Can’t give dcs the life I want to- failing

[Bewilderedbotheredbemused]

Im aware I’m not actually failing and I most certainly wouldn’t say another mother in my situation was failing her children, but there is a difference from cognitively knowing it and feeling it. I feel so guilty and so shitty

I just feel like such a failure. Like everyone cost of living has hit us, and our disposable income has shrunk but we still are comfortable (albeit less so than before) our mortgage will increase end of year (by a lot) and our disposable income will shrink again, but we’ll stay afloat. I do however feel I’ve got no real means of bettering our situation, both dh and I got new jobs in the last year/18 months so another promotion and pay rise is unlikely so soon.

I just wish I made more of myself so my kids could have the best. I stupidly stayed too long in education and sadly wasted time with further degrees which haven’t helped my career (humanities further degrees) and meant I was entering the workforce later in life, so don’t have as much experience as my peers.

I wish I could take them anywhere they dream of on holiday and not have to worry, not have to say no. Growing up my father had a very well paid job so we travelled the world. I wish I could give that to my kids.

does anyone else (irrationally) feel the same way? I know it’s a question of being kind to yourself and stuff but it’s that niggle inside, do others feel like this too?

How old are you children OP?

Love and attention is worth more than any amount of holidays.

@Bewilderedbotheredbemused I feel this way too. Mine are in their early 20s now and their father and I split up 8 years ago. All amicable, I maintain a 4 bed house so they have somewhere to call 'home' as they are all just starting out after uni graduations but I have nothing other than the equity in the house. No job security any more, no savings, pay cut last year after no payrise for 6+ years.

I so wanted to offer them what my parents are still offering me even though I'm over 50 - the example of a good strong and long lasting marriage, healthy savings so that I could help the kids out if they need it, big house to accommodate grandchildren (if they ever come along!) or to provide accommodation in between house moves, able to retire or go part time so I could be a hands on grandma. None of this is happening. I feel such a failure.

Try getting divorced and then dealing with the guilt!
People play the cards they are dealt and I would bet that not one of your decisions has ever been 'well I'm going to do this regardless of the outcome to the dc' all your decisions have been in good faith.
If things were different I could have worked in London and have been earning a fortune and had a totally different life, but I didn't. I made decisions at the time that seemed right for me. Do I wish that my DC were privately educated and still had their dad living with us and we had no financial obstacles - absolutely, but hey ho.

@blobby10

I know what you mean, my parents still help me out with my young adult children eg they give them money. I split from exh at a similar stage to you it seems but I have sold up, my house is smaller as I relocated somewhere more expensive, I have a lovely dp, but one of my DD's sleeps in the office when she visits because I don't have 4 bedrooms. I feel guilty

nearly 4 and nearly 2, so we’re still in the cost heavy nursery fee days.

I do feel like I’ve squandered my opportunities and they’re paying the price. People who I went to school with earn like 90k and I know comparison is the thief of joy but I can’t help compare myself to them and I feel like an utter waste of space

You are not alone, I feel like this sometimes too. I’m trying as hard as I can working full time in a moderately well paid job but my DH flits around so we never seem to be able to get anywhere financially and the prospect of ever owning a home is completely off the table. I’m really feeling it this week as we’re taking the kids camping this weekend, we offered my teenage stepdaughter to take a friend but she turned her nose up implying they were all busy doing better things with their families. That said my own kids will love it, we’re in a nice waterside location and we’ll do all the usual camping stuff, marshmallows and card games and like @lurchermummy said I think love and attention counts for a lot x

What children benefit from is time, attention and love. Yours are not growing up in poverty (that IS damaging, and I find it deplorable that as a supposedly civilised society we fail so many children and families in this way).

When their needs for food, shelter, clothing, education etc are met, beyond that what your children need is your attention and your love and encouragement. The world around us is full of joy and marvellous things (as well as all its challenges and ugly bits) and you don't need a lot of money to discover that. You just need to be free from fear, and have some time and some self-belief, and the love of others.

Consider whether at least some of the things you believe about this are due to lies you have been told/sold by our consumerist society in terms of what constitutes a happy life.....

(I know I am a bit of an old hippy - but PLEASE at least consider what I say).

At this age they don’t care about exciting holiday. In fact at this age they often find it overwhelming. They want your attention and things like parks, free museums, making biscuits, library, painting the fence with water all entertain them.

nearly 4 and nearly 2, so we’re still in the cost heavy nursery fee days.

They aren't going to be bothered they haven't done loads of stuff. Just teach them to ride bikes and swim and spend time with them.

My DD, aged 4, hasn't been on a plane yet and wants to go on one, however she doesn't want to see grandparents if she does. Lots of her friends go on planes to see grandparents. (Her grandparents are all long dead.)

I know exactly what you mean. DS2 just asked if we could go to the cinema tomorrow. I can't afford it. Everyone on social media manages it so why can't I?
I feel like my kids miss out because of my previous bad decisions.

You aren’t failing them. The things you aspire to and measure yourself by mean nothing to a 2 and a 4 year old.
Try and look at the world through their eyes and stop beating yourself up when you are in fact doing everything BUT failing them.

Oh honestly the eldest does… she really does.

she’s heard about Canada (god knows where) and is desperate to go. We walked past a travel agent last week and went in to chat about future hols and she picked up travel brochures to Canada (after deciding she must go, she asked the agent for one and they gave it) and Disney florida and she always looks at them and points out to me the places she ‘needs’ to go to there.

You are very down on yourself OP 😞

I can see you are comparing yourself to your parents but you have to remember that they were raising you in a completely different time. The mortgage/cost of living ratio to income they had is very different to how it is today. Today everyone is tied to huge mortgages/rents/bills etc in relation to not huge incomes. Our parents had it much much easier in that way. You haven’t failed, the system has failed you.

Imagine what it will feel like when she finally gets to visit Canada - when she’s 10, or 20 or 50. How much more special will that be for her than a child who goes here there and everywhere every year.

Please, don’t disregard what people are saying about love and attention. It’s truer than you could imagine and it becomes more and more obvious as your children get older.

of course you are right but my sense of disappointment in myself is that I wish I could say, ok, let’s go. We’ll go.

I guess I just regret my choices (professionally speaking)

I don’t know how old you are, OP, but I wouldn’t compare a childhood in the 90s/2000s to now. That period was a bubble of prosperity and optimism in this country. A complete blip. Things are basically just going back to how they were before those golden years.

It’s depressing, but just remember that considerably more people had/will have a childhood similar to your children’s than similar to the one you had with lots of travel etc. Your experience was the exception, not theirs!

I’m early 30s so basically came of age during that golden time. I know my experience isn’t the norm, I went to a private school and was one of the poorest there so I naively grew up thinking we were a low income family.

its just that idéalisation or the fantasy that life improves for each generation and desperately wanting to give them what I had. A lot of my peers from school are on 90k plus a year jobs and comparatively I feel such a loser. I know one shouldn’t compare but still I do, I wish I made better choices

Your children have your love and attention. They have a home, enough food and clothes. There are so many children in the world who don't have all these. I think we sometimes lose sight of the important things in life, especially in a country where we are bombarded with tv adverts and social media telling us what we should aspire to.
There will be many things your children ask for that are just not possible, and it's a valuable life skill for them to learn that they can't have everything they ask for.
You're definitely not failing them! You sound like a super mum.

I'm gonna be your strict aunt op and tell you not to be so shallow! Life is not about holidays, its about having the inner resources to weather the ups and downs.
Look at what lots of unlucky people in the UK and the rest of the world are going through, some have really crap life chances due to wars and poverty.
Count your blessings and make the most of what you've got.

Enjoy this time of non judgement and devotion and love from your children, they will plenty judge you later on (teenage +) 😂

Unfortunately we do need to let go of the idea that the next generation will have a better standard of living than the previous one.

I do think it’s something to strive for, now obviously the government and recent events have rendered it very difficult but it’s absolutely awful that quality and standards of life are going backwards

I know Aunty (😂) but I guess I probably am a bit shallow or maybe attach too much worth to material/ external things

There aren’t that many people who can just up and go to Canada, just because a 4yo wants it.

I think you being a bit over dramatic here.