Son (12) is causing trouble as part of a gang and messing with knifes

[Alyson1991]

My son turns 12 tomorrow (18th of may). His behaviour for over a month or so has been horrendous! Lying, manipulating, sneaking out when grounded, searching for his device when it’s been taken off him etc. then last week he had friends at home, thought his dad and I were both at work and his dad caught him handling a knife (big kitchen knife) in front of his friends in our house. Every consequence is ignored or broken, we’ve taken away pocket money, limited his devices, grounded him, gave him extra chores, asked the school to discuss his behaviour with him, cancelled days out and outings but nothing seems to be getting through to him. Yesterday he snuck out whilst grounded and I found out him and 4 of his friends had knocked one of their other ‘friends’ to the ground and had punched and kicked him as a gang (5 against 1!). He also lied at first and said he wasn’t there until I caught him out. I have made him apologise to the boy and his family, today I have taken away his devices and grounded him. However we have a couple of nights in a cabin booked for tomorrow for his birthday and I don’t feel he should go. I think he should get 1 present, a small cupcake or something and a half decent dinner at home but I feel that sound be it because he needs a short sharp shock and needs to take it seriously. What are everyone’s thoughts? Do I keep him at home? If so how do I handle his bday without ignoring it but also without making it too special as I think he needs a real fright. All advice appreciated, an overwhelmed and out of her depth mother x

This is great advice.

Grounding and consequences would just create more distance and resentment between you, very unlikely to have the desired affect.

Therapy, intervention from a mentor (male figure he will respect/can use as a role model), filling his after school hour with a hobby or sport.
I would also seriously consider moving areas but might be unrealistic.

A shame the child being assaulted didn't go to the Police and report them all. I've no suggestions there's always someone else bigger, stronger, more violent and he's actively seeking out such a confrontation. Terrifying.

OP hasnt been back has she.

I'm not sure moving is the answer. He's going to lean in to this threatening persona once he feels isolated. I'd get some advice from the Family Information Service or check out what the Police do locally to tackle teens at risk of offending

Personally i feel when anyone feels like they are losing contact with their child then they need to do activities together to re-engage. The problem with taking away his games etc and grounding him is that you are making his home life boring and so the pull of his friends will be even stronger.

Go away with him and start demonstrating that there is lots of different ways of having fun and excitement. Try and find something he really enjoys that he gets a bit of the thrill from and try and find how he can do this when you get home.

Contact your local police, get them to give him a talking too!

Try to divert his interests and energy into any sport/hobby/activity - that can completely change his behaviour - even if financial costs of it are high.

Take him to the cabin.

Take all electronics away, for everyone, if the cabin has a TV then get the owner to take it away.

Have a weekend of walks, board games, reading, and talking, lots of talking and even more importantly listening, both / all of you.

Everyone in the family says how his behaviour affects them.

Can you move school?
Anything to break him away from an unhealthy peer group.

Move if you can, or at least move schools.

I’d be frog-marching him to the nearest police station for them to give him a good talking-to, shown round the cells, too, to show him what the consequences of his actions will be if he carries on as he is.
there would be no birthday acknowledgement whatsoever.
I say this as a mum of boys and this is exactly what I’d do

You report him to the police, before he kills someone, that’s what I’d do. My son was badly assaulted at school by a child aged 12 and I reported him to the police for assault and they took it very seriously.

Tigofigo · Today 08:06
I'd take him away. Have fun together. Love. Reconnect. Remind him of the importance and role of family.

What have you done with him recently to spend time with him?

It sounds like he's found "family" among this gang, and you need to strengthen the actual family bonds to help counter it”

You’re assuming that OP doesn’t already do all of those things. Unfair. Children from the most caring homes can and do go off the rails.

If my child did this they'd be getting a trip to the police station for a firm talking to 😮

I don’t understand how much money pp must have if they can just move at the drop of a hat? And how they think it’s possible to be on the boy 24hrs a day. The OP may very well have to work to keep a roof over her head.

op take your son away not for his birthday but as others have said to reconnect. Leave the phone at home. Keep your phones locked in the car. If you can don’t touch your phone all weekend.

empty the house of knives seriously keep them in the garage/shed/loft even normal dinner knives and only use them for their purpose and lock them away. I would even cut up his dinner for him and tell him he clearly can’t be trusted with one. Put a different lock on the front and back door, lock the windows and hide the keys. Go to the police about him take him there yourself.

and to the other posters who are grieving and to the poster whose child tried to hurt themselves my heart goes out to you, I am so so sorry. There is no terror in the world like it.

What was his childhood like? Is he your birth child? Has he ever experienced any trauma? Been witness to domestic violence?
I work with families like yours and very rarely is there a lack of trauma in the childs past. You need to understand why he is behaving like this so you can address the root causes.

What is your financial situation? Can you afford to move houses? Home school for a bit? Afford family therapy?

You need to up your supervision. Walk him to school. Pick him up. Have him help you cook, tidy around the house, etc so he can't sneak off.

If he has a smart phone sawp for a basic phone.

I think I would celebrate his birthday as usual and spend one on one time with him. Discipline rarely work without a strong relationship.

i take a different view, birthday presents and trip should be unconditional. The boy needs something normal to look forward to . Show him what a healthy life is like. Make being part of the family enjoyable.
but also crack down on his behaviour. I’ve read on here about parents taking their teenagers to the school entrance and collecting them to prevent out of school mixing with gangs.

i agreee with pp you need to cut him off from this peer group. Are there any hobbies you could foster? Tennis, chess, music? Family film nights.

Honestly if it was me I’d be speaking to the police to give him a wake up call and I’d be looking into changing schools/moving to get him away from the other kids.

Op no what’s your general area like?

your school can help. They can move him to another local school for 2 weeks, keeping him on role in both. It will give him a chance to see you’re not messing around and him a chance of a break from it.

sign him up to clubs, and in return for going and making an effort he gets his Xbox and phone x amount of time.

if this doesn’t work, do you have the option of sending him to grandparents or similar for a while and sign him up in a local school there?

I know there's been loads of comments since but this is the one I agree with.

school should have a range of after school clubs. Is there a gym he can join?

I know you're probably not coming back to the thread, but your mention of a cupcake being a short sharp shock suggests you are not taking this remotely seriously enough.

This is more important than anything else in your life, and I would strongly suggest moving house, no matter WHAT level of upheaval it causes your family, and obviously moving school.

In an ideal world you would move at least an hour or two away and get him into an independent school with a significant repuation for sport and get him 100% distracted by that.

You're at a crossroads now where your decisions may well save a life. It could be his, or it could be the boy he stabs next year.

There is a horrible pevaisive gang culture in schools right now. Even if it's not deliberate bullying, the things they get up to 'for a laugh' are pretty bad. So you can guarantee this behaviour is happening in school too so you need to see what they can do to help

I'm not sure moving is the right answer. What if he isn't following, but leading?
You'd just take the problem with you

Absolutely not, give him nothing.

OP I think comments here are very harsh. 12 is still very young.

Dial down fuss and presents but do take him away. As early pp said, try to talk without too much judgment and just move in nature.

I understand the urge to punish but the question is what will work to keep him out of future trouble. He needs attention as well as sanctions.