Child to parent violence

[Troubleatmills]

Evening. I’m new to Mumsnet. I’m just so alone and desperate I wondered if anyone had any experience.
I am a single parent with a 13 year old daughter.
she has been violent to me since January. She has been arrested many times and held in custody four times . She has done thousands of pounds worth of damage to our home. The police have been out on many occasions since January and attend at least three times a week.
Social services are useless. They have told me they will not remove her even temporarily. I have no family at all. None of my friends will have her because of the risk she poses. Her father is not on the scene either.
she refuses to speak with a phsychologist so I’m stuck. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with. I’m always covered in bruises and I just don’t know where to turn. I am wondering if anyone out there has been through something similar. I guess I’m just looking for a story where the violence stopped and some hope.
Thank you

There is a charity called PEGS that supports parents who are experiencing violence from their children www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Does she have friends and a social life?
how does she spend her free time?

Thank you for the PEGS info. Yes, I had seen them and will make contact. Thanks.

Why is she behaving like this? Does she have additional needs? Is there a history of trauma? Has she ever witnessed domestic violence against yourself? Has she been bullied? Or do you just have no clue?
How was her behaviour previously?

How you solve this will really depend on where the behaviour is stemming from.

If you tell children's services that they need to take her into foster care and become very insistent about this you will start to find more support available.

She does have friends but rarely goes out. She spends all of her time in the house. She won’t come out with me as I’m embarrassing. I get that with teenagers. However, she is happy to socialise when she goes out occasionally with her friends.

There seems to be no obvious reason. She has never seen any form of domestic violence. It is a completely different behaviour than she ever had before. In terms of how I will solve it that’s why I posted because I’m slowly imploding here.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation OP. Both my DS have severe SEN and although we are very lucky not to experience violence, many many families of children who they go to school with experience this.

I assume your daughter won't engage with medication? One family I know had some success with medication following them calling social services emergency line due to their DS's behaviour.

'THANK YOU so much. First I’m really pleased for you as I cannot imagine being four weeks in without police or violence. Did it take two years from the initial violence and reporting it until now though ? I’m only four months in and although the services are involved I am not sure I can survive that long. Also, if I can ask- did your daughter engage with the services. Mine won’t talk to support workers etc. she just closes her room door and stands behind it. They won’t force the door either. So it’s radio silence.'

For us, we struggled with aggression and violence for around 6 months before having to seek help. Events overtook us and she became violent at school and towards police. This was in November '22 and we have had frequent police involvement with the exception of the last month. I engaged with school and literally emailed, phoned and begged any available agency for support. DD would not speak to begin with and was reluctant to accept any help at all. She still isn't keen to speak with CAMHS but her Family Support Worker is amazing and she is engaging well. It's a slow process but consistency and boundaries are key. Barnardos also have a lot of resources which are worth looking into.

Is this completely out of the blue or behaviours that have escalated over the years?

Hi OP. This sounds so difficult, I'm so sorry. I don't have any relevant experience but I think if you join the Therapeutic Parenting Facebook group there will be people who have had similar experiences to you who may have some advice. Also I have seen the book 'The Explosive Child' recommended in similar situations.

Thanks so much for sharing. Okay so we are not long behind you in terms of when you sought help. Hopefully maybe some movement soon again. I appreciate your reply.

If this is a completely new behaviour then I would think there is a strong possibility that she has gone through some trauma that you aren't aware of. Sexual assault? Bullying?

Did she show reactive behaviours when younger?

Thank you very much. Hadn’t heard of the book and will get it. I’m grateful of everyone’s input here. So lonely just sat here thinking about it all but maybe that’s because police haven’t had to come today so I am thinking about it all.

I keep pressing for info and so does everyone but nothing comes out of her mouth. You’d think after 4 months she would be talking. I feel that now she’s forcing herself to be violent though.

Out of the blue brand new from January.

Was she on any sleepovers around that time , or spent time at someone else's house etc?

Have you checked her SM around that time, messages sent/received, photos, including deleted ones?

If it's completely out of the blue, something happened. No child switches personalities from one day to the next for no reason.

Are you in a position to take her out of school and homeschool for a while? I wouldn't actually try any schooling at first. Just spend time together doing nice things.

I don’t think homeschooling would be good for anyone. Can you imagine telling a woman whose husband beats her , to spend more time with him?

She’s been refusing to attend school. Her school have recommended an online school for this term. Im in touch with them and trying to sort it out. I work full time too so it’s all so bloody tricky.

This sounds so much like my niece. Hers was triggered by a bereavement and puberty, but she has now been diagnosed as autistic. She’d been masking for her whole life then suddenly it wasn’t possible anymore.

Hi. I’ve asked my Dr. To give her something but he says he can’t prescribe anything. Am I going nuts or should he be ? I’m losing all perspective is the problem.

Does your local authority offer NVR (non violent resistance) groups? These are groups for parents with children who are violent towards them

I think the type of medications that children have eg for ADHD or anxiety have to be prescribed by a paediatrician or psychiatrist. It might be worth asking your GP to refer you on. Our GP had to complete our initial ADHD referral recently as our DS's school does not have a school nurse. Our other DS has trialled ADHD medication and that was prescribed by a paediatrician.

Huge sympathy from me . My daughter did this for around 7 years. Escalating until I had to have a cut on my head glued together last year.
In brief; see if you can join an NVR (non violent resistance) parenting course. It's not a panacea but I found it a huge relief knowing I wasn't alone. My DD has since improved a lot once she knew there was the threat of police and care hanging over her. She still self harms, CAMHS don't want to see her and she won't see a counsellor but she is at school and we muddle through. It will be a long road to things being OK.