Child to parent violence

[Troubleatmills]

Evening. I’m new to Mumsnet. I’m just so alone and desperate I wondered if anyone had any experience.
I am a single parent with a 13 year old daughter.
she has been violent to me since January. She has been arrested many times and held in custody four times . She has done thousands of pounds worth of damage to our home. The police have been out on many occasions since January and attend at least three times a week.
Social services are useless. They have told me they will not remove her even temporarily. I have no family at all. None of my friends will have her because of the risk she poses. Her father is not on the scene either.
she refuses to speak with a phsychologist so I’m stuck. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with. I’m always covered in bruises and I just don’t know where to turn. I am wondering if anyone out there has been through something similar. I guess I’m just looking for a story where the violence stopped and some hope.
Thank you

Has she been checked medically, I have heard people talking about illnesses like pandas causing massive behavioral changes. I don't know if that's accurate but a physical check up might be a good idea
Ate you sure she isn't taking drugs op?

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind Thank you. Appreciate it.

It does sound extreme, has she been checked over medically? Does she eat okay?

I think I'd want to get some blood tests done to rule out any physical cause for the sudden aggression. Has she started her periods? Are they regular?

@Tempone Pandas- you mean Covid ? Yes Dr has checked her out. She seems in fine health he says. She’s also checked out by a police Dr. I think every time she’s taken to custody.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/pandas#:~:text=PANDAS%20is%20short%20for%20Pediatric,strep%20throat%20or%20scarlet%20fever

No here is info on pandas

What about Learning some https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_self_defense ? At least to protect yourself.
It sounds very stressful.

@Tempone thanks very much. Had never heard of it. She’s going to have blood tests so maybe that can establish something ? Super interesting and something else to think about thanks.

@Cherrybl0ssm thabk you very much. This is actually a good idea and I will look into this thanks. I’m just one big bruise most days on my chest and arms and stomach so I will have a look.

What a difficult and worrying situation for you. Take care of yourself , this is so hard on you. Maybe a specialist provision school where she can be supported by trusted adults , could you ask school if they have a local places they could refer to.
Also remember that whatever is going on for her she is able to be like this with you because she feels safe with you, doesn't make it ok.
All behaviour is communication and telling a story of what is happening inside .

@fruitypancake Thank you. It may come to a specialist school if she can’t get into the school routine again. I’ve just had a few smacks off her now as I won’t let her use my phone. She smashed mine up last time I let her though and dare not be without a phone at the moment. I have got into bed and I know she will be down starting with me again soon.

Have you got a safe space? I think I would a get some locks on my doors so I could lock myself in my room if needed.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies the internal doors are so flimsy she would just kick the panels through. She’s probably done about 15 k damage to the house since January.

OP this is concerning.

There are a few things you should consider and that is more on the anti social aspect of this. Although we develop our brains till 25, could she be showing signs of cluster B personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, narcissistic pd, anti-social pd. I think it sounds like the latter one. ALL of them have damaged Pre frontal cortex, which explains the rage and the violence. Most are incurable but some can be tweaked if detected early on. Nevertheless even if it is one you can not change at least it may give you a weather forecast of what to expect day to day.

I mentioned my dd earlier. I believe puberty was a major trigger for her. Even though she has had behavioural issues since she was young, it escalated at puberty and became directed towards me and the home.

@Sittwritt Thank you. I guess until someone can diagnose her with something all possibilities are open. However, she’s normal with her friends and seems to be able to control or be selective in that it’s only directed at me ? I don’t know e enough about this kind of thing to know whether that fits with any of the things you mention.

Well that fits the bill perfectly, that’s why it’s such a mind fuck of how they can be normal and then behind closed doors absolute monsters. A lot of them are really charming when presenting as normal, especially NPD and BPD. Not sure how much the ASPD could mask.

So basically look up traits for all 3, think about how they relate to yr DD. It’s usually very hard to get a diagnosis when assessing her as she may choose to present as the victim etc and not all psychologists are widened up to this. Dr Phil does a few series on this on Phil in the Blanks, around episodes 89-95 I think, it’s an eye opener.

How many sessions did she have? Did the psychologist have any suggestions? This sounds so hard.

It can take many many years and alot of trust and reassaurance for people to open up about trauma and abuse...some say it's like a mental block they literally cannot talk about it.Not saying 100% that something abusive has gone on, but something has to have triggered such extreme behaviour.I really do feel for you, I can't imagine the difficult position you are in, but try not to reject and blame her too much because if she has gone through some sort of trauma it will be making her worse.Behaviour like this in children is always either a cry for help, an expression of hurt or a result of mental health difficulties.

Can you try maybe getting her a personal journal as an outlet? Just leave it in her room and she may use it.I found writing my feelings down helpful as a teenager with mental health problems.

Does she have outlets such as sport or exercise for aggression? Would reducing screen time help too if she has much of that?

Forgive me if I missed it, but has your dd been referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service)? This can be done via the GP.

CAMHS psychiatrists can prescribe things like anti-anxiety meds etc once assessments have taken place.

This happened to someone I know
They had Their son arrested and then just told the police they wouldn't accept him home for their own safety and that they needed to phone social services for emergency foster care - don't have her back if she's doing this;

Best call ever she made

Foster care for about 6 months, gradual visits and therapy now everything is back to normal again.

@justanotherdrama thanks. Hasn’t worked for me. I get told to open the door or I will be in trouble.

I think I'd risk 'trouble' over being beaten up every day. What can they do that's worse than what your dd is doing to you?

Next time she assaults you call the police and don't have her home.

@Troubleatmills this is just insane. How can they tell you you have to open the door to someone who is continually assaulting you? Even if it’s your daughter surely you have a right to be safe??!!

This must be horrifically difficult and I’m so sorry. The only other thing I can think of is actually getting advice from a lawyer so you know legally where you stand with social services

But that's just not true. Can you look up some local family lawyers and get advice?

Because we aren't talking about two adults here... this is the OP's child...she is 13 not 18 :-/ I get it must be horrific being physically assaulted as the OP is, but clearly this poor young girl has major issues.Rather than being rejected, blamed and separated from her mum, she needs support and psychiatric therapy from the right professionals.