Help. I'm a step mum with one baby and I want more

[SodaPoppy]

I need some advice/help.
I desperately want another baby. My DH does not.
3 years ago, his ex wife killed herself and I took on his two children, 6 and 9, without hesitation. We were only 11 months into the relationship at the time. We then tried to have one of our own and we lost her at 22 weeks. We have just had our rainbow baby and he is 5 months old and I want to have another. I feel like I made a huge sacrifice taking on his children and I didn't know that the small print was that I was swapping my own children for them. If I had known, it may have been different but we are amazing as a couple and I don't want to leave to have another baby. Any suggestions?

I really don't think it's fair or helpful to tell someone struggling with this that they need to be thinking about their SC.

I didn't mean it harshly, what I mean is, she needs to think about this decision like any other parent thinking about adding a child and the one thing I ALWAYS say is you can't just think about yourself once you have children, it's a biological urge, if we didn't think about other people we would likely all be slave to our hormones, it has to be a practical decision; whether the older kids are SC, or your own, you need to consider what you can provide for them. Adding a child to a family is going to reduce your money and time and this has a severe impact on the children depending on circumstances. So whilst I completely understand OP yearning for a second biological child, she has 3 to think of so has to reframe it.

Don't feel guilty, it's a natural feeling. Obviously it would be wrong to take it out on them - but they are the reason you can't have more children. That's why I think parents in your DPs shoes need to be very mindful and considerate when getting into new relationships, and do everything they can not to make their kids something they negatively impacts their partner in such profound ways. Brushing it off with "everyone has to make sacrifices" is not that. No, everybody doesn't. You do, to be with him. He should be very apologetic about that, and have done everything in his power to avoid putting you in that position if he knew he would only be open to one.

A lot has happened in 3 years. You met someone, took on their bereaved children, list a baby, had a baby.

In the kindest possible way, I’d say slow down. Enjoy your baby. Enjoy your relationship. Give it some time to see how your stepchildren deal with all the changes in their lives. You have so many pressing priorities right now. I wouldn’t make having another baby yet another one currently.

lost a baby, sorry

Leaving is not an option. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to.

so why the thread?

You can’t force him. So you will just have to come to peace with it

Have you been in this position? I'm not trying to be confrontational, I'm just saying that's really not helpful. Pertinent advice if her actually having a baby was a possibility, but this is just about her coming to terms with it not happening.

She isn't a mother of 3 so her feelings will be different to somebody who was. The older children are already the reason she can't have more, rubbing salt in the wound by saying "just think about it like they're all your kids" is stifling and likely to make her feel resentful. She needs space to be able to think about her feelings as an individual, and a mother of one, not pressured to bury those feelings and pretend she has 3 kids, on top of the physical sacrifices she's already having to make.

Have wonderful SC and my own lovely older children but glad we had 2 of our own as well. Particularly with the large age gaps between our 1st DC and the other children, it’s nice they’ve got a sibling to ‘grow up with’ as only 3 year gap and just nice to have had 2 of our own together. I would be happy to have another but not really as strong argument for that 🤣 Given that Dh isn’t keen, happy enough to stay as we are now

The idea that thinking about what’s potentially in the best interest step children and that stopping me from having a second child…. Shudder.

I also have an almost 5 month old and I feel so broody I think this is slightly due to feeling he's growing up so fast an part of me wanting the tiny newborn back! I'm also facing the idea of not having another one (due to dad leaving and my age by the time I met someone else and got to know them I might be too old) which is sad but I'm just trying to focus on enjoying my current small boy now. I would wait and see how you both feel when he is one. I wonder what the particular concerns of your husband are (money? Sleepless nights?) and if anything could be done to resolve these x

I have been exactly where you are. 2 SC (although not full time) and one child is of my own.
I wanted another, DH did not.
It felt very unfair for a long time that he got to choose to have 3 children but I didn't have the choice to have another without splitting up.
I decided to stay and I have one DD. It took a while but I am at peace with that now.

@aSofaNearYou I recognise that I do, I'm not saying her feelings are irrational, I get it. But there must come a point where you have to take accountability for the fact you married INTO a family, a man with 2 children to consider. Was there really no foresight to think that her having 2 children means her DH has to decide to have 4 which is not an insignificant amount. And no I do not think the suicide factors here, he was always a father to 2 kids, and whilst it's easy to discount the kids that don't live with you (unfortunately) they should be factored, in this situation it's just more unavoidable due to the loss of the mother. I mean is it really so awful to say to the OP, look here, you're the adult, the kids have lost their mum, they are being blended, is another child in their benefit? If you're not willing to make the moral call on those decisions, a blended family was probably not the right move. It's shit, but it's why I would avoid the situation at all costs, because no, I probably wouldn't be able to do what's right for children that aren't mine.

Yes, I think it is pretty awful to say that. She's already not having another kid because of them. Now she needs support coming to terms with what that means for her, she doesn't need someone else rubbing salt in the wound by further encouraging her to think only of them. That's a given. At least allow her the luxury of not having to put them first in her own grieving process mentally.

And yes they should have discussed it beforehand, but that's more on him than her, if he was only open to one. She's a young woman who wanted kids of her own - he should have been clear that only one was on the cards.

Actually he has three children.

You might not like my response but I think he is being very sensible here and I think it might be a good idea to ask him if this is a permanent decision or one he might consider revisiting in time.

In the space of 3 years, you have a new partner, 2 step children, the loss of your own child, the birth of a child, and the loss of his ex partner.

That is more than most relationships endure in a lifetime.

I suspect that he is still dealing with the grief of the loss of the mother of his children (not so much for him directly but more on children's behalf), there is also the loss of your child together which must be devasting for both of you and while the delight of your new baby is a huge positive, it doesn't cancel out the grief of everything else. It's a lot of deal with emotionally for all of you.

If I were him, I think I would be craving a period of stability at the moment. Time for you all to heal, rebuild and enjoy life together as the 5 of you. The grief won't ever go away but there will come a time where it is more manageable.

Perhaps, you too, could benefit from a period of stability to. You have gone from a mum of none to 4 in a very short space of time and the fact one of those children is no longer with you must be devastating.

I'm not saying he will change his mind, in fact, he probably won't but you don't want to leave anyway & also you still have time of your side if you chose differently in a few years. Focus on thoroughly enjoying the family you currently, perhaps have some counselling individually and separately.

Wishing you everything good, you sound like a very caring person, mum and partner.

I agree about not trying for another baby until the little one is a bit older as toddlers are a totally different kettle of fish to 5 month olds and given the delicate circumstances, the last thing you want to add to the mix is the extra strain of such a close age gap! However I don’t think it’s fair at all to expect OP to have to discount the idea of having 2 children . There’s a huge difference in the whole experience of having 1 or 2 children, for OP, DC and the family. Personally I would make it clear to DH you will want one more child in the future but happy to wait 2-3 more years then leave it at that. Enjoy your baby and family for the next few years (much more time to enjoy her and your SC while you’ve only got the one DC) and then bring it up with DH again at that point in the future

I'd bring it up when baby's a bit older. No need to decide anything now.

My husband agreed to two (actually 5 when we started dating in our late teens/ early 20s but reality has since hit me). I'm now thinking id like a third which he's not on board with. (Currently 38 weeks pregnant with our second)

Ultimately I'm happy with two but I'm not ruling out a third and we can discuss it in the future. If it's a firm no then that's fine with me and I'm happy.

As long as you're happy to stay in your situation which I think I would be in your place. You've got 3 children really, just 1 that you birthed.

OP, you and your family sound strong and devoted to each other.

All credit to you and your DH for building this team through so much tragedy.

I think that couples therapy could be very helpful to you both. It should help you to feel as though your thoughts are validated and important.

While you're reaching this decision, enjoy your little baby boy. Such a precious time.
And make sure you feel able to think about your lost baby girl too - it must be to hard seeing your son experience things that your daughter won't.

I feel for you, this can't be at all easy. But don't let it spoil what you have.

I am glad you are going to couples therapy, it is important that you feel heard and understood.

The same reason most of us do - a space to explore feelings safely and anonymously, to hear the stories of others and to see if there is any advice or path we haven’t thought of.

OP, your DH became a father at 19? That’s very young and a high proportion of his life so far.

Revisit this when your baby is 2, you may not feel the same, he may not feel the same. But yes when you are in a relationship with a person with existing children then it does mean that the decision to have more children is complicated. I don't have any with my dp (we both have adult children) i would have loved another but it simply isn't practical

Your partner had 2 children of his own before he met you. They are now 9 and 12.
His wife dying has ment his children are now in your home fulltime. You and him were only a couple for 11 months before this.
You lost a baby girl. You now have a baby boy who is 5 months old and you want another baby. You, him and is his children have been through a lot in the past 3 year's.

I think that with a 5 month old it very soon to be thinking about another baby. I know woman who had babies very close together and it was very hard going.
I also think that you may want to try for a girl and you could end up with another boy.
Your partner has said that he does not want another child and I can see why because he now has 3 children. His older children are coming into an expensive stage with secondary school and in a few years time they could both be in university at the same time.
He is back at the new born stage again with the baby you share and in effect he has put his life plans back several years by having another baby with you.

You got involved with a man who already had children and I can see his point re not having a 4th child. I think in your circumstances I would enjoy your maternity leave.
If your self employed could you take the odd morning or afternoon off to bring your child to
mother and baby group's? It will help you to met other mothers and give your son time with kids of his age. Can he attend a good nursery/preschool also. As he gets older he will met kids of his age and have friends.
Rather than thinking of a 2nd child I enjoy the child you have together and work on giving all 3 kids the best life possible. You all been through a lot over the past few years and you need a period of calmness now to enjoy the life you currently have.

@Parkandpicnic thanks for your advice but that won't work. He has adamantly said that he never wants any more. My baby son is precious and I would have another now, or in a few years but my DH simply wont

I agree with everything @aSofaNearYou has said. The OP has done an incredible thing taking on these children. It doesn't matter the circumstances as far as OP is concerned, her needs and wants matter just as much as everyone else in the household.
OP, I strongly suggest individual and couples counselling to work through the resentment and to be heard. While the children don't need to hear it, it will do no harm for your husband to acknowledge just how much you have sacrificed. Sometimes the nicest of people need a little reminder. Good luck.

@SheilaFentiman yes he did. He married very young to his childhood sweetheart but they got divorced at 21 due to infidelity on her part. I was hoping for a safe space to let my feelings and worries out. Unfortunately some people don't quite understand. I feel so conflicted. It's making me depressed.

I think this is going to consume you and spoil your experience of motherhood. Your baby is 5 months old and you appear fixated on having another. The fact she's a rainbow baby, you should cherish this time instead of focusing too far into the future.

Nobody is in the wrong here but your fixation will spoil everything.