Can’t give dcs the life I want to- failing

[Bewilderedbotheredbemused]

Im aware I’m not actually failing and I most certainly wouldn’t say another mother in my situation was failing her children, but there is a difference from cognitively knowing it and feeling it. I feel so guilty and so shitty

I just feel like such a failure. Like everyone cost of living has hit us, and our disposable income has shrunk but we still are comfortable (albeit less so than before) our mortgage will increase end of year (by a lot) and our disposable income will shrink again, but we’ll stay afloat. I do however feel I’ve got no real means of bettering our situation, both dh and I got new jobs in the last year/18 months so another promotion and pay rise is unlikely so soon.

I just wish I made more of myself so my kids could have the best. I stupidly stayed too long in education and sadly wasted time with further degrees which haven’t helped my career (humanities further degrees) and meant I was entering the workforce later in life, so don’t have as much experience as my peers.

I wish I could take them anywhere they dream of on holiday and not have to worry, not have to say no. Growing up my father had a very well paid job so we travelled the world. I wish I could give that to my kids.

does anyone else (irrationally) feel the same way? I know it’s a question of being kind to yourself and stuff but it’s that niggle inside, do others feel like this too?

They aren’t my friends that’s why, so I don’t know, they are people I used to go to school with, some of which picked on me for being poor

You are wasting time and energy looking back and thinking about what you should have done as well as looking at what others have done and thinking you could have done that (even though you don't know the decisions they took to get there).

It might be worth spending 10 minutes buying any 'mistakes/wrong decisions' you made so you can learn from them but that's it.

Please change your mind set. Be open minded about what your options are and form a plan, a flexible plan. Move forward slowly, take opportunities when they appear and note why you are taking them. Learn from any mistakes. But please LOOK FORWARD WITH POSITIVITY.

You were not poor. You went to hiltons and had two cars.
Pethaps you were less wealthy. You were not poor

You need to pick apart what you saying
You vve been to disneyland
You are going to turkey
That fabulous right?

You "cannot afford garden makeover" but you do have a garden and probably some weeding and plants from aldi or mortisons will be fine for a refresh

You do not earn 90k but presumably between you and dh you have decent income to go to turkey and disneyland
Your childcard fees will soon reduce

You can stay as you are or do things to change you have choices

You maybe would benefit from therapy to let go of these feelings which are stopping you from being happy .

I never had any expensive, fancy, branded things growing up, no holidays abroad OR in the UK, no takeaways ever. We literally couldn't afford to spare a single, solitary penny for those extravagances. But I was happy with my nans (not in my family home, a whole other story), and just going on bus rides around town, and visiting the local park to feed the squirrels. Just being with kind, gentle adults who loved me. I didn't need anything else. As long as a child receives love, and gentlesness, and quality time, this is whatthey remember, not that expensive trip to Centre parcs etc.

Of course I wasn’t poor, that’s the lunacy of it all, no one who travels the world and stays in 4/5* hotels is poor. My dad earned a great salary and my mums wasn’t to be sniffed at either. I’ve not claimed poverty

Op when I was a kid in the 90s I would have loved to go to Disney land or even abroad or even to a uk hotel but all my parents could afford was tent or caravan holidays in the uk. I had the best times though. They made it so fun for me. Your kids are not missing out by not going to Canada.

Exsctly. You were not poor.

Nor are you poor now.

So your feelings of inadequacy are not justified logically.

So why do you feel this way?
Discuss with a therapist

What exactly do you want to give dc that you believe you cannot?
(Canada instead of turkey is not logical)
What do dc need?

Happy positive parents
Engaged parents
Time with parents whether weekend in a tent or week in turkey

And what else???

OP book yourself a butlins or haven break and watch they joy in your kids faces...book a camping trip...book a cheap day out

it does not have to be fancy trips abroad. My kids love their camping and their caravan holidays over abroad anyday of the week. So guess which we prefer now? uk.

comparison is the thief of joy

be kind to yourself OP. we can only do what we can do.

I feel this way due to the things I had that I cannot give to my kids. Private education (not that I’d necessarily chose that path ) 5* Disney holidays and cruises, a few times a year. I’m definitely not poor, not in the vicinity of it, squeezed due to recent events and soon to be more squeezed, and in light of that I have my low moments where I wish I could be more for them.

Is that all there is to life?
Private education (not that I’d necessarily chose that path ) 5 Disney holidays and cruises, a few times a year*

And yet you were bullied ?? So?
Were you happy as a child?
Did you appreciate it all?
Were these the most important things in your life?

What made you happy as a child?
Kids who have not been on a cruise are not going to care , unless you tell them they are missing out
They surely prefer a positive parent who enjoys their life which you can be regardless of cruises

I can’t lie as a child I loved all those things, the cruises and Disney and they made me really happy. I was not a happy teen though, bullying and all that

Anyway your kids have bern to disney
No doubt you can afford a Med cruise in future

State school is fine and they will not be bulliedxfor being " poor" !

So what really is your issue?
Nothing makes sense other than your feelings which can be addrsessedthru therapy

Kids will be really happy with butlins
Try it !!

When were your kids happy recently? Why?

My goodness- wait till she's a teen- my sons expectations became enormous and usually not met.

That’s the point like I’ve said in my OP it’s irrational but at times I have these feelings, especially when dc asks for something I can’t give… sadly therapy isn’t in the budget but I’m trying to practice self love and compassion

But there will always be something.
If I could turn back time I would have set up savings plans for my dc so that I had a house deposit for them.
And put money in pensions. It literally never occured to me. My parents never saved for me.neither did dhs parents.
Honestly, if you can get through the 0 to 5 years with a roof over your head and food on the table, be glad.

If you had the ability to say to give your kids whatever they wanted would you not worry about spoiling them? Would you really always say yes?

I can't say I relate at all. Kids are so happy with simple things, a vegetable patch in the garden, a walk in the woods etc.

I feel the same way, but for different reasons. I have a severe mental health problem that has basically scuppered my career. My DC are much older than yours, but I feel guilty about the fact that as a family we've missed out on a consistent second salary and all the nice things that go along with that.

Having said that, I comfort myself with the knowledge that unlike my own awful upbringing (poverty, abuse etc), my children grew up in a generally harmonious household with parents who loved and supported them. So yes, you are right when you say that comparison is the thief of joy because the things that really matter aren't measured in financial terms.

@Bewilderedbotheredbemused you are educated and have had a good upbringing. You have the ability to change your direction if you wish to. Do it.

Whatever way people spin it, money is essential and whilst after a certain amount it may make little difference to your happiness, having a good income and not having to think about money and having options in life is a good goal to have.

One thing I will say is your kids may moan whatever you do . It may not be in terms of holidays but in decisions you make for them when they are young etc.

What have they asked for you cannot give?
Canada?
Reply yes one day , for now we going to turkey isnt that great ?
What else?
Ice cream on a sunny day?
A book?
Mum or dad reading a story?

I'm sorry you feel that way OP - but just to say that you're setting too much store by the whims of small children. It's Canada now; it'll be something else in a month's time. You need to perfect your "yes, dear" technique.

I sympathise with you on the career front - my PhD qualified me to be a SAHM for 20 years.

The things my DC remember as happy moments now are sometimes things I can't even remember having done with them!

We never had holidays growing up but I had loads of time and attention and spent a lot of time mucking about with my bf or the girl next door. It was brilliant.

Also not going on epic holidays all the time makes the ones you do manage feel so much more special.

Motherhood seems to involve a lot of guilt. There's always something to feel guilty about. I bet you're doing great.