I want out

[MrFriendZone]

I just don't want to be a parent or husband anymore. I know we're "not meant to say this" but it's how I feel, but the usual convenience traps of money, options and of course offspring (!) are making me miserable as I have no options with my own life.

Let me explain my situation - I'd love to hear opinions on whether I'm right/wrong in my thoughts.

I'm the husband in this relationship (married, 10 years). I have a very busy and demanding job Mon-Fri whilst my wife is a stay at home mum, managing the kids and the mental load. We're both mid-30s.

We have two children, 6 and 8. The 8 year old is a chronic whinger, the 6 year old is an endless ball of energy.

As always in your 30s with two kids, money is consumed by them and the house/cars/growing bills/after school clubs/clothes etc. We do alright, but I'm always having to watch it (to be brutally honest, it makes me resent having kids a bit).

In terms of the relationship with my wife, due to the kids, day-to-day stress/BS and zero local family support, our relationship has dwindled down to "good friends" aka we get along but there's zero romance, and no physical element. This is a huge problem for me, whereas my wife doesn't seem that bothered.

Midweek I have to be pretty dedicated to work, so I'm mostly in an adult/professional environment for 5 days straight....then BAM I'm hit with kids and family stuff every Saturday morning each week. It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately - so I have a very short fuse with bad behaviour, which then makes the kids worse plus my wife starts having a go at me. She doesn't understand that I'm not used to this as much. I'm also a stricter parent which I believe is the right way (standard clash of parenting styles).

There's also the issue where she thinks having a job is easy and that she has more of the 'load'. I think this is a fairly common argument. I think it's pretty equal - I get to escape the family stuff BUT I have long commutes and need to answer to someone/produce results. I'm not just going to the pub with my feet up! Equally I always make an effort to be really show my appreciation for what my wife does - she keeps the house and kids running (and she does get her own break in terms of post school run I know she chills for a bit, no problem with that). It feels equal to me.

So combine my dead relationship + arguments about parenting + whinging kids + no support + financial irritations......well, I'm just wondering why anyone would do this to their life?!

Am I wrong to want out? Am I being an idiot?

Sorry OP, but your post comes off as a whinge with no effort made to find solutions to your problems. Parenting's bloody hard work, whatever the circumstances, but you've gotta strap your boots on and get on with it. Find ways to fix whatever's broken (sex life, finances, whiney kids) in collaboration with your wife. You're a team.

And don't try to "get into sport" as this sounds like just another way to be less present in your family life.

You need to work on enjoying time with your family. Start by trying to praise the kids so they are not always winning your attention with negative behaviour. If you can make your household fun and nourishing I expect all the other bits will fall into place.

I said earlier that DH and fell into a similar rut. OP, it sounds like you are getting a hard time here which you may or may not deserve. I think what is important is you recognise their is an issue and you want to improve the situation.

OK, now what worked for us. Be honest with your wife (but not too honest 😉). Ask her how she feels about your life together and really listen and don’t go on the defensive. Tell her you hear, repeat back what she said. Tell her you miss her and your old relationship and you want to get that back. Don’t focus on sex. Tell her you know you haven’t been perfect and you want to improve. Make sure you don’t blame her here.

Work on yourself next, not expectations of what you want her to change. I’m going to recommend some books, Men are from Mars and Women from Venus is a good one to read together - Dh and I have the opposite of traditional love languages. Most days I think of 3 things I can do to meet his love language wants, including doing it, it takes 5 mins a day. Now those things come naturally. How not to hate your husband after kids is a good read for both of you two. In fact if you’re only going to read one book read this one.

For the kids/family time. You need to remember kids have normal emotions and will become overwhelmed and act out. This is normal. The book how to talk so kids will listen is helpful for learning tricks to deal with kids.

Good luck.