How does gentle parenting work in later years

[ohheytherehi]

I have a 2.5 year old. I'd say my husband and I are using quite a gentle parenting approach, with boundaries (and a few bribes). She is generally really cooperative and although she has a few moments, she responds well to the approach I think. She does hit us though, and has hit other close family members. She feels bad afterwards and usually gives the person a hug, sometimes with us asking her to, sometimes not. I think that's normal enough behaviour for a 2.5 year old?

My question is how does this all work later. I have just visited relatives who live in another country. They have 2 lovely kids, 7 and 11. The older ones especially is polite, studious, sweet with my daughter. My relative says that her and her husband "show them who is boss" so that they know they need to respect adults. And they do. They're lovely. I also have suspicions they hit their kids. I would never do this, but I generally try to explain and negotiate with my daughter so that she feels in control. E g would you like this or that, would you like 1 or 2 more minutes of play etc. my relatives seem to imply that she is going to walk all over us at some point. I'm wondering if although it works now, a stricter approach is better in the future.

I think if you are fair and the dc know there are boundaries and consequences that you follow through you can't go far wrong with parenting . Drives me mad when I hear my friends make idle threats ' that's it you're not going bowling tomorrow' yea but you are aren't you cos it's cost you £60 so don't bloody say it ! Child will soon realise mum doesn't mean what she says .

I tried really, really hard to do 'gentle parenting', RIE, Montessori, wooden toy parenting for years. My DC1 was SO hard to parent, would hit, scream, obsessed with TV, however calmly I responded, and even when I, in desperation, became shouty mum. Turns out he is PDA and autistic and needs a very specific type of parenting that's not really 'parenting' but more like mentoring...
Anyway I have 2 younger children and I've given up with a 'style' of parenting except for "do the next right thing"...what is right for this child on this day in these circumstances.
So far they are mostly well behaved and nice humans, subject to the usual kid-twattery that comes with being a small person in a hugely overwhelming and kid-unfriendly world.

I disagree with the endless analysis of feelings and how one should take ages to lay all the feelings out and endlessly analyse and navel gaze them; I think in many cases it’s really unhelpful, especially when they are tiny and just don’t have the cognitive capacity to engage with them meaningfully.

Fine when they are at primary and they’re upset because Lucy doesn’t want to play with them. Pointless when they are 2 and a bit and have just clobbered another kid with a toy.

I also think it really can focus on bad behaviour and making a kid feel crap. We concentrated on moving on and forgetting about bad behaviour ASAP after any consequence or punishment. And yes, we did use punishments after warnings.

as PPs have stated - boundaries and stick to them.

My three DC are teens now, gentle parenting wasn't a thing when they were young. They are lovely well behaved teens and I could point to my parenting methods (I was not generally a strict parent, but did have some clear boundaries), but to be completely honest I think it's mainly luck / genes!

Gentle parenting isn't "oh Maximus, we don't punch people in the face dahling, kind hands sweetheart... you're making them sad"

Your child need boundaries. They will be happier.

Just remember, if they are well behaved, they will be invited to their friends houses and parties etc. If they are too gently parented then possibly they won't!

So it's important for your child's sake that they are bought up with guidelines etc.

@TheaBrandt my mum also used to shut me in the porch for being naughty. I grew up to be a defiant, rebellious teen, underage sex, pregnancy scares, drugs. All internalised because I was scared of putting a foot wrong; on the outside my mum thought she had a “lovely, cooperative, thoughtful teen who was never rude”. I had to take a pregnancy test age 14 in a seedy public toilet, alone and scared.

Wasn't it called attachment parenting then? Though that might have had some other elements to it.

@Sunnysunbun great advice

My approach is also "kind but firm with boundaries" and it has worked well

I have a friend whose son rules the roost and he is arrogant, self centred and her approach has done him no favours

A child thumping its parents or anyone else needs a good firm NO and a consequence (no need for smacking), not a cuddly chat. 🙄🙄🙄

Your child hits you and other family members and you think she is doing well ???? Seriously no. None of my children ever hit anybody. We didn't gentle parent and we did not hit our kids either. Our children knew we were the parents and they had boundaries in place and consequences if they played up. Children need confident parents to look up to they don't want to be in charge Your child should not get to decide when they finish playing. In five minutes we are going home darling and that's that ! You are setting yourself up for problems here I can guarantee it.

I agree @Mariposista.
Some actions need a firm "no, stop that" response.

I have a 14 year old and have been using gentle parenting (by which I mean no/minimal punishment, taking his feelings and opinions into account, trying to collaborate and problem solve rather than punish and force, encouraging independence and autonomy/seeing children as capable - definitions vary, but those were the important points to me) since he was really tiny. I feel like we are totally reaping the benefits now as he is open to discussion about almost everything, he doesn't immediately get defensive as he assumes we will listen to his side, he tells us stuff, we trust him and so far the trust hasn't been abused or misplaced.

Of course he's not really into the proper teen years yet and we might still see a total rebellion, but for now the approach seems to be working well.

I actually think it works better the older they get because they get better at realistic problem solving when they are older and forseeing problems, and you have more practice too - it can be toughest when they are really tiny and you just wish they would do as they are told.

I do think you have to be careful to work out what it is you really want from "gentle parenting" and seek specifically resources that help with that. The term has exploded in popularity recently especially on social media and the way some people use it is quite permissive and unhelpful. I don't think "gentle parenting" is anything special or different from normal parenting, I used to think it was but I think that's just unhelpful "us vs them"ism.

I think hitting isn't normal. Mu dc gave never hit an adult. I think you need to be a bit firmer with that one.

It slips quickly if you let your dc have a chat about behaviour after the fact but no consequences. Very gentle but not effective. I'm a teacher and we have lots of dc who have never had consequences or been 'told off' it's a shock and very upsetting for them. Also they very entitled and self centered not always popular with it others.

Have boundaries- no hurting for example- that they know what happens if they do. Do follow through every single time. Only threaten what you can do- eg. We will leave if that behaviour continues you have to be able to leave.

I’ve never met any of these terrible “gentle parent” types described. Lucky me. Everyone I know goes for a “kind and firm with boundaries”, which matches everything I’ve ever read that calls itself gentle parenting anyway. Mind you, I don’t pay that much attention to what other parents are doing so maybe there’s more than I’ve noticed.

Gentle parenting is the right balance of unconditional love and boundaries with natural consequences (not arbitrary punishment) - it is absolutely not putting a toddler in control of the family or bribing them!

I think it works better in the teen years than with toddlers actually. Sometimes with toddlers you just have to say no and accept that you'll teach them why later (no you can't have a family sized bag of crisps for dinner, no you can't pick the cat up by the tail, no you can't run ahead along the busy road, no you can't hit Ellie and take her toy without having to give it back immediately).

You lay the foundation in the first five to seven years and after that you build on it - changing tack after that (whether from authoritarian to gentle or vice versa) is going to be harder!

If you resort to bribery with a preschooler every day (rather than in exceptional circumstances such as perhaps just during potty training or once in a blue moon when everyone is very tired or something stressful is going on) and genuinely have a toddler thinking she's in control of the family you will struggle with the later primary years let alone teens.

Children and teens need to know they have some control (for example over what they wear as long as vaguely appropriate, over what they eat as long as vaguely balanced - so toddler can choose between an apple and a pear not between an apple and a family sized bag of haribo) and the amount increases with age, but they also need to know that their trusted adult is the one in charge ultimately.

It's actually terrifying for a young child to believe they have all the power and responsibility for all decisions - they need the safety of knowing a responsible adult is ultimately in charge, and the amount of control and with that responsibility the child has increases gradually with age.

Urgh I had similar with some overseas teens when I did paid hosting. They asked if they could smoke in their room. I said no. They did anyway. I called the language school to say they were out. They just Couldn’t believe it. Never had a consequence before - their faces and spluttering were amusing!

@TheaBrandt Good for you. Smoking in my house would have been a deal breaker for me too.

Absolutely, it doesn't need a label. What I meant was people are confusing what gentle parenting is and not realising what they are doing is gentle parenting.

It depends on the child OP to be honest - My eldest would have been ok with more gentle parenting as she was very well behaved at that age. A firm no was sufficient enough to stop her doing something. My twins however - 1 in particular - gentle parenting is completely ineffective. He needs very firm boundaries. Sounds like you've struck lucky with your first child but no two children are the same - I'm raising my twins exactly the same of course but one is a lot more strong willed than the other and if I did gentle parenting with him it would be a disaster

You were on a hiding to nothing mentioning ‘toddler’ ‘hitting’ and ‘gentle parenting’ in the same breath round here OP. Just to say, I totally disagree with PPs saying that hitting isn’t normal. DS went through a phase of hitting me or DH circa age 2. A lot of his friends were the same with their parents. I have no idea if my approach was ‘gentle’ or not, but I’m a fan of the books, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, so maybe it was. We went with getting down to his level and a sharp ‘No hitting, I don’t like that behaviour, it hurts’ and then moving on to a different activity. He doesn’t do it now age 3. I’d love to say it was my spectacular parenting but he probably just grew out of it.

Parent the child you have. Reason and boundaries are needed in different proportions but kindness and conversation wins over time.

Kind warm responsive but firm.

You can set limits and boundaries without shouting and sadism.

A toddler is a person who is trying to come to terms with the fact that they are very small and have very little control and are totally dependent on their parents. A baby is blissfully unaware and thinks the world revolves around it. But by the time you're a toddler the painful reality is dawning.

So toddlers need understanding and kindness. But they also need to be helped to accept this reality too. And I think parenting which is too gentle is not helpful as children do not learn their place in the world and limits.

When mine were toddlers I tried to soften the blow to something that they could manage. So they had small choices eg what colour shorts, apple or orange, and I tried to take seriously that feeling out of control was very painful for them.

But there were limits too. Like a pp- if they screamed or misbehaved after warnings, I would pick them up and home we went. Bedtime was bedtime. I would not allow them to be noisy and disruptive in public. But I like to think I was kind as well as firm.

They are 14 and 12 now. I mean there is still time but we don't really have any behaviour issues beyond DD having a messier room than I'd like and DS gaming more than I'd like.

I think (hope?) if you create trust through warmth plus firmness when they're small then when they're older they love and trust you - they can be guided by you and they listen to you.

But as I said we're not fully into the teens yet. Maybe ask me again in a couple of years .... and I'll have a house of vaping antisocial tearaways ...

This is normal parenting.

I had one DC who stopped behaviours with a look. The other was wild. I think firm, fair and loving is the way to go

Unfortunately this is a common misconception of gentle parenting. Gentle parenting includes boundaries, they are necessary for a child’s sense of security. However these boundaries are gently managed rather than forcefully imposed.
Parental force, or even aggression (hitting), is usually about serving the parents’ need to manage their frustration or anger, not about the child’s needs.

I’m always surprised that people who advocate shouting, harsh (rather than natural consequences, or even hitting to aid ‘learning’ in children, don’t accept the same from their bosses at work. Surely if it was a healthy way of learning it would be accepted for adults too, rather than being called bullying and assault?