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Original poster

Son (12) is causing trouble as part of a gang and messing with knifes

229 replies

Alyson1991 · 17/05/2023 21:13

My son turns 12 tomorrow (18th of may). His behaviour for over a month or so has been horrendous! Lying, manipulating, sneaking out when grounded, searching for his device when it’s been taken off him etc. then last week he had friends at home, thought his dad and I were both at work and his dad caught him handling a knife (big kitchen knife) in front of his friends in our house. Every consequence is ignored or broken, we’ve taken away pocket money, limited his devices, grounded him, gave him extra chores, asked the school to discuss his behaviour with him, cancelled days out and outings but nothing seems to be getting through to him. Yesterday he snuck out whilst grounded and I found out him and 4 of his friends had knocked one of their other ‘friends’ to the ground and had punched and kicked him as a gang (5 against 1!). He also lied at first and said he wasn’t there until I caught him out. I have made him apologise to the boy and his family, today I have taken away his devices and grounded him. However we have a couple of nights in a cabin booked for tomorrow for his birthday and I don’t feel he should go. I think he should get 1 present, a small cupcake or something and a half decent dinner at home but I feel that sound be it because he needs a short sharp shock and needs to take it seriously. What are everyone’s thoughts? Do I keep him at home? If so how do I handle his bday without ignoring it but also without making it too special as I think he needs a real fright. All advice appreciated, an overwhelmed and out of her depth mother x

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CosmosQueen · 18/05/2023 07:36

MakesMeFeelSad · 17/05/2023 22:42

Just because you'd protect your little thug doesn't mean the rest of us would

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Hear, hear!
I hope that the parents of the ‘friend’ he and the other thugs attacked have reported all of them to the police and the school.
I would be utterly horrified if my son had done any of the things that yours has, I certainly wouldn’t be taking him on a break or giving him birthday presents!

Jonei · 18/05/2023 07:37

I'd use the break away to really try and find out what's going on with him. I'd also consider taking him out of that school.

Catsmakemehappy · 18/05/2023 07:38

I think now is a pivotal time . The more you push back the more you will push him away and into this way of live . Try to remember them lovely boy he was . Don’t keep berating him for the past, if he has apologised try to rep moving followed . Use the time away to bring that boy you use to know back out , love him, can you get him into some physical activities so he has less time hanging about and is physically tired . Talk to him ask him what’s going on , he could be hurt , maybe something has happened to him and that’s why he is taking his anger out on others . I hope everything works out . This time will pass and get easier . 🥰

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Lavenderheys · 18/05/2023 07:39

Not sure why you’re wondering about keeping him at home. He’s not a stray dog you can return. If this were my son he wouldnt be leaving the house expect for school. No devices, no treats, no presents. I would be looking for some external help.

@Iguessyourestuckwithme so very sorry for your loss.

Robinbuildsbears · 18/05/2023 07:40

Unfortunately, a boy like that isn't going to listen to his mother. You need your husband to step up and discipline him properly (not with violence, just with authority). Currently he clearly has no respect for either of you, he needs to be reminded that he isn't the "alpha" of the family now he's hitting puberty. Once he starts to respect his father as an authority figure, he'll naturally go back to respecting you again.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 18/05/2023 07:41

Talk to the police for advice but I also agree with those that are saying to take him away. Find out what’s changed. It’s rarely as simple as falling into the wrong crowd especially at 11.

anyolddinosaur · 18/05/2023 07:42

Take him away still, use the time to talk about what has happened. No presents because his behaviour was bad and bad behaviour has consequences. He needs to see alternatives - what does he do/ can he do with his dad or older men that will show good examples. Can you get him involved with st johns ambulance, they will take him to events when older?

CosmosQueen · 18/05/2023 07:43

anyolddinosaur · 18/05/2023 07:42

Take him away still, use the time to talk about what has happened. No presents because his behaviour was bad and bad behaviour has consequences. He needs to see alternatives - what does he do/ can he do with his dad or older men that will show good examples. Can you get him involved with st johns ambulance, they will take him to events when older?

I honestly don’t think St John’s Ambulance will welcome a thug like this boy so they can rehabilitate him Ffs!

bamboonights · 18/05/2023 07:45

It may not be possible but I'd consider moving. And absolutely NOTHING for his birthday.

Meeting · 18/05/2023 07:49

Zero birthday trip/presents.

Honestly he needs a shock, however you feel it is necessary to give one

Climbles · 18/05/2023 07:50

Punishment doesn’t work. He will just become angrier at you and it will entrench the idea that you are the enemy and not to listen to you. I agree that you have a very short period of time to intervene, before it’s too late. Move house, take away all devices and get him involved in scouts, sports, drama etc.

Badgeringabout · 18/05/2023 07:55

Wowzel · 17/05/2023 21:51

I think i'd move house if I could.

This if at all possible.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/05/2023 07:57

Short term I think I would go away to the cabin to get a break from it all. I understand why PPS are saying not to give him the holiday but it's crap for you too!
So I'd go, he's not allowed any gadgets. He can take a magazine, a board game and a book or something.
I wouldn't make a fanfare around him though.

The beating up another kid is absolutely shocking though.
Long term I would 100% move away.

NeedToChangeName · 18/05/2023 07:58

Findyourneutralspace · 17/05/2023 21:28

I actually think you should take him away from the negative influences and use the time to chat about what’s going on in his life. Don’t judge, just be curious and ask questions that he will have to really think about the answers to.
Maybe don’t make a big song and dance about his birthday but the cabin is paid for and time where he has nowhere to run to and your undivided attention might be a whole lot more productive.

Agree with this

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/05/2023 07:59

My other thought was your tactics aren't working so maybe you need to switch it up. Instead of saying "if you're bad you get x taken away" try saying "if you manage to stay out of trouble this week, I'll take you to pizza hut/cinema/whatever" (obviously something you are involved with otherwise hell just go off with his friends and get up to mischief). But yeh maybe give him something to work towards. I know it sounds a bit childish but maybe that would work.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/05/2023 07:59

My other thought was your tactics aren't working so maybe you need to switch it up. Instead of saying "if you're bad you get x taken away" try saying "if you manage to stay out of trouble this week, I'll take you to pizza hut/cinema/whatever" (obviously something you are involved with otherwise hell just go off with his friends and get up to mischief). But yeh maybe give him something to work towards. I know it sounds a bit childish but maybe that would work.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/05/2023 08:00

Sorry I got a notification my message didn't post initially!

Merlinsbeard83 · 18/05/2023 08:03

You obviously have no power or control over his behaviour. It will escalate.As others have said you need to get the school or police involved . He and his friends need to realise how appalling their behaviour is

Tigofigo · 18/05/2023 08:06

I'd take him away. Have fun together. Love. Reconnect. Remind him of the importance and role of family.

What have you done with him recently to spend time with him?

It sounds like he's found "family" among this gang, and you need to strengthen the actual family bonds to help counter it.

saraclara · 18/05/2023 08:06

Cancelling his birthday won't work, for this reason

He will just become angrier at you and it will entrench the idea that you are the enemy and not to listen to you

Use that time to connect with him. Then when you return, contact some of the organisations that have been suggested here.
Early intervention by people outside the family who understand the psychology of group violence and young boys is the way forward.

AgrathaChristie · 18/05/2023 08:07

found out him and 4 of his friends had knocked one of their other ‘friends’ to the ground and had punched and kicked him as a gang (5 against 1!).

I’d have hauled him off to the police for this. I told my children at an early age if they ever broke the law I would call the police myself and hand them over. Crime would not be tolerated.
You have to come down hard in him.

Tigofigo · 18/05/2023 08:07

Meeting · 18/05/2023 07:49

Zero birthday trip/presents.

Honestly he needs a shock, however you feel it is necessary to give one

Please don't do this.

All this will do is create sadness, resentment and disconnection, driving him closer to the gang and further away from you.

Pinkplasticbathcup · 18/05/2023 08:07

I agree with others taking him and connecting as a family I think would be beneficial. Someone above also suggested therapy (both individual and as a family) I think would also be the way to go.
Do the parents of the other kids know wha going on? Can you get together with them and figure out an approach so all the ‘gang’ are getting the same message?

Pinkplasticbathcup · 18/05/2023 08:10

There’s a book called Raising Boys which you also might find useful - he needs to find stabilising male influences. Sports coach or similar. He’s at an age where he’s looking for his influences outside the home. Does he have any hobbies?

NewLeafAgain · 18/05/2023 08:18

Gosh, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope you do take him away in an attempt to reconnect as a family.

Has he always had risky, aggressive or impulsive tendencies? Was he quiet and trying to fit in by doing this?
I know you feel out of your depth but you need to access all available services urgently (like today and tomorrow as some may not be available at weekend) and get yourself well informed so when you get back from trip it's all systems go with whatever intervention is in place.