Child to parent violence

[Troubleatmills]

Evening. I’m new to Mumsnet. I’m just so alone and desperate I wondered if anyone had any experience.
I am a single parent with a 13 year old daughter.
she has been violent to me since January. She has been arrested many times and held in custody four times . She has done thousands of pounds worth of damage to our home. The police have been out on many occasions since January and attend at least three times a week.
Social services are useless. They have told me they will not remove her even temporarily. I have no family at all. None of my friends will have her because of the risk she poses. Her father is not on the scene either.
she refuses to speak with a phsychologist so I’m stuck. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with. I’m always covered in bruises and I just don’t know where to turn. I am wondering if anyone out there has been through something similar. I guess I’m just looking for a story where the violence stopped and some hope.
Thank you

@justanotherdrama It is illegal. It’s child neglect and I would lose my job. Hence the problem. I’ve verified the info as well and I also have a law background so am familiar. It’s not my area but it’s definitely correct. https://www.lawandparents.co.uk/can-we-legally-throw-our-16-year-old-son-out.html

I’m fully aware of the fact she isn’t an adult and something has gone horrifically wrong somewhere for her. I feel incredibly sorry for her and her mum.

But I don’t believe that anyone should have to live with someone who is assaulting them repeatedly. I didn’t have a child to give up my basic right to be physically safe, and I don’t think anyone else does either. I only hope the violence doesn’t escalate as heaven knows what level it would have to get to before the OP actually gets some help.

OP I really hope you and your daughter manage to get through this. I don’t have any other advice I’m sorry, but I’m very shocked and sorry for you. Keep us updated xx

You wouldn't be throwing her out but voluntarily putting her into care. This is not illegal. https://www.fostercareuk.co.uk/knowledge-centre/reasons-for-a-child-to-be-taken-into-care#:~:text=On%20some%20occasions%2C%20parents%20may,for%20the%20child%20any%20longer.

@Troubleatmills

Throwing your child out on to the streets is not the same as seeking section 20 accommodation for your child.
In the last year two of my work colleagues have had their child taken into foster care.
In one case the police were involved on numerous occasions and they eventually told social services that it was not safe for the child to return home.
In both cases , they are rebuilding their relationships, one is older now turned 16 so unlikely to return home, the other is 14 and the long term plan is for them to return home.
You really need to get the police on side.

I feel for you OP. I hope your day is going OK. This sort of stuff is traumatic and makes you always be in high alert.

For those suggesting psychiatric help… it’s not that easy simple or even helpful. What if the child has anti social tendencies of cluster B, there is nothing to help in that case as the very basic thing is that such patients have no insight and can not see themselves as being the root of the problem. It’s like a default.

I feel for you op. But why on earth are you accepting her home… nothing will change until you change it. Tell SS or police next time she’s arrested you’re scared of her and she needs to be taken into care. It may be the shock she needs to accept help. Not all kids in care are removed for their benefit, plenty In foster/supported accommodation for reasons like you’re struggling with. Can I ask what the consequences for you DD where the first time she hit you/ wrecked the house…

@Nap1983 its OP’s child. It’s the worst situation there is.

I think OPs only hope is to look at how you can move her out permanently ASAP. Or at least the minute she is 18. So you can support her but not be anyone’s punchbag.

Have you ever tried consequences with someone where consequences don’t work? The inability to learn from one’s behaviour might just sum it up.

I understand it’s her child and an awful situation. It was a genuine question about the first time it happened and how it escalated to what it is now.

OP if this only started in January I’d think this is what you need to hammer in to every service you speak to.

I'd all evidence you can from the past 13 years : doctors, HV, ask the nursery, primary, current school to summarize how she was (I don’t know how this could be done in a legal way though), contact her friends’ parents and ask them if their children would also be willing to say so (ex: are they a calm group etc).

On another note, I would push the friendships questionings (via the parents may be safer at this point), do none of them have any clue ?

TW**SA

I was assaulted at 21 and ended up pregnant and terminated (I didn’t want to instinctively, but that’s another question, I didn’t feel like there was another option : extremely poor, unsupportive family with mh issues refusing medication I’d basically been a young carer for when my own child in care placement ended at 15 due to passing away - and it was only a couple of months after I’d managed to get away from all that, so causing huge family discontent of ‘abandoning’ them and getting myself into an amazing education opportunity (I was always extremely academic luckily, just not allowed to move, so I was lucky in that sense that getting in was still ok at a high level).
Anyway, sorry for all about my life, it’s just to give you insight into the torture before the decision to terminate, and after that I completely crumbled. For years. And for long years no one knew. My academics struggled but somehow held on ( I’m actually still not done at 32, because of years off, although it’s a v long degree and final year of). I still had friends. I still passed when I did show up to exams, so no one understood.

Sorry I’ll stop now because it’s hard to talk about rn : I moved to England (western European) for the final year last year, and failed it, I crumbled again. It’s my fault in a way because by not talking about it I never accessed the right therapy. And here the new environment was less forgiving, they didn’t know me, and well, it’s up in the air now if they’ll actually let me finish, or if it will be all over and back to 21 with no qualifications (I can’t just repeat back home for complicated academic fine print, or my home institution definitely would have let me - to be precise didn’t fail, I just crumbled and lots of absences was the issue).
Sorry this last paragraph wasn’t planned at all, barely anyone knows about it because once again it’s so horrific I can’t bear talking about it.
All this to say, don’t let her be like me, in the possibility it was a traumatic event. After 11 years of fighting to hold on alone (I do have very close friends) I’m still about to lose it all…

Thanks for the posts everyone.
The police are putting in referrals every time they come and they tell me at the highest level of safety risk to Social Services.
I did ask for a s20 CA outcome ie voluntarily putting her into care. However, the reality seems to be ( at least in my local area) that there are no places for her.

A friend of mine has offered to come and stay for a bit. From next week for at least a couple of weeks. This won’t solve the issue but I’m hoping that it will level off the violence for a short time at least. This may break a pattern - I don’t know. Tomorrow we have a big day with support workers etc. I’m hoping that she will open up to them. We managed to have a ten min convo tonight which is the first insightful one since January. Hopefully it’s a start though I’m not holding my breath.
Three days without the police here is good and 7 is our record since January. I just have a couple of days when it stops and then I’m back to all the shock and emotions when it does happen again.

@Nap1983 The first time it happened I got a serious beating which resulted in injuries to myself and she was arrested. The repercussions were removal of privileges ie phone/ grounded and professionals came in.

Is there a chance she has deleted chats off her social media or entries in her history

@Sittwritt Yes- She doesn’t seem to be getting the connection between behaviour and consequences. Seems angrier when there is a consequence. However, she’s got the connection her entire life and understood them until now so unsure as to why it’s not making sense to her now.

@Benandjs since she logged onto her media using my phone I have all the logins and check. There is a possibility but there’s no way of me finding out. No one has reported anything to me. Previously when dubious things have been put up on social media I’ve usually had a call from one of her friends to say ie swear words etc.

I know this sounds obvious but maybe she needs to know she is loved and have a lot of positive attention, even when she is swearing her head off

It's possible, It happens more than people think. OP if this is what may have happened maybe the reason could be that she's feeling under threat if she spoke out? (Not by you, by whoever may have hurt her) but is scared of saying the truth as she may be more worried about upsetting you or if people have threatened her with hurting your family? Or worried it will cause trouble? But everything emotion wise is all coming out totally wrong.

Sending you all the luck to getting to the reasons and hopefully some solutions 🍀

Jesus.. I wrongly assumed this was something that had escalated over time. It does seem like perhaps some event maybe has triggered this anger. However you should not be taking the brunt of it. Personally I’d not have her back in the house alone with you, sounds a good idea to have friend staying. And I know it’s easy to offer advice when it’s not your situation. I really hope your situation improves

@Troubleatmills was your dd ok at Christmas? Did you get along fine? If so, do you remember that time and who she could have been around in those following couple of weeks?

@Benandjs Am trying !

@LittleOctopus Christmas was normal. Four months been trying to get to the bottom of it no luck.

Honestly trauma or no trauma mental health can kick in out if the blue like this. Then people can tell u all sorts like be positive, tell them you love them, they didn’t get enough affection, there must be a reason. Often there is no reason. Impairment to the functioning of your core frontal cortex affects your higher function decision making and makes you resort to the reptilian brain which is amygdala hijack, rage central. Yes, complex ptsd can be similar but if it were she should be having periods of normal functioning. Sounds to me like she is shortcircuiting to this. It’s worth researching elderly abuse as this is the only category in which I feel you may be protected in the long term but I suspect but whilst she is under 18.

So, she spoke for six minuites to a support worker. Albeit through her room door. First movement in 4 months. Then, a friend of mine came over who has been a foster parent and unbelievably my daughter spent two hours talking with her upstairs. I don’t know exactly what was said as haven’t had a chance to catch up with my friend yet but the friend seems to have some interesting thoughts apparantly. Again, astonishing to me that we may be seeing something. Trying not to get too excited as too crushing it it’s a one off but she’s still in there somewhere I’m hearing.

@Troubleatmills that sounds so promising positive that she's starting to communicate. I hope your dd finds support from these chats and building connections and you notice an improvement in behaviour and your relationship as a result.

@LittleOctopus thank you. I will keep you all updated.

Well done OP and we’ll done to your girl. I truly hope it’s a breakthrough. But you are right to be on the verge of caution also, as manipulative behaviour can oscillate it this pattern of relief, tension, relief, more tension. I’ve known a person to be awful to their parents talk to their aunt about it all, blame it all on the parents only for the aunt to then get on the persons side and chastise the parents etc. This lasted a few years and then the person went to stay with that aunt and aunt finally came to her senses of what the hell is going on. Anyhow, you can expect anything, trauma, bullying, but don’t be surprised if you hear a lot of blame for you despite caring deeply and being a super mum that’s tolerated hell towards her. It will all depend on her ability to have insight into her actions and recovery will depend on this very much indeed.