Mum looks after DS 2 days per week, but doesn’t do any activities….

[HJB2021]

Hi

My mum has DS for usually 2 days per week whilst I work, he is 20 months. I’m extremely grateful for her having him, and is saving us a fortune. She is so loving and adores DS, I just feel a bit worried because he stays in her home all day, and mostly in the living room. She plays with him but they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram), he has a long nap so that breaks up the day. She’s too shy to go to groups, she’s too scared to take him to the park (he is unstable on his feet and tries to run everywhere).

When I pick him up I try fit in soft play some days so he’s done something. When I’m with him I get him out as much as possible so he usually has busy days. I’m just worried as he loves being out the house, and am I being a bad mum putting him in this situation?

I feel really down about it tbh and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

thanks

The telly being on is shit. I think if you’re paying her you could say - could you take him out today to get some fresh air. If she says no maybe drop it up one day a week?

At the risk of sounding like a Monty Python sketch, I was a toddler in the 50s. We spent a lot of time in the kitchen, the main source of fun being the pan cupboard, the vegetable rack and the wooden clothes horse. On one memorable and never repeated occasion, the coal scuttle.
My DC were toddlers in the 90s and there was a lot of den building with cardboard boxes and blankets, doll's hospital with shoe boxes, sorting socks, building bricks, and general pootling. Maybe toddler group once a week and the park and library once or twice a week.
It was all fine.
It is all good for learning self entertainment.
Spending time with granny is the best.

Sorry OP. I didn't see your update as I hadn't refreshed the page. I do agree about the TV. That isn't good. Is it at least suitable programmes?

Definitely overthinking, I know that feeling well. If he's kept busy the other days it's probably good he has the quiet days too for some balance. It's good for kids to be able to have slower days and entertain themselves without needing to be constantly out and about. He's getting some different experiences and spending valuable time with his grandma. It's a good thing. Try not to judge yourself harshly or place too many expectations on yourself. There's no harm in you also having some quiet days at home with him if that's what you feel like some days.

There's nothing wrong with what your mother is doing. Your child will thrive from having a close, loving bond with his granny.
If she's anything like my mother in law who looked after my eldest 2 days per week, she'll have him reading before he starts school. My eldest is 40 now, but still talks about how much she loved going to granny's.

Sorry but being paid to watch your child then having him watch television all day isint acceptable.

Can you afford nursery for the days she watches him?

I wouldn't worry about him being anxious at nursery, all children take a bit of time to get used to it but it really is the best environment for them to be in.

2 days a week with no outside activities is fine. She plays with him so he isn't just looking at tv. I wouldn't worry about this at all.

It was the norm for babies to spend all day at home with their Mum, playing and babbling. Letting their bodies and brain neurology develop at a slow natural pace when they were ready. Not being stressed by over-stimulation, comparisons, parental pressure to develop faster, sooner, better.

This obsession with ridiculous "baby activities" is not for the benefit of babies.

Please don't worry, they don't need to be doing something all the time, time at home with your mum's undivided attention is just as beneficial to your toddler than doing activities! You definitely don't need to take him to soft play when you pick him up.

Being bored and solo play are really good for toddlers, days at home playing with them and letting them entertain themselves should make up parts of your week for sure.....and you sit and enjoy a coffee while he does 😂

Sounds fine especially if he has a busy week with you 2 days saying un having her full attention is probably better than any soft play! Buy a tuff tray and make up some quick easy activities she can set out loads off ideas on Google.

What sort of things are in the kitchen and hall that should be moved to make these areas child proof? What's in the garden that makes it unsafe?

Sorry but being paid to watch your child then having him watch television all day isint acceptable.

The tv being on is not the same thing as watching it all day. My MiL and SiL are like this - the TV is always on in the background, but they're ignoring it a lot of the time. That's the picture OP painted.

And she also said she's paying her less than nursery rates. It is appropriate to pay her some money even if she's doing the bare minimum, as she's still setting aside her day to do it.

If the telly isn't being watched though why put it on?

If Op's Mum wants some "background noise" why not the radio for example?

I don't disagree, I find it a bit too much noise and chaos. But lots of people do it, and if he's ignoring it to play, what difference does it make?

It could be worse - my MIL has a tv in her living room AND dining room, and she often leaves them both on at the same time, on different channels. You can hear both of them from the living room. And my DD generally ignores them both!

It sounds awful to me, to be honest.

I don’t think anyone needs to go to toddler or baby groups - I do, but that’s my choice - but no time in the garden, no feeding ducks, no visits to the park or library sounds miserable to me.

Personally, I’d go with nursery. The nursery DS goes to has a covered area so they always spend some time outside even if the weather is dreadful!

For what it’s worth and from someone with older teenagers and a mum long gone now, I would absolutely not worry about any of this. This is very precious time your child has with his grandmother that you will be so glad of in later years. And your child and mum will have a lovely relationship. Don’t worry about him being indoors all day, don’t worry about the TV. It’s 2 days a week and very soon, he’ll be at preschool and before you know if, at school. Make the most of this time and arrangement. Your son is somewhere where he’s safe and loved. I would have worried about the same things as you are when my children were that age (we all just want to do the best for them) but I think you have a lovely arrangement here.

I'd be less pleased with this - mainly as I did try and limit screen time and background noise isn't great however it's her house so will be hard to try and get her to change.

It's still only two days - and presumably she does interact with him so he still get 1 on 1 with an adult -so grand scheme of things it really shouldn't have any impact on him.

If you can afford another day of paid childcare - maybe as he gets old and more mobile if the same pattern continue drop it to one day a week - though she may start to take him out more as he continues to develop and it gets a bit easier.

The joys of not paying for childcare, if u want someone qualified who follows EYFS u need to pay.

I can’t imagine he’ll be happy to stay in one room all day for much longer! How unsafe is the garden and the rest of the house? When he starts needing to use the toilet/he’ll have to be backwards and forwards to the bathroom.

they don’t even go out for a walk (he hates his pram)

What sort of pram is it? I would buy him a stroller he likes for her house.

Wow are you feeling a bit bitter … I assume you had to pay for childcare 🤨

Some grandparents love having their grandchildren, my mum retired the minute she found out I was pregnant so she could be my childcare when I went back to work, she loved every minute of it, even now my daughter is a teen she asks when she can have her overnight !

This

My dc had to entertain themselves at times, and that was fine. My Mum worked ft when they were small, so I didn't have the option of free childcare. They went to a lovely childminder 3 days per week. She had a very small garden where they played, they would occasionally go to the park with her, but certainly not every day.

On my two non working days they quite often spent time in front of the TV whilst I sorted washing etc, or their outing was to the supermarket to do the weekly shop.

They are now in their 20s and it doesn't seem to have affected them!

But he is out the house, hes out of his own home. Ino its a home setting buts its no different to a childminders! Kids dont need to be out of the house constantly!

I’m far from bitter. Don’t be defensive just because you didn’t pay for childcare. There’s no right or wrong answer but OP is concerned that her mother doesn’t do anything with her child. Unfortunately we can’t have it every way. We either pay and can dictate what happens to a degree or we have the childcare for free and have to suck up any part of it we don’t like.

Yes this.

It’ll be good for him to spend that 1:1 with your mum. I had the same with mine; my mum made it look effortless and got them involved in cooking and laundry. It was lovely.