MIL wants baby to be closer to my husband and snatches her away

[Raspberrylemon123]

Hi, I'm fairly new to Mumsnet so please be kind! I'm a new mum, baby is 4m and my first. I had a good relationship with IL and MIL before baby although I did notice a possessive quality she has towards her own children. Didn't bother me much, I was just glad baby was going to be so loved. After she was born, MIL turned into a possessive monster, wanted baby to be around/held by ONLY her, FIL and their children (sils&bil). She was over every night and would look angry/upset if my family over were spending time with baby and drove them home early every time with her rude behaviour towards them (they're pretty shy so didn't want to cause conflict). She then started showing possessiveness with baby and my husband, complaining its not fair he has to go to work and also if we go over or she is at ours she continues to snatch baby off me and takes her to my husband for kisses etc... I don't understand, yes I'm at home with her but I make sure he gets all her best moments when she's fed and happy etc. They spend plenty of time together. MIL also constantly says she loves her dad more etc and will get visibly irritated if anyone around us tells me I'm a good mum etc. Can't take it anymore and just needed to rant to a non family member I guess.

I appreciate that but you have the baby all day. You can probably understand why someone else wants to cuddle her, whoever they are, so I am saying take the opportunity for a break away from your baby.

This will change. Be wary of the posters telling you to go nuclear, snatch the baby back, say "NOOOO", leave the room in a huff. Once you've damaged a family relationship it's very difficult to get it back.

What will also change is that your MIL's over enthusiasm will not matter in a year's time. There'll be different issues then, other challenges that come as your baby grows.

Alienating your husband's side of the family will not help you in the long run. Your husband won't thank you for going nuclear on them either.

Take the control. Have some empathy with why your family are excited to bond with your baby and try to use the time for yourself when you can. You do not need to constantly be attached to your baby. Other people can feed her to give you a break. I guess your Mum does and your husband? It seems you allow your Mum to do far more with her which is understandable because you trust her.

All I'm saying is don't push your husband's family out too hard because you'll be grateful for the childcare when you go back to work or just fancy a night out or a break from the terrible twos.

@2pence I do understand all this and appreciate this point of view. I grew up with 2 loving sides of the family and was close to everyone. It's a big reason I have stayed quiet and allowed her to make me feel this way. There are boundaries that have been ignored and yet I still have not alienated anyone. I visit, send pictures and also sit like an absolute lemon whilst my baby gets passed around to everyone else including my husband. I loved baby cuddles before I had a baby so I understand that also. What I don't understand is my baby NOT BEING ALLOWED to glance in my direction incase she loves me too much. She is forced upon her dad with the intention of making her closer to him. I also haven't said I let my mum do more with her? I feed her myself around mum also. But my mum tells me im a good mum, my mil told her daughters to be quiet because theyre talking too loudly when they said im a good mum 😂 its very clear cut i am doing my bit. I said my family do more around the house for me whilst I feed play cuddle etc, not more with baby. I totally umderstand your point but feels like you haven't really read much about what I said is happening and assume I'm treating her different to my mum when that wasn't the case, after this behaviour has gone on for 4 months is when I turned for advice x

OP you sound like you’ve been very accommodating and very reasonable.

Your MIL sounds like a very tricky character (mine is too). I’ve dealt with it by trying to give her as little space in my head as possible.

Keep doing what you’re doing - tolerate the craziness as much as you can. Try not to let it wind you up.

But I also wouldn’t just let her snatch your baby out of your arms, that’s not okay. Try to think of a few ways of saying no in advance like “she’s happy over here for now, you can have a cuddle a bit later”.

And the advice you're getting is to say "No" forcibly, snatch her back. Do you really think this is the way forward?

Does your husband get involved with the baby when he's home? Is he bonded with her as you are?

My main point is that this really won't matter in a few months time so how you handle it now is important.

Why can't your husband have the baby while you are there? There's a difference between her looking at you and crying to be returned to you.

These months are bloody hard, I remember them well. You'll be out the other side soon enough, don't make your life harder is what I would advise.

If you have another you'll be actively looking for people to take the baby while you deal with your daughter. The Precious First Born stereotype doesn't come from nowhere.

@Hazelnuttella thank you ❤️❤️

@2pence husband is extremely involved and has bonded very well with baby. She lights up when he walks into the room, but naturally wants her mum to sleep and settle with which bothers my mil. She is a relatively easy going baby, I sleep through the night and she's very active and naps well etc. I haven't found motherhood tough whatsoever and have enjoyed every minute. When i was pregnant and before mil and her family told me countless times her babies loved her so much and were so attached to her and she says it with great pride that they wouldn't be around anyone else without crying, she loves that. Therefore confusing for me that she doesn't want me to be close to my child.

@Raspberrylemon123 how are you today? Hope u r well and enjoying baby x

How many hours a day is your MIL there?

I don't understand how your husband holding his own baby and sharing this time with his mother and family will damage the bond that you have with her?

Of course she should be returned to you if she's crying for you but don't you think your husband needs to learn to settle her too?

2pence This MIL is taking baby out of the OP's arms. Repeatedly. Telling her the baby loves daddy more than mummy. Behave. Or at least go back and read all the OP's posts.

I was going to say the same the MIL is being a bitch end of 2pence sounds like she is a MIL to me not all MILs are a pain but some can be really overbearing all the time I wish my MIL a was still around she was one of the good ones

So go nuclear over something the baby won't understand and damage the relationship?

Or take control and decide that husband has his baby when his family are there (for however long they are) unless baby is crying for Mum.

Like I say, this feels massive now but won't matter next year.

Husband should have bonding time with baby so prevent MIL forcing it by handing her over to him to take control of the situation so she can't be "snatched " from her mother.

Going into all out attack mode will help absolutely no one in this situation.

Nope, my kids are teens. Not a MIL.

What's not saying baby is having bonding time with dad and it's just mother in law being overbearing some baby's just like to be with there mum all the time and there is nothing wrong with that it's not about that baby will remember it or not it's the OP does not like it and she shouldn't have to put up with it in her own home end of

That's why I asked how long they're there for. Are they there every night for hours and hours?

My advice is let husband sort out how his family deal with his baby. Otherwise Mum becomes the villain.

Some terrible advice on here. I can understand how the MIL dynamic comes about after reading some of the replies.

My own MIL was great. Offered crap advice that I took with a pinch of salt and largely ignored but loved my kids unconditionally. I miss her terribly.

My step-MIL wants my DD out my arms and into hers the second she sees us. I remember walking into the room with newborn DD and the first thing out her mouth was ‘Can I have a cuddle?’.

I’ve reset the boundary with her now. When she walks towards me to take DD I turn my back and hold DD close. She’s confident enough to ignore the obvious body language and still asks so I reply ‘she’s fine with me at the moment.’

There’s still work to do, the last time she held DD and I went to take her back MIL put her arms across DD and loudly said ‘No!’ Then drank a hot drink with DD in her arms which she knows we don’t allow.

I think some women self appoint themselves as matriarch but MIL isn’t matriarch of my little family! Standing up to her may feel scary in the moment but I promise it gets easier with practice and you’ll feel better about yourself afterwards knowing you spoke up.

Good luck.

@kirsty2023 much better today thank you after having slept on it. dh is at work but will have a chat tonight. Thank you to you and @Crikeyisthatthetime for understanding.

@2pence I am not a horrible person who can't see my child be loved by others. But getting angry when my family hold baby or see baby, smirking or getting annoyed when someone calls me a good mum and oh did I forget to mention calling herself my baby's mother and making other odd comments such as 'oh baby, you wish you could be with me all the time but mummy won't let you' . Ignoring me the entire time I visit, turning babies face away from me when she cries for mum or wants me etc etc are all reasons I made this thread. Please read my answers through this thread before constantly trying to make out as if I am the one who is causing the problem. I let baby be loved as much as possible and have explained I am tolerating all this because I want her to love all grandparents aunts and uncles not just my side. I'd happily take bad advice from my mil, this is a little more than that.

You clearly didn't read any of the OP's replies.

MIL is also incredibly rude to OP's family and being jealous if they interact with her DD.

It's not nuclear to set some boundaries and not allow rude and controlling behaviour.

God what you need is a wrap for this baby on you. And a lot of boundaries.

Your MIL is being deranged by her age and knowledge that the child isn't hers. Her husband should really talk to her.!

She also sounds like the type to be extremely uninterested by the time the baby grows to a child with its own thoughts. That may or may not comfort you, but don't give her special treatment above anyone else. You will regret it later because her expectations will be confirmed.

That's good to hear ur doing good sorry was feeding baby u more than welcome I'm always here if u want to chat x

I'm not saying you're a horrible person but asking if this is the hill you want to die on (metaphorically)?

Agree with others that the bloom will soon wear off once your MIL gets used to being a grandmother.

Honestly, let your husband deal with this. Don't become the villain, particularly as she sounds extremely manipulative.

Do the sets of parents turn up at the same time? Is it a bit like "my turn now" when she gets there because others have been there during the day? How long is MIL there? Is it every night?

I will echo what others have said, you can't change her so if the time is short, let your husband take over the care of his own baby for that time. Sit back, have a cuppa. If baby cries, then let him try to settle her (as he is her Dad) and then back to you. Make sure he knows this.

I would not recommend starting WW3 over this, you have plenty of other battles ahead.

I agree her behaviour is totally batshit but personally I find things easier to deal with if I can understand why they might be happening.

I’m just wondering if MiL is getting some deep seated satisfaction from seeing her child holding/cuddling their child.

We don’t know if a friend of hers has lost contact with their grandchild because the parents have separated and this has stoked her anxiety.
People do crazy things when they’re in love and it’s pretty clear your MiL is in love with your DD.

It’s a leap I know but there has to be some explanation for her acting like this. JFDIYOLO’s advice is spot on and I wish you and your DH strength and success in dealing with MiL.

@Ihaveamagicwand she does get that deep satisfaction but I think she is just possessive simple as. I think before baby was born she saw me as a DIL. After baby she sees my dh as her son, my dd as her granddaughter (blood relatives) and me now as a stranger who takes her baby away and shares it with other people. And also she wanted to be my baby's mother as she kept telling me she's an amazing mum and to not bother with midwives. So it's nothing to do with anxiety she's just a jealous person and can't share

U shouldn't have to share her with Mil she is ur baby not hers she's had her kids now it's ur turn I really feel for u @Raspberrylemon123 xx

OP how did you get on?

She absolutely gives me the creeps. Passive aggressive comments to baby about you in front of you. Whats that all about!!!!! You have evey right to totally fall out with her (not recommending you do this, but you're allowed to!) boundaries and asserting them strongly are your friend here and your dp absolutely needs to be told, not asked, what's what. Enough is enough.