Can’t give dcs the life I want to- failing

[Bewilderedbotheredbemused]

Im aware I’m not actually failing and I most certainly wouldn’t say another mother in my situation was failing her children, but there is a difference from cognitively knowing it and feeling it. I feel so guilty and so shitty

I just feel like such a failure. Like everyone cost of living has hit us, and our disposable income has shrunk but we still are comfortable (albeit less so than before) our mortgage will increase end of year (by a lot) and our disposable income will shrink again, but we’ll stay afloat. I do however feel I’ve got no real means of bettering our situation, both dh and I got new jobs in the last year/18 months so another promotion and pay rise is unlikely so soon.

I just wish I made more of myself so my kids could have the best. I stupidly stayed too long in education and sadly wasted time with further degrees which haven’t helped my career (humanities further degrees) and meant I was entering the workforce later in life, so don’t have as much experience as my peers.

I wish I could take them anywhere they dream of on holiday and not have to worry, not have to say no. Growing up my father had a very well paid job so we travelled the world. I wish I could give that to my kids.

does anyone else (irrationally) feel the same way? I know it’s a question of being kind to yourself and stuff but it’s that niggle inside, do others feel like this too?

I have made completely different choices to you OP and very much regret it now!

I was focusing on earning money when my daughter was small and went back to a high-stress (but highly paid) job when she was 4 months old. My job involved international travel at short notice and I barely saw my daughter during the week. On holidays, I was always stressed out and on the phone with work.

I could put her through private school and pay for her to have ponies, but now that she's a teenager I very much regret it. I should have spent more time with her when she was little (which is all she wanted/needed from me) and put her in a local state school.

I think all parents feel guilty with whatever choices they make 😞

In my country we have a saying "a child doesn't need a golden carriage".

This is just odd - a long haul trip with jet lag and lots of wilderness outdoors experiences without facilities is an awful idea with kids the age of yours, regardless of budget.

my kids would love to go to Hawaii. I can’t afford it for a family of 4. I have told them “no”.

It’s not necessarily Canada or any holiday destination that was more an example of my point, I just wish I’d made different choices (at times) to have been more successful than I am and wouldn’t be feeling the pinch so much (again aware incredibly fortunate here) so that I could give them everything

Isn’t it a useful lesson for your kids that they can’t have everything they want?

I guess on reflection it’s as much about me as it is them tbh

I'm on a high salary, low outgoings. I still have to say no to the kids lots. We went to disney and then they just wanted more. More toys and treats mainly.

Currently in a five star hotel in Europe and the eldest wants tonnes of extras: designer knock offs, replica football kits, more more more ice creams and drinks and sweets and chocolates. Then his gran gives him stuff then he starts demanding a scooter ride. Even with a high salary lines have to be drawn.

Conversely my friend is off to Canada this summer on one teacher/ one TA salary. They have been on other holidays and trips away so its not like they've saved for this for years. It could be more affordable than you think.

I also know many many people on far lower salaries who are taking kids to disney. They save for a long time for it. Or the go euro disney.

Meanwhile you have lots of advice here telling you to be less guilt ridden.

The more kids have the more they want. If your dd wants to go to Canada tell her to get a good job and take herself there when she's older. My parents couldn't take me to disney and I survived. I admit it's a lot more common for people of all incomes to go now but it's not mandatory !

All of this is so true.

My daughter constantly wants more and more and more stuff regardless of how much she has. There will always be more stuff. It's not possible (and totally unnecessary) to buy it all.

You still have loads of time OP. We took the DC on some fantastic holidays when they were young, they don't remember any of them. We look at the photos, which they enjoy, but they remember none of it.

We took a break and camped in the UK for a while, then started travelling more when they were 10+. They've loved those later trips, and properly remember them, much better.

İ think you're projecting your unresolved feelings from the bullying and feeling inadequate around snobs, onto your children's unrealistic expectations now. I get it, I was teased for being poor and feel bad that my child has less than my school friends and relatives' kids have now, but honestly she doesn't know nor care. She asks for toys off the adverts all day long and I just say 'maybe one day', and talk to her about the importance of being careful with our money. But I'm sure as a child you couldn't just suggest a destination to your parents and they would take you there. You probably loved your cruise holidays because it was a break from the norm and exciting. İt would have been the same wherever they took you. I remember getting excited going into central London from zone 3 and it feeling like an adventure.

I see your situation as someone who has come from a family who could afford a lot and hence you would like to replicate and your H who has come from the opposite situation so naturally he wants to give his kids the opposite experience.

Things now are very different to what your parents experienced. To have even a semi decent home requires double incomes for most if you live somewhere reasonably ok. This means childcare bills and often as you say very high mortgages relative to what parents had even factoring in interest rates and increased incomes. The thing is a lot of jobs haven't really vastly increased in terms of salary. If I did my job back in 2000 I would be on 2/3rds of what I am on now and yet many houses have tripled in that time.

I had a discussion about this with my FIL a few years ago who couldn't understand why we hadn't bought and I explained income and outgoings and the fact we couldn't actually get a mortgage high enough in the area we live(which he loves) - we could just about do it if we bought something a bit grim hundreds of miles away- he really didn't want us to do that either and that was the end of the matter, he has though been far more generous with us!!

There are only certain jobs that pay massive money at a young age and I bet it's these people who are on the newsletter mainly. I find it a bit sad .

Your children will remember expensive holidays when they are quite a bit older. We took our son to LA when he was 15- he always talks about that. At 4 he was quite happy with Eurocamp or Butlins. You all need to make the most of what you can do, not what you can't- and if your parents bring up expensive stuff- ask them if they are paying!!