MIL wants baby to be closer to my husband and snatches her away

[Raspberrylemon123]

Hi, I'm fairly new to Mumsnet so please be kind! I'm a new mum, baby is 4m and my first. I had a good relationship with IL and MIL before baby although I did notice a possessive quality she has towards her own children. Didn't bother me much, I was just glad baby was going to be so loved. After she was born, MIL turned into a possessive monster, wanted baby to be around/held by ONLY her, FIL and their children (sils&bil). She was over every night and would look angry/upset if my family over were spending time with baby and drove them home early every time with her rude behaviour towards them (they're pretty shy so didn't want to cause conflict). She then started showing possessiveness with baby and my husband, complaining its not fair he has to go to work and also if we go over or she is at ours she continues to snatch baby off me and takes her to my husband for kisses etc... I don't understand, yes I'm at home with her but I make sure he gets all her best moments when she's fed and happy etc. They spend plenty of time together. MIL also constantly says she loves her dad more etc and will get visibly irritated if anyone around us tells me I'm a good mum etc. Can't take it anymore and just needed to rant to a non family member I guess.

Oh and I forgot to add- mil used to get along with my mum but she is now horrible towards her, dirty looks and comments etc and similar towards my siblings

Just ignore it and start being unavailable more when she visits. Maybe take the baby to your parents rather than have them visit you

So why are you putting up with it? Limit her visits.
When your family are there, tell her you're busy.
When she snatches your baby, firmly tell her not to do this again.
And talk to your DH and make it clear to him that you are setting boundaries from now on and make sure you have his support

This ^ plus your DH needs to speak to her.

I have been doing so but she calls my husband daily to find out what me and baby are doing and acts even more childish when she finds out I've been to my parents home. I don't have many friends so seeing my mum and sisters is part of my social life. It's getting hard. Might I add she passes baby to her relatives (her siblings and cousins etc) but shamelessly snatches her from my family also.

So what is your DH doing about it?

Whenwillitallmakesense
I spoke to my DH. He said he would have a word and he did, she calmed down a little (still making comments that baby loves dad more but sometimes handing her back to me when she cried) ... she waited for what she thought was us 'forgetting and started up again. I just want to understand her weird obsession with wanting baby closer to my husband as opposed to loving both parents

I would be seeing her an awful lot less and putting boundaries in place asap-this is your baby!

If your husband doesn’t have your back here, I would honestly be seriously considering my future with him. I couldn’t live my life like that.

Ooh gosh … you have to play this really subtly! Be slightly two faced. Hand the baby to MIL when she comes to the house , ask her to read to baby, change nappy, feed etc . .. and smile , let her think you like her company.Then say “ daddy’s time now” and take baby off her !( what can she say?).Get on with your own thing and let OH spend time with his Mum. Visit your parents on your own … don’t have the two sets of parents in your house .. ever or as little as possible! You have many years ahead of you to put up with this nonsense … do not stand for it!!!!

Then tell your husband to tell her nothing. Or to tell her he doesn't know or its none of her business or to ask you herself.
Stop making excuses and just put your foot down. It's not acceptable behavior. Do you want your child growing up thinking anyone can treat you and your family like shit?

SleepingStandingUp
He does support and defend me but feels sorry for my mil as she's been through alot (nothing to do with me or husband) but I guess he will always see her that way, specially as she lives for her children (also my baby is first grandchild)

I would tell your husband that you will not tolerate her batshit snatching of your child, he gets one more chance to explain if she continues to behave like this you will not be visiting or allowing access to the baby without your DH present as she is being rude to you and your family.

This is your baby, not hers, she needs therapy or something but this behaviour will no longer be tolerated.

More boundaries more space needed!! You need to say again to your dh that you are no longer happy to see mil more than once a week, she has no respect at all for you. When you do let her visit, don’t let her take your baby. Ask your dh to hand you your baby back every time she gives baby to him for her visit. Say clearly that she can’t come over when your parents are over as she’s been very rude to them.

So he needs to speak up every time.

"ooh baby Violet loves Daddy the most don't you Violet cos Daddy is the bestey westey daddy waddy ever, yes Nanny I love Daddy more than Mama"
"no Mom, she loves us both equally, as she should. You need to stop saying hurtful things to Raspberry"

Next time she does it, he alas her to leave.

Rinse and repeat.

If she goes to take baby off you, you either do a two arm hold so she can't take her, or one arm hold and put your other hand up and out - "No Sharon, I'm holding her atm, you can have a cuddle in a bit".

If she moans he doesn't get to be off work, tell her if he gives birth to the next one, he can

bossybloss - agreed i do have to be two faced as she can be sometimes. For example infront of my husband she will plate me up dinner and make me tea etc and not let me lift a finger, if he isn't around she won't speak to me or will make comments such as 'you CAN make a plate up for yourself you know' sarcastically 🫣

That's no excuse for him allowing her to text you like some no longer needed womb that has birthed her sons child.

Well then you and your family need to be a bit more proactive instead of just sitting there letting 1 woman rule you.

Thank you everyone, just needed to hear I'm not being totally unreasonable as I have not yet said a word to mil about ANYTHING. I also have been told by my sil (only one with no sense of psychotic possessiveness and jealousy) that she is on my side and can see this behaviour. Her and husband do take baby back and give her to me and also both of them most definitely make comments such as 'she's a mummy's girl' or 'she loves her mummy the most' . I am a very shy and anxious person and I spent the first few weeks post partum crying daily because you just want reassurance you're a good mum but my MIL would stare and smirk if anyone said i am... making me feel the opposite

SleepingStandingUp - I understand
She treated me like a daughter before baby got here. Only after she was born everything changed and I'm treated lime an incubator. I let it slide for 4 months thinking it might die down but its gotten worse. Even my friends etc who have come to visit and seen mil I'm action mentioned her behaviour

She was probably nice to you as a manipulation to get you to not question the behaviour since baby has arrived.
She sounds especially nasty and her whole identity is probably tied up in being the head of the family including you and yours because she probably doesn't have much of a life outside of that.

TomatoSandwiches - I see this as she does make comments to bil that he needs to hurry up and have babies so mine can have a cousin to grow up with. Unrelated to that she also gets very annoyed if anyone says baby looks like me? And makes weird comments that show a crazy attachment to my baby
For example I left a pair of DD socks by accident and she said she kissed them every night till she was reunited with her. She also said if she closes her eyes and thinks of DD she can smell her and her heart feels at rest. Abit much for me in all honesty

She sounds unhinged and your husband needs to make it 100% clear that all her horrible behaviour stops now, or she doesn’t see your baby.

It doesn’t matter if she gets upset, she’s obviously not bothered about your feelings. Don’t fall into the trap of keeping quiet so that she keeps a close relationship with your baby. It’s not in your child’s best interests to grow up watching her gran treat her mum badly… especially if her behaviour goes unchallenged by her parents.

(Ideally I think that you should challenge her every time she is rude to your family too, but I appreciate that’s hard when you are already feeling vulnerable.)

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this when you have a new baby

So what are you going to do, OP, now you've been reassured by everyone that you're not being unreasonable?

Countingdowntodecember
Thank you so much. I do truly feel so vulnerable and have developed a little anxiety regarding everything. I dread all the big events like holidays and her first birthday as they already have said they can't wait to do everything etc. The only thing that makes all this hard is she is generally great at appearing super sweet, her relatives tell me you should be so grateful your mil is so sweet and amazing. The way she treated me before baby is how she treats most people, always Cooking for and serving everyone lots of hugs etc. I saw bits of this possessive personality before but she kept it quite under wraps till baby got here. She also screeched at my sister in law to be quiet cos baby is sleeping when she was telling me how much of a great job I'm doing (she was whispering 😂)

Whenwillitallmakesense ,
Going to get some rest tonight and tomorrow have a conversation with DH to FIRMLY reset boundaries. I understand his need to fill his mums happiness tank with my DD because she has nothing else in life but my feelings matter and so do my families of its going to be this way