I want out

[MrFriendZone]

I just don't want to be a parent or husband anymore. I know we're "not meant to say this" but it's how I feel, but the usual convenience traps of money, options and of course offspring (!) are making me miserable as I have no options with my own life.

Let me explain my situation - I'd love to hear opinions on whether I'm right/wrong in my thoughts.

I'm the husband in this relationship (married, 10 years). I have a very busy and demanding job Mon-Fri whilst my wife is a stay at home mum, managing the kids and the mental load. We're both mid-30s.

We have two children, 6 and 8. The 8 year old is a chronic whinger, the 6 year old is an endless ball of energy.

As always in your 30s with two kids, money is consumed by them and the house/cars/growing bills/after school clubs/clothes etc. We do alright, but I'm always having to watch it (to be brutally honest, it makes me resent having kids a bit).

In terms of the relationship with my wife, due to the kids, day-to-day stress/BS and zero local family support, our relationship has dwindled down to "good friends" aka we get along but there's zero romance, and no physical element. This is a huge problem for me, whereas my wife doesn't seem that bothered.

Midweek I have to be pretty dedicated to work, so I'm mostly in an adult/professional environment for 5 days straight....then BAM I'm hit with kids and family stuff every Saturday morning each week. It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately - so I have a very short fuse with bad behaviour, which then makes the kids worse plus my wife starts having a go at me. She doesn't understand that I'm not used to this as much. I'm also a stricter parent which I believe is the right way (standard clash of parenting styles).

There's also the issue where she thinks having a job is easy and that she has more of the 'load'. I think this is a fairly common argument. I think it's pretty equal - I get to escape the family stuff BUT I have long commutes and need to answer to someone/produce results. I'm not just going to the pub with my feet up! Equally I always make an effort to be really show my appreciation for what my wife does - she keeps the house and kids running (and she does get her own break in terms of post school run I know she chills for a bit, no problem with that). It feels equal to me.

So combine my dead relationship + arguments about parenting + whinging kids + no support + financial irritations......well, I'm just wondering why anyone would do this to their life?!

Am I wrong to want out? Am I being an idiot?

This. 100% this.

Ok. Can you do a venn diagram of things you like and things your kids like? Cricket, minecraft, eating ice-cream, swimming, watching Disney movies, climbing trees. Whatever. Find stuff two or three of you like.

I’m place marking so I can come back and comment. DH and I have been through something similar but younger kids and lockdown making it worse. I will come back later and tell you what’s working for us.

So the wife is expected to pay for the cost of caring for the children and household out of her wage

This is nit-picking. Personally I never subscribe to the idea of childcare costs vs woman's wage which is always used on here to make women give up work because it's cheaper etc. I'm all for keeping financial independence. But that's irrelevant in this situation where they've decided she's a SAHM, hence I'm just pointing out that at the 6 and 8, the childcare costs are minimal and not something that can be countered with the "it's cheaper to not work" spiel.

Regardless of her earning potential and details of whatever fictional work she might or might not get, my point stands. Childcare costs is not the issue here.

The OP states in his original post that "As always in your 30s with two kids, money is consumed by them and the house/cars/growing bills/after school clubs/clothes etc. We do alright, but I'm always having to watch it (to be brutally honest, it makes me resent having kids a bit)."

So, either he spends out more, minimal though that may be, and adds to his resentment, or she pays the whole cost.

It is an issue relating directly to how the OP feels.

You should be stepping up and parenting at the weekend. There is a short period of time when you get to build your relationship with your children, share activities, teach them life skills. You never get those years back.
Why is your child whingeing all the time? What are you doing to address that?

I think you should get a vasectomy. It will get better in about 4 years

I'm a mum and I want out too...but I cant😭. You just have to carry on. Really it takes a village to raise children

hi myfriendzone,

I want to validate your feelings- mumsnet can be a really judgemental place sometimes. Adulting is hard - I feel you and your wife are trapped in the slog and in the midst of all the responsibilities that you forgot to put your relationship first, maybe your wife hasn't even realised this- it happens, and so it is normal you feel this way.
This is what I think: you and your wife need to make your relationship a priority. Start small, once the children go to bed - make a conscious effort to really be with each other ( if every evening is too much choose one day of the week and unfortunately you need to make an active effort and make it happen e.g tonight it's couple's evening NO EXCUSES) have dinner together, shower together, cuddle etc
Your relationship will die if you don't keep some kind of intimacy going. You need to talk to her about this - be honest and tell her how you feel - you do not want to be housemates and she will understand. 30 is far too young to not keep the spiciness going!!

Then experience stuff together no kids allowed! Time for a date night- you can get a babysitter and it will be the best money you ever spent. I hope you believe me when I say this- I was a babysitter for the same family during Uni and I saw a massive change in the parents relationship once I started working for them.

Talk to your wife and make a plan for your couple - buy her some nice lingerie ( you dont have to spend a fortune! M&S has a lovely collection)

All the best!

buy her some nice lingerie

😂

Ahahah! 🤣 dunno I think it works.
#romance

Pathetic. Why do you think Mumsnet is the right place for your whining?

Mean.

OP, many people feel like you but this can be fixed. My advice would be to sit down with your wife and TALK. But let her talk first. About everything. And you must LISTEN. You may be surprised by what she says. Then you talk about how you feel and see if you can work through some changes together. If you really listen to each other this chat alone might bring you closer together but be prepared that it might not happen immediately.

There's also no reason why you can't work out a way for you both to have a few regular hours downtime at the weekends. This might help you to switch "on" on a Sat morning if you know you can switch "off" at 2pm (or whatever).

This is your second go at kids/marriage if I've read that right (not sure about the kids). There's no 'out'. The children exist and you will still be parenting them and in their lives whether or not that's how you want it, because that's what being a father is. So out isn't an option.

I do think there's lots that can be fixed here though. The first is to have your wife contributing financially to the household unless you work away or have some reason you need a SAHP with older children, that might take the pressure off you, not sure why that hasn't happened. The second is to take control of the things you can control- the first being your temper. Men can be very scary to children, especially if shouty and disciplining all the time. Are you sure you aren't a scary dad who the children will try to avoid? I think really no raising of voices except if something terrible (e.g. running in the road) is better for men unless they are able to be firm without being horrible- that's something you can work on yourself and is not dependent on your wife. It doesn't sound like your shouting has any good effect except to stress everyone out.

I also agree about getting to know your children better and taking a pride in being a great dad with them. Even if you separated, this will pay off in terms of a loving bond that will hopefully continue into their adulthood, having a great dad is such a valuable thing for a child and especially in their teens, you have a lot to offer so don't forget this or devalue it, it's worth the time spending, try to characterise it more as creating something than them taking something away from you.

The issue to me is mainly your marriage and the fact your wife is losing interest in you and you are frustrated by that but that isn't your children's fault. I would have a frank chat about how to go forward from this point.

so why did you get married and have kids?

Having a job is 100 times easier than having kids and being a sahm. I was a single mum zero input or money from father. I was a senior nurse manager at the time and going back to work was a blessed relief from being a mum.
I organised my household 100% and didn't allow whingeing/shit behaviour from kids. They did what I said and played lots of sport to let off steam. To be honest it was so much easier without the father. I didn't have to put up with all his whiny shit any more. He was worse than the kids.

Why do people rush in and have kids in their 20s in this day and age?
Mumsnet is full of people who have kids but don’t like them or can’t afford them. Mind boggles!

OP find a baby sitter (you find one, book one and make reservations surely someone at work uses one) no excuses and get out and have fun together. Life is too short! Book a holiday with a fab kids club and get a grip.

This sums it up

How does your wife feel about the current situation? How does she feel about being SAHM? How does she feel about you complaining about no money or snapping at the kids?

You need to talk to each other. Listen to each other. Accept compromises between you both and work towards making changes that benefit the whole family.

I think for all you're fed up, I would bet my house on your wife also being bored to tears too. I mean this in kindness and seriousness. I think you need to be more selfless.

I agree.

I just want to give you some insight (my boys are 10 and 13 so we’re out of “the trenches” so to speak and have down time and lie ins again).

Mums LOVE seeing their children’s father enjoying their company. We LOVE watching you delight in their personalities, and making quality time with them with energy and enthusiasm! There is nothing sexier than a dad who is visible delighted to be doing something with his child, simply enjoying their company, laughing at their stupid jokes. A man who is present, safe and loving is just wonderful.

You need to shift the way you view each of your children. They are not small adults who need discipline, fed and watered. They are unique individuals with their own personalities, and if you invested some quality 1:1 time with each of them you would quickly grown to love them and LIKE them even more, making their whinging less, and everyone’s quality of life better. Take them out on their own (this will also stop the bickering that drives you nuts).

A happy side effect will be your wife observing these lovely interactions and viewing you differently too. WIN WIN!

Finally, a wise person once said, the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Invest your time and energy in your relationship with her and your kids will grow up surrounded by good examples and role modelling. Half the work is done ✔️

In honesty, when you're at home with the kids all the time you really want someone to come along have some time with them and have more patience, precisely because the other person hasn't been dealing with them all the time. So in theory you should have more patience 5hab her, not less.

What sort of things do you do at the weekend as a family? Kids are more annoying if you're trying to focus on watching something that doesn't interest them, or stare at a phone etc.

Wtf did I just read? You sound like the worst kind of father and husband. Bone idle, selfish and angry.

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything to actively ENJOY your life, which is surely THE only point of living, or else why are you here?

You should have a calendar with plans of activities you look forward to: date nights, concerts, holidays, takeaways, having friends round, etc

Also you really have to get your wife to agree to prioritise some alone time together by sorting out a babysitter