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Original poster

Help. I'm a step mum with one baby and I want more

128 replies

SodaPoppy · 11/06/2023 06:30

I need some advice/help.
I desperately want another baby. My DH does not.
3 years ago, his ex wife killed herself and I took on his two children, 6 and 9, without hesitation. We were only 11 months into the relationship at the time. We then tried to have one of our own and we lost her at 22 weeks. We have just had our rainbow baby and he is 5 months old and I want to have another. I feel like I made a huge sacrifice taking on his children and I didn't know that the small print was that I was swapping my own children for them. If I had known, it may have been different but we are amazing as a couple and I don't want to leave to have another baby. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 11/06/2023 06:36

Take things slowly, babies get harder and you might not feel the same in a few months. Just enjoy your baby for now and then have the conversation later. I don't really see the point in talking but it just yet as it may cause more harm than good.

UnaVaca · 11/06/2023 06:38

Your baby is only five months old, see how you go?

GP75 · 11/06/2023 06:38

If he really doesn't want another and you do there's no choice but to move on. No-one is in the wrong, sounds like life rushed you both into a relationship that probably isn't quite right as you both want different thing's

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Original poster
SodaPoppy · 11/06/2023 07:13

GP75 that's not an option for me. I guess I would rather go without than lose him because he is an incredible partner. We are engaged and I couldn't imagine ever not having him by my side. I just wish so badly that he wanted another baby with me. I wanted our little girl so much

OP posts:
Original poster
SodaPoppy · 11/06/2023 07:14

I guess but one of his reasons is that he had his other two young and doesn't want to be parenting forever so as each month passes I worry that it's solidifying his reason

OP posts:
atthebottomofthehill · 11/06/2023 07:21

No one could have foreseen this situation when you got together.

Baby is only 5 months old, the way you and he feel now is not necessarily how you will feel in a years time.

Give him and yourself some time and space to enjoy your daughter rather than already thinking about another baby.

Try to stay present and enjoy what you have. What will be will be. Getting pregnant right now will not help anyone.

soupmaker · 11/06/2023 07:22

Congratulations on your wee one. What age are the older children now?

There are lots of practical reasons for sticking at 3.

You say you want a girl, but no guarantee of that either.

See how you feel once you've a toddler and the two older ones. You might find that's a lot harder work!

soupmaker · 11/06/2023 07:25

Sorry, just reread that. I'm so sorry you lost your girl. I know how much that hurts too.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 07:30

you are at a fork. Leave and have a baby. Stay and don’t.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 07:31

I can’t see that your dh is great.
you are asking for one child. Lucky him with his two. And he’s denying you this

SheilaFentiman · 11/06/2023 07:35

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.

You are a family of 5 now and that is already quite a lot to support financially and emotionally, especially with the older kids having lost their mum so tragically. Give it at least a year.

SheilaFentiman · 11/06/2023 07:36

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 07:31

I can’t see that your dh is great.
you are asking for one child. Lucky him with his two. And he’s denying you this

The DH also has a right to an opinion about how many children he has, especially as they all live together.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 07:36

Wait you have a baby
ok so very different view now

arethereanyleftatall · 11/06/2023 07:36

I'm sorry op, but the reality is you can't have what you want.

If you want another baby, you have to leave him.

If you want to stay with him, you can't have another baby.

That's the reality. The party not wanting a baby absolutely and utterly trumps the one who does. It has to be that way. If your only way of having a baby is to coerce/manipulate/persuade him to have a baby he doesn't want, that isn't very fair on the baby at all, and that would make it selfish.

Also, you say you didn't know you wouldn't be able to have babies, and his would become yours, did you not talk about this right at the beginning?

Life has given you 3 children, in a different way to your wants. Focus on them.

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 07:37

I thought he was denying you any children

you have one already

SheilaFentiman · 11/06/2023 07:38

“Also, you say you didn't know you wouldn't be able to have babies, and his would become yours, did you not talk about this right at the beginning?”

I imagine the crisis of dealing with two bereaved and bewildered children less than a year in took the focus.

Persipan · 11/06/2023 07:44

I think you need to be cautious about bringing your bereaved stepchildren into this when speaking with your partner as you sound quite resentful towards them and I'm sure you wouldn't want that to start coming across in your relationship with them or him. There is not a world in which you could opt not to take them in and have that result in their father agreeing to have more than one child with you. You know that, deep down. I get where the feelings are coming from - what if things were different? - but things are as they are and everyone in the situation needs love and grace.

A difference in whether or not partners want to have more (or any) children is something that can cause real heartbreak in relationships and that's very, very sad but it doesn't mean either you or your partner are wrong about your own feelings. They're just the feelings you have. Sometimes they won't be aligned. Sometimes people can get past that in a relationship, and sometimes they can't.

You have been through a LOT and I'm wondering whether you have any support with that? Some counselling, just for you, might be a really good way to explore and connect with some of your feelings and explore them in a non-judgemental space. All the best to you and your family.

rightioly · 11/06/2023 07:44

I didn't know that the small print was that I was swapping my own children for them I think this is the sort of thing that should be discussed early on. So about a year into my relationship with DH I knew he'd only consider 1 more and before he reached a certain age. We got lucky that it worked out but it was looking like it wouldn't and I do remember at that stage how gut wrenching that was. Helping raise someone else's children while desperately wanting my own.

As PP have said your little one is still quite young so I would give it a bit more time.

Is it partially a financial thing - kids are expensive. Do you work? Could you get a better job so you take on more of the financial load?

parrotonthesofa · 11/06/2023 07:55

Your baby is only 5 months. Enjoy him and his baby days. Enjoy the other kids to which you have taken on the role as their mother.
Come back to this question in a year or so when your baby is older.
It may be that your DH cannot imagine having another baby because you currently have a baby. Give it time and have a reasonable discussion together about it when baby is a bit older.

UsethisUsername · 11/06/2023 07:57

OP I’m very sorry for your pregnancy loss but pleased you have a lovely 5 month old.

Does your DH think that him saying no to having another baby means you will just accept that and stay continuing to bring up all 3 children with him? Because that’s lovely and easy for him isn’t it.

I’d be brutal and say the choices are:

  1. I stay and we have another baby and bring up 4 children together
  2. I go with the baby in order to start a new life where I at least have the chance of having another and he brings up his two children and you co-parent your baby together
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2023 08:00

Rightiothen13 · 11/06/2023 07:31

I can’t see that your dh is great.
you are asking for one child. Lucky him with his two. And he’s denying you this

He has three children. Two with his ex wife and one with the op. And he js done.

MissTrip82 · 11/06/2023 08:00

I think that’s pretty much always the fine print isn’t it? If you already have children you don’t tend to have as many as you would if you didn’t. I imagine he’s also mindful that his older children have been through so much in a very short space of time.

The suggestions to leave I find incredible. Really, people would tear apart their family, inflict damage on their child and on children who are already grieving , for another baby? Fuck me. Thank God you people aren’t the stepmothers to grieving children.

SheilaFentiman · 11/06/2023 08:04

UsethisUsername · 11/06/2023 07:57

OP I’m very sorry for your pregnancy loss but pleased you have a lovely 5 month old.

Does your DH think that him saying no to having another baby means you will just accept that and stay continuing to bring up all 3 children with him? Because that’s lovely and easy for him isn’t it.

I’d be brutal and say the choices are:

  1. I stay and we have another baby and bring up 4 children together
  2. I go with the baby in order to start a new life where I at least have the chance of having another and he brings up his two children and you co-parent your baby together

This really smacks of emotional blackmail. Of course the DH won’t want his 9 and 12 year old kids to lose the woman who has been mothering them for the last 3 years. Is that a good basis for him to father another child?

GoodVibesHere · 11/06/2023 08:10

OP how are things going with your baby boy? At 5 months he's still a tiny baby. Are you enjoyimg time with him, are you besotted with him? Those early baby months and first couple of years go so quickly.

You are grieving your baby girl still perhaps. But I hope you can enjoy your beautiful boy.

UsethisUsername · 11/06/2023 08:16

@SheilaFentiman
I don’t think presenting the potential consequences of his choices is emotional blackmail. He probably doesn’t see another baby as a big deal because he has had 3. He’s entitled not to want more but OP is entitled to want another and to make it clear that if they can’t get on the same page what is likely to happen.