MIL wants baby to be closer to my husband and snatches her away

[Raspberrylemon123]

Hi, I'm fairly new to Mumsnet so please be kind! I'm a new mum, baby is 4m and my first. I had a good relationship with IL and MIL before baby although I did notice a possessive quality she has towards her own children. Didn't bother me much, I was just glad baby was going to be so loved. After she was born, MIL turned into a possessive monster, wanted baby to be around/held by ONLY her, FIL and their children (sils&bil). She was over every night and would look angry/upset if my family over were spending time with baby and drove them home early every time with her rude behaviour towards them (they're pretty shy so didn't want to cause conflict). She then started showing possessiveness with baby and my husband, complaining its not fair he has to go to work and also if we go over or she is at ours she continues to snatch baby off me and takes her to my husband for kisses etc... I don't understand, yes I'm at home with her but I make sure he gets all her best moments when she's fed and happy etc. They spend plenty of time together. MIL also constantly says she loves her dad more etc and will get visibly irritated if anyone around us tells me I'm a good mum etc. Can't take it anymore and just needed to rant to a non family member I guess.

I don’t say any of this to be harsh, I speak from experience. My DD is 11 now and in laws walked all over me when she was tiny until I very firmly put my foot down.

Ahhhh this would drive me crazy. I'm quite a reserved person and try to avoid conflict at anytime but I wouldn't have been able to deal with this even once. My soon to be MIL is very full on and can be needy so I was dreading her first visit with DD2 but thankfully she was nothing like I expected. It's good your husband is listening to you but he needs to putting his foot down with this. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your Mum acting this way, I doubt he'd be so blasé about it. She needs to wind her neck in and stay in her lane

This

Shes behaving this way because your letting her. So set your boundaries and tell her firmly what these are. Limit visits and ask her to leave the minute she starts her nonsense. Ensure your DH backs you up.

Behind every batshit mil there is a dh that is enabling the behaviour. If he stood up to her, trust me she wouldn’t dare do this so my opinion is that you have a Dh problem.

Agree with what everyone's saying I do need to put my foot down before this is my life forever. Also I hear alot of 'don't care what your mummy says me and you are going to go ' etc etc. Very stressful as after all their behaviour I don't want them to be alone with her at the moment

Put a stop to it now.

"She's perfectly fine with me, thanks".

"Sorry we can't see you today we have plans."

If you have it in you, call her out on it. Doing it 'nicely' will wind her up even more.

Shut it down. Every time. Put boundaries in place now and make sure your DH is on side otherwise IT WILL GET WORSE.

Women like this are batshit. Luckily you don't have to put up with it.

I wanted more than 1 child since I was a young girl and wanted a big family. Mil has sucked all my joy out of this dream because adjusting to life with a baby was easy. Adjusting to these new possessive relationships has broke me right down

If you want another child, I'd be finding another husband - the current one is not good breeding stock given his total inability to stand up to his totally deranged mother.

Find your strength and put a stop to it. Don't let her behaviour affect your life choices. Shut it down.

And while youre there, sort your husband out.

Tell your DH that he is NOT to tell his mum everything that you are doing- he can simply say “I’m not sure what raspberrylemon has planned for today” Go and see your family. It sounds like she is trying to isolate you and is emotionally abusing you.

I would be “busy” more often and get out to baby and mum groups to meet other mums.

It’s time for stern boundaries.

This is terrible OP
Why are you allowing anybody to snatch your own baby and pass her around ?
Your poor baby!
You and you alone are the protector of your child. Your baby has no voice, she only has her mother to speak up for her. That’s YOU!
It’s YOUR job, nobody else’s, to prevent any other person snatching her away.
Come on OP, put a stop to this right away.
Show yourself worthy of being a mother to your precious baby daughter. You don’t need anybody else’s permission to do that.
You would be right to wipe that smirk from your MIL’s face by firmly saying no.
Tell her kindly, she can visit when convenient and you will invite her when it’s convenient. She will be shocked, but just keep repeating it.
And tell her she can hold your baby when invited to do so, otherwise no, you won’t allow her to snatch her and pass her around. She isn’t a toy.

Protect your kid. Be a lioness about it all. Don't be cowed into not saying anything. And have a word with your DH. He needs to be on the same page and stop giving her all the details. Cut this shit dead.

As an adult OP you're either going to put boundaries in place or not. Your dc will need support one day from a parent who can show they are assertive and able to stick up for yourself. Why not start now. Your actions are daft. Stop her coming round and visit her only with dh when possible but reduce the time you spend with her. If she won't stop coming round, you go out.

He does support and defend me but feels sorry for my mil as she's been through alot

It's quite common, unfortunately, for people who have had very difficult childhoods to become narcissistic and controlling when they are older. Your MIL's behaviour really fits the bill here.

The only thing people like this respond to is uncomfortably firm boundary-setting. By this I mean you have to be prepared to put your foot down HARD and not give in when the inevitable tears and cries of being victimised start.

So the first time she comes to snatch the baby away, you physically turn away and say clearly, "Sorry, I'm still holding her. You (or BIL etc) can have a cuddle in a few minutes." Hold out for a period of time and then let her have the baby. If she comes over complaining, just be firm. "No, sorry, I'm still enjoying MY cuddle. You can have her soon." She has to be absolutely clear that your word is law and YOU are in control. Repeat this constantly. You have to establish yourself as the boss. If she is smart, she will understand what is going on here.

If she starts carrying on and complaining, you have to be prepared to set a harder boundary and be utterly clear about the behaviour you will NOT allow. "MIL, every time you come over, you snatch the baby away from me repeatedly and won't give her back. I don't like it being kept from my own child so this needs to stop. If you continue trying to take and keep my child from me when I want her, we will reduce contact."

Narcissists fear abandonment, so although she will likely go into a sulk to try to manipulate you into backing down, you have to show her that you are made of stronger stuff than she is. She will eventually come crawling back and although she will probably make passive-aggressive remarks about it, you can ignore these as weak protests.

You cannot let her walk all over you, as she absolutely will if you let her.

Most people are capable of understanding other people's boundaries and of respecting them without even being asked to do so. Narcissists cannot and will not, so unfortunately it's on you to make a show of dominance that they can understand.

And I wouldn't even bother telling your dh what you're doing. Say you're staying in today then go out. He doesn't need to know your whereabouts anyway.

You need also to make more of a life for yourself outside of your family. Friends are so important. Find all the baby groups locally and start going to them. I did that when I moved here as I didn't know anyone. It took a few months of going then I met a couple of nice people and now there's some of my best friends.

Be much less available.

Dh never tells her anymore, always makes excuses since he realised but thank you everyone for the motivation I needed to speak up, I'm sure things will improve once I do so

Also side note dh encourages me to make friends and go to baby groups, im just very shy. He also encourages me to see my family. I think his support makes me not want to speak up because I feel bad and see him trying to support me but also keep the peace

You feel bad?!
No!
Tell him what you have told us.
If he loves you he will step up and tell us mother to wise up. If he doesn't then I'm so sorry but you have a very difficult time ahead of you.

If he does step up, it's going to be needed more than once. Every single interaction with her he needs to be on it, telling her no and resetting boundaries.

You and he need to be a team.

I'd also be doing this.
Zero tolerance for her bat shittery.
You'll end up with PND dealing with this pal.
Listen to Tomato Sandwiches, she's spot on. 👌🏻

I would call her out on it in front of everyone. If she’s going to be an arse, be an arse back. She needs to learn.

You have a dh problem

I generally dislike MIL bashing threads and often find myself taking the MIL's side but I have to say your MIL'S behaviour is unhinged!! It does seem that a small minority of MILs seem to go a bit mad when grandchildren arrive and become very possessive.
My own MIL wasn't like this but she did become completely obsessed with our children for a while. It's all died down now and she's a wonderful, loving grandmother (without being obsessive).
With your MIL I think this really needs to be nipped in the bud somehow with your DH taking the lead but you also playing your part. Every time she makes these ridiculous remarks about your baby preferring your DH you should both challenge her. If you're enjoying a cuddle with the any and she snatches her from you, you should both say "Don't do that. We're having a nice cuddle here". If she's rude about your parents that should be immediately challenged. I think if she is challenged each and every time she's unreasonable she was eventually learn. Surely?! Or do you think she'll just have a massive tantrum?

Don't put up with it! Call her out on her rudeness every time. Tell her that if she can't be civil towards you and your family, she can't come and see the baby at all.

Your h needs to speak to her too. Present a united front.

She sounds batshit.

I'd also limit her visits pronto.

What a dreadful woman! I would call her out on her behaviour and tell her that if she can’t be civil to other people and behave herself, than she will not be welcome to visit baby.
Im afraid you are going to have to stand up for yourself a bit here or this woman is just going to take over.
I also think your DH is a bit useless for not stepping in and stopping this behaviour.