Mum dating a sex offender

[diegoyeah]

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

The fact that their mother is in a relationship with this person also helps to mitigate his risk - he is hopefully getting sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

This has to be corrected in the strongest terms. This is not how paedophiles and most other sex offenders work. Consensual sex with an adult woman or man does not reduce risk. In fact consensual sex with an adult can be just a means to an end: to present a 'normal' front and to gain access to the children, young people and vulnerable adults in the partner's life.

This is sexist nonsense.

how many women have fled households to protect their children - sacrificing stability, career, roof over their head etc.

Society places a higher value on men’s careers and earning potential. It is equal - it is not a bigger step for a man to sacrifice his career, change jobs, drop hours.

it is really strange that this man is reluctant to upset things. His children are in a very vulnerable position yet he is weighing up his options.

men and women have a responsibility to provide for their children - and protect them.

Thank you very much.. this is reassuring.. not having much previous experience, my view is based on hearsay and unreliable outdated information and backed up by my experiences of mediation and social services so far... It's great to hear a positive experience, perhaps things can turn around..

If you are in the UK could you apply under Sarahs Law? Would the police then tell you and the childrens mother exactly what this person has been found guilty of? Which may help your case if you try to get full custody.

I hope this is a joke post. A paedophile will seek to satisfy their sick needs regardless of whether they’re getting sexual fulfillment.

Regardless of whether he’s not allowed to see the children doesn’t mean he isn’t seeing them? People do lie to the authorities.
Any normal person would be disgusted by what he’s done regardless of whether it’s in person or viewing images, the fact the OP’s ex isn’t seemingly bothered and will be in a relationship with him knowing what he’s done and herself having children is a safeguarding risk itself, it isn’t normal. Social Services are an absolute disgrace if they’ll happily allow children to live with someone who’s in a relationship with a convicted sex offender.

I think there is widespread perception that courts are biased towards mothers but actually courts strive to act in the best interests of children, and statistically that tends to favour mothers because more often than not they are the ones providing the primary home and care. In this case, however, I don't think there is a court in the land that wouldn't take this risk seriously and favour the parent who wasn't dating a convicted sex offender IF that parent can offer a stable and loving home.

I was asking for advice.. doesn't mean I am not taking any action.. it isn't that simple social services and family courts are famous for their bias towards mothers. Simply taking them could result in me being slapped with supervised visits only order.. and the abusive parent free reign.

And clearly, i dont want to leave my kids in danger.. advice on the best way to go about this and making it stick is what I was looking for.

And yes, if there were alternatives to the total disruption of the childrens lives, it would be worth considering.. but everyone is right. The children not being exposed to abuse come first!

You have had plenty such advice. Emphasise in all communications that your concern is for the children's welfare. How is this risk more acceptable than the small disruption of them moving in with you - their father - and still seeing their mother but in a controlled environment? The risk is HUGE with the status quo. Inform SS, police, have you sought solicitor advice? It doesn't appear so. Why not? Why would you be given a supervised visit order for reporting concerns about a paedophile? Yet you believe court would do nothing about their mother exposing them to one? It sounds like you have absorbed MRA bullshit that is not the case. Courts make mistakes of course but they will generally try to act in the interests of the children. You know of this risk but are doing nothing. The longer you continue to expose them to this and do nothing the less you appear to be an appropriate parent either who will safeguard properly. You weaken your argument to remove them every day you do not act.

Excuses and excuses about work and other nonsense. Your children are in danger and you are doing nothing, which makes you almost as bad as her.

@Bumdealoftheweek

The fact that their mother is in a relationship with this person also helps to mitigate his risk - he is hopefully getting sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

This is so incorrect it's dangerous.

Someone who offends against children is not at less risk of continuing to offend if they are in a sexual relationship with an adult.

Child abusers do not abuse children because of lack of access to adult partners, so an available adult partner has no bearing on their ability to offend against children.

It's scary you think otherwise.

Yep. Utter nonsense.

If you are a decent parent you'll protect your children. Refuse to give them back from contact, keep them with you, advise SS and police and engage a solicitor.

That is it.

Either you do it or you don't.

All of the rest is utter rubbish.

I worry about my ability to feed, cloth, and shelter them..also if I take them and she finds a way to get the courts to order them back to her, its a hell of a lot of emotional trauma for them for no benefit or even allow her claim I'm now a flight risk and i get in a worse situation.. not being involved in family court much before.. I only ever hear horror stories of how the courts are extremely biased in favour of mothers.. some comments on here have improved my confidence this isn't the case.

But people are right. This isn't an excuse to not act.. I.need to.overcome the conditioning that creates, fear of making things worse..

Thanks, everyone, for the advice

@Bumdealoftheweek
The fact that their mother is in a relationship with this person also helps to mitigate his risk - he is hopefully getting sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

What?!?!???

Child abuser, will just cease because he's having sex with these kids' mother? Presumably with the sole intention of getting closer to them. Because paedophiles aren't "fulfilled" by sex with adults. That's the point.

monsteramunch An available adult who reduces opportunity to offend is a good thing. The development of normal sexual behaviours and the education of these is also a good thing. I'm not saying that it is the only thing.

I only ever hear horror stories of how the courts are extremely biased in favour of mothers.

I can assure you, OP, that this is MRA/FNF nonsense.

The courts should always act in the best interests of the children. However, there has been a marked court/CAFCASS bias over the years towards fathers maintaining contact with children even when that is not in the best interests of the children and their mother - when the father is a domestic abuser, for example.

100%
People have given you a lot of good advice on here, now you need to act!

How on earth is a female partner with children reducing his opportunity to offend against children?!

Not all all but that fact that he's spending his time with someone else rather than by himself down a rabbit hole on the internet is not a bad thing. It's not a choice I would make personally but I'd rather these people are more visible than less.

I did Google it also... "what's that" was my immediate response..

I thank everyone for the advice, I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly one-sided...I expected a.camp of "leave her alone she has right too" but I have allowed social.services I action to fill me with doubts of my success but clearly I can protect these kids and agreed I need to act sooner rather than later. I've always been taught children need both parents and court is traumatic for them obviously if there is a.way to spare them that.. but everyone is right about their safety being the priority

I thank every one again

You are thinking too far ahead, anxiety does this. Just concentrate on getting them safe. Once they are safe you can focus more.

He is a paedophile. There's a reason they get into relationships with women with children. Get your kids out.

Nope, still not getting it.

Can you explain how being alone with the internet is a better option than this convicted paedophile breaking his licence conditions by hanging out with a single mother who is already minimising his offences?

It does not work with the majority of paedophiles.

And not forgetting that in many cases the 'available adult' is being groomed or otherwise being unwittingly used, which means that they have not given informed consent to the sex.

I thought the offences were internet based?

Why did you think that a forum predominantly populated by mothers of children would bullshit you that your ex "has rights" to allow a paedophile anywhere near your children? To even message them? To lie to the kids' dad about it?

Again - you need to lose this negativity & paranoia.

Kids don't need both parents when one of them is wilfully entertaining a paedophile. Also, it's highly unlikely your kids will have to go to court. That's your mission.

@Bumdealoftheweek

Not all all but that fact that he's spending his time with someone else rather than by himself down a rabbit hole on the internet is not a bad thing.

It absolutely is a bad thing because he's the person he's 'spending his time with' is mother to children he now potentially has access to in real life.

The only thing between him and those children is a woman who has such exceptionally poor and disturbed judgement that she is knowingly dating someone who enjoys watching children being raped and assaulted.

The opportunity to escalate to physical offences is even worse than the opportunity to continue cyber offences (which also have real victims of course).

I'm sorry but you've got it wrong on this one. Him sleeping with an adult women does not make him less or a risk to that woman's children, at all.