I want out

[MrFriendZone]

I just don't want to be a parent or husband anymore. I know we're "not meant to say this" but it's how I feel, but the usual convenience traps of money, options and of course offspring (!) are making me miserable as I have no options with my own life.

Let me explain my situation - I'd love to hear opinions on whether I'm right/wrong in my thoughts.

I'm the husband in this relationship (married, 10 years). I have a very busy and demanding job Mon-Fri whilst my wife is a stay at home mum, managing the kids and the mental load. We're both mid-30s.

We have two children, 6 and 8. The 8 year old is a chronic whinger, the 6 year old is an endless ball of energy.

As always in your 30s with two kids, money is consumed by them and the house/cars/growing bills/after school clubs/clothes etc. We do alright, but I'm always having to watch it (to be brutally honest, it makes me resent having kids a bit).

In terms of the relationship with my wife, due to the kids, day-to-day stress/BS and zero local family support, our relationship has dwindled down to "good friends" aka we get along but there's zero romance, and no physical element. This is a huge problem for me, whereas my wife doesn't seem that bothered.

Midweek I have to be pretty dedicated to work, so I'm mostly in an adult/professional environment for 5 days straight....then BAM I'm hit with kids and family stuff every Saturday morning each week. It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately - so I have a very short fuse with bad behaviour, which then makes the kids worse plus my wife starts having a go at me. She doesn't understand that I'm not used to this as much. I'm also a stricter parent which I believe is the right way (standard clash of parenting styles).

There's also the issue where she thinks having a job is easy and that she has more of the 'load'. I think this is a fairly common argument. I think it's pretty equal - I get to escape the family stuff BUT I have long commutes and need to answer to someone/produce results. I'm not just going to the pub with my feet up! Equally I always make an effort to be really show my appreciation for what my wife does - she keeps the house and kids running (and she does get her own break in terms of post school run I know she chills for a bit, no problem with that). It feels equal to me.

So combine my dead relationship + arguments about parenting + whinging kids + no support + financial irritations......well, I'm just wondering why anyone would do this to their life?!

Am I wrong to want out? Am I being an idiot?

Your wife has a sweet deal, she has plenty of time for "life admin". That's not to say it is the root cause of all your problems, but I wonder if her going back to work would help some of the resentment.

Your wife is probably finding you a heavy weight and it doesn't sound like you're adding value to the home emotionally.

You sound really angry. That this is your life. That your kids exist and cost money. That you have no room to breathe. You need to acknowledge it because it's clear that other people are currently paying the price for that. And your wife won't want to sleep with you if you're brimming with resentment. She will be feeling tension when you're in the home if your parenting styles clash. In the nicest possible way, you're not there enough to run on a different ticket to her at this stage. They'll only end up hating you. Don't fall into being bad cop. Take the older one out for something small and manageable. Then the younger. You might find them easier if they look forward to seeing you and your wife might feel warmer towards you.

Consider couples therapy.

Don't be surprised if your wife leaves you if things go on like this. You're not being your best self.

Remember this stage of life will pass. I understand why but your post is very self involved. If you can, try to remember that your kids have no one else to be their dad. There will be a lot more vulnerability going on than you realise. The poster who says you seem you have lost sight of the good in your children is right. That is a truly dire position for your children to be in. Your irritability will be communicating something to them about how you feel about them and how loveable they are. Insecure children are harder work. You won't get a chance to do this over. Take a deep breath and consider joining your wife on the good cop wagon for the time being. Buy a copy of How to talk so your kids will listen and read it. If you're prepared to lay the law down you can take the time to do that.

But why is she exhausted if she has 9am to 3pm, 5 days a week, to herself? She shouldn’t be exhausted. Most people defending the OPs wife, seem to be presuming that she’s spending all her time looking after children or doing housework, as if she has pre-schoolers, or home schools or something. She does not, her kids are at school, and she does not have a job. I’m not exhausted, and I have kids to look after, housework, life admin, an husband who works long hours away from the home, and a part-time job. If I didn’t have a job I’d have loads of extra time to do what I fancy.

I'm glad I'm not the only one baffled by this. I work 32 hours a week, DH works much longer hours and leaves v early in the morning. I don't have any day where DD is at school and I'm not working and yet I still have to do almost all the housework, shopping, cooking, life admin.

6 hours a day, 5 days a week with no job and no child sounds like a dream!

If you leave then what
you meet someone else - probably younger who wants kids of their own

so you have 2 more kids and your in the same situation again but with less money due to child maintenance older and more grey hair and you think your knackered and resentful now. When your trying to juggle a new wife and small kids and a ex wife and teens you will think ffs what have I done 😂😂

. Your other kids are teenagers by this time and your going through the exact same shit as you are now . No Sex whinging toddlers working like crazy to support 4 kids

honestly this is pretty much what will happen if you leave .

or you will have an affair with some young attractive woman in the office and then the above will happen except your leaving your family will a lot more painful and drawn out

Your new partner won’t be much different to the EX . She will probably be resentful that a large proportion of money is going on the first family
you will feel guilty and resentful
you will feel just as trapped as you to now and wonder how the fuck you got to be 45 -50 and still have a few whinging kids annoying you

history nearly always repeats itself

My advice if you do leave have the snip at least that way you can be sure you won’t have any more kids

This should be part of the conversation you have.

I’m not sure why so many people remain at home after their kids have all started school. It seems very unreasonable to put all of the financial burden on one person when there are two who are capable of working.

You sound like a delightful mother. Reading things like this reaffirm my believe that there should be a "license to breed" issued by the government just like there a license to drive.

What does 'get out' mean? You want to just walk away from your kids?

your responsibility is to come home, ignore the kids - the one who is wining,winging, moaning, what is the word and yes, keep being strict dad, that what dad has to be in order to help mum who is always the gentler soul.

the things you describe are not abnormal and you are just tired. About the romance, this needs fixing though. I am overwright but we do it all the time and my husband is stuck to me for life.

Love is patient, love is kind and these kids are yours, please, don't leave them.

I thought this too and agree with it. I think it can be quite hard to switch from "work mode" to "family mode" and I have sympathy with OP about this, tbh. At the same time I can understand why his wife isn't feeling especially like being intimate either - the home effectively is her workplace. I agree with the posters suggesting shared activities and trying to reconnect as a couple outside the kids again.

ignore the act of wining - moaning. thanks

Think about it like this:
Once you enter into a marriage with a woman who wants a family you are now
a man with multiple roles.
A provider
A father figure
A romantic partner.
You need to keep the balance on all 3 to have a happy family life.
Most mums will prioritise their children.
Full stop.
Support her in this and your intimate relationship with benefit.
Show reluctance and it won't.

OP, what does your weekly routine look like currently?

Because finances are not the only "burden" of family life so sharing the financial burden means you inevitably have to share the other burdens too. Some people prefer one person to shoulder the finances and another to shoulder the burden of childcare, life admin, housework etc. it's fairly simple really.

I do worry for the OPs wife though if the OP were ever to do a runner...she's a bit stuck then isn't she.

We’re human beings not robots

The life admin/childcare/housework etc does not add up to a full time job when your kids are at school. I get that it’s nice to have a parent to be able to do school drop off and pick up every day but with two working parents (whether full time or part time) it’s easy enough to share these things/use wraparound care or a child minder a few times per week.

Seriously, what on earth does she do all day long?

I was a great mother actually as my kids tell me. It was just bloody hard and if I had a choice again I wouldn't have children. Doesn't mean I don't love the ones I have.

Oh and thanks for calling women breeders.

I can bet your wife feels resentful. As you see it's hard work at the weekend and she has that full time. Yes work is stressful but it's a different type of stress and your with colleagues.
And when there is resentment, shouting etc, no way you want to remotely have sex with that person. And the longer you leave it the harder it is to overcome.
Counselling might help.
You're kids are young but once they hit teens you'll barely see them! You'll miss this age when you realise they prefer spending time with mates and not parents.

It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately -

Your wife deals with this every single day.

Im no fan of women who decide they need to stay at home once their DC are in school, but reading your OP @MrFriendZone I can see why your wife does this. If she went back to her career clearly you wouldn’t lift an extra finger to support her.

You are totally totally selfish and immature. There’s not much else to say.

Yup. He wants ‘out’ of having kids and actually contributing to family life, because his wife doesn’t suck his cock enough, according to him.

What a peach.

@Butterfly44 "As you see it's hard work at the weekend and she has that full time."

@EveryWitchWaybutLoose "
Your wife deals with this every single day."

No she doesn't! She has 6 hours a day, 5 days a week to herself and no job stress!

Yes, @SynchOrSwim I agree - I'm not sure that what women do as SAHMs when their DC are at school is sufficient to justify the staying at home, but - part-time jobs that can be fitted around school hours & terms can be hard to find,

And moreso - and in this case it's clear that @MrFriendZone would not lift a finger to share the load of child-rearing, housework, and family management.

Because he is a MAN with a Very.Important.Job.

Working women manage all that the OP does, plus they look after everyone else. He's an entitled wanker basically.

Instead of you working and your wife being a SAHM, why don't you each go part-time?

• I've tried to get more into my sport and other things to give me stuff to escape with, but there's not a lot of time for (more of) that stuff so it doesn't really fix anything.

Why not do a sport with your children. YOUR children @MrFriendZone

Learn about parenting, because you seem to know fuck-all about the interpersonal aspects of parenting.

She doesn't understand that I'm not used to this as much. I'm also a stricter parent which I believe is the right way (standard clash of parenting styles).

Your comments about being the stricter parent are so smug - you say that YOU are right in this, implying you know more about parenting than your DW, who is actually doing the parenting.