Son (12) is causing trouble as part of a gang and messing with knifes

[Alyson1991]

My son turns 12 tomorrow (18th of may). His behaviour for over a month or so has been horrendous! Lying, manipulating, sneaking out when grounded, searching for his device when it’s been taken off him etc. then last week he had friends at home, thought his dad and I were both at work and his dad caught him handling a knife (big kitchen knife) in front of his friends in our house. Every consequence is ignored or broken, we’ve taken away pocket money, limited his devices, grounded him, gave him extra chores, asked the school to discuss his behaviour with him, cancelled days out and outings but nothing seems to be getting through to him. Yesterday he snuck out whilst grounded and I found out him and 4 of his friends had knocked one of their other ‘friends’ to the ground and had punched and kicked him as a gang (5 against 1!). He also lied at first and said he wasn’t there until I caught him out. I have made him apologise to the boy and his family, today I have taken away his devices and grounded him. However we have a couple of nights in a cabin booked for tomorrow for his birthday and I don’t feel he should go. I think he should get 1 present, a small cupcake or something and a half decent dinner at home but I feel that sound be it because he needs a short sharp shock and needs to take it seriously. What are everyone’s thoughts? Do I keep him at home? If so how do I handle his bday without ignoring it but also without making it too special as I think he needs a real fright. All advice appreciated, an overwhelmed and out of her depth mother x

I agree with this. This could be your only opportunity to turn this around before it escalates.

My sleepy village has recently lost 2 kids to knife crime. It's devastated the community, the families of the both the murdered children and the young murderers.

Knife crime is on the up, not a day goes by snd another young child is slaughtered. And it isn't always gang related.

You are obviously distraught and out your depth as to what to do. There needs to be more support for parents to help stop this escalating.

In my opinion I would not cancel the trip away, as PPs have said, it is a good opportunity to have one to one time away from negative influences and screens.

Can you afford family counselling? I hope some more knowledgeable posters can sign post you to appropriate help.

The thing with knives is, that once a youngster gets it out to threaten someone with it. There is no going back. They can't/won't can't meekly put it away again. They end up stabbing someone with disastrous consequences.

This is an epidemic for our young people and I'm so sorry you and your family are caught up in it.

There should be a media campaign to get parents to check their kids school bags for knives.

You may think "Not my kid" but knife crime is a huge problem and only going to get worse.

I hope you get some help OP.

This needs a massive intervention now like moving schools and caling the police for the assault. It doesn't sound like he's just got in with a bad crowd, he is well and truly part of the cause of all of this. He needs isolation from this group entirely.

I would move. The gang only gets worse and no good will come if it all. Take him away, talk to him and try to get him to understand that his actions have consequences. He needs to find a different group of friends.

A cupcake , a small present and a nice dinner ? After he was involved in a gang attack of another child? I'd be marching him to a police station for his birthday

If this was my child I would be looking to report him for assault because your tactics clearly aren't working.
I would also be requesting the school to caf/Marf the behaviour and possibly looking into any youth crime prevention programs in the area. Before your child becomes another statistic

Hopefully some one will call the police , not that they will do much

My 12 year old ds was attacked by a group of 11 and 12 years olds on his way home from school last month.

If it was my son he wouldn't be having a birthday at all. You need to get a grip on him he's 11 years old and you can't even keep him in the house between the pair of you? Good luck in a couple of years time.

I agree with other posters. Get the police to give him a shock. Move away - no excuses, you really need to get him away before it escalates. I may keep the cabin and use it as a chance to chat away from usual circumstances.

He's attacking children in gangs and you can't even keep in the house. You're still thinking of giving him presents and cake? Unbelievable

Get the police to speak to him.

You really need to take some serious action, not go on about cupcakes.

It sounds like your kid has some serious issues, got into the wrong crowd and is getting out of control.

At this stage he could seriously hurt someone else or get hurt himself in a fight.

Your need to consider drastic action. I would actually look at moving full stop or at least changing school.

You should try to get advice from organisations that support young people, especially those who are involved in gangs, or even social service because I really don't think you have any kind of grasp of the situation at the moment.

I know this goes against the grain but I would try and reconnect with him. Look at some alternate activities to engage with that are more constructive- sport, scouts, etc. The problem is the more alienated he feels from his family the more he will turn to his friends.

I found all my ds tricky at that age and ds2 in particular was going down a worrying path. It all went badly wrong but has now ended up with us having an incredibly close relationship.

For his birthday it would need to be low key but afterwards I would try and have a 'grown up' conversation with him about behaviour and consequences and decide on a plan together to support him in making better choices.

I would also look for some more support. We have a local charity that offer parenting and teen support.

When we had issues involving the police they do 'words of advice' where they speak to young people about their actions.

My 9 year old son has recently tried to hang himself because he is being bullied and hurt at school, your son is 11 and attacked another child as part of a gang, his actions will have an impact on his victim . It is utterly despicable behaviour, you need to come down on him like a tonne of bricks, if he was my son cupcakes would be the least of his worries.

I would try to understand why he is acting like this, he's still very young. Has he experienced abuse or bullying? I wouldn't cancel your break, but I would start seriously limiting his contact with this gang, by taking away or severely restricting his phone and by driving him to/from school until he shows an improvement.

I also agree with @lorisparkle there are charities that work with young offenders who might help you with counselling, advice etc.

The people here saying they would report him to the police etc etc are really full of crap.
I would though show him some stories about children who have been charged with offences due to harming others. You also need to know where he is all the time. Try and get him into some organised activities away from these peers.
I would however consider moving his school. He needs to be away from the other kids. Sometimes kids meet other kids who are a bad influence on each other. It can be difficult to break these relationships.

I wouldn’t cancel the trip. Use it to reconnect as a family. All of you should stay off devices as much as possible.

back at home, I would start by walking him to and from school every day. Make sure one of you is always home to supervise him. Basically, you need to go back to a child mode level of supervision because he can’t be trusted.

I also agree with the cabin trip to go ahead. I'd withhold anything else until behaviour improves, though. Use the time away as a 'reset' , and make it clear that you are giving him one chance to reset and change behaviour.

I would show him newspaper/ online stuff about bullying, gangs, and knives.
Then, put the fear of God into him. Make it crystal clear that any repetition when you return home and he will feel your wrath. And mean it.

I work with challenging teenagers. I would recommend that you go away, take his phone and leave it at home. Whilst you are away do a lot of walking and talking and basically try and get through to him. Watch films as a family and get to grips with him because you are losing him. One thing to always bear in mind dealing with this type of thing is they do not have to want to behave. They just have to behave. Stop talking about what you want them to want and tell them what to do and the consequences if they do not. Good luck

I’m so sorry. Absolutely horrible. I hope your son is recovering and the perpetrators got their comeuppance.

It is a really tricky line to walk, staying connected to him and also challenging the (serious) incidents and behaviours he is taking part in. I would still go on the trip and use it to try and reconnect, do some research first though into what shape this might take so you don't end up just arguing.

When you get back I would be pursuing referrals through school, the police, social services, any charities that deal with gangs, anti-social, criminal behaviours in young teens etc. basically look everywhere for skilled support to try and keep him on the right track. Read up about NVR - non-violent resistance too.

Is there the possibly of any undiagnosed SEN, problems with impulse control and executive function? So many boys who get into trouble are undiagnosed with ADHD etc.

Birthday should absolutely be cancelled. Give the cabin up or post pone it. He can spend his birthday walking the streets and the local park with you with a bin bag collecting litter-a very humbling experience. Then have a word with your local police station and ask them if they could give him a bit of a stern chat. A friend of mine took her son to visit some boarding schools the shock of that drastically improved his behaviour,

I am so very sorry for your loss. What a horrible way to have a young life ended. Sending you love and strength.

Get the police to speak to him about knife crime.

Just because you'd protect your little thug doesn't mean the rest of us would