MIL wants baby to be closer to my husband and snatches her away

[Raspberrylemon123]

Hi, I'm fairly new to Mumsnet so please be kind! I'm a new mum, baby is 4m and my first. I had a good relationship with IL and MIL before baby although I did notice a possessive quality she has towards her own children. Didn't bother me much, I was just glad baby was going to be so loved. After she was born, MIL turned into a possessive monster, wanted baby to be around/held by ONLY her, FIL and their children (sils&bil). She was over every night and would look angry/upset if my family over were spending time with baby and drove them home early every time with her rude behaviour towards them (they're pretty shy so didn't want to cause conflict). She then started showing possessiveness with baby and my husband, complaining its not fair he has to go to work and also if we go over or she is at ours she continues to snatch baby off me and takes her to my husband for kisses etc... I don't understand, yes I'm at home with her but I make sure he gets all her best moments when she's fed and happy etc. They spend plenty of time together. MIL also constantly says she loves her dad more etc and will get visibly irritated if anyone around us tells me I'm a good mum etc. Can't take it anymore and just needed to rant to a non family member I guess.

You need to get tough with her and your hubby needs to back you up. Tell her you can no longer tolerate her batshit behaviour and she is banned from visiting your house and having any contact with your baby until ahe stops the unhinged behaviour. You need to be really firm about this otherwise you will end up spending a lifetime kowtowing to her demands.
Good luck!!

Yes

She 'just takes' baby? You can say no he's feeling like he wants mummy cuddles at the moment. Etc. all day long. She can kick up a stink, then you can say I'm not comfortable being spoken to like that, I'm going to leave/I'd like you to leave. Your husband needs to back you on this though.

My babies 'other grandmother' tries to tell me what to do l, wanted to come to hospital straight after my c section and wants to feed him and take him to her house without me etc, I just say no he's not ready for that yet but you can visit us here and this is when I'm free ( and she also wanted to meet up more than weekly, I also have been boundaried about how often she comes round)

Oh good god that would drive me round the bend ..... I would not have her over so often and take some time to ur self with baby and ur other half....don't ever feel like u can't speak up and tell her how u feel if she don't like it then that's her problem and make sure u make it clear to her you will not be treated like if any more... u are doing a great job at being a mummy she's being a pain in the ass and being overbearing good luck x

Yes!!!! So if I say she needs her mum she will let me hold her for all of 2 minutes... before she comes over and DD is 4m and recognises people so will look over at her and sometimes smile... that's more than enough for her to say "OH YOU WANT GRANDMA TO HOLD YOU, OF COURSE YOU DO" and snatches her and then proceeds to prevent her from looking my way. She also snatches her FOR others. E.g. if DD smiles at grandad or aunty/uncle she jumps across the room and says 'PICK HER UP SHE WANTS YOU, how will she get used to being held by you' If DD turns her head to look at me, she quickly whips her the other way incase she cries for me. Also she never kicks up a fuss but maybe because I have never spoke up? She acts sickly sweet towards DH, more so since she started the snatching. I assume so he perceives it as love

Think I need to take a leaf out of your book. She tries to put her to sleep at nap time and DD is only settled with me and now my mum (who never forces it) and she will just let her scream whilst I internally die and then DH or sil hand her back to me

kirsty2023 thank you lovely. Your kind words have made me feel alot better tonight when it had all got overwhelming xx

I have one like this! inserts herself in every aspect of our lives. Cried because I wouldn't allow her to buy my son his first pair of shoes and equally as weird shit. For the past 12 months she's been banned from my house for constantly disrespecting me or my boundaries and when I used to stand up for myself I would be punished by her or her family in someway (even threats from my BIL to harm me if I didn't call her for Mothers day- she's not my mother and had been no contact at this point for 3 months)

My DH folds and bends to er every command he's even taken important family holidays and ran off with the kids to celebrate at their house and left me completely alone. I am in the process of leaving him as he's a weak mummas boy who would rather see me spend Easter completely alone without my children because he can't tell his mum no!

It doesn't get better and if your dh is making excuses or not putting his foot down he will continue to downplay it and you'll always be treated with this disrespect only she'll know he doesn't have your back so the manipulation will begin. A MIL like this and a son that cannot stand up to his mother will destroy your relationship.

Ur more than welcome @Raspberrylemon123 im so glad I don't seem my family that much as they live far away and the in-laws don't see any of my kids at all...it can all get to much for you I know that feeling and it's not long ago that u have had a baby x

@Aussiegirl88 I hope you're okay, that is horrible that you were alone :( you're a strong woman x

I think you need to tell your husband that your plans are not for sharing - because this is adding fuel to the fire.

You also need to be ‘out’ more to avoid them being round all the time. Close the curtains and ignore the phone - you don’t have to be available to this mad woman

I find it absolutely remarkable that you just sit there like a lemon and allow this batshit woman to steamroll right over you.

Stop being so passive and put this woman firmly in her place. I can't believe you let her in your home. Don't worry about hurting her feelings. She doesn't give a shit about yours.

Can't your husband deal with this? Has he asked her why she keeps calling and why she needs to know what you're doing all the time, and refuse to give her bulletins, or outright lie?

Why does everyone let her snatch the baby? If it were me, I would ensure that I was holding on very firmly indeed and would turn away as she approached.

@Itsanotherhreatday we discussed this and he said he will stop as he didn't realise the impact before but now he does x

@Aquamarine1029 I can't believe it myself but sometimes in these situations my throat closes up and I feel anxious and suddenly can't say anything. Feels like I have lost control of my voice and can't speak up.

@Quiverer I try my best to hold on to my DD. I HATE letting her be snatched but I also have noticed her other children and FIL also feel like she deserves the 'love' from DD simply because she's their mum and they love her

Do you live with her? Why is she there when your family is there?

You either do it the direct way. Mil, this is pissing me off now and needs to stop.

Or the indirect way and just stop being so available. Tail it off. Not so easy if you love together. Or if your husband isn't on board. Is he?

You're a mum now, op, and it's your job to protect your child and to make and enforce the rules in your home. You need to learn how to be assertive. It takes practice but you can do it.

@JuneOsborne we don't live together. Admittedly her unannounced visits have calmed down but it was tactical on her part. Instead she says to DH that me and him and DD need time together and people shouldn't be over (referring to my family). Instead she calls every day to control from afar and invite us over DAILY. And when we do go everything I've mentioned continues to happen

I wouldn't be able to have this dreadful woman in my house by now. For my own sanity she would have been banned.

I think that you (and DH) need to be much more assertive here. Don't let her snatch the baby away from you. Try and shout "NO" at her loudly if she makes a start. Turn away and leave the room with your baby.

If she simply won't back off then I would tell her to leave the house and not return because she seems totally unable to behave with respect and doesn't seem to understand that the baby isn't hers.

Honestly, you shouldn't be being subjected to this bullying and she needs to be banned from your home.

Having seen your update, I would not be visiting MIL's house with the baby either. Not for a very, very long time. DH could go on his own, but baby and I would not be going because of her disgraceful behaviour.

She needs to understand that you and your child should be treated with respect, and that your baby isn't a doll that she can just snatch and pass around.

you cant speak up because your throat chakra is blocked, you need to do sllowly build up your strength
it is your house and it is your child, you are in a position of authority, and MIL is a guest in your home

people like your MIL can sense weakness and they take advantage of it,
you just had a baby she knows that you're in a vulnerable state, she knows that you have anxiety.

the good news is that it doesn't take much to stand up to bullys like her,
all you have to do is assert your boundaries firmly and she will crumble, your MIL sounds like a very fragile woman
be prepared for her to play the victim

next time she tries to snatch your child, you need to put your hand out in front of you in a "stop" gesture and say "No" very clearly and confidently
she might try to keep going but you said no, and no means no, stand your ground and do not let her get her own way

when you feel your throat close up its because the chakra is blocked , you need to focus on nose breathing and neck exercises,
when your MIL comes around she is making you tense up and that can also manifest in your throat
there are many way to redirect that energy , you can put a rubber band around your wrist and pull it when your anxiety gets high

Also, do not eat or drink from her, you can accept the plate or glass ,
but do not eat anything she cooks or pours for you , leave the plate on the side and say you're not hungry if she asks questions
making somebody food and drink is very spiritually powerful
that is why you should never accept food or drink from someone that does not like you , bad energy can be transferred into food , when they are thinking bad thoughts about you
they can curse you through the food and it creates a lot of bad energy for you , can give you bad luck and misfortune , even make you sick

If she tries to take baby out of your arms a sharp "NO I've got her" and quickly turn away. Make it physically difficult to snatch.
If she makes a comment then it's "I am her mum, she is my baby and we're doing just fine thank you". If she's got her and you want her back for any reason then you need to walk over, firmly take DD out of whoever's arms and take the pair of you upstairs or to the bathroom where you can't be followed.
OP I know you're new to this and DD is very small but you need to stand up for yourself and DD. She is your baby, you call the shots. You certainly don’t pander to this fucking entitled bitch and her control freakery.
As DD gets older you will really need to develop a backbone as her Mum. You are doing DD no good allowing this to carry on. It doesn't even need to be a discussion with your husband, you need to stand your own ground.

@Topseyt123 it seems sometimes like my baby offers her some kind of emotional support. So weird. She says that she goes to bed staring at pictures of her and wondering what she's doing at all times.

Stop her coming round, tell her exactly why, she is not welcome unless she learns to respect boundaries, shows respect towards you and your family, and remind her you are her mum not her.