Can’t give dcs the life I want to- failing

[Bewilderedbotheredbemused]

Im aware I’m not actually failing and I most certainly wouldn’t say another mother in my situation was failing her children, but there is a difference from cognitively knowing it and feeling it. I feel so guilty and so shitty

I just feel like such a failure. Like everyone cost of living has hit us, and our disposable income has shrunk but we still are comfortable (albeit less so than before) our mortgage will increase end of year (by a lot) and our disposable income will shrink again, but we’ll stay afloat. I do however feel I’ve got no real means of bettering our situation, both dh and I got new jobs in the last year/18 months so another promotion and pay rise is unlikely so soon.

I just wish I made more of myself so my kids could have the best. I stupidly stayed too long in education and sadly wasted time with further degrees which haven’t helped my career (humanities further degrees) and meant I was entering the workforce later in life, so don’t have as much experience as my peers.

I wish I could take them anywhere they dream of on holiday and not have to worry, not have to say no. Growing up my father had a very well paid job so we travelled the world. I wish I could give that to my kids.

does anyone else (irrationally) feel the same way? I know it’s a question of being kind to yourself and stuff but it’s that niggle inside, do others feel like this too?

oh i am, and self loathing but I do just wish I could be like that, not necessarily drop sticks and go to Canada the next day but say ok, next hols we’ll go there.

looking back I do wish I made different choices, especially in regards to subsequent degrees after my bachelors, I think I’d be in a better professional position if I had

Anyone who makes money the stuff of what real life is, should be is missing the point of having a life altogether.

Your children are young, I’m sure you have plenty of time to set your life on course.

Hard agree with this

Honestly it will be a much more valuable lesson to teach your children how much things cost and the value of money, I'm divorced and my five children have a lovely calm home now, I've managed to achieve that for them but when I was first divorced money was very tight and they learnt that there's more to life than things, they're all adults or older teens now and this year I had some extra money and offered to take them on holiday somewhere hot, it's been a long time since they've been abroad, but they said to me, that's a lot of money to spend on a weeks holiday mum (anything is expensive when there's six people) it might be better to use the money for something else, they are so sensible and that I think is priceless

I agree it’s awful - don’t get me wrong! But it is the reality. Downward social mobility is accelerating.

Those feelings come with parenting. If it wasn’t about this, it would be something else.

At the risk of being flamed, I have worried about how my dc will survive when they’re out in the world fending for themselves after a very comfortable childhood. My childhood taught me a lot of hard lessons that made me strong and resilient and gave me some great qualities.

We weren’t always in a good position financially and I remember chatting with another Montessori mum at a time when our savings had been ploughed into DH’s company and our home was pledged as a bond in the contract he had taken on. This other mum and her dh were both only children with an only child. They had their dd by ivf in their 50s and both had massive family inheritances. She was worried about how to prepare her dd to handle wealth that was likely to land in her lap at a very young age.

I remember looking at her over my coffee cup and realising that we had so much in common as mums worrying about the world our dc would grow into, even though our problems were poles apart.

You’re not failing your dc. But worrying that you might be is usually the sign that you’re a caring, thoughtful parent - and if they have one of those they’ll probably be ok.

I’d avoid taking them into a travel agent if you can’t afford a holiday right now. Kids don’t ‘get’ delayed gratification at 4. Just focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t and give them all the time and attention you can.

we know some super rich people who work all the hours and their kids want what every kid wants- fun with their family.

My 7 year old looks back at lockdown as her glory days, I was on mat leave so she had me and her new brother all day every day- no holidays, no cinema, no restaurants, no days out. But loads of time having picnics in the garden, walks, playing on the trampoline, home made ice lollies, crafting, chatting, movie days etc etc. She was 4 at the time too.

It sounds like you had an above-average/very good quality of life growing up though, and now still have a decent quality of life but it feels less than because you can't provide the same privileges your parents did. I don't think you have actually gone backwards, but the world has got more expensive. I'm the same age as you and there was certainly no prosperity and holidays in my childhood. If you want to earn more, though, a year-18 months seems like a fine amount of time to me to start looking for another job, I've never stayed in one longer than three years,

We did book a hols, just not the hols of my kids dreams (Canada) she’ll be disappointed in where we’re going

Kindly... they're 4 and 2! Any holiday you take them on now won't even be remembered.

A 4 year old has no concept of money. Taking her into a travel agent and showing her a bunch of shiny brochures will obviously make her 'want to go'. Not sure why you took her in there in the first place!

Anyway... once both children are in school, nursery fees won't need to be paid and you'll probably find you can save for a holiday.

I'm a single parent and can't afford to take DD abroad. I watch everyone around me taking their kids to far-flung destination holidays. I take DD on days out, camping trips, theatre trips, city breaks... we have a great time.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You haven't wasted your time studying. You did what was right for you at the time. No point regretting what's done. Give work a chance... everything can change so quickly. People leave. Opportunities come up. You get head-hunted. Anything can happen!

Your children are so young. You've got plenty of time to have that holiday if a lifetime. And it'll be so much better when the children can understand what's going on, get excited about it and remember going!

The irony is due to my school peers I definitely felt like I had a low income lifestyle. I recall getting picked on because we stayed in a Hilton (in time square I think) in new York rather than the plaza… how ridiculous right.

im less than a year, hubs is shy of 18 months but at his level I think he needs a bit more experience in this role and jumping up, that’s the feeling he’s got when he’s got through to interview stage when he’s applied

Oh we were chatting through some deals we saw online and booked a little summer hols that’s why we were there

There are children who will go to bed hungry tonight, and again tomorrow.
count your blessing, your child(ten) are in a very privileged position.

What?! Your nearly 4 year old will be disappointed in a holiday that isn’t Canada?

OP I think you may have somehow got it wrong with them along the line, but not in the way you think. Maybe try resetting their expectations. They are 3 and 1, they don’t need to go to Canada. Loads of people can only dream of a holiday right now and you’ve just booked one for them.

I’m feeling slightly suspicious of the good faith of this thread tbh.

Happiness is achieved by appreciating what you have already. Stop comparing yourself to others. Kids that young don't need expensive holidays. You can make everyday things fun that's cheap. Paddling in a river/sea, picnics or eating their tea outside on a rug. Making sandcastles, swimming, arts and crafts and nature walks. Cheap tent, disposable barbecue and plenty of snacks for a cheap break. My wee one loves his fishing net in the river and prefers this to busy noisy places.

So you are taking them on holiday. You do realise how lucky you are to even be going on 'a little summer hols'? Please stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Enjoy your time with your children. They'll love wherever you take them.

A 4 year old really won't be disappointed about not going to Canada unless you make a big deal of it. I don't understand why you gave a 4 year old the idea that Canada was even an option? When she was looking at the brochure why didn't you tell her that it would be fabulous to go there but it's too much money? But that hopefully one day when she's much older it's something you could do?

In the kindest way, you're showing your child something she can't have and then getting upset when your child goes on about wanting it. You need to manage the situation better. Either don't show her what she can't have or show it to her in an aspirational way.

Sorry OP but you need to get yourself out of this hole of self pitty.

You think your 4 yo will be disappointed by your holiday destination?! I hope you don’t project those feelings onto her. Your 4 yo will be delighted to go away, holidays are fun even if they’re just camping an hour away.

You need to sort your attitude out before it rubs off on your kids.

Do your colleagues earning 90k have kids?

For the Canada thing I’d really lean into. Use the travel brochure to cut it up and make a collarge (sp). Learn about the animals of Canada and see if she can learn them all. Can she draw a bear etc. Just focus her attention away from actually going there. Frankly if I did have the money there’s no way I’d be going there with a 2 and 4 yo.

Be grateful for what you have, it sounds like you have a few hang ups from your childhood. It’s time to acknowledge them and let them go before it really impacts on the happiness and expectations of your family.

I think you just need to keep reminding yourself of this – you know that's ridiculous that your peers said that, and it sounds like they were a wealthy bubble which isn't most people's norm. Obviously as a kid you'll have thought that was normal rather than having the context of other people's lives, so it's not surprising you've internalised it but intellectually you know it's silly. Wealth doesn't = a good childhood, nor does less wealth mean a bad one.

Plus it's all relative, my parents never took me abroad or even on UK holidays beyond visiting grandparents in a crap coastal city, so now I've got my own flat and can afford to travel I feel like I've done great, and I appreciate travelling far more than I would've done as a kid – but others might look at me and go ew, a tiny one bed flat in a rough area in south east London? What a failure!

Yeah she will be, I mean she’ll get over it.

curious what you mean by suspicious of good faith?

she’s heard about Canada (god knows where) and is desperate to go. We walked past a travel agent last week and went in to chat about future hols and she picked up travel brochures to Canada (after deciding she must go, she asked the agent for one and they gave it) and Disney florida and she always looks at them and points out to me the places she ‘needs’ to go to there.

Not giving a 4 year old a holiday to Canada or Disneyland because she demands it is good parenting, not failing! My 4 year old constantly tells me she wants to go to Tokyo. We could theoretically afford it but taking 12 hour flights at an age where she can't even form long-term memories is my idea of hell!

Having the money to say yes to everything children ask for doesn't do anything positive for them. I'm sure your dc will be fine.

I’m not sure where she got Canada from, she came home from nursery saying it’s a very nice holiday place and she needs to go? So maybe they were talking about Holidays. I said oh ok, maybe we can go when you’re bigger and we can go whale watching on a boat (she likes whales). We then went to the travel agent on the weekend, she asked one of the agents to go to Canada so they got her a brochure. She found the Disney florida one herself when she was wandering around (of course she did haha)

I feel the same way, probably irrationally. You sound a lot like me - I didn't think my education through and it ended up being a waste of time. I then went on to do menial jobs, and unfortunately so did my DH. We have a good life compared to many - we own our small home and run two cars, have a UK based holiday each year. But growing up I was quite spoiled and I have irrational guilt that I can't provide the same standard of living for my own DC. I feel like my family must be really disappointed in me, even though I know they're not really.

Your not a loser and those friends are probably just as jealous of you as very high wages comes a lot of stress in a job usually!

Nursery fees are expensive and it will feel lighter in a few years. We do still go on holiday but I now buy all my children's clothes from Vinted or NCT sales. I spend £100 every 6 months for 2 of them and then save the rest of the money I would have spent.

As for Canada my DS1 is the same and the same age I explained to him that he wouldn't be able to do most things there as he's too little so we will think about it when he's 10!

You don't know where your career will lead my early career I didn't need my masters but my current job I am one of the few without a PhD!