How does gentle parenting work in later years

[ohheytherehi]

I have a 2.5 year old. I'd say my husband and I are using quite a gentle parenting approach, with boundaries (and a few bribes). She is generally really cooperative and although she has a few moments, she responds well to the approach I think. She does hit us though, and has hit other close family members. She feels bad afterwards and usually gives the person a hug, sometimes with us asking her to, sometimes not. I think that's normal enough behaviour for a 2.5 year old?

My question is how does this all work later. I have just visited relatives who live in another country. They have 2 lovely kids, 7 and 11. The older ones especially is polite, studious, sweet with my daughter. My relative says that her and her husband "show them who is boss" so that they know they need to respect adults. And they do. They're lovely. I also have suspicions they hit their kids. I would never do this, but I generally try to explain and negotiate with my daughter so that she feels in control. E g would you like this or that, would you like 1 or 2 more minutes of play etc. my relatives seem to imply that she is going to walk all over us at some point. I'm wondering if although it works now, a stricter approach is better in the future.

Sorry. So many typos in there! Hopefully the meaning is there

Children need boundaries the younger they are, the more boundaries they need. My observation is of one family who explicitly took a gentle parenting approach which meant there were no boundaries. Their children have grown up to be very self centred and fairly unhappy children. The parents have lost who they are as people to their children's every whim and desire. No one is happy. They have incredibly restricted diets, terrible sleeping arrangements, money issues as they try to keep up with demands.
I'm not sure if this is what you mean by gentle parenting but if it is, it doesn't make for happiness long term. Be the adult and the parent your child needs.

Ah it’s so difficult OP isn’t it. Facebook keeps feeding me ‘gentle parenting’ videos and ‘active parenting’ videos and it constantly makes me question whether my approach is right. Because of that, over the past months I’ve tried to change my style to experiment and see what works/doesn’t work…

in all honesty, most things I have tried haven’t felt ‘natural’ to me and I feel that when it hasn’t felt ‘right’ for me to parent in that way, it just hasn’t had the right effect on my kids either. (Although I have picked up a couple of things here and there that I now like to use more frequently, particularly from the active parenting type school of thought).

another thing I have found is that when I do start to question my own parenting style, it’s often because I DO need to change something up a bit. Children go through different stages and have different levels of comprehension as they grow, so your style probably does need to adapt as she gets older (adapt though, not do a total 360). So maybe think about somethings you might try out or adjust to compliment your growing girl and any renewed testing of boundaries?

my point is, you have to do what YOU feel works for you because only you know your child and your family dynamic.
Xxx

I was always kind but firm with boundaries with my children when they were younger. So if they were naughty there were consequences - overtly naughty. I can remember once taking my eldest to a friend's house to play and he kept on not sharing and shouting. So I said if he kept doing that we would leave - he did and so we left. But that was rare because all my kids were well behaved most of the time. I think you need to understand developmentsl stages and not expect too much of a child who is just acting their age. For example you can't be angry at a 2yo who doesn't want to sit for ages in one place. But I think you have to have high expectations when they're older and follow through with punishments. I don't mean physical or shouting.
My friend at the time was more into gentle parenting. No telling off, lots of discussions and explaining things to her children. Endless explaining while they ignored her and did what they wanted. She never raised her voice or gave ultimatums. Roll on 12 years and my kids tell me her kids are awful in school. They've both had temporary exclusions, both vape and use balloons and ket - apparently it's all on their social media. She was kind but completely useless with them. I remember her youngest destroying another child's Lego model at a playgroup while my friend said darling that's not very kind over and over.
Parents of little children never seem to get that how they parent now has consequences years later.

What do you do when she hits? What consequence does she get? Saying sorry and giving a hug isn't a consequence. Do you remove her from the situation? Time out? It's not inevitable that toddlers hit and usually when they start they do stop it because they get a consequence they don't like.

My toddler has seldom hit me or my husband and never anyone else. It's time out straight away if it ever happens then he apologises. A cuddle is more of a reward than anything! It's not normal behaviour to be hitting regularly. Children need proper boundaries, nor pat on the head when they misbehave

I consider myself a gentle parent and as she's got older the same principles of natural consequences have applied. She's now 11, there are still boundaries (gentle parenting never means no boundaries at all), but they now involve discussion with her about why they are there and she can have input on things such as screen time limits.

In the same way as when she was younger we talk about her feeling and emotions, we don't need to label them for her now she knows them, so we can acknowledge them and then talk through any behaviour, "I know your frustrated but doing X thing isn't ok because ... now how can we sort out the frustration?"

The basic principles remain the same, just the types of boundaries change and the dialogue has become more grown up. Things are also often more of a collaboration now, giving her a say, but we have the final word.

I think I was a gentle parent, at least I hope I was. Mine grew up fine, I have no complaints.

A they get older the problems change but they still need mum. I have an 11 and 8 year old.

parenting for me is boundaries. Around tech particularly.

It’s reasonable consequence. So, talking back / rudeness is immediate loss of screen for a fixed period of time. I set à calendar reminder so they know it’s fair.

we do a lot of conversation after a pinch point too. So for example, the eldest is learning that when upset she is ok to go and have some alone time and do something that improves her mood. She ran a bath recently. Or she can bake. Or paint.

it’s just a transition into communicating with them more in the way you would an adult. But don’t forget how young they are too.

the Biggest thing is to remember they still need one on one time with you even as they get independence.

You are talking about 2 extremes. Your dd hitting is just not ok. At all. The fact you think it is I find staggering. The polar opposite of relative hitting, is worse. Do you honestly believe that most people do these 2 extremes? Most of us do the middle ground. Kind, loving, nurturing parenting, but firm, boundaries, respect, no nonsense.

I think I did gentle but firm parenting.

I have friends who’ve been much more shouty, sometimes using physical threats or punishments. Also some total walkovers, which failed to put any boundaries in place.

for me, I went in the middle because I wanted my child to always be able to talk to me about anything, including when they fucked up, but also to be able to recognise when he was fucking up. If kids are scared of how their parents will react, they will keep secrets and get stressed. If they aren’t taught right from wrong, they won’t know what’s unacceptable behaviour.

keep them talking and not afraid to talk.

What do you do when she hits?

Lots of ineffectual parenting gets labelled “gentle”. It isn’t.

I don't parent by philosophy/patenting book etc so have no idea the rules

My child has never hit

I generally try to explain and negotiate with my daughter so that she feels in control. E g would you like this or that, would you like 1 or 2 more minutes of play etc.

Does a 2.5 year-old actually want to "be in control", or does she need her parent to be the one in control? And is not confusing for a very young child to be offered all these choices, which are basically meaningless for her at this age? You need to call the shots, rather than delegating these confusing choices to her. As she grows older, you'll be the one who's strong, reliable and can give her guidance for those times when the world is overwhelming.

My kids were born and brought up in France with a French dad. Here kids are part of their parents lives. We do not revolve the parents lives around the kids.

Women go back to work at 13 weeks pp. Days in childcare are long. Childminders have 3-4 kids. Childcare is cheap because we have a lot of government subsidy. But the system works.

I feel for British mothers who are made to feel so guilty. They seem to sacrifice so much for their kids and it doesn't seem to benefit the kids or the mothers.

French parents are generally really strict. Kids have a lot more boundaries. But you can take even small kids anywhere. And just to be clear smacking is illegal here too. It's possible to be strict without force.

There is a whole range of parenting between not giving a consequence for a child hitting you...and hitting them for "bad" behaviour.
Like a pp says I would imagine most people are in between.

I don't parent by philosophy/patenting book

Neither did I. You don't negotiate with a two year old. You make sure they understand the boundaries kindly but firmly. DD never hit anyone, but if she had I wouldn't have rewarded her behaviour with a cuddle.

I hate the term "gentle parenting". I think it is used as an excuse for poor parenting. I never hit DD either. That is also poor parenting.

my dd is fine at age 12, and I’d say I’ve been on the gentler side of parenting.

I do now get the pre-teen eye rolls and she says, “mum just tell me off and stop EXPLAINING everything so much!” Lol. You really can’t win. Maybe I should start slapping her about.

We gentle parent. If my daughter kicks I explain it hurts me, I explain if she doesn’t stop I will leave the room as I do not allow people to hurt me and I do leave. I am modelling how to maintain boundaries.

As we talk about our emotions once my 3.5yo daughter has calmed down she now comes to speak to me, she apologises and explains what was happening e.g she was frustrated because of x.

For me gentle parenting is about teaching children how to discuss their emotions and how to maintain boundaries without using shouting or hitting. I grew up in a home with domineering parents and by taking a gentle parenting approach the difference in my daughters self-esteem, confidence and emotional intelligence is huge.

There are surely some scenarios that are not suitable for debate or negotiation
If a child wanted to do something that would be dangerous to them or others, then it's a parents job to say no that is not going to happen.

Hitting needs to be an immediate consequence every time! Giving you a big isn’t good enough, she needs to understand how wrong it is by losing something (time, a toy, a treat etc)

It doesn't. Why do you think there is a mental health crisis in kids today?

All for gentle parenting but with consequences and strict boundaries.

My son's best friend is 6 and lashes out at my son. He threw a scooter at him last week and jumped off a climbing frame and kicked my son when doing so the week before.

The parent reacted by sending an apology 2 hours later stating her son was sad he behaved that way and having difficulty controlling his emotions. These were not isolated events and will continue not to be as there are never consequences for his action (just a chat a few hours after the incident)

In the last event I told her it wasn't ok. My son doesn't behave that way because he knows not too and the very least I would have expected her son to apologise to my son for behaving so badly. My son would have been sent home with a punishment (eg no iPad or something).

This has been going on 12 months so I've given her opportunity to address it. I will now tell the child if I see him lash out at my child in future

There’s a happy medium.

My DC are 16 & 19 now and I can see some of the MH issues their friends with very strict /controlling parents have.

OTOH I was on a train recently with a friend and there were two mothers with their 2-3 children apiece letting them run absolute riot across the carriage. When an older couple spoke up, one of the mothers rolled her eyes and said in a very belaboured voice to Hugo/Cressida “darlings, I think perhaps maybe you could sit down for a bit because someone on the train doesn’t like it”.

Jesus wept. Weak parenting at its worst.

I think we go for a middle ground. We certainly don't hit our children (fairly sure it's illegal in the UK) but if we say no it means no and if we say go it means go!

So many times I see people saying 'no you can't have sweets' 'oh please please please. I'll be good. I love you' or temper tantrum and the sweet are bought. We either say yes from the start or no from the start but the answer never changes.

We have 3 children. All very different so some behaviour is just how the child is and some of it parenting.

I definitely think the parents need control. You need to be able to say 'come here' or 'we are leaving now' or 'go and say thank you' and the child actually do it. I think firm but kind is probably the best way to describe what I mean.