Can’t give dcs the life I want to- failing

[Bewilderedbotheredbemused]

Im aware I’m not actually failing and I most certainly wouldn’t say another mother in my situation was failing her children, but there is a difference from cognitively knowing it and feeling it. I feel so guilty and so shitty

I just feel like such a failure. Like everyone cost of living has hit us, and our disposable income has shrunk but we still are comfortable (albeit less so than before) our mortgage will increase end of year (by a lot) and our disposable income will shrink again, but we’ll stay afloat. I do however feel I’ve got no real means of bettering our situation, both dh and I got new jobs in the last year/18 months so another promotion and pay rise is unlikely so soon.

I just wish I made more of myself so my kids could have the best. I stupidly stayed too long in education and sadly wasted time with further degrees which haven’t helped my career (humanities further degrees) and meant I was entering the workforce later in life, so don’t have as much experience as my peers.

I wish I could take them anywhere they dream of on holiday and not have to worry, not have to say no. Growing up my father had a very well paid job so we travelled the world. I wish I could give that to my kids.

does anyone else (irrationally) feel the same way? I know it’s a question of being kind to yourself and stuff but it’s that niggle inside, do others feel like this too?

I guess I just don’t see that though, the long term of my career path can be a fairly lucrative one with no real need to additional quals, it is just time and experience. My line manager is probably on £75k, then bonus up to around 40% of salary. In a year or so I can move up or try to at least but atm I’m stuck. (I won’t be able to move up to boss’s level but high 40s)

You are quite right, it’s most likely my comparing the hols I’d have by dc1’s age to what I’m able to afford. Whilst she’s said Canada now she probably has very little concept of what Canada actually is.

It’s think it’s a bit of a stick to beat myself with, wanting to give them everything they could ever want and more

OP you really need to reset your own moral compass and value system.

There are kids a few miles from your home right now who are abused or neglected.
Those who get a shit education or not much of a childhood because they are young carers.
Kids who have profound mental and physical disabilities.
Kids who have life limiting illnesses.
Kids whose parents are homeless or sofa surfing .
Kids who will grow up in care because their parents have addictions or mental illness or whose home is destroyed by DV.
Kids whose parents are asylum seekers or refugees and have left everything they have ever known.
Kids whose parents can’t afford to put food on the table without using food banks.

Most of these parents are in their situation through no fault of their own. Just like you, they want the best for their children. And it breaks their hearts that they can’t give them the basics of life.

So Your 4yo is not suffering because she can’t go on holiday to Canada.

You need to get down on your knees and thank God / the universe / whatever you believe in that you are so very, very fortunate. A bit of gratitude and old fashioned “ counting your blessings “ will change how your feel.

And then go out and volunteer / raise funds for some of the many charities in this country who help people like those I have mentioned. I promise you it will change your life.

Also out of curiosity ,why are these people friends if they talked/ looked down on you as teenagers?

I don’t think i said they were friends, they are my peers or former classmates. I only know what they are doing because we have a quarterly update newsletter as do my parents who tell me about xyz

Point of my post wasn’t, im suffering greatly etc, I know in the grand scheme of things I’m incredibly blessed and I’m definitely not crying poverty but I do wish I did more with what I had which was a considerable head start in many ways. I made some choices based on what my parents drummed into me, that qualifications matter the most and it just wasn’t the case.

I had back ups that failed too and I just didn’t really have much in the way of career planning, I never really felt I had a vocation so sort of meandered into academia whereas I wish I have looked into it froom thé which careers pay good money route

i actually do do volunteer work food drives for Yemen/ Syria and a charity that works with vulnerable new mums (a lot are refugees)

OP you seem to ignore the posts which encourage you to reflect and be grateful.

Why not plan something realistic - Long haul flights are really pricey so stay in Europe. Go camping. Stay in a park home. Take them to all the amazing places in this country. Go to Euro Disney. Even if you have to save up for ages, and scour for deals - it's good to have something to look forward to - find something you might be able to afford and do that with your kids.

Another thing to bear in mind is that if you ask practically anyone if they would rather have material things or the love and attention of their parents they would probably say the latter. So many therapists making mega bucks out of people who never felt loved, wanted, valued or accepted. Make sure yours aren't in that boat and you've done the best job! Make the best of things. By the sounds if it you think it could be better, but it could also be a whole lot worse.

I am grateful for what I have im not saying I’m hard done by but that at times I wish I could give them more

My 5 year old wants a pet monkey. She cried herself to sleep last night because she can't have one. Whilst it's a bit sad, I don't feel guilty or like she's missing out, it's a totally ridiculous request that I cannot accommodate so....that's that.

I never went abroad as a child, in fact we had very little materially. But we had fun as a family going for walks, playing in the street/garden, my parents were devoted and that's what I remember and what I aspire to.

Your humanities degrees were not a waste of time. Use the critical thinking skills you have learnt to look at things in a different way ans count your blessings. You and your children have many.

Canada is apparently extremely dull so for the sheer crapness of your unreachable dream you are being unreasonable.

@Bewilderedbotheredbemused I can understand where you are coming from as when the kids became less dependent and I had more time in life, I also wondered why I didn't invest time in a more lucrative subset of my career. However I realised that it's not too late and have made taken steps to go in a different direction. However I now realise I don't have the drive my higher earning counterparts do. But this is ok.

The point of my previous post is that there is nothing stopping you changing career if you need to or keep on pushing in your current career with an upward goal in mind as you said it can be lucrative.

I genuinely don’t think a 4 year old understands the actual concept of the world and different countries. Taking your child anywhere and experiencing something new ,whatever it is is enough for a pre school child .
Go to different parks,catch a bus or train,go to the seaside 🤷‍♀️Children really do not neeed to experience a long haul flight to have fun and learn .

I think that's right. I think you've fixated on this and made it into a much bigger deal in your mind than it is in your child's mind. Small children are notoriously capricious and "yes, dear, that would be nice" is by far the best way to deal with their whims.

FWIW, I do have some sympathy - I grew up with a lifestyle which I've never managed to replicate for my DC. Not even remotely. I wasn't bullied for being 'poor' at school because I am older than you, and most people didn't go on really fancy holidays in the 70s and 80s so there wasn't that kind of competition (I spent 14 years at an independent school, too). There was far less pressure in that way - we were all just "nice posh girls" with big houses and ponies and dogs.

If I were you, I'd decide what really matters to you and set about making it happen. If, say, you're really keen for your children to attend independent schools but finances mean that it's not possible, then making sure you live in an area with really good state schools is way more important than where you go on holiday.

Were you to take your 4 yo child to Canada on holiday she would not remember it. Or appreciate it in any way.

We went all over the world as children because of my father's job. I genuinely remember very little of the incredible places we saw - and mostly remember trivial shite.

I know we were in Thailand, for eg, where I was at school when someone was sick on me. (1970s) I was wearing turquoise tights - and for years I couldn't bear turquoise because it reminded me of wearing vomit stained tights. That is genuinely my strongest memory of 6 months in Thailand aged 6. Vomit.

Not the scenery, not the heat, not the food or the culture. The fact that another 6 year old threw up on me.

I am following this with interest OP - I can see both sides. I do agree that there are many positives about your current lifestyle, and you have done really well to get where you are. My kids are aged 14-19 and it’s taken me this long to afford our first holiday abroad. My family story is a bit odd as we were very badly off when I was young and got teased etc for being poor, then my dad got a very well paid job and out of nowhere they were very wealthy. So I understand the comparison- I’m the least well off in my family and can’t afford things siblings can. But I absolutely know I’m not poor - it helps that I’ve spent a lot of time working with people who are. I do sometimes struggle with the thought that I can’t give my kids what I had. But my partner who was brought up with much less money simply doesn’t have those expectations of himself. So it’s all about who you compare to.
I’m now in academia and also understand how you could put all your eggs in that basket and be disappointed- that’s the sector, not you. It sounds like you have successfully created a second career, surely that’s something to be proud of?

only know what they are doing because we have a quarterly update newsletter as do my parents who tell me about xyz

Like social media newsletter only gives the headline
How do you even know what they earn? Otherthan assuming.
You dont know what goes on in their lives
You really do not know if they happy or what challenges they face
Or who is reading about you and jealous of your degrees and academic career

I know lots of well off people who have amazing holidays on paper - still doesn't make them all happy and fulfilled- many have husbands who spend half the time answering emails in hotel rooms, many are dealing with affairs - and some have become incredibly un excited because they do it all so much. I also know some very average earners who feel lucky if they get 10 days in Spain every couple of years, genuinely get excited and seem to have a great time where everyone properly 'joins in' - please make the most of what you 'can ' do- I've been all over and in recent years my favourite holiday was 4 days in Dorset (admittedly in great weather) in a gorgeous old pub with rooms and expensive meals out every night, ice cream every afternoon etc. if you feel disappointed in yourself in terms of career either do something about it or throw yourself into some fulfilling voluntary project or business opportunity etc. great holidays don't suddenly make life amazing- they are nice- but when you get back the same issues are still waiting for you . Have a good laugh at twats who feel the need to send out newsletters- trying too hard somewhat!!! Very American

yes i don’t know precisely their salary but I can imagine partner in law firm is around that 100k mark same with consultants/ registrars.

i actually don’t participate in said news letter nor send updates. Ive actually asked to not have it sent out because I fundamentally hated the school. But I do concede to your overarching point

I do understand how you feel, but those things aren't important. It's not the destination of those holidays that matter really, it's the fun times and time spent binding as a family.

At the age you're children are at, the smallest of things are an adventure to them if you treat them as such. There is still plenty if time to do some of the things you want in the future when they are of ages that they will remember those things and once the financial pressure of the nursery days are over.

Your time spent in education is not a waste. Personal development is just as important and valid a reason to study as financial gain.

Facing a reduction in circumstances is always really tough - I have and am still experiencing that myself, along with millions of others. Life and circumstances can change very suddenly. I find it useful to dig to the nub of what it is I feel I'm missing out on, for example: far flung holidays = adventure and embedding something new, big nights out in expensive restaurants = time with friends.

@BeautifulWar I do agree- recently went on a very expensive meal with friends- would have enjoyed it just as much at Bills!!

You never know what is going on in others lives OP- just what is carefully curated to project a certain image. Is this totally self created pressure? Or subtle 'pressure' from partner/parents too ??

@Bewilderedbotheredbemused those news letters are just boast letters, bit like social media, I mean when was the last time you read about a divorce or a redundancy in them, or about SAHMs/unemployed?

I think a lot of this is not about comparison to peers but comparison to the Boomers. Our parents generation had it so good and are now enjoying final salary pensions. Our generation are struggling more now (house prices, cost of living) and are going to struggle later in life. I always unconsciously imagined I'd have a wealthier life than my parents because I went to university and have a profession that they did not, but I won't. And it's only going to get worse! In a way maybe you're doing your kids s favour. They'll learn what's important in life, love and togetherness

Yes exactly, it’s that comparison of what they gave me v what I can give. my father went to uni got a 2;2 and no further quals, and I got a 1st and further degrees and professional quals but I’ll likely never catch up to where he was salary wise. things were cheaper then too, and less of a portion of their salary. So for instance in the mid/ late 90s my dad earned about 50/60k which is about 90k/ 100k by todays standards. My mum she said earned 1000k a month, about 1800, which is what 27k by todays standards. Their Disney hols that they took us on (on Disney property, mid range hotels) was about £1000, so about £1800 by todays money, and we went for 2 weeks. Looking now, those hols are about 6k for 2 weeks.

Interesting, and a good point.

i think dh and I put a lot of pressure on ourselves and then inadvertently each other to give them everything but for different reasons. Dh had nothing, his father left his mother and then ‘forgot’ about the first family, so he always ‘watched’ (for want of a better phrase) when his half siblings went on holiday and he was left at home, went to Disney and was left at home, they had birthday parties and he didn’t, all of that, so his motivation is giving them everything he never had, both by way of physical possessions and experiences but also time and attention.

i by contrast had a lot, and really looked forward to giving them all I had plus more. My parents too also don’t really get the real impact of the rising costs. They see it as interest rates being cheaper but they don’t factor in that the actual cost of the property was less and say only double one sole income, so the loan was less. That’s just a for instance. They do have a keeping up with the joneses mentality or wanting to portray a certain image, new cars (only luxury cars), nice hols, house renovations, private healthcare etc. So I do think perhaps my ‘lowly’ (brothers term not mine)status work wise isn’t as impressive as a partner in a law firm etc but saying that I actually don’t have a low status, im in my early 30s and most of my peers work wise are in their mid 40s.