilets. So I guess he might have seen in there, but we have never been naked in front of our children, although obv there may been an accidentally seeing but we keep ourselves private and teach them to do the same.

OP posts:

Jonnycakes · 31/07/2023 18:26

Here we go, the mumsnet pile on for a concerned parent trying to get solutions to an issue. She was originally told he could go in, she’s now seen a sign to say he can’t so she’s looking for solutions. She’s made sure he hasn’t seen anyone naked.
Predatory males don’t just go for girls you know? A young boy (and yes a 10 year old is still young up against a grown man) would be at risk changing alone in a male changing room. Those asking about why he’s scared to change in front of naked males? Of course he is!! He’s a boy, he doesn’t want to be confronted by naked strange men anymore than you.
Op, Aldi have had cheap dry robes in at the moment if that’s any good for after. He could then walk to the other toilets you mentioned to get changed. Me and Ds used to change in the toilets by reception then I’d go through the ladies changing rooms, he’d go through the men’s and we’d meet by the male changing room door. This was the safest I could think of as if he wasn’t out in a reasonable amount of time, I’d just have gone in to get him.

Mum1976Mum · 31/07/2023 18:28

I have a 9.5 year old boy. He’s tiny for his age and looks about 7. Absolutely no way would he be going into the men’s changing room. He would stand no chance against a predator. The consequences don’t bear thinking about. He comes into the ladies with me and will until I feel he’s old enough and safe to go into the mens….and 10 won’t be it! He doesn’t stand there staring at naked ladies - we go into a cubicle, change and then straight to the pool. There are cubicles for anyone to use if they don’t like it.

SaltyGod · 31/07/2023 18:30

My 10 and 6yr old girls change by themselves (albeit together) when their father takes them swimming. They don’t want to be in the men’s.

My 10yr old would happily change by herself if needed.

Original poster

Canyoumakemeporridge · 31/07/2023 18:30

Jonnycakes · 31/07/2023 18:26

Here we go, the mumsnet pile on for a concerned parent trying to get solutions to an issue. She was originally told he could go in, she’s now seen a sign to say he can’t so she’s looking for solutions. She’s made sure he hasn’t seen anyone naked.
Predatory males don’t just go for girls you know? A young boy (and yes a 10 year old is still young up against a grown man) would be at risk changing alone in a male changing room. Those asking about why he’s scared to change in front of naked males? Of course he is!! He’s a boy, he doesn’t want to be confronted by naked strange men anymore than you.
Op, Aldi have had cheap dry robes in at the moment if that’s any good for after. He could then walk to the other toilets you mentioned to get changed. Me and Ds used to change in the toilets by reception then I’d go through the ladies changing rooms, he’d go through the men’s and we’d meet by the male changing room door. This was the safest I could think of as if he wasn’t out in a reasonable amount of time, I’d just have gone in to get him.

@Jonnycakes thank you for showing understanding. My second post in Mumsnet and already feeling quite bad about it.

I have asked for the thread to stop receiving comments due to the way it's gone. I have had a few helpful comments about robes etc and using the toilets, so I'll do that xx

OP posts:

Mum1976Mum · 31/07/2023 18:30

He also comes into the ladies toilets with me…he occasionally asks to use the mens but I stand at the doorway until he comes out. Any longer than a few minutes and I’d be in there!

Mum1976Mum · 31/07/2023 18:31

SaltyGod · 31/07/2023 18:30

My 10 and 6yr old girls change by themselves (albeit together) when their father takes them swimming. They don’t want to be in the men’s.

My 10yr old would happily change by herself if needed.

Not really the point as you are unlikely to get a predatory woman in the female changing room.

greenspaces4peace · 31/07/2023 18:34

So at what point do boys learn that males are untrustworthy predatory sneaky scary to 75% of the population and btw the little person is a boy? This has the potential for long term damage.
If he’s accustomed to mens wash rooms this is a natural next step. Maybe wait for him by the door.

vestedinterests · 31/07/2023 18:34

Hey, I completely understand. My husband has a gym membership and takes my 9 year old dd swimming with him on a weekend which means I have to make myself available to go with them as I don't want her in changing rooms without any adult supervision. I don't understand why gyms offer family swimming but no family changing rooms.

Goldbar · 31/07/2023 18:37

greenspaces4peace · 31/07/2023 18:34

So at what point do boys learn that males are untrustworthy predatory sneaky scary to 75% of the population and btw the little person is a boy? This has the potential for long term damage.
If he’s accustomed to mens wash rooms this is a natural next step. Maybe wait for him by the door.

Boys, girls, men and women (so everyone really) are all most at risk of violence (including sexual violence) from men. That's the reality of life and he's going to have to deal with it sooner or later.

PuttingDownRoots · 31/07/2023 18:38

One of the best changing set ups I've seen was womens, mens, father and child, mother and child. There is a discoonect between the age where they shouldn't be in opposite sex and the age where single sex Unaccompanied.

DH takes DDs camping without me... they've been sent into the ladies block together from 6&8.

OP I hope you find a solution.

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 18:44

Canyoumakemeporridge · 31/07/2023 17:34

Yes but he's not ever seen them naked. ???

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He has never seen his dad naked by the age of ten ? That's bonkers.

Elsiebear90 · 31/07/2023 18:51

I think some people are really babying their sons here tbh, he’s ten not five, he’s going to secondary school soon, he’s not a tiny little boy anymore, it’s natural at that age for boys to be curious and interested in female bodies, so it’s completely inappropriate to take them into open female changing rooms where girls and women are undressed and naked.

I remember ten year old boys when I was ten and they were very interested in looking at women and girls. His dad needs to take him into changing rooms and show him naked male bodies aren’t something to be afraid of. It’s not fair for young girls and women to be naked and undressed around older boys.

Upsetrethis · 31/07/2023 18:52

@NewNovember no it really isn’t 🙄

Sadiegirl87 · 31/07/2023 18:53

Bsmirched · 31/07/2023 16:52

I'm sorry but at 10 he should be changing in the men's changing room. Every ladies' changing room I've used has the rule that children over (at the most) 8 should be in their appropriate changing room.

I agree with all the posts I've read here that a 10 year old should not be in the ladies changing room, that's way too old and not appropriate, surely you see that?
If he won't get changed in the men's he should change in the toilets at reception and walk through the men's to the pool or alternatively find a new pool to take him to.if I had my daughter changing and there was a 10 year old boy present I would probably make a complain to staff. There is a reason rules like this are in place

yogasaurus · 31/07/2023 18:54

@Elsiebear90 completely agree.

Also being small for their age is irrelevant, that’s nothing to do with age/development. It’s not fair on girls. They have a right to private spaces.

Nancy155 · 31/07/2023 19:24

I agree with you, my 8 year old still changes in the changing room with me and I won’t be sending him into the men’s alone. It’s got nothing to do with him, I don’t know who else is in there and it is my job as his parent to keep him safe.
i would not bat an eye lid if there was a ten year old in the women’s changing rooms, they aren’t ogling young girls forgodsake they are getting changed for a swim!

Bobo87 · 31/07/2023 19:31

1small4cats · 31/07/2023 18:18

I know someone who takes the nearly 10 year old step daughter in the men’s changing rooms with him after swimming (no cubicles) and apparantley I’M the weird one for saying that’s innapropriate!!

Oh!
I just remembered being on a school trip at 12 years old to Germany and it was mixed changing rooms and I remembered being so freaked out but all the men just casually walking round naked :/

Goldbar · 31/07/2023 19:33

There are three separate issues.

The age at which children should confidently be able to change alone without adult help. Probably around 6/7 for many children, maybe a bit later for some.

The age at which children have sufficient life experience to recognise and keep themselves safe from predatory adults. Probably a lot older than 6/7 for most children. But parents might be willing to take the chance that an unaccompanied 7yo will likely be ok in the women's changing-room, less so in the men's.

The age at which children start to want (and be entitled to) privacy from the opposite sex. Personally, I'd put this at around 8, but definitely by 10.

The problem is that none of these ages really line up. It's useless to tell someone that an 8yo boy should be able to manage to change alone without adult help when actually they're worried about their child's safety. Likewise, an 11yo boy might not be safe in the men's but should not be in the women's either due to privacy concerns.

Bobo87 · 31/07/2023 19:34

Also, I go to a swimming pool where it’s all cubicles so it doesn’t matter it’s mixed and they have big family cubicles too.
But I know not everyone can be near a swim pool like that.

ArcticSkewer · 31/07/2023 19:39

Nancy155 · 31/07/2023 19:24

I agree with you, my 8 year old still changes in the changing room with me and I won’t be sending him into the men’s alone. It’s got nothing to do with him, I don’t know who else is in there and it is my job as his parent to keep him safe.
i would not bat an eye lid if there was a ten year old in the women’s changing rooms, they aren’t ogling young girls forgodsake they are getting changed for a swim!

You might not bat an eyelid. I would complain.

It is probably not a coincidence that op has just noticed these signs after taking her ten year old son into the changing room twice. I'd imagine there were complaints

Nancy155 · 31/07/2023 20:00

Im sure you would. Some people like to complain for the sake of complaining.

It is her job as his parent to keep him safe. Sending him into the men’s changing rooms alone is potentially putting him at risk. It’s a risk I wouldn’t take just to keep other people happy.

ArcticSkewer · 31/07/2023 21:28

Nancy155 · 31/07/2023 20:00

Im sure you would. Some people like to complain for the sake of complaining.

It is her job as his parent to keep him safe. Sending him into the men’s changing rooms alone is potentially putting him at risk. It’s a risk I wouldn’t take just to keep other people happy.

You would simply be banned from taking him into the women's changing rooms. It's very straightforward.
At my gym, they would put up a sign (see op) then intervene directly the next time it happened and your son would be asked to use the appropriate facilities or asked to leave.

ArcticSkewer · 31/07/2023 21:30

It's frankly extremely ridiculous that any mother thinks her 10 year old can use the women's changing rooms but happily there are policies to prevent such mothers from actually doing so

MissAtomicBomb1 · 31/07/2023 22:33

@Nancy155 if you don't feel comfortable sending your son into a male changing room then that is understandable and I'm sure everyone would respect your decision. What it does not entitle you to do is bring him into the women's changing room.
Can you not see from this thread how uncomfortable that would make some women and girls feel? Or is it that you just don't care?
You really need to find other solutions - encroaching on the privacy and dignity of others is not ok and I say this as a mum of two boys.

Swimming pool changing rooms dilemma

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