Help. I'm a step mum with one baby and I want more

[SodaPoppy]

I need some advice/help.
I desperately want another baby. My DH does not.
3 years ago, his ex wife killed herself and I took on his two children, 6 and 9, without hesitation. We were only 11 months into the relationship at the time. We then tried to have one of our own and we lost her at 22 weeks. We have just had our rainbow baby and he is 5 months old and I want to have another. I feel like I made a huge sacrifice taking on his children and I didn't know that the small print was that I was swapping my own children for them. If I had known, it may have been different but we are amazing as a couple and I don't want to leave to have another baby. Any suggestions?

3 children is alot already, he's not denied her, they have a baby now. He also has a right not to want a fourth. The baby is only 5 months anyway, seems far too early to even be thinking about another baby (and a little bit unfair to your new baby too focus on them for now)

It’s a tricky one and maybe emotional blackmail is too strong a word. But I do think the fact that the children have only one home now is a massive factor.

Sorry that was to @UsethisUsername

@SheilaFentiman I agree it’s tricky! I hope the OP can work it out. One thing others have said that I agree with is it’s probably not the best time to have these discussions, maybe wait a few more months or until the baby is a year.

You weren't swapping his for your own. They existed before you. He may have felt like this even if f her s ex was alive.
I was fortunate that my husband, who had two kids already, was happy to have a couple more (one of the older kids lived with us full time). But three kids is a lot already.
If you are not wanting to leave, there is no compromise.
And frankly the eldest are soon to enter the most challenging phase (if they are now 9 and 12?). You will both have your hands full.

He'll always have more than OP, four children is a lot.

It has been a crazy few years. I definitely want to look into counselling, probably couples counselling. It is such a difficult issue because nobody is right and both sides are valid. He told me everyone needs to make sacrifices and that hurt because it does feel like I am the only one who sacrificed. I love my stepchildren dearly and don't want to grow resentment towards them or DH. I also couldn't leave them without a mother figure again. Our relationship is strong and they have the stability that they needed. I also am deeply in love with my DH and if we ended up splitting over this, it would be so tragic 😞

I don't necessarily want another right now, I just worry that the longer I leave it, the less chance we have. I also don't want to force him to have a baby he doesn't want. I only found out that he doesn't want anymore when I was already pregnant with my surviving baby

@SodaPoppy when my DD was 5 months old I was desperately broody for a while. Are you back at work yet? Wait and see how you feel in a year. I knew DD had to be an only for different reasons to you, but the broody patch did pass very quickly. I’m sure it’s hormone driven. I wouldn’t turn this in to an issue yet.

I'm glad it worked out for you. Part of his reasons is financial but we are very lucky to have money. I own my own business and am the main earner but he is employed and also earns enough to cover costs if I didn't earn anything for a few months

I know people are obviously welcome to make their own choices but I have to say I don't have a particularly high opinion of people that do this - get into a relationship when they have multiple kids, knowing that they aren't open to having more. Especially without making that crystal clear. I think the majority of people that want kids want at least two and it is selfish to come with baggage and for that baggage to be the reason you won't have more with your partner, unless you've been very clear and explicit about it and ensured they are happy to have only one or none of their own.

I really feel for you OP. You've taken on a huge amount and should be commended, I hope he is grateful for all you've done for his kids. I would just try to enjoy your DS for now, and down the line you can decide whether you want another more enough to issue an ultimatum or leave the relationship.

He told me everyone needs to make sacrifices and that hurt because it does feel like I am the only one who sacrificed.

This sounds really dismissive and I would be really pissed off that he said this.

I think your age is a big factor here. Are you young enough to wait a year or so and then see how thing have settled down?
DH ( and all of you) have had a very traumatic few years, and chances are he is feeling quite overwhelmed right now.

@MissTrip82 I am new at this, sorry I haven't tagged anyone in my other responses.
Leaving is not an option. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to.
I have an amazing relationship, this disagreement aside. He is supportive, kind, gentle and understanding. I also have an amazing relationship with my stepchildren, now 9 and 11, and I love them. I would not ever want to leave them feeling like they have lost another mother figure.
I don't want my 5 month old son to grow up without his father, just to have a baby with another man.

I guess I was hoping for a magic wand but I guess I just have to accept his decision. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to grieve my daughter and the baby I will never have

OP I really feel for you, I truly do. You are still grieving for your baby daughter, I’ve been through that and it’s horrendous.

It feels more that you yearn for a baby daughter. Another baby does not mean a daughter.

I would definitely seek some therapy. Not for him and not to change your mind about another child or anything, but I feel like it will be helpful for you.

Time may help. For both of you. In a year your DH May feel different. You might decide 3 of them is enough.

You are absolutely right to grieve for your lost DD. Having been there I know how painful the loss of what you thought you'd have is. I wanted to have 3, desperately, but due to 2 losses ended up with 2. I'm in a very different situation to you but in time I found I changed mindset so that I became so thankful for what I had rather than mourning what I didn't. But it took time (years) and some counselling.

You sound like you have a great relationship and the 2 older kids are lucky to have you as their stepmum.

@DelphiniumBlue we are 30. I am happy to wait 1-3 years but I don't think time will change his mind given that one of his reasons is that he wants to have more time for him again. 😞 He is such a fantastic dad. He will sit patiently and paint my stepdaughters nails and listen to my stepson talk about dinosaurs and science (his two favourite things) for hours. He is very present with our DS as well and was also devastated when we lost our baby girl. I think we are going to explore couples therapy because even if the outcome remains the same, I need to feel heard and validated

@soupmaker thank you. I do feel lucky to have my DH and I love my stepchildren. I am scared that resentment will build but there doesn't seem to be another option that isn't hugely destructive. We do talk very openly and honestly with each other and I presented the "options". He said the thought of me leaving him is devastating and is the last thing he would ever want to happen but I do think he would let me leave before having another baby. I simply cannot force him to change his mind. Accepting it, after our loss and whilst raising his children though, makes it all the more difficult. I just hope that love will prevail

Kindly, he has had a lot of trauma in recent years, adjusting to a new relationship, the loss of his children's mother, full time father, the loss of your first child, new baby.

I think that you need to hear him, I would think he may need a period of time with no upheaval and no big emotional things to cope with.

Almost settle into a typical boring life for a while, he probably needs time to mentally rebuild himself.

Let him rest and focus on himself for a while and he may feel differently.

Firstly, so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine.

I know it seems unfair, but you really have to think about your SC here (and baby), I'm assuming they are with you full custody given the situation. If you had 3 children of your own would you be seeking a 4th? Every child you have will be sapping resources (financial, physical and mental) from the older 3, and just as you feel it's not fair that you're in the situation you're in, you've had more say in it than the SC have had.

4 children is a lot, and there is a reason a lot of families don't opt for that many children, you really need to think about the quality of life for the 3 children you have when yearning for the child you don't have.

You are not there. Try and find a time to talk to DH, outside if the house and clearly explain how you feel.

It can be in a few months as you are currently in baby world and it will seem too much for him.
He might change his mind if you explain that it means so much to you.

I really don't think it's fair or helpful to tell someone struggling with this that they need to be thinking about their SC. She's already sacrificing a huge amount for them, let her be a human being in her own life and think about how this will affect HER, rather than being expected to think "ah well it wouldn't have been good for the SC anyway so I don't need to feel upset about it". It doesn't work like that, and having the expectation that I should think that way and that that would be of any comfort to me would ultimately make me resentful of them.

@aSofaNearYou it is true that I am scared that I will grow to resent my SC but then I feel so guilty for that. It is in no way their fault or choice. It is my DH choice. My SD actually has said that she would love us to have another baby but of course that doesn't change anything. One of my biggest reasons for wanting another is the huge age gap. I don't want my baby to feel like an only child. When he is 5, my SC will be 14 and 17. He won't have any cousins close in age as my siblings are not having children any time soon so he will grow up without that bond. That breaks my heart

OP I’m sorry but I think he’s being very selfish. You say you think he would actually let you leave rather than have another baby. If he felt so strongly about this he should have told you before you told ok on his children and had a baby with him. Couples counselling sounds like a good idea but I really don’t think I could accept his decision in your shoes. I hope he changes his mind and realised how much he is asking you to sacrifice.

Massive respect to you OP. I am in awe of you for taking on those two motherless children and creating a loving home for them. You are amazing! It's sad for you that DH doesn't want another baby, and I think it was really wrong of him not to be honest with you about this earlier. However, he does still get the final decision here. You can't force him to change his mind. I think you're right that counselling might help you come to terms with all this.