I want out

[MrFriendZone]

I just don't want to be a parent or husband anymore. I know we're "not meant to say this" but it's how I feel, but the usual convenience traps of money, options and of course offspring (!) are making me miserable as I have no options with my own life.

Let me explain my situation - I'd love to hear opinions on whether I'm right/wrong in my thoughts.

I'm the husband in this relationship (married, 10 years). I have a very busy and demanding job Mon-Fri whilst my wife is a stay at home mum, managing the kids and the mental load. We're both mid-30s.

We have two children, 6 and 8. The 8 year old is a chronic whinger, the 6 year old is an endless ball of energy.

As always in your 30s with two kids, money is consumed by them and the house/cars/growing bills/after school clubs/clothes etc. We do alright, but I'm always having to watch it (to be brutally honest, it makes me resent having kids a bit).

In terms of the relationship with my wife, due to the kids, day-to-day stress/BS and zero local family support, our relationship has dwindled down to "good friends" aka we get along but there's zero romance, and no physical element. This is a huge problem for me, whereas my wife doesn't seem that bothered.

Midweek I have to be pretty dedicated to work, so I'm mostly in an adult/professional environment for 5 days straight....then BAM I'm hit with kids and family stuff every Saturday morning each week. It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately - so I have a very short fuse with bad behaviour, which then makes the kids worse plus my wife starts having a go at me. She doesn't understand that I'm not used to this as much. I'm also a stricter parent which I believe is the right way (standard clash of parenting styles).

There's also the issue where she thinks having a job is easy and that she has more of the 'load'. I think this is a fairly common argument. I think it's pretty equal - I get to escape the family stuff BUT I have long commutes and need to answer to someone/produce results. I'm not just going to the pub with my feet up! Equally I always make an effort to be really show my appreciation for what my wife does - she keeps the house and kids running (and she does get her own break in terms of post school run I know she chills for a bit, no problem with that). It feels equal to me.

So combine my dead relationship + arguments about parenting + whinging kids + no support + financial irritations......well, I'm just wondering why anyone would do this to their life?!

Am I wrong to want out? Am I being an idiot?

Another mid thirties man here. It kind of sounds familiar in some ways to me. In some respects, you've made your bed, now you have to lie in it. In other ways, your relationship, it sounds like you need some couples counseling or before that, some date nights? One on one time. Do you think you fancy each other? It's hard to concentrate on your relationship together or yourself as an individual as the priority in these early childhood years is the children, but you need to invest in the other parts too or you will resent them! They didn't ask to be born remember.

"It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately - so I have a very short fuse with bad behaviour". Sounds like typical behaviour at that age... If you can, try and take deep breaths and repeat the phrase, love is patient, love is kind, in your mind!! Getting angry just shows the children that's how you deal with problems and you'll feed into it and make it worse. I had a Dad growing up who was shouty and moody and at best, didn't mind when he came home from work, at worst, I hated it and the change in the atmosphere... Assuming you'd like to have a decent relationship with them as they get older, it'd be good to try and chill out as much as possible! I know though after the quiet of the office, it's mental at home and feels like we operate a crèche!! Go for a walk, join a gym, so you don't just have work, commute, home, on repeat.

i don't know what you earn and what you spend as a family, but draw up a budget in MS Excel showing all the money in and all the money out, it's good to have a budget, see what you have to work with.

If you 'got out' you'd have child maintenance and more than likely, two mortgage/rent payments and you'd be even worse off, so you need to try and make it work. It gets easier as they get older, you'll never see them soon for going out to play with friends or on the Xbox etc. Maybe that's part of the issue, you feel trapped?

You're not wrong with how you feel, parenting and family life is so tough and I imagine extremely different to your life say 10 years ago. But you are definitely wrong for wanting out - that's not an option, you have children, you have dependents, you were part of bringing them into this world, you can't just want out when it gets tough. You wouldn't expect your wife to turn around one day and say I want out, I'm leaving.
What you need to do is take steps to improve the situation. Have date nights with your wife - get a babysitter if you have no family local to you. Appreciate each other even more - even just little things like saying 'thank you for doing xyz today'. You both have difficult and long days and when someone feels unappreciated it comes out in arguing who has the harder job. You both have difficult jobs in very different ways.
If your family life was improved, what would it look like? What would a good Saturday morning look like to you?

You are more of a chronic whinger than your 8yo, without the excuse of being a child.

Time to grow up and accept your responsibilities to your children and wife.

Your family life is dysfunctional because you resist your role as a loving father and husband.

The only way to happiness for you is to reflect on your selfishness and embrace your life as a family man going forward. That means putting your family first - give the 8yo the attention they need, play and guide the 6yo, be a role model. Keep your nasty quick temper in fucking check.

Support your wife without expecting anything in return.

God, no wonder families fall apart with such quality husbands.

you need to do something to make your family life more fun and enjoyable, you need to make some changes yourself

Yes and yes.
You say it's equal and fair in your relationship but it's not equal or fair to quit on the kids YOU made and leave your wife to be a single parent.
What do you enjoy doing with your kids and wife? Focus on the moments that make you happy and try to make more time for that.

And the money thing is a non issue because you'd still have maintenance payments if you left.

Have you spoken to your wife about the lack of a relationship and intimacy?

How about organising a date night, organise the babysitter and get dressed up and go out as a couple.

I'm sure she is as fed up of the drudgery of housework, kids, mental load.

Try and make that connection again, it must have been there at some point.

Most mums get to this point as well remember, she might seem unbothered about lack of affection and sex but I'm sure she would love less responsibilities and to be romance by someone, have good sex it's just she knows hard work with the children pays off eventually.

You need to change your mind set and remember that your wife comes first and you should come first to her but your mutual end goal is to raise children that can live a good life as adults.

I don’t think this is good advice. OP needs to work on his disengagement, nasty temper and short fuse before he starts badgering his wife for intimacy.

Whenever I see these threads I don’t even have to read it to know it’s about a lack of sex

FFS grow up.

Wives don't find men who shout and are angry with the children attractive, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

yep, and the chap always thinks if his wife just got over herself and provided sex on tap, the family life would be all roses. Staggering lack of self-awareness.

This.

You need to do better OP.

But it goes hand in hand

It's not badgering it part of a normal healthy relationship and too many women think they can drop that part of a marriage and everything will stay the same.

It won't, resentment builds up, you distance yourself, find other interests and finally become "just friends"

They need to put together if she is a SAHM and he works full time then they need to share the children's care, he needs to step up in that respect and build a relationship with his children.

What a selfish b***d

How terrible for you, how much pressure you must be under to be expected to provide for your family and even interact with them pleasantly.

The heart bleeds.

Diddums.

Where's my fucking violin?

It's ok to feel they way you do and well done for recognising your own feelings. My advice is:

• date your wife. Romance doesn't just happen, you both need to work at it.

• remember it will get easier.

• have one on one time with the kids over the weekend. Divided and conquer means both their needs are satisfied.

• do something for yourself and give your DH time for herself too.

Good luck!

*DW

Women don't actively decide to stop having sex with their husbands, they stop because they don't find his behaviour in the home or with the children attractive.

If you think lack of sex causes resentment then you severely underestimate the damage caused if a wife has sex she doesn't want.

Why would you want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to because of your own poor behaviour.

Marriage doesn't entitle you to regular sex.

Thanks for all the replies. Mixed bag as always!

To answer some of the questions:

• I said I want out, but because of the kids I likely never will leave. Just want to make that clear. I'll accept a life I don't like if it keeps them on the straight and narrow. I'm here to get some opinions on my thoughts.

• Yes we have discussed the lack of any physical/non physical romance. Many, many times. Probably the best part of our relationship is that we talk about stuff. But it changes nothing - she's never interested in the physical side (which causes frustration on my part) and there's never much time or opportunity (or cover) to go out on a date night. She's not keen on random baby sitters, which I get.

• Money-wise yes, great points made re maintenance etc and it being any better if you do leave. Like I say, I'm not going to leave, but this whole thing just has negatives at every angle!

• I've tried to get more into my sport and other things to give me stuff to escape with, but there's not a lot of time for (more of) that stuff so it doesn't really fix anything.

• To the angry comments about how much of a bad parent/husband I am, why is it so acceptable to be miserable just because I must be the "perfect family man"? How is that a healthy way forward? I agree that I've made my bed/had my kids, and this is why I can't see me ever leaving, but to just wrap this all up as "get on with it" is not a healthy way to move on. If we all did this (and I'm sure many do), it would end in affairs and other disasters (shocker: many do!). So I can't accept "man up", turns out we're allowed to have lives and be happy ever after kids...we just have to figure it out (hence this post). "Support your wife without anything in return"......can I say the same to my wife, or is this an anti-man zone here?

There's a lot to go at here. First of all what you're feeling is not uncommon and I'm sure a lot of people will empathise with some of it BUT

A few initial thoughts:

• you need to invest in your relationship with your wife so that you aren't just mates. Get a joint hobby. We've just started ballroom dancing. We get a babysitter, go dancing for an hour and then for a drink after. It's fun and funny and we are learning something together and it's been revolutionary for our relationship.
• I'm baffled how you think your wife gets a break after the school run with a 6 year old and 8 year old to deal with. Even if she plonks them in front of the TV for an hour she's hardly able to sit on her arse with a wine or go to the gym is she?
• parenting can be hard but it can also be joyful and amazing. Invest some time in your children and getting to know them. Can you take one or both of them to an activity on Saturday mornings for example? You could do swimming, dancing, etc and then take them to a cafe afterwards for cake. Gives you chance to get to know them a bit, gives your wife a break, might make you a better more present parent.
• stop shouting and being moody. This is entirely your problem. If you don't know how then follow some gentle parenting accounts on Instagram to get some ideas. You seem to imagine shouting may help stop "whinging" as you see it. I can assure you it won't.
• you seem to have lost sight of the good parts of your children of which there will be many. You mention two flaws but no good parts. If you don't know what the good parts are, find them.
• you work during the week but what do you do in the evenings and before work? Can you support your wife and children or hang out with them more during this time?

Where did I say nasty temper? I'm just not great around kids after a week at work, I'm not nasty...just kind of stricter in discipline and they get a lot less chances with me. Wow the assumptions.

Yep.