How does gentle parenting work in later years

[ohheytherehi]

I have a 2.5 year old. I'd say my husband and I are using quite a gentle parenting approach, with boundaries (and a few bribes). She is generally really cooperative and although she has a few moments, she responds well to the approach I think. She does hit us though, and has hit other close family members. She feels bad afterwards and usually gives the person a hug, sometimes with us asking her to, sometimes not. I think that's normal enough behaviour for a 2.5 year old?

My question is how does this all work later. I have just visited relatives who live in another country. They have 2 lovely kids, 7 and 11. The older ones especially is polite, studious, sweet with my daughter. My relative says that her and her husband "show them who is boss" so that they know they need to respect adults. And they do. They're lovely. I also have suspicions they hit their kids. I would never do this, but I generally try to explain and negotiate with my daughter so that she feels in control. E g would you like this or that, would you like 1 or 2 more minutes of play etc. my relatives seem to imply that she is going to walk all over us at some point. I'm wondering if although it works now, a stricter approach is better in the future.

@Evoname surely you should stop your son hanging spring with a brat like that?

There were plenty of traumatised children with mental health problems when I was a child and teenager (many, many years ago), the difference to nowadays is that nobody cared, often didn't notice and the children got the blame.

Of course kids need boundaries and it would be wrong not to have them but most of all they need to be loved and respected as individuals. Hitting is a definite no no either from parent to child or child to parent. Mine certainly certainly never hit me or dad, nor had uncontrolled temper tantrums, and I didn't smack but from a very early age I did explain what was unacceptable. I also listened and still do.

I have to say I didn't realise 'gentle parenting' was a label. Parents usually have good instincts where their children are concerned and good communication, trust and comfort, are of utmost importance.

A 2.5 year old should not be 'in control'. They look to you for understanding where boundaries lie. They need to learn that their actions have consequences. You can address all this by taking a straightforward middle line of kindness, understanding, intervention where necessary, respect, demonstrating fairness yet not being an absolute wet doormat. It really shouldn't be so complicated. Because as a culture we often swing between extreme trends and ways of doing things, the calm middle line of reason and gets ignored. I believe it's the best way for most things.

My DD was hit by her friend when she was 4. The Mum said "Don't mind him, he's feeling bad on the inside right now." We left.

@blahblahblah1654 I have mostly. They are best friends at school though and part of wider social group (same parties events etc). To not take my son to these places would be punishing him when he's the one that behaves.

I don't want do give you a hard time OP and know it's not the whole point of the thread, but no I don't think a 2 year old hitting is that typical. My older child did once but hitting is my absolute line and she certainly never did it again. Current 2 year old has never hit. Though my friends talk about the struggles of parenting a lot, hitting isn't something that comes up.

Should add - I don't mean by that I think your child is problematic, just she hasn't understood hitting is absolutely not on. You sound like a caring mum.

Goodness no - hitting you and other family members is not normal for that age. I have never hit my children and consider myself quite a soft parent but I would have sharp words for that and be showing clearly that that behaviour is not how family treat each other

My two are 9 and 7 and they are generally good kids but they often think everything I say is up for negotiation 🤯 not sure if I gave them too much explanation as small children or if it is normal. My parenting has always been natural consequences so bad behaviour means we go home / the toy is removed / the TV goes off / whatever makes sense.

I sat behind a gentle parent on a 2.5 hour flight yesterday. You can spot a gentle parent because they use this god-awful sing song voice when issuing endless explanations to their children (about 8 and 10 in this case) about why their arsehole behaviour such as kicking seats in front is not very nice, why suddenly reclining chairs multiple times on the flight is not very kind, why slamming the window blinds shut non-stop might be a little bit noisy.

I suspect those children will end up like every other child I know brought up in the gentle parenting way- full of anxiety and mental health issues by the time they hit their teens.

I adore my children and I am a kind parent. I never shout or hit but by god they know boundaries and they are also very familiar with the term “because I said so”. Any of those plane behaviours would have resulted in my kids getting one warning then a month’s screentime ban. No explanations necessary.

I'm just reading 'between' by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. It's about tweens, age 8-13. She's one of the gentle parenting school of thoughts, isn't she? I hated her when mine were babies! Mainly because the sleep stuff didn't work and I couldn't handle it.

This book so far seems to advocate that you are the safe walls for your tween. They will most likely do stupid things because their brains aren't fully developed. Try not to judge them, keep talking. So, that's my plan I'll report back in a few years!!!

I've got to say though what I've been most surprised about since having kids is that they come out fully formed and as parents you've just got to roll with it. My two are very different, and I expect they'll increasingly need parenting differently, which will be interesting to navigate! I think my line will be that fairness doesn't mean doing the same for them both, it's about meeting their needs.

I've always spoken to my children like they are human beings. I mean, not baby talk etc. I definitely do gentle parenting, discussing etc. BUT I have very firm boundaries. I've given options when I can but not pointless ones iyswim e.g. if they have to leave for school, they get in the car, no option, no debate.

They are approaching teens now and the main areas of conflict are tech time. I never raise my voice as I wouldn't with my husband. If I am wrong, I apologise. I still treat them like the full humans they are. They treat me like a full human. Our conversations are pretty grown up in the main, we have a lot of fun, we all enjoy each other's company. They are fantastic at school, far more mature than their peers (which actually, honestly, causes problems of its own). We talk all the time and I don't think I would do anything differently.

I have seen the problems with weak boundaries in my family so I would certainly agree with all the other posters on the thread about the importance of boundaries from a young age. Poorly behaviour children are a pain for everyone that comes into contact with them. Ultimately it leads to an extremely strained home life as the parents hate being around their own kids 😞

I'd also add that strong boundaries are not the same as control. I've seen the terrible damage from that too in my family. When parents bully, humiliate or seek to control every aspect of a child's behaviour then the child becomes detached from themselves and will ultimately hate the parent. People sometimes confuse being controlling with setting boundaries. You don't need to make a 2 year old sit on a potty for ages until they wee to potty train them and 'teach them who's boss' because when they use a nappy they are being naughty 😞😞

In the teen years, if that's what you mean, it just translates to listening well to your children, hearing their perspectives, being flexible but remembering that you are the parent and sometimes they are not going to like your decisions and boundaries. No matter. They need to be prepared for life where their boss isn't going to 'gentle boss' them.

Gentle parenting really really fucks me off. Massively. It's negligent and pitiful. Nothing wrong with some of the old true gentle parenting techniques, but modern day mums have turned it into something it was never supposed to be.

Why don't you parent her properly. Sit her down and talk to her properly. About hitting, that it's totally unacceptable. Develop her emotional intelligence so that she recognises what is making her angry or frustrated, can control it, verbalise it, punch something, leave the room. Yes she's only 2.5 but even toddlers need to be at least taught these coping mechanisms now.

And consequences. If she doesn't do a, or does b, c will or won't happen. She's old enough to start recognising that there are consequences to our actions. These are basic parenting methods that all children deserve.

I was recently training a group of young adults in something potentially dangerous. I explained the dangers very carefully and it was clear one of them wasn’t listening so I reiterated the dangers then let them start. The one who wasn’t listening started to do the dangerous thing I told them not to. So I shouted at her to stop. If she had done this in real life she would have been dead. I asked her to leave the session. In her complaint about me she wrote that in her 18 years alive she had never been shouted at and felt as it was a simulation she should be allowed to carry on despite the danger. The parents rang to tell me off and I asked them whether they’d want to write her obituary or make her listen.
You sound very softly softly op and at some point someone will shout at your kid, I probably would if she bit me!

I think in life and here most people confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting. Most examples of gentle parenting listed here are simply permissive.

Gentle parenting has boundaries, you do say no, but you say no and with a reason. You explain the boundaries and the why. You listen and help understand emotions. Most of the people saying they are kind but firm are parenting gently, just without the label, and are thinking those permissive parents are gentle parenting.

Most of the people saying they are kind but firm are parenting gently, just without the label

Does parenting need a label?

We have always had the rule that noone hits anyone in our house, mum and dad don’t hit each other, we don’t hit the children and they don’t hit each other. I was able to discipline and keep our three children in line without hitting and rarely shouting. My own mum was great at boundaries, of course they weren’t called that then, it would be more like “crossing the line”. I knew exactly what the boundaries were and would sometimes as a kid deliberately flout them or cross them knowing I was taking a big risk as it was clearly in the wrong and I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know.

So I used that same parenting technique with my own children, giving them the Paddington Bear “hard stare” if they were misbehaving, and other classic techniques of British mums.

One thing I personally cannot stand is disrespect, so I was always very clear that the children could disagree with me, but they could never be disrespectful without consequences. They are 22, 19 & 16 now and aren’t violent or aggressive but all have strong personalities and can say “no” when it’s necessary. They have good manners and people enjoy having them around.
A definite aim for me as a parent was that I wanted to raise children that other people enjoyed having around and I could trust them to be kind and respectful if I wasn’t around (most of the time!). I can’t stand it when parents let their kids talk back to them disrespectfully, that is just never an option as far as I am concerned. It’s a non-negotiable. My two eldest have worked as Nannies while at Uni and they build a good rapport with the kids and parents, and don’t take disrespect from the children they care for either.

Gentle parenting done the correct way is certainly not neglectful or pitiful, that would be permissive parent which I agree is!

op check out Sarah ockwells books they have helped me a lot through the early years

Hahaha all you advise falls under “gentle parenting”! it’s just a shit label really

But what you describe isn’t a “gentle parent” most likely permissive 🙄

Gentle parenting ime isn't giving choices about how long they play for.

That's not parenting imo. If you have 1 minute to have 1 minute.

Gentle parenting is about understanding that 1 minute may be upsetting and addressing that feeling and helping them manage emotions.

In fact boundaries are one of the 4 key elements of gentle parenting alongside empathy.

So yes, I do think you'll have issues when she grows up if she's not given a form instruction and expected to stick to it.
She won't get a choice at school about how long she gets to do things!

I'm not a fan of punish,ent as such and very much prefer a natural consequences approach to raising children. After all - they need to learn resilience against things not being how they want and things not going going how they expect as this is a fundamental life choice.

So - for example - I wouldn't punish ds for not tidying his room as requested. But my instruction would be "when your room is tidy then I will take you to ...../ do ......"

And it's particularly normal for 2.5yo to hit other adults. Some will hit their parents and even other toddlers but other adults is quite unusual.

Not particularly normal .....

Kind but firm. Hitting is not acceptable. I would put dd2 at that age in the porch and shut the door for hitting and biting . Immediate unpleasant consequence. She soon got the message and stopped doing it. You are going to be pretty unpopular as a family if you don’t deal with your child hurting others proactively.

Fwiw have two lovely cooperative reasonable teens who are never rude to us.