Child to parent violence

[Troubleatmills]

Evening. I’m new to Mumsnet. I’m just so alone and desperate I wondered if anyone had any experience.
I am a single parent with a 13 year old daughter.
she has been violent to me since January. She has been arrested many times and held in custody four times . She has done thousands of pounds worth of damage to our home. The police have been out on many occasions since January and attend at least three times a week.
Social services are useless. They have told me they will not remove her even temporarily. I have no family at all. None of my friends will have her because of the risk she poses. Her father is not on the scene either.
she refuses to speak with a phsychologist so I’m stuck. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with. I’m always covered in bruises and I just don’t know where to turn. I am wondering if anyone out there has been through something similar. I guess I’m just looking for a story where the violence stopped and some hope.
Thank you

I feel for you so much. I have had my daughter hot me in the face on a couple of occasions. I had some personal therapy and said to therapist 'if she was a man I'd have asked him to leave by now' and he sand he said well there's your problem... I have been asserting boundaries like a MF since. It is improving.

The thing is, he can't medicate if he doesn't know what the problem is. Can you afford private therapy for her , and then if need be bribe her to attend? Is there anyone in her life she might open up to?

Oh, and like others, she has finally been referred for an ASD assessment. only took 9 years since first asking.

Ime the gp is reluctant to prescribe anything because they would rely on the pathway of camhs followed by their referral to child psychologist/ psychiatrist. The gp will often rely on the school to seek an assessment for ASD, and because teenage girls are so good at masking, school may not have considered this at all. You would have to fight for it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The key has to be finding out what happened in January to trigger all this. Do you have funds for a private psychiatrist?

My post upthread has been hidden by mnet but we experienced similar with our dd and it was absolutely 100% fueled by drug use, in the form of edibles and vape pens, easily obtainable , easy to hide. Often exchanged for sweets and drinks I was paying for.

Hi. I was paying for private therapy but she wouldn’t engage at all.

She’s had private phsychologist but she wouldn’t talk. I don’t know if a phsychiatrist would prescribe without her talking either.

I’m sorry to hear this and pleased that she is responding a bit to the boundaries.

Something happened in January to kick start this. Have you tried having that conversation with her? I've no idea how you would go about it, I'm sure others more experienced with these behaviours could advise better, but there is no way this isn't stemming from something traumatic happening to her and you probably aren't going to get anywhere until you have some insight into what that was. Huge sympathy for you both, it sounds like an awful situation to be in.

I know it's a pain but you need to keep trying. Use anything you can , including bribery to get her there and attempt to engage. An experienced child therapist should be able to find a way through. It will also take a while to build trust.

Talking is the answer your right. I just get assaulted every day and not made any progress in 4 months though. The support workers etc just come and go because they can’t get her to talk. The social worker does the same. The criminal justice woman does the same. Even this evening she’s just so vile while we are eating dinner. Not one decent word except abuse. I guess I am having a low day but she gives me nothing to work with at all.

Is she ever nice or at least quiet and settled? Does she act the same when you try to do something nice with her cinema/, day out, etc Do you have any good times together?

I’ve had experience of this for five years since my dd was 10.

Different from your dd in that my dd had diagnosed behavioural difficulties from the age of 3 and had been permanently excluded from two schools by the age of 10.

We have had daily beatings for hours on end and trashing the house. Social services and police and all the agencies are involved.

I do sympathise. There is a lot of pressure from social services to just get on with it day by day. They don’t want responsibility for another child in care.

Hi.
I feel like i am at the start of a similar road. I have had to call the police a couple of times last month - police and school have referred us to Early help. Panel will meet next week . He already has an adhd and asd diagnosis. I have no advice but you are not alone

Hi. Maybe once every other day she will be okay for about ten mins. Usually it’s because she wants something that I’m not going to supply. During those glimpses I try to chat etc but it’s like she remembers she’s not wanting to talk to me or something and then immediately becomes vile again. I’ve just had two weeks off school and every day ask her if she wants to go out etc. she doesn’t want to go anywhere with me she says.

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry about this. The police do say it’s not the only job like this they’ve been on. I hope that you mr referral goes well and thanks for that.

I’m sorry to hear this BloodyMarys. Social Services - you’ve hit the nail on the head. They told me they have not one space. The police told me the same thing regarding all care facilities for kids are overcrowded already.

Sorry for not reading whole thread. But have you looked at Yvonne newbold on facebook. She has excellent resources- my son has autism and on more than one occasion I thought he would kill me - not because he wanted to but because he couldn’t express his feelings. Things are less bad now but we had (useless) social services involvement. Had police out who told him that even though he was a child we could use reasonable force to defend ourselves- not that we did. But I would strongly recommend looking at Yvonne resources
sorry you are going through this

Sudden change in behaviour, refusing to go to school, violent irrational outbursts.. I would say something has happened in school she feels like she cant share. Sexual assault? When shes calm, let her know shes safe with you and she can tell you anything and she will not be blamed. If something has happened, it is not her fault.

Thank you Helpreallyneeded. I will look her up as I had never heard of her. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad things have calmed for you a bit now.

I’ve got to agree with previous posters - something has happened in January. Can you speak to any of her friends and ask them if they know anything? Do her friends know how she behaves?

By the way, and it’s fine if you don’t do this, but if you click on the @ button on the bottom right hand side of the post you’re writing, you can tag the author of the post you’re replying to. Just makes it easier for people to know you’re replying to them

She is very good. Got an obe for her work and does a lot of stuff with NHS England

https://m.facebook.com/groups/421839288150939/

hope that works. I think she is now newbold hope on face book.

I'm so sorry to hear you are dealing with all this. For both of you: it must be horrible for your DD too. What (or who) happened in or before January though? Over Christmas? Or at New Year maybe? Something has happened or triggered this and it sounds like it is too traumatic or upsetting for your DD to even verbalise. Encouraged to hear that you are still eating dinners together - even if only sometimes and they sound awful with verbal abuse to you, but I am sure that somehow she is praying that you are going to help her unlock all this horror.

@Pinkplasticbathcup Thank you - I can finally respond to the proper person ! Something could have happened your right it’s just getting to it. Her school have been outstanding and have even been to the house to see her. None of her friends say they know and it just seems extraordinary.