I want out

[MrFriendZone]

I just don't want to be a parent or husband anymore. I know we're "not meant to say this" but it's how I feel, but the usual convenience traps of money, options and of course offspring (!) are making me miserable as I have no options with my own life.

Let me explain my situation - I'd love to hear opinions on whether I'm right/wrong in my thoughts.

I'm the husband in this relationship (married, 10 years). I have a very busy and demanding job Mon-Fri whilst my wife is a stay at home mum, managing the kids and the mental load. We're both mid-30s.

We have two children, 6 and 8. The 8 year old is a chronic whinger, the 6 year old is an endless ball of energy.

As always in your 30s with two kids, money is consumed by them and the house/cars/growing bills/after school clubs/clothes etc. We do alright, but I'm always having to watch it (to be brutally honest, it makes me resent having kids a bit).

In terms of the relationship with my wife, due to the kids, day-to-day stress/BS and zero local family support, our relationship has dwindled down to "good friends" aka we get along but there's zero romance, and no physical element. This is a huge problem for me, whereas my wife doesn't seem that bothered.

Midweek I have to be pretty dedicated to work, so I'm mostly in an adult/professional environment for 5 days straight....then BAM I'm hit with kids and family stuff every Saturday morning each week. It's really not easy to adjust to the whinging, demands, noise and other negatives that the kids present immediately - so I have a very short fuse with bad behaviour, which then makes the kids worse plus my wife starts having a go at me. She doesn't understand that I'm not used to this as much. I'm also a stricter parent which I believe is the right way (standard clash of parenting styles).

There's also the issue where she thinks having a job is easy and that she has more of the 'load'. I think this is a fairly common argument. I think it's pretty equal - I get to escape the family stuff BUT I have long commutes and need to answer to someone/produce results. I'm not just going to the pub with my feet up! Equally I always make an effort to be really show my appreciation for what my wife does - she keeps the house and kids running (and she does get her own break in terms of post school run I know she chills for a bit, no problem with that). It feels equal to me.

So combine my dead relationship + arguments about parenting + whinging kids + no support + financial irritations......well, I'm just wondering why anyone would do this to their life?!

Am I wrong to want out? Am I being an idiot?

My kids are all grown up 25, 26 and 34, but fuck those younger years were hard and so amny times I wanted out.

I wish I'd never had kids, they are all consuming.

The kids grew up I divorced my husband and remarried, we have a better life, I guess because we have no kids, more money and time.

That is quite upsetting to read. I suppose my opinion is influenced by the fact that my eldest child died when he was 27. My younger dcs are grown up now, they have independent lives, but we spend time together, we chat regularly, we are interested in each other's hopes and plans. I love them very much and I could never wish them absent from my life.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but looking back if I had a choice again, I wouldn't bother.

I'm quite selfish with my time, money etc

They are all very independent as a result

The younger years were relentless as the mother, father worked and his job was so important, not, he couldn't take time off.

My job being more flexible meant everything fell to me

God that's possibly one of the saddest things I've ever read on Mumsnet and you get some crazy opinions on here.

I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️

Not much advice from me but I just wanted to show my support for you.

My Dh I'm sure feels the same as you. It's bloody difficult isn't it.

For me, lack of intimacy on my part probably comes down to not feeling sexy anymore. I'm just Mum, feel frazzled and frumpy and I feel like I've lost my pre-mum identity, inside and out. I'm just saying this to show you that she might not be lacking in desire towards you personally. It might help simply to tell her how beautiful she is, if you don't do that much already

Well leave then. You'd at least get half of every week to yourself and only have to deal with your DC (24/7 yourself of course) the other half. And no maintenance to pay.
Would that be better? Is that the set up you were considering?
It's your only other option after all.

Nah OP knows full well he, like so many other sperm donors, can leave his old life behind. His username is fucking 'mrfriendzone' or whatever. What does that tell us?

Sometimes with young kids you feel like you're just the dad, you bring in the £ and work bloody hard for it and want some love and respect at home. Unfortunately with you being at work all day earning the £ life goes on without you. There are rules and routines and ways to deal with behaviour that just don't include you and they must work or your kids would be feral monsters. You need to find a way to step back from the in charge provider role and slot in as a working parent at weekends beside you wife.

No woman wants sex with an angry monster who comes into the well run happy routine and disrupts everything. You're just another problem to deal with then as you'll be upsetting the kids and routine.

Step back, find ways to deal with things without quickly becoming angry, realise that your wife's way of doing things is obviously working. Kids can be little fuckers that whine and argue regardless of how you parent them but getting angry quickly and expecting them to immediately acquiesce is not a going to work because it's at odds with how your wife does it day in and day out.

Equally women often feel like they're relegated to chief cook and bottle washer and mother all in one. It's hard to lose your identity and become just a mum and housemaid. You don't feel sexy, you often feel like it's just another job at the end of the day to please someone else.

Maybe find a babysitter from school or a childcare setting they've been in who your wife may trust because it's a long time until you'll be able to go out and concentrate on being a couple if you don't and maybe by then it'll be too late.

And it's not only men. I've on more than one occasion felt like getting in the car and just driving off, leaving the piles of washing, the what's for dinner and the endless life admin that goes with kids behind.

If you don't want to leave then you need to accept that this is your lot and only you can change how your life with your family pans out.

Good luck. It does get better, having kids isn't all smiles and walks in the park and board games but hopefully with a little work you'll find that those times outweigh the times when you lock yourself in the downstairs loo and swear under your breath.

Sad that someone has come on here and been candid about how he feels, has asked for advice and is just being abused by some.

I'm totally OK with that, I know what this forum is like, and probably the angry comments are from people who have had their own bad experiences of similar men and I can understand that.

In fact the angry comments help just as much as the constructive ones. They've really made me realise that a lot of this is me and my poor approach to things. The fact that my OP caused such a stir is telling.

At the same time, I know I haven't equally written about all the nice things I do, the silly little gestures like picking up her fav magazine when I get fuel to the Saturday morning "I'm taking the kids to soft play for a couple of hours, go lay in the garden as it's sunny" moments. I know I'm not the worst man in the world, but damn I also need to improve myself a LOT!

I was the wife in your situation except also working myself. I decided life was too short and to leave. We were making each other miserable. What kids want miserable parents? It’s early days. We have the children 50/50. I am beginning to become much happier.

You and your wife need to have a very honest, open and frank conversation. You need to really, really listen to each other. If you both want the marriage to survive then you will both need to make changes.

You can’t go on feeling like this. I’m sure shes not feeling great either because otherwise intimacy wouldn’t be a problem.

Good luck. Try to listen. Try not to get defensive or judgemental with each other.

But the kids are 6 and 8 so doesn't she get 6 hours a day 5 days a week to herself already?

Obviously a lot of what the op said is bad but that's a lot of time to potter around and get house work/shopping/life admin done. Leaving plenty of time to do exercise, have a hobby, read a book, binge watch TV etc.

But his wife has Monday to Friday 9-3 alone as she is a sahm of school aged kids. Bollocks does she get no break!

I think you need a good chat with your wife. You clearly don't like the mental load of being the only earner so maybe suggest a part time job.

As for your the loads are equal but sorry this is complete bull! You finish your working day and do what? Your hobbies? Do you do any house things cook dinner clean or do the washing? I mean what do you think working mothers do when we finish at work then go home and sort children out????

You need to spend more time with your children not less and learn from your wife about what she would do in a situation rather then thinking your way is correct.

Parenting is about team work if in a marriage what you describe certainly isn't team work.

And she's doing house work, sorting dinner and a million and 1 other life admin things which are needed to keep a household running!

Have I understood it correctly that your wife gets the week days to herself from 9am to 3pm? There’s plenty of opportunity for a decent break in that time imo. Yes she’ll have house work to do, stuff to sort, but surely not 30 hours a week worth of housework and stuff?! I actually do think that the time that you each have to please yourselves is fairly uneven. You have quite a bit less time than her, so she’s unreasonable to begrudge you some time at the weekend. Can you take Saturday morning to do something for yourself, so you’re in a better mood for family time for the rest of the weekend? Do some exercise, or a hobby? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your wife to allow you that, considering that she’s just had a whole 5 days with loads of time to herself.

Bloody hell it’s mumsnet, most posters will be parents who both parent and work with it or the home for the majority of the week. I do most of the housework and “life admin”, as I work part time. I also have children around the same ages as the OP. Yes the housework and life admin takes time, but not that much time. Not so much time that I also don’t have time for hobbies and a bit of downtime. If the OPs wife can’t get everything she needs to do done between the hours of 9am to 3pm, Monday to Friday, with no work, other caring responsibilities etc, and get a bit of downtime, she’s doing something wrong.

That should have read “work out of the home”.

Yes, as do I, as well as working 30 hours a week. I'm a single mum of 6 yo twins. I reiterate; bollocks does she get no break.

Exactly. I'm genuinely at a loss to understand what a sahm of school aged kids actually does.

And I work full time with a 1 Yr old and a 4 year old. But occasionally when I have taken days off whilst the kids are in nursery the most I've managed is a cup of tea and 30 mins as there is always something to sort before collection. Be that bills, house work, sorting out clothes for next size etc etc it's never ending.

The OP doesn't help at all during the week and is then moaning that he has to be a parent at weekends.....work is most definitely easier then dealing with children every day!

She's not dealing with children.... They're in school !!!!

Is there a reason why your wife isn't back at work yet since both children are in school 9-3? That could possibly help with some of the financial stress you are feeling.

It will only work though if you step up more at home and take on some of the mental load and housework.

Op, if you get home and immediately start shouting and being grumpy with the kids, saying/showing that you think they need stricter parenting and keeping on the straight and narrow - your wife sees you essentially telling her that what she spends her entire life doing is wrong, inadequate. That you know better despite not being there for most of it.

Think about what she sees of you and how you act during that time, what you appear to think if her, how you make her feel. Then see if it may relate to her not wanting sex.

Most exhausted women are not going to want sex with someone who implies they are inadequate at their life's work then proceeded to make the atmosphere negative and shouty.