Child to parent violence

[Troubleatmills]

Evening. I’m new to Mumsnet. I’m just so alone and desperate I wondered if anyone had any experience.
I am a single parent with a 13 year old daughter.
she has been violent to me since January. She has been arrested many times and held in custody four times . She has done thousands of pounds worth of damage to our home. The police have been out on many occasions since January and attend at least three times a week.
Social services are useless. They have told me they will not remove her even temporarily. I have no family at all. None of my friends will have her because of the risk she poses. Her father is not on the scene either.
she refuses to speak with a phsychologist so I’m stuck. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with. I’m always covered in bruises and I just don’t know where to turn. I am wondering if anyone out there has been through something similar. I guess I’m just looking for a story where the violence stopped and some hope.
Thank you

Sorry you're experiencing violence from your daughter, that sounds so difficult for you. Have you talked to her school about it? What did the police advise? Do you have any times where you get along where you can talk to your daughter about what she is doing to your relationship? Has she had a lot of trauma to deal with?

Does she have friends with parents she gets on with that she might listen to/ talk to about this?

Hello. Thanks for the reply. Well, the school are doing their best to support. She started refusing to attend school in January. The violence arose at the same time.
The police have been outstanding. They understand the issue but they can only arrest and hold her for a certain amount of time. Prosecution would not solve anything as she would still be released back to me the same day and since the courts are so busy it could be a long time before she gets there. So, I am keen to try and avoid a prosecution for her. The police say that the responsibility lays with Social Services who are not doing much.

This sounds so hard op, it’s absolutely awful for you.
I think it’s particularly difficult currently because child services are geared towards dealing with the child directly but don’t give you much of an opportunity to give your side of the story.
Does your daughter have any recognised mh conditions, has she been assessed for asd?
Is she abusing any substances? School refusal? Unsuitable friendships? Hormonal issues?

She won’t talk to anyone. Friends , phsychologists, teachers , police. No one. She just sits in silence.

Is the violence very much ‘behind closed doors’ then, or would she still be abusive to you if say, you had somebody (a friend of yours for instance) in your home?

Social services would have no choice but to take her If you refused to accept her back from police custody.

Thanks for replying. No substance abuse. No diagnoses anything. The professionals say it’s behavioural. All injuries and damage to the house photographed by myself and police so social services know it’s happening. She doesn’t deny it either. It’s not so much they don’t let me give my side but it seems there’s not an awful lot they can do. They sent support workers in. The last lot were not experienced with teenagers and told me that daily. Waste of time and she wouldn’t talk to them anyway.
she won’t talk to me except to demand things. Every day demanding things and when I say no she assaults me or causes more damage to the house.

I have tried this. I would get done for neglect. I have tried three or four times and it’s no use.

Who has told you this? I think you need to get some legal advice on this because I think the social workers will tell you anything just to get you to take her back.

Hello. She has been violent to me in front of someone else once. The neighbours have called the police many times as they hear her and they worry for my safety.

The Police. Also, I didn’t want to say but I guess it makes no difference my profession is within the legal field too so I cannot risk any arrest myself if you see what I mean.

Is this a cry for help? My immediate thought is has something happened to her or is she become involved with someone on the Internet? There is always a reason for this sort of disturbed behaviour. Can you go through her phone with her? Or do it when she's asleep.
What consequences does she face when she assaults you? I would have stopped paying her phone contract the first time this happened.

Our DD13 has been violent and aggressive towards us over the past year or 2. She was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Tourette's in the last 6 months and commenced medication 6 weeks ago.
Prior to this she had displayed very violent behaviours when angry or frustrated. With the help of Social Services and a Family Support Worker, we have a behaviour plan in place with incentives and rewards for good behaviour/meeting her targets and removal of privileges and luxuries for breaking agreed rules. I never thought in a million years that we would get anywhere with this, but DD has worked hard and we are in a much better place. We literally praise everything, no matter how small (eg. bringing her washing down) and we compliment her appearance, acknowledge her good behaviour and she knows we love and support her no matter what.

It's been incredibly hard work but DD seems relieved that we have put boundaries in place and taken control of the situation. Prior to this she was absconding from the house, drinking, going missing, fighting, vaping and in a lot of trouble at school. Police were involved 3-4 times per week and it was utterly soul destroying seeing her in such a state of distress with her impulsive and violent behaviours.

We are only a few weeks in but we are in a much better place. We have had no police involvement for a month and our relationship is so much better. There is still a lot of work to do but implementation of boundaries and consequences and seeing them through has been a huge game changer. We give her fair warning when we see a situation escalating and have learned better methods of de-escalating. No shouting, staying calm, giving her space etc. all work well in the heat of the moment. It's worth researching de-escalation techniques as I was subconsciously making a bad situation worse previously.
I hope things get better for you

She has no phone since she smashed it the third time. I do go down her social media on my phone. There is nothing. That’s why I was hoping anyone with experience of similar would see the post as no one is getting anywhere with her in trying to get to the bottom if you see what I mean. It’s been 4 long months and I’m struggling beyond belief. I have friends who I talk to but I can’t keep putting them through it as they are as shocked as me.

I think it’s a lot easier said than done to just ‘cancel a phone contract’ with a teen like this. Their behaviour often extends to running away, making self harm threats and worse, and sometimes a parent needs them to have a phone for safety reasons.

So sorry OP, sounds impossible. FWIW I have had a similar experience with a step child. Social services only became interested because of younger siblings. They don’t care about the adults. I’m not sure what to suggest but I know how hard it is to feel vulnerable in your own home.

Troubleatmills it might be with asking your local Social Services about Triple P Teens Patenting course. I was quite sceptical but found the group sessions a really good source of support and I felt less alone knowing other parents were experiencing similar. My friends have been similarly shocked when I describe my daughters behaviour.

THANK YOU so much. First I’m really pleased for you as I cannot imagine being four weeks in without police or violence. Did it take two years from the initial violence and reporting it until now though ? I’m only four months in and although the services are involved I am not sure I can survive that long. Also, if I can ask- did your daughter engage with the services. Mine won’t talk to support workers etc. she just closes her room door and stands behind it. They won’t force the door either. So it’s radio silence.

Thank you. I’m sorry about your situation too.

i know this sounds very simplistic have you tried leaving a notepad & pen in her room & suggesting she writes down how she is feelings and her thoughts and wishes? She might find it easier than talking. It does sound like something has triggered this behaviour. Do you have any prevention services in your area? You need to push at social services as there is funding for things that can do under section 17 such as get carers in to your home trained in restraint.

Yes. It’s smashed so I’m still paying but refusing to have it fixed unless we have at least two weeks of decency.

What are her triggers? If any

Thank you. We have a criminal justice worker but again she blanks her.

Anything she can’t get her own way over. Using my phone, buying her a vape ( as if I would), going to macdonalds at 2 am etc etc.