Can’t give dcs the life I want to- failing

[Bewilderedbotheredbemused]

Im aware I’m not actually failing and I most certainly wouldn’t say another mother in my situation was failing her children, but there is a difference from cognitively knowing it and feeling it. I feel so guilty and so shitty

I just feel like such a failure. Like everyone cost of living has hit us, and our disposable income has shrunk but we still are comfortable (albeit less so than before) our mortgage will increase end of year (by a lot) and our disposable income will shrink again, but we’ll stay afloat. I do however feel I’ve got no real means of bettering our situation, both dh and I got new jobs in the last year/18 months so another promotion and pay rise is unlikely so soon.

I just wish I made more of myself so my kids could have the best. I stupidly stayed too long in education and sadly wasted time with further degrees which haven’t helped my career (humanities further degrees) and meant I was entering the workforce later in life, so don’t have as much experience as my peers.

I wish I could take them anywhere they dream of on holiday and not have to worry, not have to say no. Growing up my father had a very well paid job so we travelled the world. I wish I could give that to my kids.

does anyone else (irrationally) feel the same way? I know it’s a question of being kind to yourself and stuff but it’s that niggle inside, do others feel like this too?

You are right, those kids that once mocked me for staying in a ‘peasant’ hotel are now the ones with 90k + jobs, and did have more opportunities through family connections.

i guess I just feel regret over my career path and feel a bit stuck and I know cognitively i am blessed. I changed industry and I earn the same as if I’d stuck around to make a go of it in academia but with far more security, benefits and less weight on my shoulders. But it’s the internalising that you mentioned. Plus my parents have lost touch a bit with reality so sort of make a lot of comments about hard done by the kids are v how i was. A lot of comments of ‘i don’t know why you’re struggling, I never struggled ’ when I say I can’t afford to redo the Garden right now

I do wish I could afford a holiday somewhere far flung (and not Turkey) but I’ve decided I will be happy stretching to Butlins this year and will aim to get us on a plane when they’re less melt-downy and less picky about food.

they’re 4 and 2, you really do have plenty of time - start planning what you’ll do with that extra disposable income once they transfer to school after nursery.

we took my daughter to Disneyland when she had just turned 4 and she kept calling it Matalan so told everyone we’d taken her to Matalan and it was AMAZING…. I mean… I got absolutely no kudos for that one. People must think we keep her locked in a cupboard or something.

Oh we are twinning on this arent we.

i feel the same about family, lost a relative recently and I felt like I had to apologise for not being successful enough, felt like that must have been awfully ashamed of me… like you, they most likely weren’t but the guilt

That’s where we’re going Turkey.

Did you go florida or Paris? Was it fabulous? That’s a classic, matalan 😂

Honestly OP you are doing fine and your children will appreciate it further down the line. Try to remember that often what you see online is false, many people especially the influencers live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget.
You mention old school friends earning £90K per annum, is that what they have told you because anyone can lie about their earnings to make themselves look better, and even if they are earning considerably more than you and your DH doesn't necessarily mean they are happy with life.
I'll give you an example, my BF is separated from her DD's dad, a few years ago when her DD was 10, my BF took her to Butlins in Skegness, they had a great time. Two weeks later her DD was taken to Barbados by DD's Dad, you've guessed it, her DD preferred Butlins, even still mentions it from time to time. Perhaps once the children are a bit older you can re-train and grab the opportunities you feel you haven't been able to. Try to stop being so hard on yourself.

I do hope you have a lovely time! Our friends go a lot and they love it - it’s just not for me!

we did Disneyland Paris and it was a wonderful holiday but she was too young for it really and hated the rides 😂 you win some you lose some!

I know how you feel. After a BA, Masters and a PhD in humanities I can't even find a job. Not becouse I'm not good at what I do, simply becouse there are no jobs in my field! I have friends with a buisness BA and they are loaded with job offers and money.
Is it fair? NO! Do I have a right to be angry? HELL YEAH!

I want to be able to give anything to my child and more. I want to give her private education and fancy holidays. And some comments here says that these things are not important. Yes, they not as important but I worked my arse off and I should be able to provide these things!!!

I know it doesn't seem like but we will able to give them a lot more than those materialistic things. As long as you give them a safe, loving home, you are not failing!

It’s jobs like registrar cardiologist, partner in a law firm, MD for a huge international company, head of marketing etc, those style jobs, now don’t get me wrong that’s not everyone. Think it stings more because they are the kids that picked on me for being poor back in the day, staying in a Hilton and only having 2 cars as a family

That was the same as me, a PhD in humanities with conferences and publications. Went for a few interviews and was unsuccessful and actually outraged at the contracts being fought over. For instance there was one mid tier Uni that paid £50 an hr for bought in teaching, 10 hrs a week. But that was 2 hrs a day, one in the morning and one afternoon, wouldn’t amend schedule so it rendered getting another job difficult and they didn’t offer a parking pass, parking around the city was super expensive, daily train even more so. And it would’ve be an hr long commute.

i feel the same as you, minus the private school, my experience wasn’t the best and I’m lucky to have a lot of grammar schools in my area

its funny how different they are isn’t it. We took mine at just before 3, literally days, when she was ‘mickeys guest’ and she loved it, the baby did too. She was like shaking with excitement seeing stitch and Minnie Mouse. The baby (early Walker) was dancing down Main Street. Some of my most treasured memories

"I’m not sure where she got Canada from, she came home from nursery saying it’s a very nice holiday place and she needs to go? So maybe they were talking about Holidays. I said oh ok, maybe we can go when you’re bigger and we can go whale watching on a boat (she likes whales). We then went to the travel agent on the weekend, she asked one of the agents to go to Canada so they got her a brochure. She found the Disney florida one herself when she was wandering around (of course she did haha)"

So you just need to mange her expectations. "Canada is expensive, we can't afford it." And that's it! Or... don't go on holiday at all for 3 years and save to go?

Did you really think that further study in humanities was the path to riches?

You’re going to have to own this one, I’m afraid - you clearly had a very privileged upbringing with a great education, and you could be in a very different financial situation if you had made different choices from the same starting point. And it’s not like you’re in the poorhouse - you’ve booked a little summer holiday, for crying out loud!

''Travelling the world'' as you put it with a 2 and 4 year old can be a complete nightmare. To give example of one drama - I flew to Miami with a 3 year old and she vomited all the way and was completely prostrate at Miami Airport - lying on the floor. The airport was completely crowded but must have had cameras because an official came to help me through the crowd - I also had another child and luggage -otherwise wouldn't have managed. At the moment many airlines especially BA are losing luggage, lots of flights are cancelled at little notice and airports are horror shows generally! Stay at home!

You are young
You can make choices now
Retrain
You make tge best choices for you at the time
If you want change make it happen
You are the hero of your life story , not the victim
See a life coach
Do some cbt
Make a realistic plan
What does your dp say? Are they equally dissastisfied with life?

that’s what I mean though, if I had made different choices post Ba then I’d be in a very different situation but i sort of meandered through thinking oh yes this looks good! Path to riches, no, but the lecturers where I got my PhD were well paid (45+ depending on seniority and that was 7 years ago). A lot changed academia wise from when I started to when I finished the jobs that were almost given as a rite of passage vanished. But that’s my overall point, i wish I made better choices and I feel down on myself for not doing so

Oh wind your neck in @manontroppo; the whole point of the thread is that OP regrets her professional decisions so obviously she ‘owns’ them.

OP, I feel exactly the same. We were low income growing up and at a decent though not great comp though I made it to Oxbridge. Impostor syndrome all the way through and in my mid 30s I’m earning a moderately good salary while vast majority of my peers are on the £90k+ (some seriously, seriously +) you speak of. It’s an awful feeling but comparing to a small section of society isn’t helpful, and continuously beating ourselves up isn’t helpful. But you’re doing way better than me if it helps; only one DC, don’t own my home cos live in the stupid SE and no holidays since she’s been born apart from to friend’s holiday lets in the UK. You’ve been to sandy and turkey and

Ah pressed send too soon. *You’ve been to Disney and turkey and are a homeowner! You’ll keep progressing and once you don’t have nursery fees you’ll be able to do more. You don’t deserve to feel as awful as you do and it doesn’t help your children.

,,,picked on me for being poor back in the day, staying in a Hilton and only having 2 cars as a family,

What ??
Hilton is not travelidge or tent
"Onky two cars" surely you see how ridiculous that was

Their jobs, they have worked for
You could still retrain

any retraining would come at further detriment in terms of the quals and then starting from the bottom.

dh has done remarkably well, he’s not had anywhere near the opportunities I’ve had in life but he’s in an ok place work wise, he’s the youngest in his team by far. He earns 15k more than me a year

Well then you weigh up and decide you happy with life as it is
You enjoy your job
You have lovely kids a dh trips to disney car(s) a house ....
Really, it seems you could use a life coach or cbt to address the envy and inadequacy feelings
And move forward with your life whichever direction
If retrainibg yes takes time but does it get you to your goal of $$$$
Or really is $$$ an illusion of "success"?

Yeah I’ve said upthread, how I naively felt low income growing up because by way of comparison I was, but it’s so twisted because a holiday to New York in and as of itself is massive and then the Hilton on top of that too, hugely privileged.

yes they worked for their jobs, connections and privilege and a degree of nepotism has helped tremendously in a few instances. retraining wouldn’t really help me as I’ve already done that.. twice basically . And now any starting again, I’d be starting out as less than I have now, there is potential to move up where I am, and in my industry, it is just time.

Envy not inadequacy yes. I don’t begrudge anyone their success, I wish I did more with what I had or knew then what I know now - I’d have made different choices.

i grew up in a home that pushed education above all else, and a mentality that was with a PhD you’ll walk into a highly paid job in whatever field you choose. Obviously this isn’t the case.

Fair enough, I didn’t get that impression from my initial read.

You’re in the weeds now with young children - it does get better. And you’ve still got time to reinvent yourself career wise.

You still haven’t said if your friends earning 90k+ have kids!

Why are you wasting your time envying people who were such snobs? Your school days sound horrible. Seriously, why don't you look back at your school days and say "jesus they were right plonkers" and not even think about what they are earning now.

And on what planet would anyone let a 4 year old pick the holiday destination? Take her home and get her some books on canada from the library and let her learn something - she expressed interest in the country, this is a great opportunity. DD wanted to go to Japan. We could actually afford to go to Japan. We didn't.

She isn't deprived because she is going to Turkey on her holidays instead of a mythical canada. And if she is disappointed in a holiday in Turkey then you need to look at what expectations you are giving her and make some adjustments - that is on you. No 4 year old should be disappointed in a holiday destination. going on hols with mum and dad should be the big thing.

Sorry you were disappointed in your path in life, OP. But you adjusted and are doing fine. I think you are projecting a lot onto your child. You need to stop thinking about what you don't have and instead get excited and joyful about what you do have. you are beating yourself up because you can't book a holiday you don't want to Canada instead of thinking how lovely it is to look forward to a holiday in Turkey.

And get some books on Turkey out of the library too.