Mum dating a sex offender

[diegoyeah]

I was informed a while ago by social services that the mother of my children (boys 4 and 7) is dating a guy who had admitted to accessing indecent images of children. She then separated from this guy, and I thought all was OK.

My eldest son told me he had been in contact with this guy via a video call ( I'm sure it was just an innocent hello). And so I discovered the relationship had restarted.
I then contacted social services because I wasn't happy with the undue risk.. in response, they informed me that the guy had just been given a 2 year suspended sentence, and they had agreed the recommendation would be for there to be no contact between him and the children.. when i got the closing report, it said parole and MOSOVO classified him as high risk for 13 years of accessing class A child pornography (under 12 involving penetrative sex). Yet social services have put no safeguarding measures in themselves. The mother lied to social services and said my son hadn't spoken to him in a video call, but she told me it did happen under different circumstances than the child described. She has stayed in the relationship and tries to downplay.his crimes.by calling it "image abuse".

It only advice I have had from social services is that I had the right to proactively exercise my parental rights.. but obviously this has its own negative effects..
Any advice?

Don’t understand - you remove your children from the threat, get 100% custody. Cannot believe you’re putting your work in front of your children’s safety, get a new job that works around them FFS!! Beyond belief.

Your comments are mind blowing, so wishy washy about a sex offender being in contact with your children.

You're not seeing this from OP and his Exes POV. They are being manipulated by fears and threats no doubt installed by the sex offender.

That IF they take this further and report him, she will lose contact with the kids; as sole parent Dad loses his job/ income/ home; and worst of all , their fragile co-parenting arrangement collapses and the kids end up in care.

The offenders intention is to paralyse both parents and the kids with fear shame and guilt. For godsake, MN, don't help him do that!

try and find out who the local sex offender manager is . This person may have a restriction in place with having contact with children such as a ‘Sexual harm prevention order’ etc so this would mean he isn’t allowed contact at all if it’s stipulated as a condition.

He may be under MAPPA too and I’m sure the local sex offender manager would be interested to know someone with this offence is having contact with children. He may have purposely chosen your partner to get close to children. I work with people like this and they can be very manipulative to gain what they want and gai access to children.

If he is under parole I wouldn’t be surprised if a licence condition for him would be not to have contact with children under 16 years of age too.

i think your best bet to get anything down is speak with the local police offender unit and take it from there.

You're both very naive and inexperienced at what's going on in that family.

The sex offender has targeted an entire family because everybody in it is vulnerable. The mother, children, father, have all been damaged by a family/marital disruption; all are suffering the emotional, financial, practical after effects of that shipwreck, all struggling in the water. Dad must work to maintain a home and support his kids.

The one person in this equation with a clear objective to save himself at any cost, is a convicted child abuser.

I was asking for advice.. doesn't mean I am not taking any action.. it isn't that simple social services and family courts are famous for their bias towards mothers. Simply taking them could result in me being slapped with supervised visits only order.. and the abusive parent free reign.

Decide if it's worth good decent people wasting their energy replying on the basis of this comment.

@JudgeRudy "She has custody of his children". At no point has OP said there are any court-mandated custody arrangements in place.

Having omitted to mention what would be a very salient fact, my guess is that the custody arrangements are informal.
My further guess is that when SS advised him to exercise his parental rights they meant exactly what has been suggested here: take the kids and refuse to return them.

The mother will then have to go to court for access and maybe the shock of having to take this action will wake her up to the serious danger posed by her insane decision to allow this paedophile into her life.

@diegoyeah if you aren't seen as the protective factor in this situation, given that SS have told you to exercise your PR (I can assure you they never write this down but simply by saying it they're telling you what to do) you run the risk of the children going into care.

See a solicitor asap. I believe you can seek an injunction to prohibit this man going within xx metres of your children or speaking with them. Relative did this and the guy disappeared quite quickly, though sadly probably just moved on to another mum.
I agree with others that he has deliberately sought out a single mother with children, and those children have friends, cousins etc…

@diegoyeah this is exactly the route Social Care need you to take in order to reassure them that you are the protective factor in the children's lives. Mum would then need to prove to Social Care that she is not having a relationship with this person let alone allowing them around the children.

social services and family courts are famous for their bias towards mothers. Simply taking them could result in me being slapped with supervised visits only order

You need to let go of this unhelpful paranoia.

There are no grounds for you being slapped with a supervision order.
None whatsoever.
The courts don't punish fathers for wanting more contact with their DC.
The only parent in danger of a supervised visitation order here is their mother.

Talk to the school, talk to FNF, talk to Citizens Advice, talk to your MP.
Just start reaching out, & keep doing it until you have a network of concerned supporters who will help you get through the legal hoops.

https://fnf.org.uk/

@TUCKINGFYPO funnily enough I am perfectly aware of the compromises single mothers make, being one myself.

I didn't mean not work at all. I meant that ongoing shift work as a single parent with no co-parent to rely on, is nigh on impossible. I expected OP to be able to work out that he would have to instead find a job that fits in with his parenting responsibilities.

Why has it been assumed that I don't want to resign from my job? Me being unemployed and unable to put a roof over their heads or feed them is a worry, but at no point have I said I wouldn't if I needed to.. I'm looking for advice on how I can do it .. if there are alternatives that provide protection without sacraficing their stability.. I just have no idea what is available where to get help.. when I was I the relationship, I became isolated, so I have very few people I can turn to for support or advice.

It is a clearly the popular opinion that this is the only move I can make.. I(understandably) haven't seen a single post in support of the mothers rights.. and the only opinion other than "do it" is "why the F**k haven't you already"

Op, have pm'd you

We don't have parole and/ parole officers in the UK. We have probation officers. He will be under mappa

I do not dispute that the sex offender has targeted vulnerable people. My own experience tells me that all abusers do. I also fully understand the need to work and support his children. What I cannot understand is why this is of a higher priority than safeguarding them from abuse. Especially when myself and lots of other mothers (and the overwhelming majority are mothers) found ourselves penniless and homeless living in refuges to keep ourselves and our children safe because their safety is more important thant stability/jobs etc.

OP should prioritise keeping the children. Representing himself through the courts, engaging social service, talking to the children’s schools. If the mother’s partner is a convicted sex offender, there will be something in place to help safeguard the children. But until she is able to, OP must do it regardless of how difficult it may be.

Sorry the word parole must cone from too much American tv, yes it is probation and an agency called MOSOVO who monitor violent crime.e and sex offenders. I read about Mappa but SS didn't mention that.

This is first time on this android app I can't see any PMs..
Where do you go?

Parents have no rights in law, only responsibilities. The mother has no right to expose her children to a paedophile, only the responsibility to protect them from him. If she refuses to understand this you have no choice.

Believe me, if her bf gets the opportunity he will sacrifice your boys' stability for the rest of their lives, purely in pursuit of his own sick sexual gratification.

@diegoyeah You need to act now to keep your children safe. Every day that goes by without you safeguarding your children is a day when your children are at risk from a known sex offender and a mother who can't or won't protect them properly.

Every day that goes by without action when you know about these risks, is a day of demonstrating to Social Work (rightly or wrongly) that you aren't able to safeguard them either. You need to get advice and take action now, to show Social Work that you are responsible, you're taking the risk seriously, and you're prepared to work with them to protect your children.

Social Work Child and Family services may have a list of legal firms you could contact, and some firms offer free or discounted consultations, and/or sliding scales for fees.

The app doesn't show PMs. You have to go on the website and login. You can do it using the web browser on your phone. However, it will try to switch to the app. Don't let it.

It depends where in the UK you are. In Scotland they known as criminal justice social workers.

@Bamboozleme I did wonder the same. OP, are you considering the negative impacts on your life or the kids? Personally I think any negative impact on the kids would be negated by the fact that they need to be safe.

MOSOVO are an arm of the police who manage people who have committed sexual offences. They will be working in conjunction with Probation. He will have to meet them weekly if he is high risk. He will also have a Sexual Harm Prevention Order which means the police will be able to access any devices he has and check for content. He will not be allowed to delete any searches. If he breaches these he will go to prison.

I know you are concerned but your children are safeguarded by the fact that they are not allowed contact with this individual. If you have any information that indicates that he is having contact then you need to contact social services and they should re-assess the case. If they don't believe that your ex-partner is safeguarding the children then they will do something about it.

The fact that their mother is in a relationship with this person also helps to mitigate his risk - he is hopefully getting sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

I would check with police and probation to check that they know he has access to children. Things go wrong when agencies don’t communicate and just because social services are involved it’s not guaranteed they have told other agencies. Something doesn’t seem quite right here. Question your boys in an age appropriate manner about what contact they may have with him and make it easy for them to chat generally about what goes off at home

I actually question the view the courts always side with the mother. Don’t approach this in such a defeatist manner. I feared the same, but I’ve had to go to court several times and I have full custody of my child now. Prior to that I kept my nose clean, paid my child support. Did my best to co-parent in good faith. Even tried mediation.

Over time I have not once received no rebuke from any court, or social worker or anything. If you are laser focused on the children’s best interests and the other parent isn’t over time that picture will emerge. Courts are as they should be focused on the children.

I’ve even represented myself in the end as funds dried up, and I won’t sugar coat it, it’s fucking scary given what’s at stake, but it is doable.