Help. I'm a step mum with one baby and I want more

[SodaPoppy]

I need some advice/help.
I desperately want another baby. My DH does not.
3 years ago, his ex wife killed herself and I took on his two children, 6 and 9, without hesitation. We were only 11 months into the relationship at the time. We then tried to have one of our own and we lost her at 22 weeks. We have just had our rainbow baby and he is 5 months old and I want to have another. I feel like I made a huge sacrifice taking on his children and I didn't know that the small print was that I was swapping my own children for them. If I had known, it may have been different but we are amazing as a couple and I don't want to leave to have another baby. Any suggestions?

He*

@Ihadenough22 I don't think you quite understand. I'm not desperate to have another right now. I am, however, currently battling with the prospect of that never being a possibility. That's why this is so prevalent right now. I'd happily wait a few years, but my DH says that one of his reasons for not wanting more is because he doesn't want to have to be a dad to young children forever. Therefore having one sooner rather than later may be better. Except that's not his only reason. He wants his time back. He wants to not have to buy a bigger car. More food shopping. More sleepless nights. The money thing, is irrelevant to me. I earn a good wage and he does too. We currently are renting a beautiful big house. We do want to buy but it's not the end of the world when that happens. We are not short on funds and I am the main earner so it's not like I'm putting all the burden on him. He just doesn't want to do it again. I don't see any way that we will have another but at least counselling can help him understand my grief

@pillsthrillsandbellyache thanks. It is nice to hear that people can see how hard it is raising someone elses kids, regardless of how much you love them x
The fact that they lost their mum so tragically just adds to the pain of it all

@Whattodo112222 so what do you suggest? I can't just tell myself to forget about it all. You're right that it is consuming me right now and it's breaking my heart. How can I shelve these feelings?

You've got 3 children really, just 1 that you birthed.

I don't think people realise how awful this is to hear.

@aSofaNearYou right?
Especially because I actually have 4 children. Two may not be mine biologically and one may be an angel but the question of how many kids do you have comes up so often. In my line of work, I meet new people most days and every time I stumble over the answer. 1? 2? 3? 4? Especially if I am with my stepchildren 😔

But what about your DH's feelings in this also?

Nobody's feelings override each other. Neither you or him are in wrong here.

I think as many pp's have suggested.. Counselling may be the best way forward

It's important to remember they you have two deeply traumatised step children. You HAVE to think about what's best for them as well.....

Please remember that YOU matter. Its common for stepmothers to put their needs and wants to the bottom of the pile and I say this a lot but you are no better thought of for it. It becomes expected. Thats not to say the people around you are horrible, its human nature to take the good uns for granted. I know your circumstances are different to most step families and this isn't just to do with you wanting another child but you matter just as much as everyone else. Make sure you are appreciated and heard.

I don't even get why people keep saying you have to think about your SC. OP has already said they have enough money, the SC already have one younger child, they'd be happy with more. This isn't about it not being right for them, it's their dad that doesn't want it.

Honestly I would leave in this situation.
I think your husband is expecting too much from you. It's all take and no give. He has expected you to take on two step-children full time and to give up on the idea of having two children of your own. I think your desire for another child of your own is strong and will lead to resentment down the line. I also think he must have known you wanted more than one child of your own and it is deceitful of him to now go back on this, now he thinks that you are trapped.

I have two children with a big age gap - 7 years

First 8m with first baby? Wow.. I wanted all of the babies. I was gonna have lots.

Once he started moving? Well.. that's why there's an age gap

Second baby - I hit 30 - thought right, better get on with it.

Same thing. Glowing days spent breastfeeding, dressing her, I was just thrilled. I wanted another, in fact - twins, triplets.. yaaaaas, give me babies.

Then she started moving.

Now she's 2 and it's a daily battle to stop her damaging herself/her brother/the cat/my sanity.

DH is booked for the snip ✂️ toddlers are excellent contraceptives.

He told me everyone needs to make sacrifices

And what sacrifice, exactly, is he making?

This.

Yeah, the more I read OP, he's not a nice man.

He doesn't want to be a dad to young children forever? Well he's got a 5mth old now, so if you had another in a year, he's actually trying to justify not parenting for one extra year, but twisting this into a dramatic "forever."

He would have a little more clout if you didn't have a baby already. Or you were saying you wanted your second in ten years time. But you've already got the big age gap by having DS. He's literally saying, as a parent of 5mth old, "oh I can't have another now, I'd be parenting young children forever". It's actually utter rubbish.

It's fine not to want any more, even for the more self indulgent reasons, like wanting more money for himself etc. But, when you've taken on his DC, it's not cool to gaslight you that he'd be parenting young children forever, and telling you "everyone needs to make sacrifices.". He doesn't apparently.

Your child has 2 siblings , having small age gaps doesn’t necessarily make sibling relationships better or closer .

@InceyWinceySpidy I agree tbh. It's not fashionable to come across like you're pressuring someone into having a baby when they don't want one... but if my main reason was not wanting to be a dad of young children forever but my youngest was 5 months, and I was a man who wouldn't be carrying the baby and likely wouldn't be doing the bulk of the tiring newborn care, and I knew the thought of not having another was really hurting my wife who had selflessly taken on my two other children... then I'd probably just do it for her sake.

It would only add one-two years onto his time of raising young children vs potentially a lifetime of hurt for her.

I don't think you should leave or accept status quo without going further.

You need to be heard. You have given & given & given.

I wouldn't wait much longer. If his reason is genuine then a year longer parenting small kids when you already have a baby isn't a big deal.

Book therapy ASAP .

As you say, it may get you no further forward but it is absolutely not ok that your feelings ate considered less than on this.

You are blissfully happy now but if you don't feel heard, things may not stay that way & he needs to hear you properly.

Sending so much love

Also ask him "what sacrifice are you making "

I'm furious with him actually.

I have a different, but strikingly similar situation.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He had two DD with his ex, they are now 12 and nearly 18. They lived with mum, we had the girls weekends and shared school holidays. Worked brilliantly.

We had plans for one child, I only ever wanted one of my own, knowing that we had the girls too. Twins would have been the only way I'd have had more than one!

We then had the girls come to us full time totally out of the blue, when their mum (totally shockingly) was arrested and subsequently went to prison. I was pregnant at the time, and during the investigation/trial also lost my daughter, at 22 weeks. It's bloody horrific, and i honestly know how horrendous it is.

We have since had another happy, healthy baby, our daughter who is now 14 months.

I categorically only ever wanted one child. I now have three. I love them all to the ends of the earth, but is it what I imagined? Absolutely not. Is it the cards I've been dealt? yup. Only way I could change it would be to walk out on the girls that need me, with my daughter, separate her from her father and sisters who love her to the ends of the earth, and break up a brilliant family unit.

I wouldn't even consider that, simply because life has thrown me a curveball - it's madness.

Sometimes things look different to the picture you paint in your head. But you have to work with what you've got.

You've got three children. Your SC need you, and whilst I do understand the yearning for a baby (especially after a late loss, believe me) need always comes before want.

but then if he does go ahead and have a child he doesn’t want, his “sacrifice” will be bringing a child in to the world he doesn’t want but will be financially and generally responsible for 18 years

I really do feel for you and don’t think it’s right for others to tell you to just be happy with what you’ve got. It might be one day you’ll have to try your best to make peace with not having a 2nd child if his decision stays adamant and you decide to stay but that isn’t to say it isn’t a huge thing to try and come to terms with. He really does need to know your honest feelings on the matter

@beachcitygirl I am not furious, I am just deeply wounded. I have booked us in to a therapy program today. I hope it helps in any way. Even if it just helps me accept his decision

No amount of therapy would have stopped me wanting (and having) a second child

You can’t

and they will intensify as your baby grows and then starts school

You are… younger than your partner? If so, how old?

Talk about storing up very negative feelings about your SC in the future if the reason why you don’t have a second is because it’s in their best interests.

OP you will not come to peace with this. If you really want a second as I did (and had!) then it would never ever have left me