MIL wants baby to be closer to my husband and snatches her away

[Raspberrylemon123]

Hi, I'm fairly new to Mumsnet so please be kind! I'm a new mum, baby is 4m and my first. I had a good relationship with IL and MIL before baby although I did notice a possessive quality she has towards her own children. Didn't bother me much, I was just glad baby was going to be so loved. After she was born, MIL turned into a possessive monster, wanted baby to be around/held by ONLY her, FIL and their children (sils&bil). She was over every night and would look angry/upset if my family over were spending time with baby and drove them home early every time with her rude behaviour towards them (they're pretty shy so didn't want to cause conflict). She then started showing possessiveness with baby and my husband, complaining its not fair he has to go to work and also if we go over or she is at ours she continues to snatch baby off me and takes her to my husband for kisses etc... I don't understand, yes I'm at home with her but I make sure he gets all her best moments when she's fed and happy etc. They spend plenty of time together. MIL also constantly says she loves her dad more etc and will get visibly irritated if anyone around us tells me I'm a good mum etc. Can't take it anymore and just needed to rant to a non family member I guess.

Next time she tries to snatch baby say loudly “no!” For all to hear. “You are snatching her ! We do not snatch” . You are going to have to treat this woman like the child she is, boundaries must be put in place. Tell her firmly that she can’t come over and for gods sake ! Take your baby back from people that you don’t want to hold her , you are her mother and you have got to find a voice or your marriage is going to crumble under this.

Bloody hell OP! She is awful! Awful, vile woman to a new mother, unforgivable! That ir she has serious MH issues and needs a psychiatrist pronto. Or a mixture of both!

In any event, you, DH and DD need to cut her off now. Maybe not entirely to keep some form of peace, but severely, and I mean severely limit contact. She has an obsession with your DD, unhealthy, and it will be problematic and bad for DD as she grows up. She will pick up on MILs vibe and behaviour towards you, and I'm positive MIL would turn her against you. You cannot let this happen.

Honestly, if she continues to treat you this appallingly, DH and you need to tell her to FO. Primarily your DH. Tell him everything about her and continue to do so.

She is driving your anxiety through the roof! You're a good mum. Don't let this creepy woman stress you out unnecessarily! Her behaviour towards you is outrageous. I'm so sorry you're going through this now xx

Tell her that she has deep seated issues which she needs therapy for and you're not exposing your child to anymore of her batshittery she Niro she sorts herself out.

Then you completely cut her off. This is supposed to be a happy time for you and your little family, your daughter will be picking up on emotions and learning from an early age about interactions what she's bringing to your daughter isn't a responsible or loving, it's damaging and malicious.

Sort it out now or you'll regret it in the future.

@SallyWD she is not a tantrum kind of person!!!! Ever... she is not loud etc and does raise her voice. I think would more cry and say she didn't know she was doing anything wrong kinda person... but then continue tobe possessive after apologising? She never shouts or argues with anyone. Hence my problem here as I don't want to do so either then

You're only going through this time with your daughter once. Nobody will ever bring it back to you to relive and enjoy like you deserve. Another child will be another child, it won't compensate for the time you lost with your daughter being worried and upset because of horrid people making it a misery for you.

I am speaking from experience. Don't let this happen to you. It's better to have them out of your life entirely or as much as possible, they have no right to ruin this time for you and DD, or any time in your life going forward for that matter. Boundaries, boundaries and once again boundaries. Don't feel sorry for them, they weren't on your side through their own choice in the first place. No loss here.

OP her behaviour is affecting your mental health. Use these words to your DH and suggest that maybe you need a month at your parents (with him coming over to visit often) so that you can reset your mental health.

And that you will visit MIL with him once a month (or whatever you can get away with - not more than once a week though) for an afternoon (and no more)

He must be on your "side" here. You are his family unit.

This family sounds bonkers to me. I've never heard others go round saying baby loves Daddy most or baby loves Mummy most. It's just ridiculous. Your MiL sounds besotted with her first dgd. But don't let her push your family out. Can you go to your Mum's with your baby instead of her always coming to you? Don't let others snatch baby from you, if you see her approaching to snatch baby, stand up with her and turn around and walk off with her.

@Aussiegirl88 Good for you. I got the Ick just reading that.

I will take everything on board, I have to be honest I don't tell DH everything because I hate to create issues or ruffle feathers and it has done me fine in life so far but concerning my DD I can't do it anymore. She is more important to me and that's why I reached out for advice

OP, you need to be firm and honest. Be as polite as possible, but firm. Your MIL is going to react badly because quite frankly she sounds batshit, but that's her business. You can't control her reaction, so stop worrying about it.

I would honestly just flip overnight, easing into it is pointless. Next time she does something like try to take the baby from you when you don't want her to, just simply do not let her. All you have to say is something like "actually I'd like to hold him right now". There's nothing unreasonable about that. If she chooses to get upset, that's a shame but if you know you're being fair and reasonable then shrug your shoulders and let her sulk. She'll soon learn she can't bully you.

YOU are in charge here, not her. There is no her "letting" you have your baby back when she snatches him. YOU are the baby's mother, you're in charge.

If you're a quiet, shy polite person who's maybe never come up against manipulative controlling bonkers behaviour before, it can be incredibly stressful and upsetting.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this as well as new baby, hormones and healing and the different world when two become three.

Having to create a strategy at a time which could be calm, coccooning, supportive and kind isn't fair.

And your DH isn't being fair either.

Your family unit is mother&baby + father. It doesn't include an entitled intruder which is what she is.

He's grown up with this so unfortunately it's embedded in his mind to enable her. They're both used to it, this is their normal. Do you want it to be yours and your child/ren's?

He should have seen it and dealt with it but hasn't, so you do have a DH problem, you shouldn't have to be dealing with that right now, yet here we are.

Time for him to step up, take his number one role of husband and father with you, as the centre of your story.

I'd recommend writing everything down.

Remind him that you and baby are his focus and centre now.

How you're feeling after the birth.

What you and the baby want and need from him now - to make this stop:

The snatching and witholding when you need to be close to the baby.

The attempts to undermine you as mother when you need to be recognised and respected.

Scornful behaviour towards your family, when you need harmony and support.

Set it all out calmly and clearly, how her behaviour makes you feel, what needs to stop and what you require from him - to speak with her and tell her what needs to happen from now on.

Remember - you have RIGHTS. And your status has changed - being a mother gives you duties and responsibilities.

So you need to step up too - it's going to be hard and will involve changing how you think, feel and behave.

Breathe from your diaphragm not your chest - it will give your voice power and resonance, make you feel calmer, stronger and supported.

Practice saying NO in the mirror. Calmly and assertively. Eye contact and a neutral expression and tone of voice.

Practice stating what is going to happen. Give baby back now, it's time for me to feed, change etc.

Practice the three part sentence for assertiveness:
I understand …
However …
Therefore …

I understand you enjoy holding the baby.
However it's time for me to feed her now
Therefore I'm taking her to the bedroom.

NO.

Practice the broken record assertiveness technique. Repeat yourself, same words, same tone of voice, same expression, no more information. Nothing she can seize on.

Just on repeat - and make sure others can hear and observe what you're dealing with.

Then I'd also recommend reaching out to your own family and friends, if you haven't already, setting the same issues out and asking for their support, and what you need them to do if she starts acting up in their presence. Agree a strategy with your support network.

Asking for help is the first step to getting it. And doing it in writing can be easier if you're not used to it.

All the very best. Let us know. XX

Well done OP on reaching out here. I think you can see you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.
Have a good chat with your husband. Explain how you feel. And what you need to happen. He has to achieve that with you.
You will achieve boundaries for your new little family.
Your MIL had her children this is your turn now.

This all excellent advice. Do this!

Thank you everyone. Your advice is giving me the confidence boost I needed. I couldn't Breastfeed so she is formula fed, she insisted she wants to feed her but I did put my foot down about that and say she only likes to be fed by me and wont finish the bottle otherwise. That's one thing I did successfully do

@JFDIYOLO thank you so much for kind of spelling it out for me. I struggle with my words and this has really really helped to structure my conversations in a way I don't just shout and appear defensive without my words having much substance. Thank you xx

Good luck! You can do this!

You need to take some control of the situation.

To do this first you need to accept that your MIL is coming round because she wants to spend time cuddling the baby. When babies are this age and immobile everyone is keen for a cuddle, this changes quite quickly when they become wiggly and verbal so it's not forever, just a small span of time that you have to tolerate it.

You could control this aspect. Make it your choice. Don't wait for her to be "snatched", you decide who holds her. Whether this is your husband or another relative, not necessarily your MIL.

If you're spending all day with your baby, take the time that other people are cuddling and cooing to do something for yourself, even if this is spending time relaxing with a cuppa. The first 6 months are an intense time because your baby is so helpless but soon she'll be moving around independently, starting to speak, starting to walk and this will change.

Nothing is forever. The only constant is that things change.

If you don't feel strong enough to decide who gets the first cuddle, make sure Dad has baby when they arrive so MIL can't take him off you.

We often assume selfish intent but perhaps MIL remembers the bewildering early months and wants your husband to step up more to give you some time for yourself. Is it largely you doing everything for your daughter currently?

It's my pleasure. I train leadership, difficult conversations, performance management skills - and this is all from what I teach in my sessions in coping with difficult individuals in a work environment.

It translates perfectly well into private life.

You have a team member who's performance and behaviour is undermining the team and as a new young leader with huge new responsibilities no-one's ever trained you how to manage them so you're having to do it and it feels you're all by yourself.

But you're not alone, you have a giant unseen support network here!

@2pence she is not wanting to help to take a load off me. I was managing well as my family when they were over did all the things I don't want to e.g. cleaning laundry etc so I could cuddle my DD and bond. Mil wants to do the cuddling and bonding which I don't see as helpful

Can you wear a baby sling? X

Your MIL is waking all over you because you and your DH let her.

If you don't enforce your boundaries, it will get worse. I am surprised your DH is not speaking to his DM more sternly. He should intervene every time she makes her comments about your baby loving him the most. If you both just keep visiting her every time she asks, sit there quietly while she snatches the baby then this will never change and get worse.

I would have a conversation with your DH and tell him you need him to step up asap. I would stop visiting MIL so often until she calms down and can act like a normal human being. I would ask for support from your parents and sister.

I can understand you are shy and don't want to rock the boat, but nothing will change if you and your DH don't learn how to stand up for yourself and put in some boundaries.

@Th10 she's 4 months now and quite a strong active baby so prefers to explore from my lap/lay down and kick etc

This is completely bizarre behaviour.

Definitely limit visits, and only see her when DH is there. You have no obligation to let her come and see the baby when he’s out at work.

Can you send him round to visit with the baby for an hour or so at the weekend without you so you don’t have to put up with this madness?

@Hazelnuttella I think I'd have more anxiety him going alone!! Baby is so LITTLE and some of the weird possessive things she says to her creep me out x

Thank you everyone. Your advice is giving me the confidence boost I needed. I couldn't Breastfeed so she is formula fed, she insisted she wants to feed her but I did put my foot down about that and say she only likes to be fed by me and wont finish the bottle otherwise. That's one thing I did successfully do

Amazing! See, you can do it

You can't change her, but you can CHANGE how do respond to these situations.

You have control. Decided your boundaries and be clear.

Every time she snatches your DD I'd would snatch her back, give no explanation. If she becomes hositle, angry. I would leave the room etc.

Invite whoever you want to see your DD, its nothing to do with you MIL.

Be limited on what you tell her, she doesn't need to know.

When she phones, either don't answer or say I'm very busy will call in a few days. Again give no explaination.

I think you need space away from your MIL to reflect and see what kind of relationship you want and dont want.

good luck, I did this was my DM (my MIL was wonderful and I miss her).