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Original poster

MIL wants baby to be closer to my husband and snatches her away

137 replies

Raspberrylemon123 · 15/06/2023 23:03

Hi, I'm fairly new to Mumsnet so please be kind! I'm a new mum, baby is 4m and my first. I had a good relationship with IL and MIL before baby although I did notice a possessive quality she has towards her own children. Didn't bother me much, I was just glad baby was going to be so loved. After she was born, MIL turned into a possessive monster, wanted baby to be around/held by ONLY her, FIL and their children (sils&bil). She was over every night and would look angry/upset if my family over were spending time with baby and drove them home early every time with her rude behaviour towards them (they're pretty shy so didn't want to cause conflict). She then started showing possessiveness with baby and my husband, complaining its not fair he has to go to work and also if we go over or she is at ours she continues to snatch baby off me and takes her to my husband for kisses etc... I don't understand, yes I'm at home with her but I make sure he gets all her best moments when she's fed and happy etc. They spend plenty of time together. MIL also constantly says she loves her dad more etc and will get visibly irritated if anyone around us tells me I'm a good mum etc. Can't take it anymore and just needed to rant to a non family member I guess.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 17:50

Raspberrylemon123 · 16/06/2023 11:04

@2pence I do understand all this and appreciate this point of view. I grew up with 2 loving sides of the family and was close to everyone. It's a big reason I have stayed quiet and allowed her to make me feel this way. There are boundaries that have been ignored and yet I still have not alienated anyone. I visit, send pictures and also sit like an absolute lemon whilst my baby gets passed around to everyone else including my husband. I loved baby cuddles before I had a baby so I understand that also. What I don't understand is my baby NOT BEING ALLOWED to glance in my direction incase she loves me too much. She is forced upon her dad with the intention of making her closer to him. I also haven't said I let my mum do more with her? I feed her myself around mum also. But my mum tells me im a good mum, my mil told her daughters to be quiet because theyre talking too loudly when they said im a good mum 😂 its very clear cut i am doing my bit. I said my family do more around the house for me whilst I feed play cuddle etc, not more with baby. I totally umderstand your point but feels like you haven't really read much about what I said is happening and assume I'm treating her different to my mum when that wasn't the case, after this behaviour has gone on for 4 months is when I turned for advice x

You've done nothing wrong at all you sounds like a lovely DIL I hope I have one like you one day! X

Noicant · 08/08/2023 18:23

I think it’s rooted in the belief that children favour their mothers/mothers family (because mums may gravitate towards their own family where they are comfortable). I think she’s worried about the baby being more “yours” than DH’s more immersed with your family than hers.

I know it doesn’t make sense but its on the continuum of the kind of people who insist that a baby takes entirely after their side. the DIL isn’t blood but the baby is iyswim.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 18/10/2023 12:53

You’re going to have get tough and set boundaries. If she won’t hand baby back you stand over her or in front of her and say “I’ll take her, she needs her mum” and you keep on saying it until she does.
But the person to put a stop to this is her son, it needs to come from him. If she’s rude to your family he needs to pull her up on it but he he doesn’t then don’t be worried about upsetting her by telling her to stop, she’s not bothered about them or you.
Someone on another thread posted a quote and I think it’s perfect in your case. “Your title to my child doesn’t entitle you to my child”.
Dont let your baby become her new toy or hobby, baby is not her entertainment.

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NeverTrustAPoliceman · 18/10/2023 13:11

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned this. I think your DD needs to be in a sling so she can't be snatched away. That's what a friend did in similar circumstances.

But put up some really strong boundaries now, it will only get worse.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 18/10/2023 17:41

How did you get on, op? Has anything changed?

Firsttimemama01 · 27/10/2023 20:49

Hi everyone, couldn't get into my old mumsnet account so had to make a new one so tried to find this thread and reply!!! I stood my ground and things changed... somewhat... there are still digs and weird behaviour but way dialled down and easier for me to ignore. Sent baby over once with dad and found out mil tried to get her to call her mummy the whole visit so I go over myself with her now. She gets to see her grandchild and I get to correct weird obsessive behaviour

Quiverer · 27/10/2023 21:32

I'm glad things are improving a bit. Does your husband call her out with this insistence on the baby calling her mummy? If I did that my sons would definitely tell me to stop being weird.

Firsttimemama01 · 28/10/2023 00:57

@Quiverer see that's a sticky one ny sil told me about this incident as she's pretty close to me. Mil never does it infront of DH!!

Quiverer · 28/10/2023 21:20

I hope your SIL and her husband tell your MIL she's being totally weird, then.

Firsttimemama01 · 29/10/2023 18:41

@Quiverer they... and my mil has trouble watching/acknowledging affection between me and baby. She also gets extremely excited if my fickle little DD cuddles her instead and has at times made comments like she's not even close to her mum. They will correct her but it still gets to me

Daffodilsandtuplips · 14/01/2024 13:51

Raspberrylemon123 · 15/06/2023 23:29

TomatoSandwiches - I see this as she does make comments to bil that he needs to hurry up and have babies so mine can have a cousin to grow up with. Unrelated to that she also gets very annoyed if anyone says baby looks like me? And makes weird comments that show a crazy attachment to my baby
For example I left a pair of DD socks by accident and she said she kissed them every night till she was reunited with her. She also said if she closes her eyes and thinks of DD she can smell her and her heart feels at rest. Abit much for me in all honesty

Next time she says anything like this ai would look her in the eye and tell that you’re worried about her, she’s becoming possessive and competitive and this isn’t normal behaviour. You’re worried about how this could affect your child, baby already has two parents, she doesn’t need a third. Baby has two extended families who love her too.

Blueskydontcry · 16/01/2024 05:40

Yes I agree, by saying something like "that's really rude" or "thats a really horrible thing to say" you call out the behaviour publicity.

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